C'est la Vie
by Ita-Neo
Summary: So this and that happens and she ends up living in a mansion full of maniacs with homicidal tendencies and vague gender distinctions. And that’s just enough to freak anyone out. SqualoXOC
1. Prologue

**Disclaimers and Warnings: **I do not own Hitman Reborn in any possible form (and I don't need reminder *sigh*). This fanfiction has swearing and violence and blood and guts going abound in plentiful ways. And it's more sarcastic, bitchy humor than anything, so don't expect a lovey romance with a bunch of drama and love triangles and stuff like that. No explicit stuff either (discounting innuendo).

Well, that aside, I hope you enjoy.

* * *

**The beginning of all that ends (simply put, the prologue that is too long to be a prologue that is not really a prologue)**

**Varia HQ, Italy**

Filai was seventeen years old when her boss sporadically decided to announce over a breakfast of fried frog liver and raw bunnies (it was unanimously decided that Lussuria and alcohol and household duties were never to be mixed again) that they were going to Japan to kill a batch of teenagers.

In simultaneous bursts of shock, the various Varia members present dropped their respective eating utensils (umbrellas and knives and blue tentacles, to be more specific).

Xanxus was their boss. Their evil, scary, nightmare inspiring boss. He took 'beware the red eyes' to a whole new set of spatial coordinates, and Filai was quite sure she had never seen another man armed with combustible hands and the glaring capacity to single handedly revert the world back to the ice age. That and he was the leader of one of the most feared, revered assassination squads in the Mafia world, but that's almost irrelevant.

That being said, you couldn't really blame Bel for choking on his imported sushi, or Levi for accidentally misaiming and stabbing himself on the leg with his umbrella instead of his food, or Marmon for instinctively diving for his money just to calm himself down, or Lussuria for accidentally spilling freshly prepared frog organs all over his new (and pink, frilly 'kiss the cook') apron, or Squalo for stupidly dropping his lower jaw in ill shown dismay and sloshing half chewed food all over Filai's biology textbook.

Actually, yeah, she could blame Squalo for doing that. That was just gross.

Though you also couldn't blame Filai for accidentally spitting out her coffee all over Squalo's hair, so maybe letting him off with his textbook ruining habits wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Did I mention that it was Squalo's hair that she just ruined? No? Well, it was Squalo's hair she just ruined. Now you know.

"Voi! What the fuck is wrong with you?" He screeched, suddenly much more murderous looking than any hitmen with decidedly feminine personal hygiene tendencies had the right to be. Louder too. But in both cases, what else was new?

Filai paused in her failing attempts to clean her textbook, looked up, and supplied a short "Sorry."

Now.

When living in a mansion full of maniacs with homicidal tendencies and vague gender distinctions, in order to survive (or at least die as painlessly as possible), one had to learn how to adjust to the situations at hand.

Especially since she was the only member of the Varia who was not at all battle oriented, in her case, adaption was needed more than ever.

And obviously said adaptation wouldn't really _be _adaptation if it involved retaliation via insults and foul language worthy of washing reserved for toilets, and other methods of the nature. Filai, being more than willing to keep herself in one piece, adapted well. It took little effort for her to reduce her reactions in the face of such atrocious specimen of mankind into simple, polite, unoffending answers.

Except it didn't work too well considering how her thoughts were so painfully negative that they had to be known to their unintended targets one way or another. And they did, via dark, nauseate inducing auras that benevolently spelled out her real thoughts just as clearly as if she had spoken them out loud.

So when she said "Sorry." It actually meant more along the lines of: _It is nine in the morning, and I just spent half the night studying for my science test tomorrow. I do not want to hear shit about your fucking hair and all its glory being reduced to nothing. And coffee smells a lot better than the crap you call shampoo. _

"Voi! Keep off the shampoo!" Squalo scowled, waving his sword attached quite literally to his left hand, dangerously close to her face. "It's worth a shitload more than your fucking textbook!"

"I see." _Well, that works out nicely, considering how a load of shit really isn't worth that much in the first place-_

SNAP.

Filai and Squalo both blankly stared as the sword's blade bent, and promptly fell straight off the back of his hand. Filai sighed."Honestly, Squalo." _I thought I told you not to use super glue, idiot. Try duct tape next time._

Before Squalo could retort with another of his unruly responses, a light tinge of bell interrupted him. With all the housewife love in the world at his avail, and yes that's as creepy as it sounds, Lussuria waved around the triangle shaped dinner bell (which he killed his old neighbor for, apparently; there were still blood stains on it) and said chidingly "Now, now, children. Boss has to continue his important announcement. You can continue your silly arguement later."

In a rare moment of mutual consensus, Filai and Squalo told him with a noticeable lack of sugarcoating words, to go piss off.

Lussuria hastily made his retreat. The table fell silent, awaiting their boss' next words (hopefully an explanation on why the fuck they were flying to Japan just to kill off middle school brats), and Xanxus thanklessly took the opportunity. "The outside advisor," He began smoothly, leisurely almost, and that was a signal that "Sawada Iemitsu," was going to die soon. "Had the impudence to chose his own son as the successor of the seat as the 10th Vongola boss. _Who's a fucking fourteen year old brat. _Iemitsu's already sent his half of the Vongola rings to Japan."

Filai had read about the Vongola traditions before. The outside advisor had as much of a say in the receivers of the succession as the boss, it seemed, and why was it that just didn't make any sense at all? "So now you're going have to fight a fourteen year old in a tournament, right?"

Xanxus rolled his eyes, disgusted by the mere thought of gracing the brats with his godly presence. "No, like I'd waste my time on shit like that. We're just going to kill the brat and take the rings by force."

_Ah, right. Should've expected that coming. After all, you can't spell Xanxus without anu- _No, she didn't complain at all when Xanxus threw a toilet at her. She also didn't complain when she successfully ducked and it hit Levi instead.

* * *

There were three laws of the Varia, all incorporated into the daily lives of the individual assassins that made up the prided force, all upheld as sacredly as though the divinities themselves had bestowed it upon them via a brick wall dropped from heaven.

1) Xanxus was always right. No questions asked.

2) If Xanxus was wrong, by chance, please make reference to number one (idiot). Or if that doesn't work, one way or another, _make sure whatever he says gets turned right. _

3) The level of alcohol content in the container that Xanxus throws at you is a good indication of his mood. Empty translates to "get the fuck out of my sight". Full is basically your cue to escape to another country, because if Xanxus is pissed enough to waste an entire bottle of alcohol to display (violent) feelings that he obviously couldn't show otherwise, then you know he's dead pissed. Oh, and if the liquor happens to be expensive, you might just want to make sure your escape country is on a different continent. Or better yet, a different planet. Take extra precautions when it's cognac. He likes that stuff more than you can possibly imagine.

Alright, since Xanxus was virtually equivalent to the Lord himself when held in regard by the Varia (it's been theorized that Xanxus' smile had the capability of ending all world suffering. And that's why he tries his best not to do so, the bastard), those rules were quite literally bestowed by the divinities in question (the first time Levi saw the guy, he seriously thought he had been graced with the presence of an angel. _God _how wrong he had been).

But it didn't stop Filai from breaking them on a daily basis. So when she heard about previously mentioned plans to kill little kiddies and politely told him "I think you should think this through more rationally, Boss." And tacitly meant _That's possibly the lamest thing I've ever had the unfortunate chance of hearing. You're batshit crazy. Though that's already been established, _she got a full bottle to the head and the textbook, which was subsequently reduced to paper pulp.

The next day Filai bought another copy on Ebay, made sure it was the most expensive deal on the page, and billed him for replacements.

The next day also happened to be when she nearly died of misplaced horror because a strange lady had appeared in front of her, getting down on one knee and offering her a small open case nestling a strangely shaped ring. "Please accept this, Filai sama." She deadpanned simply, as if she wasn't _positioned like she had just asked a dumbstruck seventeen year old with serious issues to marry her. No, not at fucking ALL._

Filai responded by staring dumbly at the woman, then at the ring, and then once again choking and spitting her coffee out (why did things like these always happen when she was taking in her daily caffeine supply?). "X-Xanxus, do I look like a guy, by any chance?" _I feel sick. Need a toilet. _

Xanxus glared, displaying remarkable resilience in not pulling an unlordly face palm. "You." He sneered through gritted teeth, glowering as Filai shrank back sheepishly. "Cloud Guardian. _Take the fucking ring._"

"Ah, I see." Filai sighed, immensely relieved as she gingerly accepted the ring. _Jeez, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed. You really need to get that metal pole pulled out of your as-_

The boss threw something at her, and Filai ducked. Levi was pawned, and she was much amused. "Fucking trash."

"Sure." _I love you too, boss." _

And that was that.

Or not, because right after aforementioned that, Filai was granted possession of a remote control. Which gave orders to robot, and that would've been cute and all if it weren't for the fact that said robot happened to be big and unwieldy and very life sucking, armed with missile launchers for fingers and a serious breathing issue, if those gas tubes attached to its face were indication of anything.

And Xanxus just had to give the stupid junk (it even has a name, Gola Mosca) to her while they were at the frigging airport. Consequentially, Filai had to stand next to the seven foot robot for infinitely long periods of time at the airport while people were polite enough to stare at her oddly.

"Thanks for the toy, Boss…" _Do I look like a grade schooler to you?_ "Can I ride on it? I don't want to walk." _Can I paintball the thing while I'm at it? I just got this new hot pink…it'll add color in this drab, ugly, world. Say no and I'll spray your coat._

Meanwhile, Belphagor (being in charge of "international affairs") effortlessly secured a 1st class private jet to Japan with a combination of uniquely shaped knives, unintentional Mafia seduction, and blinding through the usage of teeth.

* * *

**Plane Ride. Holy shit.**

Filai actually managed to hold her coffee in her mouth (and not onto her biology textbook) as a hysterical pilot, minus one parachute, hurled himself so generously out of the emergency exit. Marmonr surreptitiously took control of the plane, his frog blinked, and everything continued without disturbance. "Was that...necessary?"

Levi was indignant as he lowered his occasionally sparking umbrella. "He was staring at the boss funny." He defended imperiously.

Rolling her eyes, Filai was going to point out that he thought everyone who stared at Xanxus automatically deserved to be condemned to the pits of purgatory, or something remotely similar to that.

Then an idea struck her. A very nice idea, if she did say so herself, and yes, it involved one person or another being put in danger of suffering a premature death, but that one person or another wasn't her, so it was all good. "Actually, Levi, I think you're right."

"Of course. I live solely to protect the boss, after all-" Umbrella man stopped dead after realizing (belatedly) that no snide comment was understandably deciphered from her strange brain waves.

So Filai was actually being...well, sincere.

Pretending to contemplate things, Filai assumed a thoughtful position. "Thinking back on it, that pilot was eyeing Xanxus quite oddly."

Let's all face the truth. Leviathan was a flat out retard in plenty of different ways. So it wasn't exactly intelligence, but more of gut instinct that told the man he didn't like where this was going. It was unanimously agreed that although the rest of the squad hated Filai as much as they hated each other, they hated Filai with a (bad) idea even _more _than they hated each other. And for a good reason.

"I want to say he had a curious feeling, but...actually, now that I think back on it, it wasn't nearly as curious as eager. If I didn't know any better, I'd have assumed that he was mentally stripping Xanxus-"

And life was a beautiful thing indeed.

Filai didn't need to finish the sentence. Lussuria and Bel were already restraining Levi from jumping out of the plane, after the pilot to deal him an even more painful death before he becomes one with the ground. "I'LL KILL HIM! HOW DARE HE DEFILE THE BOSS WITH HIS FILTHY IMAGINATION!" He hollered, not at all seeming to mind the fact that hurling out of an airborne was a one way ticket to kingdom come.

Satisfied, Filai leaned back comfortably in her seat. Next to her, Squalo muttered something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like _Un-fucking-believable._

_I should put this on Youtube._

Bel shot her a brilliant grin, holding up a video camera and laughing peculiarly. "Ushishishi, already ahead of you."

"I see. How considerate of you." Filai said politely, making a mental note to get a hold of his dentist's address as she returned to her textbook. _I love you, Bel. Let's get married. We'll have to get Xanxus' permission first._

Xanxus stared at Filai almost incredulously, which basically meant he suddenly looked less sleepy and more insomniac, but you learn how to cope with these things. "You're smarter than you look."

"Thank you, Boss."

"But then again," He smirked. "It's almost impossible not to be."

"…" Filai did not do two things. 1) React. 2) Pay for both the airplane damages and the loss of Xanxus' 20,000 euro bottle of wine.

And as a side note, she refused to reveal just how she managed to sneak grenades past airport security. Not her fault that the guards' bodies never developed resistance to sleep injections. Don't go blame her.

* * *

**Arrival. Namimori, Japan**

A beautiful, late Japanese afternoon found the Varia standing in front of a gorgeous hotel, new and clean and private reserved for them down to the last shotglass (for Xanxus to smash over Squalo's head). Filai tilted her head as she scanned the place, clearly impressed. "I didn't know such a small town would have a place like this."

Squalo scoffed, tossing delicately pruned hair over his shoulder as he eyed the hotel with distaste. "That's because the shithole was built last week." Then, dejectedly. "I paid for constructions."

She quickly snapped her head back at his direction, astonished. "T-that was Japanese." _You were actually smart enough to learn a language other than your native tongue? Shit, the Armageddon's here. _

Squalo's attempt to beat the living crap out of her might've been more impressive had Xanxus not generously stuck a foot out and tripped the swordsman flat on his face.

(Then he realized he had unintentionally saved Filai from being killed; he compensated by throwing a table in her general direction. Again, Levi was subsequently pawned)

* * *

**Meeting with the enemy. Or, something like that anyways**

Filai was, in stark comparison to her ax happy colleagues, not a bad person. She was rude (you have no idea), cynical, decently protective of her textbooks, fanatically protective of her coffee (and I mean fanatically in the most literal sense; gave Lussuria his first two broken fingers in a fit of mad, defensively relevant instinct). But despite all that, she wasn't _bad. _Which was why...

"Sorry, I can't come back yet." Filai said in rapid, but absentmindedly Italian. With a really strange accent, despite it being, y'know, her _native language._ She cradled her cell phone between her shoulder and ear as she skimmed through the thoroughly Japanese, thoroughly middle school level science textbook.

Sitting nervously beside her, a brown haired, fourteen year old boy peered over her shoulder. "I'm helping a kid with his science homework. He's really cute. I'll snap a picture." _Yes, damn it, the brat's lovable. You say so otherwise and I'll cut your hair in your sleep. Did you SEE his doe eyes? They are fucking adorable, bitch. _

For the briefest of moments, Squalo didn't answer, too traumatized by how he could feel those creepy mind waves _through the phone _to commence in deafening her. Then, as the nature of things went, he recovered. Filai quickly tore the phone away from her ear. "VOI! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TUTORING FUCKING JAPANESE BRATS WHILE I HAVE TO STAY AND GET FUCKED IN THE HEAD BY THE GODDAMN BOS-"

In a fit of sporadic wisdom, Filai very politely flipped the cell phone cover shut.

Said cute middle school student peered curiously at her. "U…um, is everything alright, Filai san?" He asked nervously. "T…that wasn't your boyfriend or anything, right?"

She shrugged. Tried her very, very best to suppress raging telepathic evilness that could probably knock the poor thing out cold. _Do not say that ever again__. Your face will be purged via blender. _"I wouldn't say so, no. Sorry about that, Tsunayoshi kun."

14 year old Sawada Tsunayoshi, brown and spiky haired kid, adorable little twerp who happened to be useless to a pathetic degree, smiled nervously. "If you say so. O…oh, and thanks for helping me with my work. I was kinda scared at first cause you offered so randomly, but you're really smart."

"1) It looked like you were struggling. 2) I should be on a business trip, but my boss kicked me out of the hotel via alcoholic beverage attacks, thus I have nothing to do." Was the deadpan answer and Tsuna gulped.

As previously stated, Filai wasn't bad. She was just a moron. "You know, my boss hates middle school kids for some reason. He wants to kill one of them and came all the way from Europe." _What was his name again? Tuna or something? _

Tsuna nodded vaguely, not listening at all and still wondering why that loud voice on the phone kind of sounded like that freakish, long haired guy with the built in sword who had assaulted his friends a few days ago. He then deemed it a coincidence and thought about it no longer.

* * *

**Back at Hotel.**

Yes. Gola Mosca was her best friend.

Actually, that could be a bit of an overstatement. But at this point in her life, the term "best friend" could be loosely defined as anyone who didn't want to send her to the pits of hell at first sight and if a robot fitted that bill, then a robot her best friend shall be.

Gola Mosca did not want to kill her at all. It listened patiently to her complaints. It stood against her ranting on the horrors of intelligent babies and Boss complexes. It brought her caffeine when ordered (with the remote control, but who's noticing the difference?). It watched TV dramas with her, kept her company while she did her homework, provided shelter from deadly glass projectiles, didn't talk during movies, and…

In short, a killer robot was the perfect best friend for a sardonic sociopath with creepy mind auras and some weird addiction to textbooks and caffeine.

When asked by Xanxus as to why their resident high school student was best friends with a lump of metal, Bel and Squalo stared at each other. Bel giggled. "Shishishi, apparently she prefers Gola Mosca's company over ours."

The other two men would have assumed expressions of dismay, if they, you know, gave a shit. Which they totally did not.

(Well, Xanxus twitched and bemoaned the fact that he had lunatics for subordinates, but that was only AFTER Bel and Squalo left. So let's say it never happened)

(Okay, if you insist on know, Squalo was rather annoyed because for some unidentifiable reason they always ended up next to each other and bedrooms were no different even though the stupid hotel had so many floors that each member could have had one for themselves. And now he has to deal with listening to her talk to a robot all through the night. No, not screwy at all.)

Simply put, all that you just read subsequently (yes, including the scene with the killer robot as best friend, which is very peculiar if I must say so myself) led to the events that will in turn pave the way to a most interesting conclusion involving shark food, fights with cute middle schoolers, killer poles, more hospital visits than what was considered healthy, and the obsoletion of artificial preservatives in favor of unmelting ice—courtesy of one, 14 year old Sawada Tsunayoshi.

* * *

**A/N:** By the way, that last line was a really lame, not at all obscure reference to Tsuna's Zero Point Breakthrough. In case nobody noticed. But since there's no such thing as an overly devoted KHR fan, I guess my commentary's...bleh.

Let me know what you think, especially about Filai. She's got some major mentality issues, as does everyone in KHR.


	2. Chapter 1

**A/N:** The REAL chapter 1! ~Insert evil laugh~ Since chapters tend to be longer than prologues and that prologue was ridiculously long and not exactly like a prologue, I present a long chapter! (for my standard, at the very least). By the very way, I'm writing more like in scenes. So it goes from SCENE A to SCENE B with nothing but a little asterisk or a line to separate them. Just because I wanted to try it and it's kinda convenient, actually. I hope you people don't mind.

BTW: Sirloin beef. Reference from that one Millifore VS Varia chapter where Xanxus beat the crap out of his subordinates for giving him the wrong meat.

* * *

**Chapter 1**

**Approximately Eight Years Ago:**

She was this scrawny, highly diminutive nine year old; your typical little twit with patchy green hair that stuck up at curious ends and grass stained knees. She was brushing her teeth with a pink, plastic toothbrush covered with strawberry scented toothpaste that made her look like a rabid dog dripping pink tinted drool messily over her shirt. Perhaps she was one.

Xanxus could only arch an elegant eyebrow at the pathetic sight and she in turn did so as well, a glowing and over sized pair of pink colored eyes observing him coolly like a scientist would a new specimen of insect, before initiating greetings with a small wave of her cleaning utensil that got foam and twerp saliva all over his pants and shit, those pants were expensive, so he was much pissed.

The alien creature attempted to say something, but only succeeded in making some gagging sound.

"Salutations." The thing finally struggled out, messily wiping her mouth on her sleeve and swallowing the remains of her toothpaste.

To which Xanxus responded by setting up an expression of disgust and asking why she didn't spit the stuff out. She shrugged and pointed. "The sink is there." She pointed to herself. "I'm here. That's approximately a ten feet distance."

"Your point?"

The brat stared at him strangely before stalking off in a manner that was rather depressing for such a young little human and two minutes later Xanxus' personal bathroom exploded.

Seven and a half minutes later, the Varia gained a Filai; the process being something like this-

"No."

"Xanxus..."

"Piss off, you old shit. You're fucking senile."

"Do it as a favor for your father."

"Go die in a hole. I don't owe any favors to you and I'm not taking care of a snot nosed brat who destroyed half my room." (The place is still leaking sewage, damnit!)

"Come now, don't be so-"

Xanxus, with all the filial piety of the world to his avail, displayed none of it and courteously flipped him off.

The 9th huffed in a way that was not at all dignified as befitting a Mafia boss. He leaned back in his throne like chair, closing his eyes almost as if the decision he was about to make gave him as much pain as a stab to the heart. "Well, if you insist on being so intractable, I suppose I could always cut off our weekly import of high quality Japanese sirloin beef."

But of course, Xanxus loved his beef. All the color drained from his face, and the mere thought of it sent a chill down his spine. He looked at the little brat standing next to the 9th with the flat stare and felt somewhat miserable.

And that was how Filai joined the Varia.

* * *

Or not.

All was silent.

Filai didn't know what to say. "Um." She shifted uncomfortably. "Thanks." _Hey, I'm already seventeen. You know that, right? _

Bel blinked. Or he might have; she couldn't really tell with his hair blocking his eyes, not that she was really dissatisfied with it. He giggled obnoxiously. "I know, Fili. Ushishishi. What's your point?"

Filai decided to ignore the nickname. "Well, how should I put this." _I can go to sleep perfectly fine without a bedtime story. So get the hell out of my room please. Besides, why the hell did you just make up something about my own entry into this shithole excuse for a mafia family? That was all bullshit! I DO NOT USE STRAWBERRY FLAVORED TOOTHPASTE! _

The prince adjusted his lips into something that resembled a pout to an unnerving degree. Filai skillfuly resisted the urge to run. "I bet Squalo never told you such a good bedtime story." He declared proudly.

"Of course not. That's because he's never told me bedtime stories before in the first place." _Thank god for that. Or else he'll be ranting on about his pet whale he had in 9th grade or something._

"Squalo had a pet whale?"

"I saw the photo. Except I think the whale was dead in that picture." She showed it to him.

"Wait." Bel cocked his head and declared. "That's not a whale. That's a whale shark."

"Oh." _I knew that. Shut up. _Filai did not know that at all, since a member of the Varia hardly dealt with such petty things like pets (Actually, Mammon collects post stamps to sell in the future and Lussuria maintains a flower garden and Squalo frequently requests her help-with his sword- in downloading Final Fantasy ROMS and console emulators onto his laptop and Levi constantly sacrifices small animals like bunnies and squirrels and cute little birdies that chirp songs in the morning to his Xanxus shrine. So you can't really say that members of the Varia hardly dealt with petty things, but pets weren't one of them and that was that)

They said in moody but strangely companion like silence. "Bel?"

"Yes?"

"Can you get out of my room? Before I resort to physical threats that I obviously can't fulfill but give anyways because that's what my mind was programmed to do and whoever the hell created it forgot to put in a self preservation chip? Please?" _Bitch. Get out. _

**In the noisy domain known as Sawada Tsunayoshi's house**

Sawada Tsunayoshi stared curiously at his self proclaimed science tutor, who was currently yawning and slouching and doing things that slightly implied she was exhausted out of her wits. "Filai san, you look really tired." He offered, brown doe eyes laced with touching concern. "Are you alright? Maybe you should go home and rest. I...I can finish my homework myself now. Since I kinda get some of the stuff."

"Oh, um. I fine." Filai mumbled darkly, absentmindedly flipping a page to her book. "Just that stupid xxxxx kicking me at, what was it? 4 a.m. in the morning"

The boy suddenly paled. "F-four?" He stammered weakly. "A.M?"

"Waking me up. In bed too."

"IN BED?" Tsuna nearly shrieked in unmitigated horror. "_IN BED? IN BED? D-DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE-" _

"Who cares about bedtime stories anyways?" She winced. "Jeez, now I had that nightmare about sirloin beef because of him." _Still have a freaking bruise where he punched me in the arm. Ow. I guess starting fights with experienced hit men is never a smart thing to do. _An image of Bel nursing a split lip came to mind. _Meh, it was worth it. Might've done the little fucker's attitude some good. _

Meanwhile, Sawada Tsunayoshi was in hysterics. "I-I don't have anything against th-that stuff or anything!" He stuttered, face beet red. "B-but I, uh, oh god..."

There was a soft thud as he fainted. Filai looked down. She lifted an eyebrow. _I guess our study session's over for today? _

* * *

_**Back at the Varia Base**  
_

"Why did the boss let that little twitshit into our squad anyways?" Bel asked, happily chewing on a piece of strawberry toothpaste flavored gum (where the hell did he get that?).

Marmon simply stared at him steadily through his hood before returning to his Walmart receipts (Japan has Walmart? EKAD!). "If you give me all your money stored in your bank account, I might consider dropping a hint or tw-"

The prince spun at him. "Wait, you _know?" _He demanded and maybe his eye narrowed,but it's rather hard to tell and maybe they even widened, but as it is right now, hidden behind blond bangs, there's not much of a difference.

His infant companion shrugged. "My abilities were necessary for her recruitment process." He answered loftily, though one's voice could only be so grand when it's high and effeminate like a (female) baby's.

Thus Belphagor did what all loving, caring acquaintances of almost one decade did and immediately started grilling him for answers. "Come on, you little greedy douche. Gimme the dirt. Cough it up. Cough it up!"

And was as a result nailed by a blue tentacle.

Marmon was also as a result nailed by a sharp knife.

Levi came into the room. "The boss wants another bottle of-" And was a result nailed by a blue tentacle, a sharp knife, and a piece of chewed up strawberry toothpaste flavored gum.

The latter was what knocked him out of the room.

(Lussuria was walking along, crooning over one soap opera or another and making analogies between said soap opera's characters and himXthe boss-even though the soap opera probably wasn't focused around the impossible relationship between a 90 percent female mafioso and his boss-and was subsequently nailed by a Levi.)

* * *

**Much later**

"Kya." That was monotone, by the way.

"No no. Try it a bit higher. Give it some tone variation. Feeling! Add some feeling of true horror and disgust!"

Filai floundered at the requestion. She imagined octupuses. "Ki-ya."

"No no no NO! That sounds like you're saying some Japanese girl's name." Lussuria nearly wailed, exasperation ringing in his voice. "Try it like this."

Filai instinctively drew back in alarm. _Oh please god no. I don't want to-_

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

She shivered violently, feeling nauseous all of a sudden. _Oh shit, that was disturbing. _

Chain reactions were a horrible thing, because just then Squalo came bursting in the room with his trademark _voi_, long hair waving behind him in a cheerful flurry of white. He scowled darkly, eyes narrowing as he hissed. "What the hell's going on?" And the strange thing was he was actually sounding more bemused than pissed. Wasn't that a first? He stared at Filai. "I've never heard you scream before."

An awkward pause. "Well. About that." _That wasn't me._

"What?" Squalo wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Voi, don't give me that bullshit. Who else could have pulled such a high pitched-" Then he spotted the other occupant of the room and thus began to look quite contrite. "Oh."

Lussuria waved with unnatural enthusiasm. "He-llo, Squalo! I was just teaching Fili here how to react properly when confronted with perverts and prostitute recruiters. Don't you think I was doing just a splendid job?" He sang melodically and the other two shuddered.

Filai looked at Squalo. _You did come to save me from whatever misfortune you thought I had encountered, right?_

"Huh?" He responded intelligently, blinking (also intelligently).

"Why thank you, Squalo. You're such a chivalrous man." She said, voice dripping with something that was not at all sweet. It rather stunk, actually. "Lussuria should really learn from you, shouldn't he? Especially the "man" part. Anyways, let's go." With that said and done, she shoved him out of the room.

"Oh! Don't leave! I still need to teach you how to run away pretti-" The door was slammed in Lussuria's face.

So.

There were times when Filai simply hated everyone's guts because they were so very annoying and idiotic and rude and crazy and bitchy utterly clueless in aspects of life. There were times when Filai simply wanted to drop her 1000+ page textbook over their heads and hear their pain ring throughout the air even though she was kind of weak even for the standards of seventeen year old girl who rarely participated in physically strenuous activities and maybe she wouldn't be able to do much damage anyways. There were times when she wanted to perform numerous tortures on them, like giving them paper cuts and pulling their fingernails out with a pair of tweezers while recording their horrified reactions and putting it online. There were times when-

This time was not one of them. Because Superbia Squalo had just saved her (okay, more like she used him, but who's noticing the difference?) from the diabolical clutches of some perverted gayass with a stupid green Mohawk and that deserved at least something other than an attack of dark evil mind auras.

_I love you Squalo. Never leave me. EVER. Let's get married today. You can threaten a bishop or something around here, even though it's Japan, right? I'll make a ring out of tin foil or something. Marmon could be the flower girl, right? Right? And the Boss could be the, no. He could be the flower girl instead! It's perfect! So let's get married! _

Squalo, being the retard he was, blinked again. "Huh?"

And that was how love blossomed in the Varia-

**Bedtime story end**

Filai spat out her coffee on the last line. Suddenly a mental image of Squalo in a wedding dress with a pretty red rose in his hair and a predatory grin came to mind. "Bel. That's really-really...gross."_CAN YOU PLEASE STOP TELLING ME BEDTIME STORIES? I'M BEGGING YOU!_

Bel giggled. Then he began to experience a small case of deja vu and dutifully ignored it. "Say, why do you drink coffee before you go to sleep anyways?"

"Don't change the subject."

The next day Filai couldn't look Squalo in the eye without paling and immediately rushing for the nearest bathroom. Xanxus later passed by said bathroom and heard her throwing up in the toilet. He snorted and walked on with the assumption that-well, not so nice assumptions, and let's just leave it at that.

_M-must purge horribly disturbing images. I know! Think happy thoughts! Um. Bel under a guillotine. Bel under a guillotine. Bel under a guillotine. Bel under a guillotine. Bel under a guillotine. Bel under a guillotine. Bel under a guillotine. Bel under a guillotine. It's working!_

"Fili!" Lussuria burst into the bathroom (without even knocking!), waving a ladle and attired in the apron that now proudly bore KISS THE GAY COOK (okay, the GAY was actually written in a sort of handwriting that looked suspiciously like Xanxus had carefully, yet miserably tried to forge something in Filai's handwriting. With permanant marker). "I'm going to try and make shark stew today! Is that alright with you?"

The look she sent him was simply withering. "I hate you." _Go fuck yourself. _

"Oh? Did I say something wrong?" Then he simply looked understanding. "Ah, I see. Fifi. It's _that _time of the month again, isn't it?"

Nobody could blame Filai when she then shoved the pervert's head down the toilet. And made sure it stayed there, with the help of a plunger.

("That was last week." Bel whispered as he and everyone else aside from Xanxus peeked through the entrance. "Voi. How the hell do you know that?" "Shishishi." The prince looked quite smug and that was quite something considering how the little bitch was ALWAYS smug. His fellow eavesdroppers expressed their congratulations by hitting him on the head. "THAT'S NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF!")

Then Xanxus came back and blew the whole place up because he had just belatedly realized that the bathroom that Filai was using was his and that's just too objectionable a concept.

* * *

**Namimori Middle School**

Tsuna saw his science score and his jaw promptly fell open.

Yamamoto, seeing his short friend's seemingly terrified reaction, put a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. "Blew it again, Tsuna?" He grinned cheerfully. "It's alright! There's always next time. 'Sides, I didn't do that great either. You don't have to feel so-"

"Don't compare yourself to the Tenth, Baseball Nut." Gokudera snapped viciously, slapping said baseball nut's hand off of Tsuna's shoulder. "Juudaime's mentality is ten times sharper than your pathetic excuse for a brain." He quickly hid his test paper with the big fat 100 on the surface behind his back. "What'd you get, huh?"

Sheepishly, Yamamoto showed him the messy 80% scrawled on his sheet, along with teacher's comments of _Good job. You're improving. _

The other boy's expression was a mixture of triumph and disappointment. "Hmph, guess it's obvious who's better suited to be the Tenth's right hand man." He smirked, before hurriedly adding. "Don't get cocky though, just because you beat the Tenth."

"I wasn't-"

"What'd you get, Boss? Hey, it's alright if it's low. You cannot be blamed since you must be worried about the welfare of the family." Gokudera's expression darkened. "Ever since that long haired freak showed up. I swear, Juudaime. The next time I see that bastard I'll stuff dynamite down his guts and blow him straight to fucking Kingdom Co-" He caught sight of Tsuna's test score and the muscles in his face slackened in shock.

Peering curiously at the two of his dumbstruck friends, Yamamoto laughed nervously. "Hey now, is Tsuna's score that bad? I mean, he did get a zero before. Right? So it can't be that big of a-" He spotted Tsuna's paper and blinked. Then laughed happily. "Wow, Tsuna! Congratulations. You got such a high score!"

Nodding weakly, Tsuna rubbed his eyes to make sure he wasn't hallucinating. When he opened them, the 78 was still there, along with teacher comments of _CONGRATULATIONS, SAWADA KUN! I'M SO PROUD OF YOU! PLEASE KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! _Along with other miscellaneous things, but that's not especially important to relate.

Gokudera Hayato was in tears. He nearly choked on his spit as he clasped Tsuna's hand. "J-Juudaime." He sobbed while other students who overheard their conversation whispered to each other.. "That seventy eight percent clearly reflects the determination and hard work you have put into your school work." He sniveled somewhat pathetically. "I-I have never been prouder of being your right hand man, Tenth!"

'No way, No Good Tsuna got a 78? A 78?'

'Wow, can't believe it. Didn't he get a twenty nine on the last exam? Ya think he cheated or something?'

'Nah, he'd never have the guts to do that. But seriously'

'Oh my god! I was beaten by No Good Tsuna? That's so degrading!'

Unfortunately, that last speaker was caught by a certain Gokudera Hayato and then immediately subjected to a round of radioactively relevant torture.

"Isn't it great, Tsuna?" Yamamoto swung a cheerful arm around the spiky haired boy's shoulder. "You're a genius, I tell you!"

Tsuna smiled weakly.

* * *

**After school (in a park in the middle of nowhere)**

_No way, the brats multiplied? Oh my god, is this the result of breeding? Holy shit, holy shit, holy SHIT. Is Tsunayoshi kun asexual or something? He's not human? Oh my god, this is so unnervingly weird! _"Oh, so you brought your friends too, Tsunayoshi kun?"

Sawada Tsunayoshi laughed nervously, scratching the back of his head. Behind him, two boys with very opposite expressions looked at her curiously. The shorter one was actually glaring at her, but what's the big difference? "I thought I'd find you here. Um. Do you always stay here, Filai san?"

"Yes, I find it relaxing." Filai excused quietly. _It's a PUBLIC park. Got a problem with it, Shortie?_

Innocently unaware of the mental connotation, Tsunayoshi kept on smiling cutely and stupidly. "Oh, um. This is Gokudera kun." The one who looked like he swallowed a bug gave a small grunt. "And this is Yamamoto."

The cluelessly happy one with the sports bag waved. "Yo, nice to meet you!"

Filai stared at them tonelessly before shrugging and turning back to her book. "A pleasure." She said shortly.

It was reflexes; that was the only explanation in the world that could have worked without defying the laws of physics and relativity and a bunch of other bullshit that kept her from jumping off a cliff and not dying. How else could Gokudera have reacted that fast? He seized her by the coat collar, glaring daggers that could probably have killed her. My oh my, if looks could kill.

(She wasn't especially perturbed by this because there was also the fact that Xanxus' glares HAVE killed people. Heart attacks, usually, though sometimes she couldn't quite help but wonder if there was something else to it)

"How dare you address the Tenth in such a rude manner!" He yelled straight in her somewhat startled face, spit flying in odd directions that did not at all come into contact with her because her semi invisible dark aura prevents things like that. "Get down on your knees and apologize!"

"Ex...cuse me?" _Are you high? _

"You heard me, Woman! Don't play deaf! Go apologize until Juudaime forgives you!"

Tsunayoshi and Yamamoto jumped to pull their short tempered friend back. "Wait a moment, Gokudera kun!" Tsuna stammered, struggling to keep him at bay. "I just wanted you to meet Filai san! She was one who helped me study on the test! I owe her a lot, you know!"

Gokudera stopped, immediately blanched as he let go of her coat. "O...oh...Is that so?" He gulped, then gave a quick glance at Filai, who was still a bit surprised at the sudden assault. She was dusting her clothes off. "Well. I-I didn't know or anything. I thought-" He faltered.

"Come on now, Gokudera." Yamamoto offered good naturedly, though not without a touch of sternness in his voice. "Just apologize."

He shot the taller boy another nasty glare before heaving a sigh. "Sorry." He mumbled, not even looking at her.

No response. Filai gave him a queer look. "It's fine, I suppose." She finally answered, deadpan.

"Yeah? Then why did you look at me funny?" He snapped, ignoring his friends' attempts to calm him down.

A shrug. "Nothing. I just don't receive apologies that often." _Because my colleagues are barbaric madmen who do not follow proper etiquette. They're about as polite as cavemen. And some of them look like it too, as a matter of fact. _

They pestered her for details, but she ignored them. "So I heard you say you got a good score on your science test, am I correct?"

Smiling brightly, Tsunayoshi showed her the 78 on his test document. He looked so proud. "It's my highest test score I've ever gotten." He proclaimed.

Filai raised an eyebrow. "Are you serious?" _You're an idiot, aren't you?_

The smile slid downwards and Yamamoto had to begin restraining Gokudera again. Tsunayoshi reddened. "W-well. I'm not that good at anything. So-" He said dejectedly. "Mom might be happy though."

"That's nice." _Hey, as long as the mom's happy._

"You're not that happy, huh?" Tsunayoshi asked sadly, and then made a face. "Actually, you're NEVER happy. You never smile at all."

"Really?" Yamamoto actually had genuine concern for someone he just met five minutes ago. Yep, he's a dolt. "That's not good. You need to smile more, Filai." He grinned, as if to show off his excellent smiling skills.

Filai nearly quailed on the idea. "I think I'll pass." She excused. "You see, it takes too much effort to smile, as opposed to frowning. I don't really like to spare any effort unless absolutely necessary. You can call it a policy."

"More effort? How?"

She tossed a random apple in their general direction. It landed weakly on Gokudera's head. "For one thing, isn't smiling going against gravity?" She pointed out, watching in amusement as Gokudera threw the apple on the ground in a fit of bad sportsmanship. "Since it goes," She jerked a finger towards the sky. "Up."

That was possibly the weirdest logic ever. And the thing was it actually kinda made sense.

An infant decked in a mafia suit and hat observed the scene from within a nearby tree. He sipped his cappuccino. "Hm, I should thank that girl. Shouldn't I, Leon?" The chameleon on the top of his hat nodded in agreement.

* * *

"Hm, that dinner was nice." Filai sighed, walking into the Varia's personalized hotel. "I should eat out more. It's so much more peaceful. Though I could do with a cappuccino right now."

As Filai went in, Marmon, Bel, Squalo, Lussuria, and Xanxus went OUT. Gola Mosca followed ominously. It seriously acted like it had breathing issues. All that steam it was emitting through its gas mask couldn't be healthy. "We're leaving." Squalo said shortly, hair waving prettily behind him as he passed her. "Fucking Levi went to find the other side's Thunder Guardian first. Move your ass."

"Pardon me?" _Huh?_

They all disappeared in a flash, as highly demoniacally professional hitmen were prone to do. Filai stared at empty space for almost a minute before she realized that they had ditched her. "Now wasn't that just rude..." _Then. I CAN'T GO THAT FAST! I'M JUST A NORMAL HIGH SCHOOL GIRL WHO PARTAKES IN LITTLE TO NO STRENUOUS PHYSICAL EXERCISE!_

No answer.

She sighed and kicked a nearby pebble in defeat. She injured her foot. "I hate them."

* * *

**A/N: **What next? Will Filai meet Tsuna as a true Varia core member and shatter their painstakingly created friendship? Will she be able to make it at all to the scary first meeting between Xanxus and Tsuna? Will Squalo not be a bitch and actually come back for her and confess his love? (Just to tell you now, not a chance)

But seriously, no SqualoXFilai interaction aside from that stupid story Bel kindly provided. Do not fear! It will all come in due time (evil laugh). And for people who have read my other OC story, Mori will not be appearing because then that would upset some things and I prefer to keep characters separate if at all possible.

Anyways, opinions are welcome! Especially asking if all the canon characters are not OOC, because if it is then I would have to first purify myself in the blood of one animal or another and then re-edit the whole thing. You know the usual process.


	3. Chapter 2

A/N: ~evil maniacal laugh of utter doom~ I'M BACK!!! COWER IN FEAR, MORTALS!! (gets shot). Anyways, I PUT INTERACTION! I'M AMAZING!!!! BOW BEFORE ME! (shot again). E...enjoy. And...Katekyo Hitman Reborn...i...isn't mine (dies).

(Okay, I totally should be working on other stories right now, but I'm LAZY. And I was gonna post this chapter later, but it's already done and I figured I should put _something, _at the very least. X_x)

* * *

Chapter 2

Remember that one time when I said Filai broke Lussuria's fingers when protecting her coffee?

Yeah. I lied.

Alright, it's not ENTIRELY a lie; wasn't even Lussuria's fault in the first place. It actually went along something like: In an attempt to protect her coffee which was currently being swiped by Bel, Filai threw her food into his face and the thing was her aim wasn't the most terrible one in the world. The said food was still rather hot-still steaming- and easily knocked him over.

Bel crashed into Levi, who in a fit of chain reactionary horror attempted to skewer him with an umbrella. But unlike Filai, Levi did NOT have as good an aim and accidentally sliced off a few strands of Squalo's hair.

Yes. Squalo's hair. As in, the strawberry shampoo reeking, long, girly hair that Superbia Squalo used as a symbol of his mad devotion to his equally mad boss. As in, the hair that he got up every morning at four a.m to take care of for a gazillion hours and spent four more hours at night to carefully arrange so he'll wake up still with such pretty hair and not have to spend a gazillion more hours in addition.

As in, his hair.

As in, SQUALO'S hair.

And that very precise moment was when all hell broke loose.

*

So in the aftermath, Lussuria got two broken fingers. His first two broken fingers.

And if you must absolutely know, Belphagor was condemned to the hospital for almost two months, Levi had to take therapy sessions for twice that amount of time, and Marmon threw away his "HIT THE SHARK WITH A FORK" arcade game that he had forced Filai on pain of tentacle murder to make for him.

Xanxus had been sitting in his chair, all god like as he had a habit of doing, and enjoying the whole thing.

But really, Lussuria's injury (fine, aside from Squalo's hair) was the only one worth mentioning. He couldn't cook for a long time and eating restaurant food isn't exactly what one would call healthy.

So yeah. Maybe it was her fault, but don't assume she could break the bones of anyone in the Varia with her bare hands. She could probably do so with an ax or a machete, but that's providing if she could lift that sort of weapon up at all.

THE POINT OF THIS STORY IS:

Don't touch Squalo's hair. Unless you want to die. Actually, don't do that even then. Because he probably won't kill you. He'll torture you in color ways and then disfigure/disable/both you for life and then let you go rot in a worm infested hole in the middle of fuckshit nowhere which happened to be crawling with land resilient sharks even though that's technically a biological impossibility but that guy always defies biological impossibilities so don't except the laws of nature to come saving your sorry ass. Because chances are, it won't.

THEN you'll be crying.

THE REAL POINT OF THE STORY IS:

Filai was not strong at all, physically speaking. It wasn't the matter of "I'm sorry, I can't run fifty miles without stop in under twenty minutes, but I can probably run forty nine if I tried my hardest", but more like "I'm not sorry at all, but I can't possibly run for one minute without stop and the most I could carry using both arms is around fifteen pounds. So please don't bother with me when seeking a labor slave".

Therefore, it took about one minute and thirty nine seconds for Filai to run out of breath and that was just kinda embarrassing, but she was used to failing physical education in school anyways and made do with as little complaint as possible. Which still wasn't saying much.

_I....I don't get ho...how those people do this kind of thing for a living. _She panted miserably; scooted somewhere on the side of the road so she could catch her breath and not get hit by a truck. _Waving a giant sword around all day, chasing each other with knives, dancing the salsa.._

She looked up in the sky and frowned even more than she already was. "It's getting dark."

A momentary pause. "That's not good. Ninety percent chance that I will lose my way before I find them." _Stupid bitches of coworkers. SHOW SOME SYMPATHY! _

And shit, she had better find them fast.

* * *

Squalo suddenly noticed that they were missing someone.

So while Xanxus spewed death related shit and threatened a fourteen year old shrimp with his glowing hands of utter demise that could possibly wipe a city off the face of the local map, Superbia Squalo bemusedly attempted to figure out who was absent at such important a time.

Headcount:

Gay Housewife that's not a Girl but makes pretty tasty chocolate muffins either way (Lussuria): Check

Shady, hooded Brat with the really gross snot maps and tissue-phobia because why not use that instead of printing paper? It's softer! (Marmon): Check

Prince Complexed Prince with Pretty and possibly false teeth (Bel): Check (GASP! HOW COULD YOU THINK OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT, SQUALO!?)

Boss Complexed and a rather underdeveloped specimen of Homo Sapien (Levi): Check

Giant Lump of Metal that might have Asthma judging from all its heavy breathing (Gola Mosca): Check

Fucking Boss (Fucking Xanxus, the Bitch): Check

(Somewhere in the same dimension, a really physically pathetic girl ran out of breath for the seventh time in four minutes)

They were all here, but there were supposed to be SEVEN guardians. SEVEN. He could only see six! There had to be someone missing, but Squalo couldn't figure out who and it was really getting on his nerve. He let out an annoyed growl and Levi shot him a dirty look. "Don't interrupt the Boss."

"He's not even speaking!" Squalo snapped viciously and yelped in pain as another glass of beer made contact with his head and what the fuck, Xanxus didn't even turn around but the swordsman could feel evil killing intent that was seemingly bent on strangling him and that just wasn't at all pleasant an experience.

(Somewhere in the same dimension, a nameless girl in a mafia assassination squad uniform was wishing she had more caring coworkers. And a cup of tea. The former more so, for once)

But then again, maybe that blow unhinged something in his head because then and there came to him. He knew why there were only six guardians. In fact, now that he knew it, Squalo just had to cringe in horror despite his unbearable pride because that was quite painfully obvious.

He had forgotten to count himself.

(Somewhere in the same dimension, a textbook obsessed girl cursed her uncaring colleagues via creepy telepathic methods)

Squalo sullenly glared at the crowd of middle school kiddies who were at the moment being intimidated by his bastard of a boss.

Sawada Tsunayoshi whimpered.

In other, technical terms, Superbia Squalo was an idiot.

(Between you and me, everyone else remembered that Filai was missing. They just didn't care enough to mention it)

* * *

_Where are those stupid bastards? Namimori isn't THAT big of a city. _

That was when Filai tripped over a crack in the sidewalk, and that really hurt because she had probably just skinned her knee or something and she was tired and in dire need of some soda or coffee and she still had to study for her biology test and right now her textbook wasn't even with her and even if it were she couldn't have studied because it was so dark right now and the street lights weren't that bright and her knee was in dire pain and her life sucked horribly and-

"Filai san?"

Oh, it was Tsunayoshi and company. Filai stared. _Holy crap. They ARE breeding! Since when were there so many kids?! _

Tsunayoshi was looking quite traumatized due to some reason that was unknown and uncared for by her, but he was a sweet little kid and nevertheless offered her a shaky smile. Gokudera shot her a nasty look and Yamamoto waved cheerfully. A baby in a black suit stared at her intently and his pet chameleon did so as well. _Synchronized babies and lizards. Sheesh, next thing you know, Tsunayoshi kun will be flying in the air with a pair of oven mittens and Marmon'll be pawned by a pineapple haired little girl who turns into so batshit crazy middle school nut with mismatched eyes. Ahaha, I crack myself up. _

"Um...so what are you doing here so late?"

Filai pushed herself into standing position, albeit with some difficulty, and brushed off the seat of her pants. "I'm trying to find my boss. And my fellow workers." She answered, sadly, almost. "They went to a meeting without me." _But then again, it was only with some middle school kids. How much could I have missed? Hell, maybe the Boss already fried and ate them, then we can be on our way back to Italy right on time for my test._

Gokudera snorted. "They ditched you?"

"Quite blunt and to the point, are you? But yes, that is essentially what happened."

"That sucks!" One of their fellow twits declared, shoving a bandaged fist in the air. Volume wise, his voice was almost on par was Squalo's and Filai mentally shuddered at the comparison. "TO THE EXTREME!"

After attempting to calm this boy who he addressed as _Oniisan _(That means Big Brother, doesn't it? They certainly do not resemble each other in the least), Tsunayoshi turned to Filai. "Um, can you tell us what they look like?"

A momentary pause. Filai frowned, eyebrows furrowing in thought. "Well, they all have distinct appearances. I guess you'd remember them if you noticed. Okay. One of them looks like they got thrown in a blender and had his remains frozen in non melting ice for a couple years (Xanxus). One of them looks like a porn magazine model (Squalo). One of them looks like some kind of a caveman gangster with piercings at odd areas (Levi). One of them looks like he hasn't aged for most of his life (Mammon). One of them looks like some twisted princess who spends all her money on dentist bills rather than frilly clothes and whatnot (Bel). One of them looks like some shady cross between a housewife, a circus clown, and a peacock (Lussuria)And....I think the last one just looks like a lump of metal with a mask (Gola Mosca, MY BEST FRIEND!!!)."

Another pause. "Did that help?"

In the meanwhile, Tsunayoshi was trying and failing to make some kind of identifiable noise. His friends were likewise performing similar sorts of actions. The chameleon possessing infant being an exception. "Sorry. We didn't see anyone like that." He apologized in a squeaky tone. He smiled deviously. "So you're Filai, aren't you?"

"Quite so."

With remarkable athletic ability, he hopped onto one of the walls separating residential area and the sidewalk. He stuck out a tiny hand. "My name is Reborn. I'm Tsuna's tutor."

_Am I supposed to shake it or something?_ She tentatively did so with her thumb and two other fingers and found that she didn't even have to budge her wrist. Reborn did the shaking part, with more strength than she expected from a little kid. "...Pleasure's mine, I guess." _I also guess Marmon's not the only one year old genius around here after all. _

"I've been wanting to meet you for quite a while now." Reborn began, ever the conversationalist that she didn't know he was. "I'm quite impressed at your knowledge in science."

"Excuse me?"

"You were the one who taught Tsuna, were you not? For a student who usually gets zeros on his tests to have such a high score, it's rather amazing, isn't it?"

Filai, being the kind and sweet and totally sister figure she was, did not respond to the compliment and instead opted for staring at Tsunayoshi in semi disbelief, mostly blankness. ".....zeros?"

Tsunayoshi turned an interesting shade of red. "R...Reborn!" He spluttered, completely embarrassed.

Reborn ignored him. "Yep. He's so pathetic that all his classmates have found it fit to give him the nickname No Good Tsuna."

"Isn't it impossible to get zeros?"

"Obviously not, for the majority of Tsuna's test scores are made up of them."

Another blank look. But being arrogant wasn't going to get her anywhere in life unless it was with the Varia and that was simply because she might be smarter than them. It wasn't exactly her business anyways. Filai shrugged disinterestedly. "Well, in any case, I'm glad I could help." _Zeros. Wow. Just...wow. _

Smile widening, Reborn nodded.

"Anyways, I'm guessing that my boss and the others would be back by the hotel now. So I should be going."

Sawada Tsunayoshi was such a nice, sweet, adorable child. His once embarrassed expression quickly turned into one of genuine concern and Filai, being a creature of the dark (metaphorically) almost reflexively turned away from the sparkles of good will that radiated from his person like ultraviolet light waves emitted from the sun. She was sensitive to those kinds of things. _My eyes. MY EYES._

"Um, Filai san. You'll be alright, right?"

_Ow ow ow ow ow. His smile. It burns, god damn it! My pupils don't dilate easily! Please don't blind me! I'm too young. _"Of course. What makes you think otherwise?"

He shifted nervously. "Well, it's just-I haven't really heard you say that much good stuff about your boss before. I'm just wondering, he's not like-hurting you or anything, right?"

"He broke half my bones before and cracked my skull once. He also abuses me both verbally and physically every day, especially when nobody else is around to kill."

"That's terrible!" This time, it was Yamamoto who said it, face also laced with similar concerns for her well being that really was painful to look at.

_ARG! BEING ATTACKED BY LITTLE BRATS EMITTING UNADULTERATED ALTRUISM!!! Show some mercy!!!! _

"You should get a new job." the Oniisan yelled, still shaking his fist in the air. "TO THE EXTREME!"

Filai, not exactly used to being cared for, was now being partially suffocated from the power of happy and niceness that was eroding her protection barriers of undilated pessimism and depression. Her eyes hurt. "W...well...I-I don't really want to-" _Life-life power's fading._

"Eh? Why not, Filai neesan?" A small ten year old-ish boy with brown hair asked, the tip of a scarf and a gigantic book dangling precariously from inside his jacket that strangely enough, did not stick out at odd places despite the many large items it seemingly contained. And why did he call her neesan? She wasn't his sister! She had never even seen the kid before! And the niceness was really killing her now. "You shouldn't have to be with such mean people, right?"

She swallowed, hard, and forced a disinterested shake of the head. "Well-you see, I have a-unique relationship with him. It-It's complicated."

Gokudera snorted, lighting up a cigarette. "I bet the stupid woman's just too scared." He grouched out, puffing on his cancer inducing treat and messily spitting out horrible smelling smoke. Two babies that were not Reborn were busy crying and yelling.

"Excuse me, I highly resent that comment." She protested, though not loudly enough to be heard as she was still trying to edge away from the pure aura that really was overpowering her not so pure one without appearing rude. Gokudera's negative energy felt nice. Like sunshine! (the irony, anyone?)

Tsuna fixed his eyes on her with the cutest, nicest, most determined gaze that a fourteen year old with shitty grades and shitty pretty much everything could possibly muster. "It's alright, Filai san." He spoke with some surprising degree of confidence. Filai merely blinked. "We'll help you."

Pause.

"Thanks?" She was now officially lost. "And why would you do that?"

"Of course we'll help you!" Yamamoto laughed cheerfully, clapping a friendly hand on her shoulder. "We're friends, right? Friends help each other."

LOST. LOST. COMPLETELY LOST. "Friends." Filai repeated, confused. "We're friends..."

"Yeah!" The baseball fanatic confirmed with a grin. Tsuna nodded shyly and Gokudera grunted something.

The Oniisan looked from one person to another and yelled. "I DON'T GET WHAT'S GOING ON, BUT WE'RE COMRADES! TO THE EXTREME!"

Now Filai was just at loss for words. She opened her mouth, perhaps to say something, but nothing came out. Closed it again. Stood there looking completely bewildered. _Friends, they said? _"Well..." She finally managed to struggle out. "I mean, thanks for the concern and everything. But-I don't...you see. I don't really-I'm not that-well-unhappy with my...job. I don't really have anything against my boss or anything. He's not THAT bad." _Especially if he didn't have any alcohol within the last five hours._

"Not bad?!" Now Tsunayoshi was sounding rather hysterical. "He-he hurts you! That's a horrible way of treating employees! How could you stand such treatment and not blame him for anything?"

Reborn continued to observe silently, a small proud smirk playing on his lips. Must be because of his student's display of pure white altruism or something.

Though Tsunayoshi did have a point.

_I COULD just quit, couldn't I? I won't have to deal with alcohol being thrown at me, or being woken up at three in the morning because Squalo had fallen out of his bed and was screaming profanity at the top of his lungs (his room's right next to mine, for god sakes! Why is EVERYTHING with him right next to me?) or Bel throwing perverted jokes at me or Marmon calling me an idiot or Lussuria trying to get me in girl's clothes or Levi glaring at me every time I talk to the Boss. _

Why shouldn't she quit, huh?

Just for the fewest of seconds, Filai imagined a life without having to live in a mansion full of maniacs with homicidal tendencies and vague gender distinctions.

Pause.

Pause. Pause.

Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause.

Pause.

That was possibly the ugliest thoughts she had ever had the unfortunate chance of thinking.

And as to why. That was a bit trickier to answer. "I _don't_ know how I could stand his treatment and not blame him for anything." Filai mused, slowly, curiously, out loud, effectively ignoring the fact that she was at the center of attention. "Boss is quite a spiteful sort of person."

"Exactly, so you should just-"

"But I guess." She finally said, breaking out of her train of thought. "I love him."

A most awkward silence. Then, before anyone could react.

"But not like that."

The tension dissipated easily after that short remark. They all let out a shaky, relieved sigh. Tsunayoshi's legs seemed to have nearly given out.

"It's a platonic love."

"That." Gokudera stated, deadpan. "Is a contradiction of words."

Filai frowned. "Well, maybe that isn't the best way to appropriately convey my thoughts." She admitted grudgingly. "Let me try again...." Another brief moment of silence. "Sibling love?"

"That's slightly better." Confirmed Reborn, looking satisfied at the new response. "Older or younger?"

"Younger, most definitely." She muttered. _Well, he's actually older than me by seven years. But that's not the point. He's horribly immature. Spoiled, actually. Besides, those temper bursts of him are somewhat resembling tantrums anyways."_It's fine. He won't kill me." _Unless he's in a bad mood. But usually I could stay away from him during those times. If not, I bring a Bel or Lussuria along. They can make it out alive. _"Well. He's...cute. Sometimes."

And that term was used to describe not only a fully grown man, but a fully grown man with combustive hands, firearms, evil glare that could kill even if looks couldn't kill, and fanatical boss complexed subordinates?

Tsunayoshi's mouth curved a small O shape. He shifted nervously, the very image of defeat and relief all shoved together in one nice, neat packet of pathetic middle schooler. "Well, if you really mean it." He said, sincerely, and Filai tried her best not to flinch.

_The NICENESS! IT BURNS! GOD FUCK IT! _

Then it occurred to her. Of course she couldn't survive without the Varia. Xanxus aside, Filai couldn't possibly survive without being force fed creepy, dark, evil, murderous auras that her fellow Varians (made up term) possessed in more subtle forms. It was essential to her health. One day of Tsunayoshi's bright concern could get her killed in the most gruesome way possible.

(Since, theoretically, a "creature of darkness" could not possibly get along with "creatures of light". So she reasoned, that is.)

"Thank you for your concern, Tsunayoshi kun. And company." She added the last bit, delivering a sweeping glance at his friends. "I'm perfectly fine with my current lifestyle. But I am touched by all your actions of kindness towards me. It's quite an honor to be officially known as your friend." _Alright, it's not. Gola Mosca's better than this. He doesn't kill me with optimistic energy. _.

"You shouldn't use polite terms with friends! To the extreme!" The Oniisan yelled.

"You'll have to excuse him." Reborn noted. "Ryohei's quite a hot headed character."

_He'd get along with Lussuria. Too bad I can never let them meet. Lussuria will probably try and add him to his corpse collection. _"Not at all. I'm perfectly used to such company." _Now... _"Do you know where we are, by any chance? I'm lost."

* * *

The first thing that came to Superbia Squalo's mind when Filai came in through the hotel lobby was something that went along the lines of _Oh. So that's who I forgot._

Said thought was immediately replaced by "Voi! What the fuck happened to you? You look wasted."

Indeed she did. "D...dark energy..."

"What?"

"I've been attacked." Filai's voice was as flat as ever, despite the fact that she looked like she had just been assaulted by a bunch of goody goody happy and cheerfully nice mind waves, because everyone in the Varia knew that was, among many other things, her most crushing weakness.

Again, Filai was more sensitive to those sorts of stuffs.

She sighed. "You're murderous aura feels so much better." _More than those stupid twerps. Nearly killed me. _She mumbled drearily, stumbling over thin air as she shakily walked up to him. _I...I need to recover. _"So what happened? Did the meeting go well?"

He scowled. "Fucking Iemitsu showed up. 9Th's order. We're going to have to battle one on one with the shitty brats."

She didn't know who Iemitsu is. She didn't give half a shit about the 9th's order. She really hated the fact that there was fighting involved. Filai rubbed the bridge of her nose, pursing her lips in a frown. She could dimly feel a headache coming.

"I hate my life." Looking up, Filai blinked at Squalo, who blinked back. Another sigh. "Your dark aura feels nice. Can I stay in your room for the night?" _Say no and I will perform evil, painful things on you. _

Squalo was slow on these things. "Wha...?"

Unfortunately, half witted responses were not a good thing to use when answering Filai's questions. Ambiguity was something of a talent for her, after all. " It's settled. I'm sleeping with you tonight. You're nice, Squalo." _Fwahahahahaha. _

Even with Filai's monotone voice, that sounded terribly wrong. Somewhere deep in his evil, twisty black heart, Squalo banged his head against the wall.

Actually, he did that in reality too. So never mind.

"Voi. You don't know what you just implied, did you." That was more a statement than an inquiry.

"I see no use in implications when a straightforward request achieves no less a result." _No I don't know. But I know YOU perfectly well, so I'm willing to bet it's something perverted. Don't tell me. _"But you won't refuse, right?"

He could refuse, actually. But he tried that once, a long time ago (AKA a week and two days ago), when the poor girl had returned home after being bombarded by the goodwills of a bunch of teenage girls from her school and needed evil energy recuperation. And Filai, with her voice which coincidentally lacked a tone, was a good liar. She told Xanxus that he (Squalo) had stolen some of his precious booze.

The results had been disastrous.

And if insane, long haired swordsmen with blades duct taped to their left hands could cry in this world, Squalo would be sobbing his eyes out by now.

Instead he glared a nasty glare and for once in a long time, kept his mouth shut.

Well, no. He didn't. "I hate you."

"Well what a manageable situation." Was the airy reply. "I hate me too. But I hate you more."

"Fucking brat."

"Old man." _You're hair's white. Don't argue with me about that._

"Bitch."

Pause. "Xanxus' bitch."

Ouch, that hurt. Squalo's scowl deepened and his brows creased in exasperated pissy offy-ness. "Coffee addict."

THAT was just plain rude. Filai bitch kicked him in the leg and the sad thing was he didn't even feel it.

In the shadows (actually, it was behind the couch. But the shadows are so much more dramatic, wouldn't you say?) a member of the royal family of a nameless country-because Akira Amano has yet to give us that information. Maybe never will.- overheard the highly mature conversation and then conspired. With a big silly grin.

*

"So what do you think of her, Tsuna?"

"She's..." Tsuna paused. "Nice. But she seems kinda-antisocial. Like she was really surprised when we said she was our friend. Aside from that..." He drifted off, deep in thought despite being an idiot.

"Hm?"

"She just-I mean, it's just a feeling. You know, like an instinc-gwah!" He gave a strangled yell as Reborn kicked him in the face.

"Just get to the point already."

Gingerly rubbing his face, Tsuna whimpered. "She reminds me of Mukuro Rokudo for some reason!"

"What do you know, I feel exactly the same way. Now go to sleep. You've got a long week of training ahead of you."

Tsuna made a sobbing sound.

*

Next Morning. (By the way, Filai's hair wasn't terribly long. But it was still a little long; about a foot or so. Just normal. She was a GIRL, after all, and okay...the real reason her hair was mildly lengthy was that she kind of had a phobia against hair cutting people. But shut up about that, will you?)

Squalo's eyes wasn't deceiving him after all. It was all real. No illusion (damn that Marmon if it was). No dreaming. Nothing.

He felt something inside him snap.

Yes. Somebody was going to DIE.

Filai, being a heavy sleeper, did not wake up even though Squalo was right next to her when his enraged scream woke up all of Japan. "VOOIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOU MOTHER FUCKING SON OF A BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Wow. Watch the language. You're in the presence of comatose high school kids. Be a good role model.

(Like ANYONE would use him as a role model)

He stormed out of the bedroom, half carrying, half dragging out said comatose high school kid along by the collar because he had no choice considering the fact that the edges of their hair was elaborated tied together in a splendid green and white knot of braids and hair bands and scrunchies and the occasional pink and frilly bow here or there.

Yeah.

So Bel tied their hair together.

Honestly, after so many years in this hitmen/killing/murder business together, you'd think these Varia people would SOME sense of respect towards each other? Or if not that, at least some self preservation.

Either of them would be nice.

**END CHAPTER**

* * *

Ending comments: ALRIGHT! I WILL SAY THIS NOW! **FILAI HAS ABSOLUTELY NO DIRECT CONNECTION WITH MUKURO!** THEY MAY MEET IN THE NEAR OR NOT SO NEAR FUTURE OR THEY MAY NOT! WHY TSUNA THOUGHT THAT WILL BE REVEALED LATER! SO JUST TO MAKE THAT CLEAR!!!

Hope you enjoyed it. I have little comment as opposed to the last chapter, don't I? Hahaha.


	4. Chapter 3

**A/N:**I present to you, Ch. 3. A bit shorter than the last chapter, but I'm on a busy schedule and I hope you'll cope with things as they are right now. Many apologies for the delay. Ahaha.

* * *

**Chapter 3**

So the easiest method was to chop off Filai's hair instead. And Squalo, despite his beautiful locks (then again, since his blood vow with Xanxus involved _not _cutting his hair, maybe things were more understandable) is horrible at cutting hair, so now the end of hers was jagged and loose and just occasionally, a few strands would fall out when she turned too sharply and do you know how hard it is to vacuum hair out of the mattress and carpet? They kind of twist in with the fabric despite having no logical possibility of doing so, and one can only stare at the result as say "what the fuck".

And that was that.

Except there was now the matter of getting the remains of Filai's hair OUT of Squalo's, and let's just say nobody was too enthusiastic for the job.

-Well no shit. He's loud enough as it is without somebody sadistic and evil (as they all were) pulling hair out of his hair with possible motives of deliberate pain and torture and amusement because EVERYONE loved pulling at his hair. It was so long and silky and shiny and utterly yankable. It gives the puller a nice, fuzzy feeling on the inside. Kind of.

* * *

**Next day** (AKA The day where they are one step closer to going back to Italy with as little hassle as possible because how in the world could Lussuria, a member of the infamous and totally badass Varia Assassination Squad, capable of performing missions beyond that of human capability, lose to a middle school student?)

**Morning: Operation Teach Little Brats Science**

"So the prokaryotic cell differs from the eukaryote most notably because the former lacks a nucleus in which to store many things such as DNA, which is located in the nucleus for the eukaryotic cell. Prokaryotic cells usually are confined to protists and bacteria and whatnot, while eukaryotic usually makes up plants and animals and fungi. And why are you staring at me like I have no head, Tsunayoshi?"

Tsuna squeaked and stammered and did all sorts of actions indicating his humiliation, and his face turned the beetiest of beet red before he managed to output an answer. "Uh, nothing!" He stuttered. "I'm listening! Uh, so the eucarrot has, um...eh...something that procarrot doesn't, and...it's why procarrot's more complex. Right?"

He was subsequently treated with the flattest look he had ever seen her give by far. And considering it was Filai, who (believe it or not) had an even better poker face than Keanu Reeves (Oh, Matrix. Such a classic series. The guy had _one freaking expression _throughout two whole movies. The only reason it really changed in the third was because his eyes were electro-pawned with power cords) that was saying something. "Is your mind filled with carrots?"

"Uh, well." Tsuna said intelligently.

"Or is it that your mind IS made up of carrots? Because that will explain a lot of things, you know."

"I'm sorry!" He cried, nearly wailed, actually. "I was just wondering why you had such a bad haircut...I mean, it's not bad! It's unique! It's really unique!" He shrieked. "I-is it a new style from Europe? I mean, I don't see people in Namimori wear their hair with one side three inches longer than the other! That's all!"

So it seemed that Tsunayoshi was much more skitterish than usual today, and Filai could only think of two reasons for such behavior.

1. He has some strange activity on his agenda today that involves very murderous people who want to kill him and his friends just because he existed and the said murderous people were utter bitches because they obviously don't care that Tsunayoshi and co. were children and thus undeserving in such cruel, evil treatment and this is kinda reminding her of a certain someone.

2. It's been almost a week since they first met. He must be feeling the evil aura from her to some extent by now.

Yeah. He was a middle school student. Just what could he involve himself in? Hence, it must be the latter. (ohoho, how smart is she now?)

"...it was cut under unforeseen circumstances." Filai deadpanned, and she succinctly took another small sip from her teacup. "Either way, I don't know for sure what's wrong with you today, but then again, I honestly don't care either. Please just concentrate on the matter at hand so I won't be wasting my time."

(Tsuna's inner thoughts: I'm gonna die. You're already wasting your time)

"Uh...yeah..." The poor boy stared downwards sadly, troubled...maybe. "But can I ask you something first, Filai san?"

"You just did. But whatever. Continue."

He shot her a grateful smile and she flinched ever so slightly. "I'm just wondering, how do you deal with really bad stuff in your life? Like, beforehand, if you know it's coming. How do you cope with it?"

Pause. "An interesting query." She mused. "If I must be perfectly honest..." Another pause. "I just let it happen. If I die, well shit. If I don't, who's giving a shit? I guess I should try and prevent it, but that takes too much time and energy and I don't like to expend either of those, so it's much more convenient to wait for the outcome without doing anything and just suffer or reap the results."

Silence.

"Did that help?"

(Tsuna's inner thoughts: What kind of person is she?) The brown haired boy nodded furiously, smiling in a rather awkward sort of manner. "Y...yeah! I get it, really! Um, that...that's great...yeah."

Filai rolled her eyes disinterestedly and scoffed. "If you don't like it, you can just say so. I'm not gonna care much, you know? I mean, you ARE just an insignificant and remarkably idiotic middle school student who is probably destined to be a leech on the Japanese society...also who I probably will never see or contact again after I return to Europe after all this bullshit business of mine is over. So it's not like your opinion actually MATTERS to me."

Yeah, she's a bitch.

She clapped him on the shoulder. "So don't let it get to you. Just remember that nobody cares enough about you to warrant wasting what little brain cells you have by watching out for your words. So please do yourself a favor and _don't bother._"

Tsuna hung his head.

Really, it's just bad mood speaking here. But he didn't need to know that.

* * *

**Evening, Varia's Hotel Residence**

"You're not going to the match." Xanxus told her upon her return.

His green haired, distinctly female subordinate looked only slightly disappointed. Which, translated into the average person's expression that _is_ unmitigated by a psychological disability to work facial muscles more than half a millimeter, could possibly be Filai's version of complete devastation. "...why?" _Is this abuse I see? _

Bel happily jumped in front of her, with his silly grin and sparkly tiara that was not nearly as sight wrecking as those happy smiles that Tsunayoshi always tortures her with whenever he gets a problem right on his homework. "Ushishishishi. It's because you're an eyesore." He proclaimed delightedly, roughly ruffling her hair and causing more strands to fall out. Why did everyone do that? She was _older _than the blasted prince, for goodness sakes (not to mention taller)! "We don't want to be seen with you!"

"Huh?" _You're saying I'm. _Pause. _I'm not pretty? _

"It's not that." Squalo muttered.

"Ooh! Are you saying that Filai is NOT an eyesore? Ushishishi! I sense an implication!" Prince crowed. "You've got shitter tastes than I thought, shark face."

Oh, so Bel thought she was ugly? Hm, was she that bad? Maybe it was the hair. "VOI! THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!" He snapped back immediately. "I'm just saying that she looks so pathetic that we don't want those stupid brats to get the idea that our squad is filled with retarded little weaklings like her! It ruins our damn image!"

So basically she was so unsightly that her colleagues were too embarrassed to be seen in public with her? Wasn't that just a tad bit mean?

Well, it doesn't matter, of course! Their opinions are a tad bit more important than that of Tsunayoshi's, but not by much. She was used to this kind of treatment and she's fine with it! She will deal with it with dignity and pride and...

So Filai was now crouching in a corner and looking rather down. "I'm an eyesore...I see." Pause. _Eyesore..._

"We're leaving, Fifi!" Lussuria called shrilly, and blew some gay kiss at her and Xanxus, who apparently wasn't going as well because he was too awesome for the undeserving brats to lay their eyes on a second time and Filai was the exact opposite in that regard-

"...eyesore, huh? I never realized..."

Filai really should remember. Words never do damage if appropriately ignored.

_So that's why my mirror had a big crack on the surface the first time I looked in it. I didn't know it was my fault. If I did, I wouldn't have sued the company and sent it into bankruptcy. _

Okay, yeah, it'll hurt her. Never mind.

And now she was alone with Xanxus. Oh, the joys of the world terribly mistaken for life shortening horrors.

And predictably, he treated her like she was one and the same with the filth and dirt that so insolently caked the bottom of his shoe, and the Varia's utterly evil boss continued to practically inhale bottles of beer, one after another, at alarming rates and just how the hell did this guy still avoid liver cancer and alcohol poisoning? Seriously.

Filai despondently looked up at him. "Xanxus, am I ugly?"

"If you were, I would've kicked you out of the room by now." He said curtly. Then, probably because she kind of brightened up at that. "But that doesn't mean you're decent looking. You still look like shit."

She hung her head. The depressing mood immediately worsened.

More awkward silence.

"I love you Xanxus."

And he promptly spat out his beer.

"Just kidding."

And he promptly threw the bottle into her head. _Ow, FUCK. Was that really called for, damn it? _"Anyways, you do have to get married at some point, you know?" Filai offered. "Unless you're planning on ending the Vongola family with your possibly evil and unfair and completely tyrannical rule?" _Nice way of wrapping up noble, generations old Mafia families, isn't it? I'm loving the idea. _

He snorted. "You don't have to fucking get married to have a kid." Not that he wanted one, the snotty nosed brats. But she had a point, annoying as it was.

Filai bemusedly pondered the alternatives. "You mean artificial insemination?"

"DON'T BRING BIOLOGY INTO ALL YOUR DAMN CONVERSATIONS!"

"It was just a suggestion." She said defensively, backing away at the sight of Xanxus' slowly glowing hand. "Well in any case, if you ever do have a child, and you don't like the gender, don't get mad at the girl." _Since the female definitely gives the child an X chromosome, it's up to the male to give an X or Y chromosome to determine the ultimate gender, so it's all your fault in the end._

"..."

For your dubious information, this'll probably be the closest thing to a talk concerning his love life (or lack of; since it didn't exist in the first place) that Xanxus will ever have.

"I still think you should get married. It'd be a waste if you didn't, since you're not that bad looking"_ If you ignore the evil murderous glare that you tend to put on. "_You can be like King Henry the VIII if you want to."

"How the fuck is that even relevant?"

_He killed a bunch of his wives. _

Xanxus' eyes narrowed into a most dangerous, life shortening glare. "Oh, that's it." He hissed venomously, guns flashing in his hands. "You've done it now."

Filai paled considerably. _Um, I love you, Xanxus. Now, put that gun away please. Oh SHIT. _

Yes. Closest thing to a talk concerning his life INDEED. And the sad thing was, it wasn't close at all.

* * *

**Sometime around midnight**

So Lussuria lost.

As in, he LOST. TO A MIDDLE SCHOOL STUDENT. A JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT WHO IS ONLY FIFTEEN YEARS OLD AND PROBABLY ONLY WENT THROUGH THREE LIFE THREATENING EXPERIENCES AT MOST AND DID NOT GET PAID TO PAWN PEOPLE INTO THE ROYAL PITS OF OBLIVION. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Filai was, to a certain extent, a pacifist. Mainly due to her own physical lacking, but that's not the point. So, let's just say, she didn't particularly find amusement and enjoyment and anything remotely positive in the sight of Gola Moska carrying a 90% dead body like a sack of flour while filling the whole room with some bloody stench and that was just-

Well, okay, maybe she did (sadism was a prerequisite when part of an elite assassination squad). But not Lussuria, of all people, because for one thing she did not want to be the sole person in charge of cooking for a batch of homicidal lunatics. For another, well, there was nothing wrong with being less of an utter bitch than the rest of her colleagues, alright? Shut up.

"Um, is he alright?" _Is he DEAD?_

Bel peered curiously at Lussuria's highly jacked up body, wrinkling his nose a bit. "Ushishishi, I think so." He reported happily, flouncing away from the spectacle. "I mean, the pervert did get shot a gazillion times in the back by Gola Mosca. He's supposed to die."

She took a step backwards. "I think I'm going to call the hospital." She muttered. "Uh, I just have to dial 911 or something, right? Oh wait, that's America's emergency number. Strange, why would I know that? I've never been to America." Frown. "Anyways, I'm gonna go look for a phone directory."

"If we wanted to save him, we would have." Marmon suddenly supplied, floating precariously near her shoulder. "Don't waste your time, Filai. He's good as dead by now."

Filai didn't answer.

By then, the rest of the Varia had left for their rooms by now and all was empty and silent except for Gola Moska's heavy inhaling (was this thing on drugs or something?)

Filai clicked her tongue in irritation, crossing her arms. _They've been coworkers almost a decade now. Can't they at least be a little sad? _

No, obviously not.

So her choice at the moment was call the freaking hospital and receive probable repercussions and jeering from her living and totally killer able colleagues, or leave Lussuria alone and move on with life.

Pause.

Why was it her cell phone had zilch reception at the moment?

All the while, Filai was wondering just what the hell she was going to say to the doctors should she succeed in her noble quest to save the explicitly behaved gaylord of all gaylords from the clutches of hell because there was no way under any circumstances that heaven was gonna let this guy in .

You see, she's never had to call the hospital before. Xanxus and all them? They don't NEED to be sent the hospital. They never HAVE been sent to the hospital, and chances are, they never WILL be sent to the hospital. They're the freaking Varia and they're good at the shit they do. Without suffering noteworthy injuries.

Herself being already a bit of a sociopath, Filai just could not think of a good explanation for Lussuria's condition without arousing considerable suspicion because, I mean, here's an example of a possible excuse that she came up with.

"Hello? Yes, I'm calling from XXXXX street and XXXXX road and whatever at address XXXX. There is currently one injured male in my presence and he's kinda got a bunch of bullets in his back and there's tons of blood that's stinking up the place, so you might want to get here quickly. Oh you want to know why he's in this state? Well, he was fighting a middle school student in a death match for a crudy little ring half and, well, he was beaten. So it seems a gigantic lump of metal shot him near dead. I think he's breathing. And if he gets a little horny on the doctor (if said doctor is male, of course), don't mind that because that just means he's getting better. Alright, thanks."

Yeah no. Not an option. Even though that was more the truth than an excuse, but you get my point.

(another example: He was participating in a sumo wrestling/boxing hybrid match. It's a real secret sport, you know. All hush hush. So of course you've never heard of it.)

You know, there wasn't actually any sentiment involved here. Again stated, Filai wasn't bad. She's just been under the influence of assassins for half her life; it does wonders to one's morals.

Still no connection. Oh wait, that wasn't the problem. Her phone was just dead.

She just charged the batteries too.

Okay, so life hated her.

Footsteps sounded. They stopped behind her, and Filai turned around only to find a cell phone benevolently shoved in her face.

She stared at the cell phone blankly. She looked up and found Squalo standing crossly in front of her. "What's this for?"

He glared sullenly, flicking hair behind his shoulder as he crossed his arms. "Voi, don't give me that stupid look. Now just get your business done with and go to sleep." He demanded imperiously, though not without some degree of embarrassment in his voice. Must not be used to behaving like he had a conscience. He paused, and then yelled. "WELL?"

Filai was startled out of her disbelieving staring. "Right! Right...uh..." Squalo threw a phone book at her too. "Oh, thanks. I think you dislocated my shoulder though...Ouch. Eh, never mind. It's alright now." _You could have just handed it to me, you know? You're standing two feet away from me._

"Well you and your fucking brain waves can go suck it." He fumed nastily.

Five seconds later, a receptionist's voice flitted through the phone. "This is Namimori Hospital. How may I help you?"

Silence. Filai blinked. "Uh..." More silence. How do you formulate words again?

The receptionist was insistent. "Hello, Ma'am? Are you still there?"

Squalo mouthed something to her. 'Talk, you fucking idiot'.

"Ri...right. Um..." She gulped. Again, sociopath. "There's...an injured guy here...at XXXX address. And...he's kinda losing a lot of blood. So..."

"Understood." The receptionist said immediately. "We will dispatch an ambulance to your location immediately. Please stop the bleeding as best as you could. It'll take approximately five minutes at the least."

Filai blinked again. "Eh? That's it?"

"Pardon me, Ma'am?"

"No questioning? No freakish interrogation as to while we have someone bleeding to death in our presence? You aren't gonna go all detective on me and try to land me in the town jail, are you?"

A laugh, crinkly through the receiver. "We are a hospital." The receptionist said kindly. "We save lives regardless of circumstances. Good night." And the line was cut off.

The silence really was getting old. "I like her." Filai said in awe. "I'm ALWAYS going to call the hospital next time." She's been hanging out with bloodthirsty Mafioso for so long that she had almost forgotten what normal people were like.

"Voi! Like fuck you will." Squalo screeched angrily. "That's MY phone bill you're using!"

She stared at it, and shrugged sheepishly before handing it back to him. He swiped it and jammed it back in his pocket, mumbling a variety of profane language. "Right, sorry about that." _Ehehe. _"But I didn't know you could be so considerate, Squalo. I'm touched."

"Well you learn something new every fucking day, do you?" He snapped and do you know how obvious it was that he was in denial? It was OBVIOUS. All caps.

Filai either did not notice or ignored it. "I think it's good that you show such compassion to Lussuria despite him acting quite obscene half his waking time." Okay, yeah. She didn't notice it.

Here, Squalo choked on thin air. He had a habit of doing that, and she must say, that really wasn't healthy. "VOII! ARE YOU A FUCKING IDIOT?"

"I think you've established that already, plenty of times. Thanks."

He sputtered something unintelligible. Then let out a tortured groan. "Look. I didn't do it for that stupid perver-" He glared. "OH TO HELL WITH THIS! JUST DON'T CRY LIKE A STUPID BRAT!"

Filai blinked, startled. "I'm not crying."

"YOU'RE FUCKING CRYING!" He screeched, sword flashing in the dim light as he waved it around in redundant emphasis. "YOUR EYES ARE RED!"

There was a mirror right next to her. She looked in it. "No they're not."

"YES YOU ARE, YOU GOD DAMN BITCH! YOU'RE CRYING! SO SHUT THE HELL UP AND ACCEPT THE FACT THAT YOU'RE CRYING!"

She really wasn't crying. Filai raised an eyebrow, and sighed. Might've smiled if she remembered how."Well, I don't know what's wrong with you, but thanks anyways. I guess you're not that bad of a guy after all."

Here, Squalo's face turned an uncomfortably deep shade of red. And he proceeded to breaking many things and furiously storming out of the room. "GO TO HELL!"

"Wha...?"_ Jeez, and I said thanks too. Rude bastard. _

She dropped down on a couch, and, with little other things to do, decided to wait for the ambulance. "Well, if all goes well and Lussuria survives, I won't have to be the one who take over the household duties." _I hate doing the laundry. _

I swear to god. She WAS doing this out of the kindness of her heart.

* * *

The bit with Xanxus' love life just came to me randomly. I'm sorry if it disturbed any of you. T_T I appreciate you people reading this! I really do! And if I never respond to you or your reviews, it's because I didn't know we were supposed to...are we supposed to? Cause if we are, then shit...that's...not good. ARGS! WHATEVER! IF YOU HAVE QUESTIONS, PM ME! I HOPE YOU ENJOYED!

(goes off to get shot)


	5. Chapter 4

**A/N: **Let's see...anything to mention. Oh yeah, THIS PERSON OVER HERE- SimplyxSaki. She beta read this ENTIRE piece of junk for me, fighting through the horrors of shitty grammar and somewhat twistedly crappy humor! Then again, for the latter, you all are doing so. BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT! BE THANKFUL FOR HER! NOW YOU WON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH BAD GRAMMAR BASED SEIZURES!

Sorry for slow update again. I'm busy. And lazy. The ultimate crappy combo that makes life that much crappier.

* * *

**Chapter 4**

Filai's dinner usually consisted of a can of chicken soup and some crackers. Maybe some almonds if she really felt like it, and rarely, it was accompanied by a glass of milk, which she heard was supposed to strengthen bones and prevent them from being broken all the time, but it doesn't seem to be having any sort of effect on her at all. Which was discouraging.

In sharp contrast, Xanxus' dinner usually consisted of half a cow's worth of beef...and beer/wine/some form of alcohol, as well as an assortment of other goodies loaded with calories and fat and cholesterol and all sorts of nasty things that generally condemns one to a miserable future of diabetes, cancer, early death, etc.

(Interestingly enough, Xanxus seems to be a lot healthier than Filai. Sure, Filai never got a lot of exercise throughout her lifetime, and she had been failing physical education back in school for five years straight. But if you think about Xanxus' rather lethargic habits of bringing an armchair wherever he went, he didn't have that much daily exercise either).

Belphagor's diet consisted mainly of candy and cakes. Very rarely did he consume any form of decent food, because the only one who can make him do so is their lovely, short-tempered, disinterested boss who honestly couldn't care less if his subordinates died of health issues that sugar overload tends to bring.

Squalo, well...

Levi wasn't nearly as picky as his fellow lunatics. As long as it didn't have a combination of black and red in it (which he claimed reminded him of Xanxus, and do you know how creepy that notion is?), he'll take it. Maybe that's why Lussuria always liked cooking for him.

Speaking of Lussuria. Well, he doesn't really matter anymore, considering the fact that he'll have to make do with hospital food for the next few months or so.

Filai stared blankly at the list. _You know, I can't really cook any of this. _

"Cake?" Bel piped up hopefully, peering at her from behind the kitchen counter.

"I've never baked a cake in my life before, you know." _I wasn't brought up as a housewife, unlike someone who's currently in the intensive care unit in the hospital because nobody gives a crap about what happens to him._

"Shishishi, you really know how to hold a grudge, don't you?"

_Bel, do you see this butcher knife? DO YOU SEE IT?_

Bel fidgeted, and then frowned. "You don't seem to mind cooking for Gola Moska." He pointed out, and then flashed her yet another brilliant grin. "Do you by any chance have a soft spot for him...err...it?"

"It's a robot." She stated dryly, holding up a giant jug of gasoline._ I can't believe you seriously just implied that._ "By the way, can you do me a favor and take that bucket of dead fish up to Squalo's room?"

Silence. Slowly, the prince glanced at said bucket. And turned a little pale. His grin wavered ever so slightly. "You're kidding."

_It was in Lussuria's instructions, so shut up and take it. It's starting to stink up the room._

"I did NOT need to know that...what the...is that still moving?"

Filai coughed and shooed him off with the trusty aid of a butcher knife.

* * *

**Night**

She wasn't too worried today. Mostly because the opponent was rumored to be a five-year-old, and paranoia only goes so far, but also because she was a bit annoyed that Levi had attacked her for accidentally burning some of his meat and attempting to cover it up with a bit of ketchup.

Plus, when one glances out of the window, he (or she, if anti sexists insists) would find that a spectacular storm was going on outside. So when Filai was once again banned from attending the match, she kept her complaints to a minimum.

Speaking of Marmon...(even though he wasn't even mentioned prior to this sentence, but oh well)

"You're not taking an umbrella?" She handed the infant a miniature umbrella, which was so cute. It was yellow, with little brown strips and Pikachu ears sticking up from the top and a little lightning shaped tail dangling cheerfully from the-

The stare she got from him was positively withering. And she couldn't even SEE his eyes.

"What? It was on sale at the store." She supplied defensively.

(Squalo was dutifully ignored. If one bothered to give a fuck or two, they would have noticed that he looked a little sad)

(But then again, this was before he realized that Marmon was given a Pokemon umbrella, so it was all irrelevant and in the past).

For sanity's sake, I'm not even going to _mention _what went on between Xanxus and Filai during their rare moments together and alone.

Let's just say it wasn't very pleasant. It involved a blender, a video camera, and Youtube. Oh yeah, and did I mention the PS3 that got utterly destroyed and grinded into a very fine powder? Might have been Bel's or Squalo's. There was a hack and slash game disk in it, after all.

It made the front page too.

Perhaps that was why he decided to go attend the match fifteen minutes later rather than stay and wallow in the horrors of Filai's company.

_Well, YOU were the one who said I needed a hobby. So why're you complaining?_

**Five minutes after Xanxus left...**

They all came back. Filai looked up from her textbook. _Woah, that was fast. _

Miraculously enough, Levi was alive. A bit worse for a wear, but-

_You looked like you got owned by a five year old. Wow, even if you didn't get killed, that's still pretty sad, you know. I never thought that I was in the company of such thoroughly low-leveled samples of human be- _Filai ducked as an umbrella nearly skewered her head. It landed in the wall, quivering ominously. She looked behind her. "Alright." _Son. Of. A. BITCH. _She bent down and began rummaging through some things underneath her couch and pulled out a paint gun.

Levi stared. Glared. "You wouldn't dar-." The rest of his words were cut off as she managed to land a load of odd smelling paint right into his mouth. And most of his face. "THAT'S IT!" He sputtered angrily. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

Oddly enough, Filai remained relatively unfazed, and with an expression of some amusement, returned to her book. Levi was _going_ to charge at her...

And stopped. Or more accurately, froze.

A moment of silence.

That was when he kind of lost it. "ARGH! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" He pretty much shrieked in a rather undignified way, spitting out the weird red paint which turned out to be some sort of chili/salsa that was currently burning his tongue straight out of his mouth, by the looks of it.

"Youtube had recipes." Filai noted mildly when she caught the rest of co. staring incredulously at her. "Quite remarkable ones, too. Did you know that you could recreate the taste of wasabi by combining shampoo and red pepper?"

Meanwhile, Levi was currently attempting to extinguish his tongue. Or rip it out. Whatever works. There might have been some that had gone into his eyes too. Oh my.

"You're insane." Marmon declared.

_Aw shut up, you stupid little midget. You're enjoying this too._

"Muu." The infant bristled, but couldn't really deny the claim.

_So, where's that video camera?_

Bel held it up, waving and laughing happily. Xanxus had left to get some aspirin. Squalo stared oddly at the chili substance splattered everywhere and raked some up with his fingers before consuming it experimentally. He blinked, and said almost confusedly."It's not that bad."

Filai's eyes lit up. _Really? You like my cooking even though there are potentially poisonous substances and some of your shampoo in it? I love you, Squalo. You're so nice. _

That was when he gagged and spat it out. Whether it was the "potentially poisonous substance (and his shampoo)" or the "I love you" part that caused him to do so will forever remain unknown.

Ten seconds later and Squalo nearly succeeded in stabbing her eye out. "I HATE YOU!"

Or not.

(She's nowhere near the horror that is Bianchi though, so it all works out in the end)

* * *

**Next day, Sawada Tsunayoshi's House**

"So," Filai absentmindedly flipped through the pages of the standard Namimori science textbook, simplistic shit as it was. "We're moving on to the DNA structure today. The double helix model was discovered by James Watson and Francis Crick, and they kind of ripped off Rosalind Franklin's X-ray crystallography photos of DNA. She couldn't really complain either since she died of cancer. Too much exposure to radiation, you know?" Filai paused, and looked up, eyebrows arched. "Tsunayoshi?"

Tsuna's head shot up at the sound of his name. He laughed, embarrassed...as usual. "Oh, sorry. I was thinking about something else."

"Enlighten me again, Sawada Tsunayoshi."

Tsuna squeaked in alarm as Filai stared unnervingly at him, eyes narrowing. There was some sort of intense feeling around her, kind of like Mukuro's-ah, he thought of that again. Strange, they're nothing alike.

"Why am I wasting a perfectly good morning teaching a petty, useless brat such as yourself when I could be plotting world domination or doing something remarkably relevant with my time?"

Okay, maybe she is a bit like him after all.

"W-well, um...you know I'm currently...IN A SUMO/BOXING TOURNAMENT!"

Dead silence.

Filai stared steadily at the poor thing. And frowned. "That's utter bullshit, isn't it?"

Cheeks flushing improbably, Tsuna fought hard not to look away from his increasingly skeptical tutor. "E-eh? What makes you think that?"

"You'd be _dead _by now if you actually joined a competition like that. Probably some corpse rotting in the sewers with rats digging into your eyeballs while your mad, devoted friends go searching for you wherever the hell their useless little minds could take them."

He looked horrified by the images. "F-Filai san. T-That's just cruel."

"But I'm just stating the truth." She pointed out mildly, sipping from a cup of coffee. "Or do you want me to personally find out?"

Tsuna blinked oddly. "Um, how are you going to-"

"I believe I spy a sewer entrance just a few feet away from he-"

A high pitched squeak, and Tsuna scrambled away from her. "NO THANKS!"

* * *

**A/N: A bit of extra that I decided to put in because I'm a lazy asshole and the chapter's way too short.**

Haru's Haru Haru Dangerous Interview-With Filai! ...Oh great. This'll be good.

Haru: Hai! It's what everyone has been waiting for! Haru's Haru Haru Dangerous Interviews! Today's special guest is...eto...how do you say her name...?

Reborn: Isn't it a bit rude not even knowing how to pronounce the guest's name? It's Filia

Haru: Hahi! That's true, isn't it? So complex! I must get better at pronouncing Italian names! Maybe I could sign up for some Italian language classes?

Filai: *shows up* It's fine. I don't really care.

Reborn: Actually, that's a really easy name to pronounce.

Haru: Ah...hahi! Wait, is Filai san's name Filai or Filia?

Filai: It's Filia, but for some reason, Boss always calls me Filai and after the tenth time it just stuck. I don't really like it though, but when I said so, Boss threw a statue at me. So I can't really complain. Look, he even changed the name on my medical records and my driver's license.

Haru: I-is that so? That's terrible! You should go file a lawsuit for worker's rights!

Reborn: Xanxus is famous in the Mafia world for his abusive nature, after all.

Haru: Eek! How terrifying!

Filai: Really? I think Boss is...cute. Sometimes, at least. When he's not drunk.

Haru: I...I see you have unique definitions of the word "cute". Ahaha. Um, I heard that you're an academic genius! Is that true? Haru is so jealous, since I have to study all the time!

Filai: Not really. I study all the time as well.

Reborn: That's true, huh? They say you're hardly ever seen without a textbook.

Filai: ...I guess. Ah, what's stuck between my cover...*pulls out paper* Oh, it's my report card from last semester. I was looking for it. Want to see?

Haru: I bet it's full of top grades. *looks at it* E...eh...t...this is...

**Grades:**

Calculus: 0.00 percent

Biology: 124.99 percent (the teacher gives a lot of extra credit and test curves)

Italian: 0.00 percent

English: 0.00 percent

Japanese (elective class): 2.21 percent

P.E: -100.00 percent

Filai: I don't really do anything from other classes aside from science. So...

Haru: I...I didn't know it was possible to get a negative grade in P.E.

Filai: The teacher hated me.

Haru: E...eh...is that so...? Ano...moving on to other questions! Ahahahaha...Anyway! I have heard that you have a deep lovey dovey relationship with...uh...Super Bee Sukuaro?

Filai: Excuse me? *stares* Super Bee Squirrel?

Reborn: *sighs* You really can't read, huh? It's Superbia Squalo

Filai: Ah. That...thing... I wouldn't call it "deeply lovey dovey". _That sounds like some idiotic school girl's soap opera-based dreams. As if I'd date some sorry piece of yesterday's rotting garbage like him. *_evil aura_*_

Haru: Hahi! Where did that malicious voice come from right after Filai san spoke? That's rude! Show yourself! *jumps*

Filai: ...that was me...Don't ask.

Haru: Really? Well, anyways! Congratulations with your beautiful relationship with Super Bee Sukularo

Filai: Um...sure. But I'm not really in any relationship with that-_effing piece of dog shit._

Haru: Eh...that's not something that a girl should say to her lover.

Squalo:! I HEARD THAT, YOU STUPID WOMAN!

Filai: Hello, Squalo. _Oh wonderful. It's the transvestite. _

Squalo: DON'T CALL ME A TRANSVESTITE!

Filai: ...

Squalo: Geh...! VOI! DON'T DO THAT!

Haru: Hahi! Filai san smiled! How pretty!

Squalo: P...pretty? Y...you call that expression pretty? *twitches* She looks like a fucking lunatic. In fact, that's not even a smile! It's a neutral line! It's straight!

Haru: Haru heard from Tsuna san, but is it true that you never smile?

Filai: ...I just did (Squalo: THAT'S NOT A SMILE, YOU IDIOT!)

Haru: THAT'S TRUE! Could that mean, Tsuna san was lying to me? How terrible! He's taking advantage of my love for him! *starts to cry* How could you, Tsuna-san! Ne, Filai san! What would you do if you found out that Squalo san lied to you?

Filai: Look, little girl, just because the summary said "SqualoXOc", it doesn't mean anything's going to happen in the fourth chapter, you know? This isn't Twilight, you kno-

Haru: I know! You must make him prove his love to you! B...but! How would you do that?

Squalo: VOIIIII! DON'T START GIVING HER IDEAS! Geh! W...what are you doing with that thing?

Filai: ...hm...I know...*holds up chainsaw* Death.

Squalo: WH...WHA...? VOIIIIIIIIII! I DIDN'T AGREE TO THIS! AND DON'T USE THAT TONELESS VOICE FOR THIS KIND OF TOPIC! BESIDES! I THOUGHT YOU JUST SAID WE WEREN'T TOGETHER, DAMN IT!

Filai: What are you talking about, Squalo? We've been together for so long and now you deny it? How cruel of you. _It's called improvising. Fwahahahahaha_

Haru: Hahi! It's Filai's infamous evil laugh! This is the first time I'm heard it!

Squalo: VOI! GET AWAY FROM ME, WOMAN! DON'T POINT THAT THING AT ME! *runs off stage*

Filai: Please hold still.

Haru: *sniff* What a beautiful relationship they hold! I hope to share one just like them with Tsuna san!

(somewhere off view) Filai: Got you. *chainsaw sounds* *sounds of yelling and scuffling*

*dead silence*

* * *

**A/N:** FINISHED! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, PEOPLE? BWAHAHAHAHA! Anyways, yeah. I found out we are supposed to return reviews. So...SORRY IF I NEVER REPLIED! I NEVER KNEW! T_T (is shot)

Hm, there wasn't much of the actual story in this chapter, since I'm a lazy asshole-as previously mentioned, so I tossed in the interview at the end. Just for you people who were going to face palm when they saw the chapter ending so soon.

**Next chapter **(spoilers? Nah, just a mini preview):

(?): I'm going to bite you to death.

Filai: ...um...if you're hungry, there's a restaurant right behind you. Or do you not like sushi?

FEEDBACK IS APPRECIATED! BUT REGARDLESS OF THAT, YOU PEOPLE WHO MADE IT THIS FAR ARE ALL KIND PEOPLE AND I DON'T LOVE YOU ALL, BUT I'LL GET AS CLOSE TO IT AS A CONSCIENCE-LESS PERSON COULD! (gets shot. This is getting so old)


	6. Chapter 5

A/N: Yes, I realize I haven't updated in forever. I don't need reminding (is in shame, but oh well). HOWEVER, I present a very long chapter-for my standards- and on the plus side, I already finished things all the way up to before the Sky battle, so I think I'll update faster this time.

Disclaimer: I'm too lazy for anything fancy, so no, I don't own anything. But Filai, but who'd want her anyways?

* * *

**Chapter 5**

Upon his return from god knows fucking where (Dino had the peculiar habit of waiting until he was asleep and shipping him off to some obscure country far away from urban civilization, where the native inhabitants use toasters and wonder where the bread went when the toast popped out), Hibari Kyouya was just walking through the gates of Namimori Junior High school when he not quite literally ran into a peculiar foreign girl who was crouched in the corner of one place or another and flipping through the pages of a textbook and emitting a dark feeling so not unlike that of Mukuro Rokudo's that he immediately decided to go kill her just because he was still rather sore about the whole affair with Mukuro and after nearly a week without access to electricity, he wasn't in the best of moods.

(I mean, sure, he liked days of trouncing Dino into a bloody pulp and all, but what healthy teenager wouldn't be pissed after being deprived of the internet for more than half an hour?)

Before he could officially make up his mind, the girl looked up, glanced at him curiously, and said "You're sort of evil, aren't you?"

Slightly taken aback by the sheer bluntness of the statement, Hibari graced the fool with a deadpan stare. "People that aren't students or part of the school faculty are not allowed on school grounds without permission."

"Oh really?" She stood up, and he noticed with some irritation that she was at least two inches taller than him. "Tsunayoshi kun didn't tell me that. I'll possibly have to throw his head into a blender the next chance I get."

So she was an acquaintance of _that _little dipshit. That explained things.

The girl picked up her textbook and flipped to a certain section. "Boys' growth spurts come later than girls'." She told him, as if she could read his mind. "In fact, I think you happen to be just around that age now...give or take a few years. Too bad you're not a girl, or else you could wear high heels...Well, I guess you still can, if you're that desperate...You can just wear longer pants, so people can't see the heels or the soles of your shoes."

And of course, Hibari did not care, and obviously (in his mind) the best counter to this generous tidbit of biological information was something like "I'll bite you to death."

"That's good." She answered unexpectedly, with a thoughtful expression. "I haven't had lunch yet, and sometimes eating by yourself gets old too. You can eat with me."

"..............what?"

"Let's go eat sushi." She offered, pointing to an area behind him. "There's a restaurant right there. I'll pay for you too, since I'm older."

"I'm not hungry." Hibari replied, confused by the strange notion of eating out with an equally strange female.

Said female turned to him. "Well then, why did you say something like _I'll bite you to death_?" She asked, politely enough, though not without a just a modicum of sarcasm in her tone that sort of implied she thought he was an idiot.

A threat was meant to be taken the right way by its unfortunate receiver the moment it was uttered. Explaining it would sort of ruin both the point and the impact it was supposed to have and thus, the threatener (again, Microsoft says this isn't a word. I react by giving it the finger) really shouldn't waste his breath with something as utterly pointless as that. And this totally wasn't his fault. Threats don't work on idiots, after all.

(Note: The above lines were basically the excuse that Hibari formulated in his mind within the time span of two seconds, just because he's that smart, but in reality...well....explaining the "bite to death" thing was...sort of awkward, if you get my meaning. It's...kind of easy to take it the wrong way...)

So instead, "Never mind."

"I see." The girl suddenly said, somehow managing to brighten up without even smiling. "You're being modest, aren't you? As I thought, normal people are different after all. If only Bel or someone would be that nice...ah, that's wishful thinking, isn't it..." She muttered the last few words rather dejectedly. "Anyways, are you coming?"

....Well, he did like sushi.

*

Three things Filai noticed upon entering through the floppy entrance of the sushi establishment. It was sort of crowded, there were a lot of workers around, and it was owned by Yamamoto Takeshi's family.

The baseball kid did have a sharp eye. He caught sight of her the moment she stepped through the door. "Filai! It's great to see you here!" He called merrily, walking over to her and subsequently stopping dead as he spotted the rather bewildered and pissed looking boy behind her. "...and...Hibari...?" Side note: That name was spoken as if the world had just blown up.

Filai turned to the newly identified kid. "Ah, so that's your name. I should've asked earlier." She said straightforwardly. "It's cute."

Hibari glared sullenly and said nothing. Yamamoto laughed. "I didn't know you were friends with Filai. I thought she just came from Europe a week ago."

"I met him near your school ten minutes ago." Filai explained as she dropped down in a chair. "He was hungry, so I thought I'd bring him along."

"_I'm not hungry._" He hissed under his breath, clearly not pleased to be treated like a poor penniless waif dragged here on the charity of some crazy lady who was totally misunderstanding the basics of the situation.

"Now now, you don't have to be so unassuming. I have plenty of money on me, so it's not like you're going to run me bankrupt."

"Filai, I don't think Hibari's trying to..."

Filai flipped through the menu. "Do you have shark sushi, by any chance?" _I need some stress relief. _

*

Wasabi was her new favorite food. Thus, Hibari was dragged along to the nearest supermarket for an epic wasabi hunt.

He wasn't pleased. Filai was. The crowds always parted for her. They helped her find whatever the hell she was looking for. They even let her in front of the line. The people always seemed to look a little fearful, but she eventually dismissed it as a figment of her imagination. "Japanese people are so polite, aren't they, Hibari? I guess I didn't really need to bring you with me after all."

Hibari didn't know why he was bothering to resist eradicating her from existence. Was it the sushi? He decided that that must be it, for although he hated to admit it, the sushi had been pretty damn good.

All ended well and with Filai courteously buying him an oversized stuffed hedgehog, just for the heck of it (_Filai_: You have to admit, it sort of suits you _Hibari_: ...).

Hibari surprised himself when he passed by a trash can without throwing the cursed thing away.

When she returned to the hotel, the night's battle had already started. _Ah right, who was going today? Storm...oh Bel. _

Thelittle prick'll be fine. He's got cockroach level vitality on his side; the type of character in a manga who just won't die no matter freaking what happens to him....if he were in a manga, of course. Which he totally isn't.

Xanxus was in the drawing room, sitting his usual armchair next to the fire, doing and staring at nothing in particular. Lazy bastard.

"I'm back, Xanxus." Filai walked into the drawing room and swept a glance through the place, which was looking rather disheveled; if the legless chairs and cracked glasses and tables were indication of anything. "I guess there was a bit of a fuss before they left

"Bel had a cavity."

Oh. That wasn't pretty, she imagined. "I'll take him to the dentist tomorrow."

"More like the hospital." An infant voice spoke behind her.

Filai turned around to find Marmon elegantly floating past her. "You're back already? I thought it'd go on longer."

"There was a time limit to the fight today."

"Was there now? Interesting." She spotted a bloodied up body being carried like a sack by Gola Mosca. "Wha...I thought I told Bel to leave his toys outside if he wants to bring them back." _Can't the stupid bastard just follow the damn rules for once in his spoiled little life?!_

"That IS Bel." Levi generously informed her.

She took another good look at the thing, and spotted the glint of a tiara peeking out from messy red stained hair. "Oh."

Then.

_Oh my fucking god. CALL THE SALVATION ARMY!!!_

"I think you mean the hospital."

"SHUT UP! I WANT THE SALVATION ARMY! XANXUS! BEL'S DEAD! AND HE WAS SO YOUNG! HE DIDN'T EVEN GET HIS DRIVER'S LICENSE YET!"

"He's not fucking dead." Xanxus spat out in frustration, eyes narrowing in displeasure at the show of hysteria. "I can tell from twenty feet away that's he's breathing."

"I don't think she's listening to you, Boss." Marmon humbly told him as he watched Filai wrap up Bel up with a roll of bandages. The baby shook his head. "Women." And immediately blanched as a first aid kit was hurled at him, courtesy of a remote controlled Gola Mosca.

*

That night, Squalo found a cake sitting on his bed and thought something along the lines of _What the fuck._

Next Day

Luckily enough, Bel's injuries, although countless (literally, since there were quite a bit on the upper areas of his legs and there was no way in hell she was going to count those), were relatively superficial. He had a few broken bones here and there, but the rest were just cuts and bruises. Filai managed to patch him up without resorting to the hospital. OR the salvation army, for that matter.

"I _thought _you were a genius." A very not amused Filai groused, tying up his arm just a bit tighter than necessary (he flinched). "And you get owed by a middle schooler."

"Shishishi, I didn't get owned." Bel proclaimed smugly, probably thinking about how clever his little mind was. "I NEARLY got owned, but I didn't, because I'm a prince. Shishishishishi."

"As if that's anything to be proud of." She slapped a bandage on his cheek. "There we go. I think that there's a few more left....Honesty, how DID you get so messed up anyways? You look like you were caught up in an explosion."

Bel shot her another wide grin. "I was. A whole bunch of them."

Filai began pulling out more bandages from the medicine kit. "Really now. Middle school kids carry dynamite with them these days?" She said. "You know, I've been out of middle school for a little more than three years now and I'm sure things here are a little different from Italy, but..."

"But what?"

"Um, I don't think they're THAT different." _Honestly, you expect me to believe that middle school kids in Japan carry bombs with them? I don't know how stupid you think I am, but isn't that going a LITTLE OVERBOARD, YOU BASTARD?! WHAT DO YOU THINK MY IQ IS? NEGATIVE 200?!_

"Nope. How about negative 500." The prince suggested charmingly.

A brief pause.

Filai took a roll of duct tape out and cut off a piece before sticking it over a yet to be tended and rather deep looking cut. Bel looked at her questioningly. With a quick, fluid motion, she ripped it off.

The reaction...It was beautiful. Practically a masterpiece unto itself. She didn't need that weird Fuuta kid's rankings to know that Squalo totally just got ousted from his position as #1 Loudest Mafioso_._

_Payback's a bitch, Bitch._

*

Outside the room, Squalo and Marmon peered through the smallest crack _ever _known to mankind. "I think that girl's using her intelligence in the wrong categories." The latter stated, rubbing his ears painfully. "Wouldn't you say so, Squalo?" Upon receiving no reply, the infant looked up. "Something wrong?"

Squalo miserably looked on. "She never bandaged ME when I get a royal fuckage like that." He muttered, very immaturely.

"You never were hurt that badly in the first place."

He suddenly looked thoughtful. "That's true." He glanced down hopefully at Marmon. "You think she will if I stab myself in the guts?"

"No." Marmon immediately answered. "You don't fit her definition of cute, so she probably doesn't like you."

Squalo was much saddened by the words. He did what all good Mafioso did and expressed his hurt feelings via unwarranted violence; AKA shoving the tip of his sword in the pipsqueak fool's general direction.

In order to calm her nerves, Filai decided to go out for a cup of coffee, seeing how caffeine was a most magical phenomenon and was sort of addicting if consumed often.

She had successfully settled into the cozy corner of a quaint little café in town, sipping a most lovely cup of coffee quipped with plenty of sugar and milk, when Yamamoto Takeshi and all his stupidity masked as dimwitted cheerfulness magically appeared next to her table. She glanced at him. "...."

Yamamoto positively beamed. "I didn't expect you to be here, Filai." He grinned widely, and Filai wondered how the hell the little douche could muster up enough energy to keep smiling like that. Doesn't his face HURT? The law of gravity doesn't exist to be defied. "Mind if I take a seat?"

"Oh, you want to spend time with an old decrepit lady like me?" She said, deadpan, resting her head on her palm and staring at him flatly. "I'm sure there's _someone _who wants to see your (_ugly mug) _cute face."

"Nah. My friends and I are busy with some of our own stuff these days." He said enthusiastically, holding up a chilled bottle of soda. "I was just training a while ago, so I thought I'd take a little break and get a drink here. Big coincidence that I met you, huh? You alone?"

"Nope. I'm spending some quality time with my imaginary friend, Bob." _Obviously I'm by myself. Are you batshit blind or something? Do you SEE anybody in the vacant spot you just took? I didn't think so._

Yamamoto's eyes widened and he suddenly lurched up, expression apologetic. "S...sorry! I didn't know that I was...er..." He quickly glanced at the empty seat. "...sitting on your imaginary friend. I didn't realize. I really am sorry!"

"....I was being....sarcastic." ..._to a creature with an underdeveloped brain. I believe I just wasted my breath._

The poor thing considered it for a moment, before his mouth formed a small "O". He sort of flushed, scratching his head in an embarrassed manner. "Haha...I didn't recognize that." Nevertheless, he was smiling wider than ever. Filai shuddered at the sheer sweetness of it. "You're always talking in such a toneless voice. No offense. But it's kind of hard to tell when you're joking and when you're serious, since...well, you always sound serious."

"Sarcasm isn't joking." Filai corrected, absentmindedly swirling her coffee with her little spoon and vaguely imagining the possibility of throwing her companion into a tub of water. Along with an electric power source. Maybe a microwave. "It's a subdivision of the art of rhetoric."

It was almost cute, how he was looking so stupidly clueless. "Um. Okay." And happy. Why DID the little monster look so fucking cheerful? The sheer brilliance of the bright aura emitting from the baseball kid was appalling to her poor eyesight. She could feel her own evilness being corrupted and thus felt very dejected.

"So what'cha doing here?"

"Just thinking about some things, I guess."

A mild pause. "Um, was that supposed to be...sarcastic?" Yamamoto asked, innocently enough.

Filai face palmed.

*

She returned a little later than she would have liked. The sun was already setting in the horizon when she stepped into the hotel lobby, internally cursing the existence of Yamamoto Takeshi and his inability to understand the simplest concepts of life. What kind of deprived soul in this world didn't know what a hypothalamus is? It's a PART OF HIS BRAIN!

Squalo was slouching on a couch, moodily glaring at the fireplace. He smelled like beer.

"Did Xanxus trash you with his drink again?" She remarked, sitting down next to him to take a good look. Sure enough, his hair was drenched, with small shards of glass tangled in it that glittered and sparkled every time he moved his head.

"Voi, don't you have anything better to do, you piece of shit?" He demanded, shooting her a very nasty look.

Filai replied that she obviously did not, otherwise she wouldn't be wasting what little life she had talking to someone as intellectually lacking as him, and had a vase thrown at her. It shattered noisily against the wall and she glanced behind her shoulder. "I'm...not cleaning that up."

"Like hell I'm doing it."

"Well, it IS your fault." She supplied tentatively.

"Fuck no! You're the one who dodged it!"

"Are you saying I should have let it hit me? What if I threw that vase at you? You would've dodged it too!"

Squalo's mouth formed into a nasty smirk. "You can't even throw that far, so why would I bother?"

Filai scowled, brows scrunching together in immature frustration. There was too much truth in that statement for her liking. "Well...I suppose so. But that's still your fault! It has your fingerprints on it...oh wait." She glanced at his hands, while Squalo continued being triumphant, much to her chagrin. "You used your artificial hand, didn't you?" If it had been any other person, Filai would've assumed that he had intended to do so. But it was Squalo, which automatically rendered it a convenient accident, since the guy couldn't plan ahead two seconds to save his life.

At least, she HOPED it was an accident, since in the event that it wasn't, then it meant that she just got outwitted by a shark. And an exceptionally stupid one at that.

"You know, I've known you ever since you cut your hand off and I don't think I've actually _seen _your fake hand before." Filai suddenly said. "You're always wearing a glove over it."

"Huh? Oh, yeah." Squalo casually glanced at said left hand. "Got a problem with it?"

Filai crossed her arms, ever present frown deepening slightly. "Yes. I just so happen to. Why won't you let me see it? It doesn't look all ugly and deformed, does it?"

"Voii! Why do I have to show a piece of shit like you?!" He yelled, painfully smacking her hand away. "And it's made of fucking metal! How the hell is it supposed to be deformed!?"

Filai ignored that last point. "Well it's not fair. You got to see the both of my hands."

"Bullshit. There's nothing worth looking about those trash you call hands in the first place, god damn it!" He shot back furiously, head her on the side of the head.

And Filai nicely stated, "Touchy."

"DON'T CALL ME TOUCHY!"

Something heavy was hurled in her direction. She didn't actually have to dodge it, since she didn't think Squalo would actually kill her (on purpose). But just to be on the safe side, she ducked. "Then why else wouldn't you show me? Did you order special metal for it? Is it spray painted pink? Do you have some random porn star's signature on it? Or did you draw doodles of hearts and sparkles and sheep on it?"

Squalo stared at her for a moment. "Sheep?" He repeated in disbelief, subconsciously tugging on his glove. "Where the hell did sheep come from?"

"Ah, well...I like sheep." Filai shrugged awkwardly. "They're cute."

It took the longest of times for him to process the fact that Filai had found sheep, a perfectly normal and cute animal...well...cute. So the freak did have a girlish side to her after all, he was thinking wistfully, when Filai added. "I especially find it adorable when they're cut into multiple pieces with their organs dangling out of them and their fleece being doused with their own blood."

Never mind.

"You're impossible, aren't you?" Filai finally withdrew, unhappily sitting back down in her own seat and still looking sadly at his hand. "I just wanted to see what was underneath your left glove. It's not like I asked you to strip your clothes off, so what's your problem?"

He might've choked at that last sentence, but for the sake of his dignity, let's pretend it wasn't so. "It's a metal hand." Squalo finally insisted. "Why are you obsessing over a _hand?_"

"Because it's a part of you. And I love you." Was her unhesitant reply, as if it he had asked the dumbest question ever formulated by a human brain.

Silence.

_Loud thud._

Filai continued. "Because we've known each other since forever and of course, I love you just like how I love Xanxus and Lussuria and Marmon and Be...um...hello? Squalo? Oh come now, you know it's rude to fall asleep when other people are talking to you. Are you implying that I'm boring? Am I uninteresting to the point where you'd just go to sleep? I'm not that bad." Pause. "R...right?"

When Marmon went to fetch Squalo, he noticed Filai sulking in a corner. "What's wrong with you now?"

To which she replied miserably. "....." _Squalo thinks I'm boring. I hate him, the stupid prick. I'm not boring. He's boring! Yes, he's the boring one! So of course boring people can't appreciate non boring people, so I'm not boring, damn it! ...........It's not my fault...._She sighed and despondently buried her head in her knees.

_......today's a bad day. _

* * *

Done. For some reason, every time I read the Varia arc, I grow fonder and fonder of Dino. Of course, I still love Squalo the most. By the way, is anyone else super happy that he's alive and...well, not really well, but close enough? Oh ho ho ho (gets killed). I was so relieved, I was about to cry. Almost.


	7. Chapter 6

**A/N: **Yeah, I update slow. And I fail. No need to more. T_T And, thank Ephemeral Muse for beta. Now you don't have to torture yourself witih grammar mistakes. :D

I tried to make Filai semi normal. She turned psychotic on me again.

* * *

**Chapter 6**

Gone. Everyone was gone.

_I can't believe even Xanxus went to Squalo's match, _Filai mused, _I guess he really does like him....even though he abuses him all the time. Then again, he does that to everyone. So maybe Xanxus secretly likes everyone but is too embarrassed to admit it...? _Pause. _Pft. Yeah right._

She flipped absentmindedly through her textbook, staring at the lovely pictures of frogs and bugs and deer being eaten and getting their life energy sucked out by miscellaneous predators and whatnot (_damn, _that snake's got a big mouth).

Maybe it was a little late to start doing so, but Filai was sort of beginning to wonder just who the hell these super middle school kids that they were dealing with were. The Varia WAS made of professional assassins. In fact, not only that, but really really scary ones too. What was that term named after them? Varia quantity or something? She didn't really know how that made sense, but whatever.

_They're probably genetically modified cyborgs disguised as school children or something. _She thought dryly. _Or maybe those creepy brainwashed kids that were taught to kill people at age zero and a half. _In any case, they couldn't be normal kids.

A sudden thought came to her. _What if it turned out to be those middle schoolers that I met? Like Tsunayoshi and Gokudera and co. _She rolled her eyes, shaking her head. _What am I thinking? Tsunayoshi? Hah. He'd get his ass kicked in ten seconds. But who'd he go up against? Oh yeah, he can fight Xanxus. That'll be epic. He'll be reduced to burnt tuna by the time Xanxus is through with him._

_Who would be with Lussuria...I know, how about that hyperactive yelling kid? What's his name....begins with a R...or was is an F? Meh, either way they'd be the perfect fit. For some reason, I have a vague feeling that he'd suit Lussuria's tastes anyways._

_And...Levi can be with...who can Levi be with. _A cow suddenly appeared in her head. Dimly, Filai recalled Tsuna fussing over a small infant with cow horns stuck in a bushy black perm. He had been a whiny little thing, if she recalled correctly. _...Lambo...was it? For some reason, that seems absolutely perfect. Levi can go up against a five year old. He'd totally pull some dramatic moves just for the hell of it. Should've been a fucking actor._

Alright, the match ups were getting ridiculous now, but who cares? She was having too much fun thinking about this shit.

_Bel could be with Gokudera. They're totally polar opposites. It'd be the ultimate showdown. Except I think Bel would slice the poor kid into pieces before he manages to do anything. Gokudera would be so pissed...except he can't, huh....since he'd be reduced to a pile of meat by then._

_And what about Squalo...._Filai thought for a moment, shifting through her memories of all the little crazies she's met ever since arriving into Japan. _Hm....what about that ranking kid? No, that wouldn't work. Um...._It hit her. _Yamamoto!!!! He and Squalo are both at the pinnacle of stupidity, so of course they'd be suited for each other! Why didn't I think of this earlier?_

Marmon would be with a girl. Enough said.

All that was left was herself. Though it would be best if she didn't fight; normal kids were one thing (and already beyond her level). Super cyborg killing machine androids were quite another. Filai thought carefully about it. _Uh....I remember that kid with the boomerang....Basil, was it? No, it might not be him. How about that little Chinese infant? Though I doubt they'd have two babies in their team. Wait....HIBARI!_

Yes, Hibari was just the guy she was thinking for. _Although I'd never want to hurt him. He's so sweet and adorable. But of course, if I had to, I would, since Xanxus is still cuter, so I wouldn't want him upset. But there are tens of thousands of people living in this city, so what are the chances of me having to fight Hibari?_

Yup. What are the chances...

*

It was later than usual when they returned. Everyone seemed to be in high spirits. Or at least, they looked very amused about something. Filai looked at them questioningly. "Did something good happen?" She asked.

"Something completely amazing!" sang Bel, who was grinning wider than usual. "Never would've expected it! But it happened and it was awesome! Shishishishi."

"...alright. But...what?"

For some reason, Marmon floated by and reached out with a tiny tentacle (which was really creepy), patting her on the shoulder. "Something you probably wouldn't take well." He replied simply, shaking his hooded head before adding. "But I have to agree with Bel. It was pretty funny. A pity the shark finished things off before we could enjoy it though."

"Um...when you say shark, are you talking about Squalo? Wait, don't tell me you killed off all your opponents." _Oh come fucking on! Even if they ARE killer robots, it doesn't mean they don't have hearts either!!! YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO KILL THEM!!!_

They looked at her quizzically. "Robots?"

_...never mind. _

Speaking of which, where was the stupid gayass fucker anyway? He should've been here by now, yelling his lungs off about how he chopped his opponent to pieces or something shitty like that. Filai opened her mouth to ask, but was beaten to it by Xanxus. "The scum's dead." He said, smirking just a little at the thought. "Eaten by his own kind."

"...." _Wait, what? _"A....are you saying that he was eaten by people?" _CANNIBALISM?!!! EW!!! THAT IS SO FUCKING NASTY! TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!_

Xanxus threw a rock at her. "I meant figuratively, shithead."

"Oh....so...he wasn't eaten?"

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! I MEANT HE WAS EATEN BY A SHARK!"

Silence. "Ohhhhhh....that was what you're talking about. Well, you could've just said so earlier! Not everyone gets your twisted humor, you kn-" She stopped, because the words just finished being processed through her brain, and Marmon was right. The result wasn't something she liked. "Squalo's dead...you mean?"

"Finally figured it out?" Xanxus muttered, rolling his eyes and shoving past her. "Took long enough. Thanks to him, we have to stay in this shithole for another day." With that being said and done, he left the room, followed by his evil minions.

Filai felt that now was a perfect time to cry like an idiot and she was pretty sure she would have...if...Superbia Squalo's dead body was right in front of her...which it wasn't. Which meant he was most likely alive, if not in the best of shapes. But still alive. Gut instinct, one could call it. Or maybe it was just the fact that she's already purposely placed him in numerous situations that were much more painful than...getting eaten by a shark (examples being throwing him into a volcano, planting a bomb in his hair, putting deadly poison in his food, sticking a rattlesnake in his bed, etc.) and he's...survived them all.

In other words, if he managed to live through every piece of shit she's put him through only to be killed by a middle schooler that was apparently armed with a shark, then she's really going to fucking kill something.

Which was why, thirty minutes later, she was wandering into Namimori Junior High school grounds, looking for a place that looked like it might have been a battlesite recently. AKA a fucked up place.

That train of thought led her to some strange, sealed up building, which certainly was rather abnormal, since it was sticking out from...you know, NOT sealed up buildings. She circled the area, spotting an unlocked door. She opened it, and jumped back in horror at what was inside. _Holy son of a bitch...._

Water. Water on water. Water in water. Water drowning water. Water pouring water. Water all over the damn place.

Here was a little fact about Filai. She hated water just about as much as Xanxus hated preventative alcoholic addiction therapy sessions, which was...quite a lot, if anyone was wondering. The liquid was so slimy and cold and oxygen free (no, she couldn't swim) and uncomfortable in the ear and up the nose and against the skin and...urgh....She paled at the thought of it. _They had to fight HERE? _Yes. Now was the time for empathy.

Anyhow...what was she doing again? Oh yes, confirming the validity of Squalo's death.

Which...involved making contact with ice cold H2O

.....fuck no. Sure, she loved Squalo and all, and she would be very willing to jump into a volcano or some shit like that just for his useless sake....

...But...this wasn't a volcano. And she probably wouldn't jump in a volcano, now that she thought about it. So...

Filai walked back out of the building, slamming the door shut. _Well, my eardrums always did need a break. Let's just consider it as a noble and completely voluntary sacrifice for the sake of my hearing. He'll never be forgotten._

She turned to leave, and spotted a group of black suited men plus one in casual garb circling a stretcher. Which wouldn't usually have been enough to divert her attention from the task of getting the hell out of this place...but...that messy mob of blonde hair looked awfully....familiar...

Right on cue, Blondie turned around and found her staring at him. His eyes widened with surprise. "F...Filai?"

Ah, she remembered now. _That guy. _Dino Cavellone, head of one of the most powerful Mafia families ever, and Squalo's old friend/classmate/former punching bag (the latter more so). A pretty nice guy, she remembered, unless he got nailed on the head at some point in time and went through a complete personality change. But judging from that stupidly good natured smile (_oh god, the NICENESS OF IT! HER EYES!!!! IT BURNS!!!), _that wasn't the case right now.

Dino ran over to her. "I can't believe it." He said, rubbing his eyes for good measure. "Yo....you're alive?!"

She looked down and up at herself. "I think so." _Last time I checked, dead people couldn't talk._

Unlike people with half a brain, Dino remained blissfully unaware of her telepathic tendencies to this day. "Wow, did you grow taller?"

"No, you grew shorter, so it's all relative." Was the wry reply and he blinked curiously.

"Oh, did I?" He asked bewilderedly, almost looking panicked for a second. "I didn't know that people could grow shorter..."

_What the hell is this thing? Yamamoto the second?! _"N...never mind. I was being sarcastic."

His expression lit up. "You joke now? That's great!" He exclaimed brightly, oozing happiness and niceness. It was nearly enough to knock her out cold. "That's great! Glad to see you became more lighthearted than before."

_Yep. He's Yamamoto II alright. HOW MANY TIMES TO I HAVE TO SAY IT?! JOKES AND SARCASM ARE DIFFERENT!!! _And of course, Dino remained innocently ignorant of her mental connotations. The douche. "...Sure...anyway...What are you doing here?"

"Ah...that's..." He glanced nervously at the stretcher behind him. The occupant of said stretcher was hidden by his men. "Can you keep a secret, Filai?"

"Only if I want to."

"Oh come on now." Dino coaxed, showing her a pair of eyes that were positively pleading (And not cute at all. I like Xanxus's more when he's thinking about how to gruesomely tear his victim gut by gut into miniscule pieces. They sort of dilate, you know...so he looks ten times crazier than usual...which is already saying something, of course). "That's not reassuring at all. Oh, I know! Let's call it a secret between men, 'kay?" He held out a hand. "Pinky promise, alright?"

She stared at his hand blankly. "But...I'm not a guy."

"Well, that's not impor..." He drifted off, and stared right back. "Wait, you're not a boy?" He asked, looking her down confusedly.

_Never mind, he's not Yamamoto II after all. HE'S FUCKING TOO STUPID FOR THAT TITLE! _"N...no..." _I MET YOU WHEN I WAS ELEVEN YEARS OLD! HOW THE HELL DID YOU MANAGE TO KEEP THAT SORT OF SHITTY MINDSET FOR SIX YEARS, YOU JACKASS!!!!!?????? _"I'm a girl."

Dino gulped, flushing at the unexpected realization. "I...see...." He finally struggled out. "Th...that's...I mean, that's...great...yeah...er..." And groaned. "Sorry!!! When Squalo told me you were some little kid who liked to cross dress as a girl, I took him seriously! I didn't realize he was joking too! I'm really, terribly sorry!!!"

The thing was... _Squalo probably wasn't joking. The little bastard. Next time I get my hands on him, I'll- "_Wait, Dino. That man on the stretcher..." She spotted a flash of sleek silver dangling from the edge. "...that doesn't so happen to be..."

Dino sighed, nodding in affirmation. "Yeah, it's Squalo." He said wearily, running a hand through his blonde mob of hair (_Filai:_ you ever planning on getting a haircut?). "We barely managed to save him from the shark."

_You mean there was seriously a shark? _"Can I see him?"

"Of course....wait." He glanced at her. "How do you know that that's Squalo?"

"Well, he's the reason why I'm not on an airplane back to Italy right this moment." _The bastard. He just HAD to postpone my biology test even more, didn't he? _

"No, that's not what I...why are you here in Namimori in the first place?!" He yelled, alarm flashing on his face. He looked at Squalo, then back at her, then back at Squalo again. "Wait a sec. Don't tell me that you joined the Varia!"

"I wouldn't call it _joined..._since I didn't exactly have a choice to refuse in the first place." She said honestly. "So yes, I'm Xanxus's Cloud Guardian." She held out a hand. "Nice to meet you. By the way, if you tell that to anyone, I'll murder you in your sleep...or..." Filai contemplated the possibility of things. "...I could always do what I did to your friend Tony when you were in high school."

Dino looked horrified. "But...he wouldn't come out of the sewers unless we gave him some pig feet." He whispered.

Filai gave him a thumbs-up. "So let's keep it a secret between men then." She offered, point-blank, and Dino flinched. "So...moving on." _SQUALO!!!!!!!_

And he looked like....a complete wreck, and that description was used quite loosely, because it was quite frankly the biggest understatement ever committed due to the lack of a more adequate term, but that part was insignificant. There were gashes and cuts all over him. A few very deep teeth marks across his face, a dysfunctional left hand...actually, there wasn't much of a left hand remaining......she'll have to order him a new uniform (usually she would've just sewn it up, but this one was already beyond repairable hope), lots and lots of blood....dripping all over the place (somehow, his hair was completely intact and blood free. WTF much?)

Noticing Filai's complete loss of words, Dino tried to console her. "I know it's hard to see him like this, but we're going to put him through surgery immediately, and I'm sure you know how resilient Squalo is, so there's still a good chance that he'll make it throu-"

"...Cute." Filai said numbly.

Silence. Then. "...what?"

"He looks...really...really....really..........adorable." She muttered absentmindedly, still staring at her nearly dead colleague. "I mean...look at all the blood spilling out of him...and the cuts and slashes and wounds are so deep looking...ah, there's blood smeared over his face too."

Dino exchanged awkward looks with his men. "Er...Filai. You...." He swallowed nervously. "...do you have some sort of S&M fetish, by any chance...?"

"No." She replied, and before they could sigh with relief, she added, "Just the S part, since I just like watching other people suffer more." _But can't you see the sheer cuteness of it?! I mean, Squalo's already really cute, so of course he'd look so sweet after being literally torn up and-_

Filai didn't notice Dino and his men slowly edging away from her. Step...by step....by step...

"I want to hug him. If I knew he would be this cute, then I would've tried to kill him more often."

(They weren't sure what was creepier; what she just said, or the fact that she just said it without even changing her expression. Maybe both...)

"Does everybody look this adorable when they're bleeding to death? Oh, I should test it out." She shot a wistful look at Dino, who quailed and ducked behind his men.

*

Filai was in high spirits when she returned. When asked why, she replied by informing them that she had seen the most fucking adorable thing ever and because they've known her for quite a while, the rest of the Varia paled considerably at the thought, because a happy Filai was never a good thing, and a happy Filai right after the death of Superbia Squalo (which would normally send her into the pits of depression hell) was definitely something to be worried about.

So nobody was particularly surprised when the next twelve hours of their lives were filled with many traps and traps and more traps that all put them at possible risks of being skewered and bloodied up and not quite so dead, but still fucked up....every step they go.

All the while, Filai was saying about how she and Gola Mosca were just trying to make them....cuter...while she cheerfully piloted Gola Mosca into doing many destructive things.

(Filai: Come on! I just want to see you guys completely ravaged and devastated and covered with your own blood and sweat. Is that too much to ask for?! Especially you, Xanxus! You've always been cute in the first place, so imagine how much more lovable you'd be with some sharp and pointy stuff stabbed through you?!)

(Xanxus: FUCKING S+M BITCH!)

(Filai: ..........It's just the S part...)

* * *

Yeah, Filai turned all psycho again. It's in her genes. I mean it, literally. It's in her genes.

NEW ARC FOR KHR! HURRAH! AH, the new wimpy kid's sort of cute. Ahahahaha. I wanna see the Varia again.


	8. Chapter 7

A/N: I finally pulled my lazy ass off the chair and did this. Sigh. On a brighter note, school finals are over, which means school's over, which means more free time for me! Hurrah! (shot again)

Chapter 7

Today was the day they were going back to Italy.

So proclaimed Marmon, at least. But Squalo said that too yesterday, and look what happened to him (Filai: It's a jinxed phrase. Don't say it unless you want to get eaten.), so in the end, she didn't exactly bother packing her bags quite just yet. If they do happen to go back today, then she'll just live with being bitched at for five hours and be done with it.

In other news, she just realized that she hadn't seen Tsuna for a very long time (one day), and was blissfully reveling in the absence of the poisonous substance that was Sawada Tsunayoshi's good will when she literally ran straight into him and caused copious amounts of things to fall.

Not really. Just her coffee, which conveniently ended up on Tsuna's head, but that's irrelevant (Tsuna: EEEKKKKK! HOT!) and insignificant (Tsuna: IT BURNS!) and even if it weren't, nobody gives a crap (TSUNA: I'M DYING!).

After gingerly picking herself up from the ground, Filai turned to stare at the hysterical middle schooler. "You know, there's a drinking fountain right next to us."

"HOW'S THAT GOING TO HELP?" Tsuna sobbed, still flailing in agony. Was the coffee that hot? The most it could've been is 100 degrees Fahrenheit before it evaporates. Oh whatever, since it's not like she's not enjoying the scene.

Back to the drinking fountain. "Here. Let me give you some assistance." She pressed the fountain button, blocking the water flow with her finger at just the right angle. It changed its direction and squirted straight into Tsuna's eyes.

Needless to say, that wasn't the most helpful action ever, if those shrieks were indication of anything.

Life without a functional conscience is a damn wonderful thing. You can find pleasure in the simplest of anything, much more often.

_Five minutes later._

"S...so...how've you been, Filai san?" Tsuna asked, still rubbing a sore red patch on his face and sniffing pitifully.

"...fine." _Almost fifty percent of my colleagues are dead, if that's useful. _"I'm just going to the hospital to visit some associates who were nearly killed but are miraculously alive."

Tsuna's already large eyes widened even more. "Y...your friends were nearly killed? Are they alright?" He stammered, unnecessarily concerned as was his wont.

Filai shrugged, absentmindedly sipping the remainders of her coffee (It really wasn't that hot). "I guess." _Didn't you hear the "miraculously alive" part? AND THEY'RE NOT MY FRIENDS! THEY'RE COLLEAGUES, DAMN IT! _"So what are you up to these days, Tsunayoshi kun? You're looking rather stressed. Kids like you shouldn't be having lines like that between your eyes just yet, you know."

He laughed nervously, all the while self consciously feeling his forehead. "Y...yeah, I guess...Things have been kinda...hard...recently." He mumbled, looking sadly down at his feet, brooding over said hard things that Filai obviously didn't give a shit about because it had nothing to do with her.

"Oh really now? I'm sorry to hear that." _Not really. But let's pretend. _"Well, if you're in trouble, you can always run off to a different country." Filai offered. "I came from Italy, for instance. Sicily's nice." _If you don't mind the more than necessary gang shootouts between different Mafia families. I don't know why they still do that. Political battles are the real deal these days. So much more elegant and contemporary than splattering brains out on the sidewalks, though I do admit the whole scene afterwards is quite nice. I love taking morning walks through areas like that, with biology books and the fresh smell of blood and guts. Ahahaha..._

"Eh? You came from Italy, Filai san?" Tsuna asked, surprised.

"Yes, didn't I tell you?"

"No...you just said you came from Europe, that's all."

_And you really can't tell the difference between an Italian and...any other European, you little prick? _No, of course not. It's manga. Nobody can tell who's what judging by appearance. If that were the case, then nobody would know what the hell SHE was (green hair isn't exactly natural in real life, I'd say). But she didn't know that. "Oh, well, now you know."

For some reason, Tsuna was wearing a very alarmed expression. He paled several shades, that's for sure, and was staring at her with eyes that were so fucking large they were liable to pop straight out of his socket.

"What, do you have something against Italians?"

"No...NO!" He nearly yelled, panicked. "Th...that's not it...it's just..." That every single Italian he's met happened to be in the Mafia. But he couldn't tell her that. "E...er...sorry. I'm just surprised, that's all! Ahaha, I thought you were...eh...British!"

Filai shifted an eyebrow doubtfully. "British..." She repeated. "You thought I was British."

He nodded furiously. "Y...yeah! Really! I did! Um...yeah...you know...since you're...uh..." He paused to think of a good word. "British...ish..."

"...ish..."

"...yeah...ish..."

Silence.

"So not only are you bad at science, but you're bad at formulating intellectual words as well."

"Y...yeah..." He gulped. "Your name...doesn't really sound...Italian."

She crossed her arms. "Of course not. It's just a nickname." _Well, Xanxus thinks it's my real name. Damn those document misprints. _"My real name has the last two letters switched. The whole thing's...um..." Pause. "What was it again...oh yes." (Tsuna: You can't remember your name? Filai: Shut up. I haven't USED it for years). "Filia Ecketo Sanchia Viavideche."

Long name. Tsuna blinked. What was her first name again? "Oh...it's really...uh...fancy." He said truthfully. "I guess that's why you took a while to remember it. Ahahaha..."

"Hah. You don't have to say something like that. Nobody remembers it." She dismissed. "So what's with all this interest in me being Italian anyways? I didn't think it'd be that big of a deal."

Tsuna cringed at the skepticism in her tone. His excuse really wasn't holding up. At this rate, she'll really start being suspicious. "I'm sorry." He said, hanging his head in shame. "I...I just thought you were in the Mafia for a moment."

Because Filai was the smartest thing in, like, ever, she didn't get suspicious at fucking all despite being told by a highly dimwitted middle school student that he accurately thought that she was in the Mafia. The little brat thought she was British. Just because she came from Europe. Pft. He probably used the same mindset to come to the conclusion that she was a Mafia member just because she came from Italy.

Honestly, this is a perfect example of how ravaged the world is by stereotypes. Poor world.

But who knows? Maybe Tsuna really IS the other side's boss candidate for the Vongola familia. How strange would that be?

Very strange. Enough said. ANYWAYS!

"Not everyone from Italy is from the Mafia, Tsunayoshi kun." Filai stated airily. "Just like how not everyone from Japan likes sushi...I think."

Tsuna gave her a puzzled look. "But everyone I know loves sushi...except for Gokudera. But he's part Italian too, so he doesn't count too much."

"Is he now? You seem to know quite a few Italians yourself, Tsunayoshi kun." She rolled her eyes disinterestedly, kicking a pebble on the ground and nailing Tsuna, who didn't notice it at all. "Are you sure you're not in the Mafia yourself?"

Because Tsunayoshi was NOT the smartest thing in, like, ever, he didn't at all catch the blatant sarcasm in her tone and immediately assumed, with unmitigated horror, that she really was suspecting him of being in the Mafia, and instead of denying it, decided that the best way to end things with the least amount of misunderstanding was to tell the plain and simple truth. He gulped, feeling the sweat building. "Um...Filai san...actually...I have something to tell you."

"You always do, unfortunately."

"Something important!"

"Of course YOU'D think it's important, Tsunayoshi kun, otherwise you wouldn't bother telling me."

Tsuna ignored the evil remark, for once. "The truth is..." He began. "That...that..." He faltered, then blurted out. "...I really am in the-"

"Oh wow, those school uniforms those kids are wearing look like garbage uniforms." Filai suddenly interrupted, looking far at a pair of middle school students, one standing slightly slouched and one crouching, looking at a tray of store goods. "Whoever picks that school really has bad taste."

Following her view, Tsuna turned. "That's...Kokuyo students." He said quizzically. "They're from the neighboring town. Strange. They don't really come into Namimori that often."

_Did you say something interesting? Cause all I hear is blah blah BLAH. "_How interesting." Was the indifferent reply.

A sign was blocking the slouching kid's face from sight and the slouching kid was blocking the crouching kid's face from sight. "I wonder who they are." Tsuna arched his neck to take a better look, to no avail. Filai simply waited until they've walked close enough for a better look. When they did so, Tsuna's jaw slackened.

Meanwhile, Filai was busy playing with her not so literally but still very screwed up hair. _Yeah...a guy with a beanie and glasses. How fucking astonishing. This should be listed as one of the Seven Wonders of the World, shouldn't it?_ "Do you know him, Tsunayoshi kun?"

Meanwhile, Tsuna was stuttering like a lunatic, staring single mindedly at the glasses one with something close to hysterical shock. "N...no way...I'm hallucinating. I seriously hallucinating." He repeated, over and over and over again, trying to regain dignity that never existed. "It can't be. That's not...possible. I must be tired, right?" He laughed shakily. "Yeah, that's it. I'm just seeing things. Filai san, you don't see a really tall guy with glasses, do you?"

"Yes, I do, actually. Slouchy, bar code on his face." She could go on." Ring a bell?"

"I'M NOT HALLUNCINATING!" Tsuna sobbed, clutching his head in sheer alarm. His darted around, as if intuitively searching for signs of a possible someone else. "B-but if he's here, then-"

The crouching kid stood up and turned to face him. Oddly enough, he reminded Filai of a...kitten. Strange. Humans and cats were never very close in appearance. He glared with startling viciousness at Tsuna, who promptly shrieked like a female and fainted with a small thud.

Filai kicked him experimentally, and decided to neglect the fact that she couldn't even make him budge. _Wow. One hit K.O. Who knew a guy's face could be that scary? I mean, he should see Xanxus' expression on a bad day. _

The catty kid was swearing and stomping on Tsuna's useless lump of flesh that was barely passable as a comatose body. "I can't believe we lost to this THING!" He yelled. "Just thinking about it is pissing the crap out of me!"

She was just about to ask how they could lose to something so miserable a creature like Sawada Tsunayoshi when a squeaky voiced "Ciaossu" caught their attention. _Ah, that Reborn kid. _Surprisingly enough, the two Kokuyo students seemed to know the brat too, for they immediately began ranting about one thing or another that obviously didn't involve her. Though she did by sheer chance catch a name. _Mukuro? _She recalled Marmon mentioning something about a Mukuro Rokudo while reading the papers. Some nut job that broke out of prison the day before his execution, if her memory served her correctly. _How would they know a Mafioso? No, the case received a lot of media attention, so I guess it isn't too surprising. _Filai thought, frowning. _Though I didn't think it'd reach Japan, especially in such a small town. _

"So, Filai." After some small talk with the Kokuyo kids, Reborn turned to her, breaking her out of her thoughts. "I couldn't help but overhear your conversation with Tsuna. You're Italian, aren't you?"

_Honestly, what is the big deal with me being Italian? _"Yes."

"What did you say your full name was again?"

Pause. "Filia Ecketo Sanchia Viavideche"

Reborn frowned. "Viavideche." He repeated. Filai asked if there was something wrong and he merely shook his head. "No. It's just an interesting name, that's all. By the way...do you..."

"Do I what?"

He thought for a moment. "Do you recognize Tsuna from somewhere?"

_Recognize him? _"Not at all." Was the immediate reply. "Never seen the kid before in my life until a few days ago." _If I did, I would've remembered a scrawny useless douche like him. _"Why do you ask?"

"Just curious." He answered. "Anyways, we have to get going now. Some business to take care of."

"Is it this sumo/boxing nonsense I've been hearing about?"

Reborn smiled. "Something like that." And proceeded to easily dragging Tsuna off with one hand. "Take care."

She was already gone from sight when he began thinking. "Viavideche..." He muttered to himself, occasionally kicking Tsuna for the heck of it. "So that's...I heard that she was never seen again after the Cradle Affair. She doesn't seem to know who Tsuna is. It might not be her though..."

This called for a visit with Dino.

* * *

_A while later._

Dino nearly spat out his drink. He hastily wiped his mouth on his sleeve as he stared wide eyed at Reborn. "O...oh. You mean the youngest Viavideche kid?" He asked, hesitantly. "W...what about her?"

"What was she like? You used to hang out with her a little, didn't you?"

"Well...yeah. She was always with Squalo before she disappeared. So of course I met her at some point in time." He recalled. "She was a really cute kid back then, except she'd always become really depressed when Squalo was gone and do some pretty nasty things (like what happened to my classmate. Urg, poor Tony)...yeah...she had a huge attachment to him. So I'm not surprised that she showed up with him here-" Ah, wait. He wasn't supposed to say that. Crap.

Reborn's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "She's here in Japan?"

Silence. Then. "PLEASE DON'T TELL HER I TOLD YOU!" Dino begged, and Reborn really wondered what the hell was so creepy about Filai-who, he recalled, collapsed from exhaustion for absolutely no reason at all...many times. "SHE'LL RIP MY ORGANS OUT! OR...OR GORGE MY EYES OUT WITH A SPOON, OR...SHE'LL CASTRATE ME, REBORN!"

"_..._I thought you said she was cute..."

"I meant the first time I met her! And she still can be cute sometimes, but not when she's pissed! She's really physically weak, but...I don't know! She was probably some military strategist in her past life or something!" Dino almost cried. "She doesn't kill her victims either! She traumatizes them for life and lands them in the psycho ward! Please don't tell her I said anything!"

Sometimes, Reborn really wondered about that girl.

* * *

Marmon was possibly going to get his tiny ass kicked as well, so Filai decided to make sure he...well, DIDN'T, by trying to bloody him up so much that his opponent wouldn't be able to find it in his heart to kill him just be-fucking-cause he'd be so adorable when he was all gory and gutted and stuff...

Was how she put it. Needless to say, her attempt wasn't taken too well.

"I was just trying to help." She said despondently, gingerly edging away from a blue tentacle protruding from Marmon's hood. _Seriously though. How DO you do that sort of thing? It's really gross, you know. _

"Illusions." He replied, fwishing the tentacle back into his clothes. "Not that you'd have the skill to avoid it."

Filai mumbled something about underage wizards (isn't there an age limit to this sort of stuff?) before returning to her coffee. "Then again, you don't use it much, do you? Are you going to in the match?"

"I've already asked for the boss' permission, as a matter of fact." Marmon said, feeding a piece of gut...I mean, cookie to his strange black frog. "You're lucky that I'm going next. If we lose this match, then you'll have to fight. And most likely lose."

While Filai was indignantly sputtering a protest, Marmon checked the clock. "It's almost the appointed time." He said, standing up from his little cushion that he had forced Filai to sew up on pain of death. "If you'll excuse me, I'll be going."

"Will I have to be left behind again?" She called after his retreating back.

Marmon smiled pleasantly. "But of course. Do you realize that one of the main reasons we're actually concerned about losing too much is that if we all lose, then _you'll _have to fight, thus forcing us to admit that someone as thoroughly worthless as yourself is actually a part of the Varia?"

Quiet.

_Um, Marmon. You do realize that you're a big fat ugly son of a bitch, right? Someday, karma's going to kill you. In fact, you might even die in the battle with the other side's mist guardian. And then I'll laugh._

Marmon didn't return.

"He lost." A very cheerful Bel reported, the grim news made quite colorful with his quaint little giggles. "To a girl."

And Filai was much unhappy. _Oh my god, is it my fault for saying something like that to him before he left? Did I VOODOO HIM OR SOMETHING? HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT! THIS IS FUCKING HORRIBLE! _"Was he...really bloodied up when he died?"

"It was all illusions. There weren't any real casualties."

Filai glowered. _Damn it. I wanted to at least see his bloody corpse._

Levi added. "Marmon didn't die. He escaped. Boss had ordered Gola Mosca to hunt him down."

_Nooo! Don't do it, Gola Mosca! I thought we were friends! _"Please don't."

"Too late now. Marmon lost." And Bel's already huge grin grew even more. He needed a bigger face to fit it. Maybe it'd help if she accidentally flattened him a little with a bulldozer. "Shishishi. And you know what that means?" Judging by the pure ecstasy in his voice, Filai didn't WANT to know. "You'll have to fight tomorrow."

"...oh." And then. "Oh...shiiiittttttt..."

"Woah. She swore out loud. That must mean she's pissed!" Was the elated response as Filai pondered over the shitty nature of life.

* * *

**A/N:** Yeah, too lazy for any comments this time. I thank you all for the reviews! I'm happy! I really am! And...I'm still gonna get shot at this rate. I'll see if I can update sooner this time, so stay tuned!


	9. Chapter 8

**A/N:** I UPDATED FASTER THIS TIME! BE PROUD OF ME! MUAHAHAHAHA! (shot again). Plus I made a long chapter. Well, it's long for my standard anyways. I was in a good mood, since the Varia (minus Xanxus; damn you Xanxus why do you keep avoiding your rabid fans so much?) showed up. And Squalo was actually being less of a bitch than usual to Tsuna! Who knew he had it in him? The plotline's finally getting somewhere too, though...I'm kind of pissed that Yamamoto was owned. THE GUY WENT THROUGH FUTURISTIC TRAINING THAT DIDN'T EVEN EXIST AT HIS TIME! WHY IS HE STILL GETTING OWNED SO EASILY? BY SOMEONE HIS AGE TOO! ARGS!

* * *

**Chapter 8**

**Day of the Last Ring Match**

"So basically," _I'm dead. _

Dino was thoughtful as Filai wrapped up her uncharacteristically long, very characteristically colorful rant about how she was in all of essentialities, screwed to shit. Because she really was. "Well, I don't think I'd go as far as dead. I mean, the other side's pretty reasonable if you ask me. They're just kids."

"Interesting point of view, considering how beautifully everyone else turned out." _You truly are blind. Their storm guardian handed Bel his ass on a silver platter. _Pause. _No, he fucking blew it up. THEN he handed it over. And the rain guardian fed Squalo to a shark. Middle school or not, they are fucking cyborg psychopaths!_

"Well, technically all that wasn't intentional."

"Dino, you can't just accidentally turn Bel into-" _something resembling the last vestiges of last year's garbage waste_. "bomb bait. You just can't."

"Actually, that was sort of his own fault." Dino laughed sheepishly. "Having too much of an ego kind of does that to people, y'know."

Filai blinked. Contemplated things, and then shook her head, muttering "I don't even want to know the details. Plus, why the hell are we talking about my half dead colleagues when it's my turn to become one with the dirt in approximately six hours?" _Well, now five hours and fifty nine minutes, if you want to be stingy. _"Besides, it's not so much the creepy Cloud Guardian kid that I'm worried about."

"Then what?"

As if she should even have to grace that stupid question with an answer. Well since it was Dino, and Dino was in noticeable lack and need of a brain- "_Xanxus_."

On cue, Dino's mouth formed a small "o". "Yeah, I sort of get what you mean now."

_Good to know, except you should've gotten it without me having to tell you, idiot. _

"Well, you've dealt with the guy for eight years without being killed."

And really, Filai wanted to tell him that no, she did not deal with Xanxus for eight years, that seriously, he was fucking stuck in a block of one thing or another (courtesy of a Mr. 9th generation Vongola boss who is totally irrelevant at the moment) for said eight years, and that she had barely KNOWN the guy before-only that the exceedingly prideful Varia, Squalo included, had prostrated at his feet like he was the second coming of Christ and yes, that was something creepy to watch for a nine year old because nine year olds' brains tend to lean towards registering Xanxus' really scary aura instead of his equally scary hands of epic doom that could wipe a country off the face of a map. And the Earth.

She really wanted to tell Dino that.

Yeah, she couldn't really do that. Since it was supposabley the biggest cover-up in all of Vongola history, and if it got leaked out...well...if Xanxus ever caught her, then perhaps she would be better off locked in a room and fed alive to man eating creatures of infinite sorts.

So instead. "Sure." _Let's leave it at that. _

Completely unaware as per usual, Dino continued. "Besides, I don't think Kyouya would go as far as killing you. He doesn't like people dying on the school campus."

_Kyouya? _The name made Filai raise her head. "I met a kid called Kyouya a while ago."

"What was he like?"

"He was sort of nice."

"Violent?"

_About as that as Luss is straight. _"No, not really. Just a little gloomy."

Dino snerked. "Yeah, I don't think we're talking about the same guy here. Sorry, but the Kyouya your facing is sort of ax happy." Frown. "Well, in his case, tonfa happy. But you get my point, right?"

_Last time I checked, axes and tonfas were two different things. One looks slightly more fitting in a horror movie. The other is a metal rod with a handle. _"Tonfas don't seem too bad."

"It's modified, with-" And here, Dino had to shake his head, in utter exasperation. "metal spikes. And a grappling hook. And a chain accessory at the end."

"What...?" _...the fuck..._

"And he has two of them. He likes to...how does he put it...? Oh yes, 'bite' people to death with them."

Metal spikes. Hooks, and _chains. _That and bite people to death...that's...oh wait, she recalled Kyouya using that term too. But he was hungry then, so maybe he didn't count. But...wait, bite to death was a little...

Filai had to turn a little pale. "So this guy's a pervert."

As expected, because remember, he's an absolute idiot, Dino was caught completely off guard by the undeniably genius (and yet, oh so wrong, but she doesn't know that) conclusion. "Who? Kyouya? No, no way in heck...he's not a-"

And of course, 'bite to death' was _so _not some phrase chock full of fucking innuendo. That and chains? Oh god, Filai knew that that kind of sick stuff was popular these days, but she never thought she'd actually meet anyone like that! This visit to Dino was supposed to be some half hearted attempt to consol herself (because no, she was not going to get any comfort from a royally pissed asshole of a boss, nor a robot, nor a worshipper of said pissed asshole of a boss, nor a prince who according to Dino played a hefty part in blowing himself up). So far? She was feeling even worse than when she came in.

Even Squalo was better at consolation than Dino, and that was seriously the wrongest sentence ever to grace the planet. Wrongest wasn't even a WORD, according to Microsoft 2007, but you get the point. It was that bad.

Speaking of Squalo...maybe he'd have a better idea what to do.

"Who, Squalo?" Dino frowned at her little request. "Well, he did regain consciousness earlier in the morning. I don't know about right now though. We can see." He got up from the couch and walked over to a nearby phone. After a few hushed words, he motioned to Filai. "Come on."

* * *

Awake didn't even begin describing things. If it weren't for the hospital clothing, hospital bed, hospital metal restraints _making sure he stayed_ in the hospital bed, hospital bandages, hospital blankets, hospital bandages practically mummifying him, then nobody could even tell that Superbia Squalo had just two days ago been nearly turned into fish food. He was just so very lively.

In fact, the strange thing was he seemed a little more lively than when he actually WAS in normal conditions.

Well, the Varia never was one for logic.

And it was a shame the shark didn't get a clamp on Squalo's throat, because the bastard was just as loud strapped to a bed as he was chopping people up like Yamamoto's dad on a mad sushi spree. Dear god, and Dino thought he was bad enough already, but once he and his men had left the room to give them some privacy, there was just no holding back.

First things' first. Break the news of Marmon's failure.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN MARMON LOST, YOU SHITTY BRAT?"

Yeah. Then break the news of her impending doom at the hands of a sadistically perverted middle schooler. In greater (mostly exaggerated, and the tonfas was replaced with chainsaws and axes) words though.

Squalo's reaction was even worse than that. It went on for very long, so I'll just give the condensed version: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE FIGHTING SOME PERVERTED BRAT ARMED WITH FUCKING CHAINS AND AXES?"

(FYI: Understandably, Squalo was a little confused. Because he had actually seen Hibari Kyouya before, and yes, the little fucker looked just as pissed as Xanxus on a good day, but he seemed nowhere near the freak of nature that Filai had so elegantly made him out to be)

She scowled, warily withdrawing the hands clamped against her ears as Squalo took a deep breath after the lecture long enough to be worthy of a college course held in a football stadium. Even his already abused fit to rot lungs didn't have the capacity to hold out his ten minute rant at top volume. That was really, really, REALLY saying something. Oh, plus he was still recovering from a shark attack.

So...

Plans. Squalo needed some plans. Maybe he should've started thinking about said plans the second he realized that maybe those stupid brats weren't as weak as he had initially taken them to be and that just maybe Marmon would be subsequently mauled and therefore lead the fate of Xanxus' inheritance in the hands of some dumb high schooler.

But he didn't, so now he had to think of something that probably won't quite help Filai win, but more like get her ass out of the arena alive and at most in two pieces (if they were lucky). Since, well, her winning against a guy that pawned Levi with an ankle was more than anything a cause that could not be lost because it never_fucking_existed in the first place.

Not like formulating said plans was hard. He was Superbia Squalo, after all. The most epic swordsman alive, Varia boss candidate at age fourteen, and shit, that loss against Yamamoto Takeshi had been a total...well, maybe not fluke since even he had to admit, the kid did have talent, but in any case Squalo could've won easily but just didn't, and the point was he was fucking awesome and thinking up of a little something to save his...his...something...(object of misplaced tolerance masquerading as urge to spear her with a butter knife, but let's not go there)...SOMETHING'S! life was no big deal.

For the record, he wasn't doing it because he LIKED her, platonically OR romantically, alright? Well, Filai was pretty much useless in an assassination squad, but saving lives for seemingly no reason at all had benefits! Like...karma, or something. All those higher upper powers like good actions, so of course him saving her was a purely self driven and selfish ploy to put himself in the good graces of...Oh wait, he was an assassin. It was a little too late to be thinking about karma, was it...

_Shit. _

Speaking of which, what _was_ he thinking again?

"You alright, Squalo?" Filai peered at him curiously, eyebrows raised. "You look a little red."

He really would've kicked her. Except both his legs were broken, and stuck to the bed. Not very helpful. So for replacement. "GO ROT IN HELL!"

She rolled her eyes, before backing off. _Touchy asshole. _"I think I'll be going." _You don't seem to have any good plans anyways. Then again, what was I thinking, expecting something useful from you?_

Oh right, that was what he was thinking about. Wait. Crap.

"VOI! WAIT UP FOR A SEC, DAMN IT!"

Filai stopped, already one foot out the door. "What is it?"

This was technically when Squalo was supposed to offer some sagacious advice that would change Filai's outlook on life forever, therefore turning her into a better human who would do good to the world (and maybe get rid of that coffee addiction of hers. It's really worrisome sometimes). Oh, and maybe actually help her kick Hibari Kyouya's ass.

And he would've. Except he really didn't have the sagacious advice needed to perform aforementioned miracles, since the epic part of him fell more in the physical category than anything else. That just didn't help at all.

He settled with a deflated "If you die, I'll kill you."

_But by then I'm dead._

Squalo hated life. "THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT!"

Filai seemed to want to argue more, but thought better of it. "I'll take that into account when I have a tonfa shoved down my guts." She said mildly. _Killing corpses. Don't you have the best pastimes ever?_ "Anything else?"

Yeah. Wait, no. Wait, yes. Wait...damn it all.

"You know Squalo,"

Said person jerked his mind out of his internal battle. Just what the hell was he battling over anyways? He glared, and was predictably ignored. "What?"

Pause. Filai blinked, and cocked her head to the side bemusedly. "You didn't die."

"Oh really? I didn't fucking notice." Squalo said sarcastically, really feeling like impaling her with a sword at the moment. But what else was new? "Complaining?"

_Not really. But you still suck at making people feel better._

"Voi, I'm an assassin, not a fucking school counselor."

* * *

**Namimori Junior High School, Evening**

"Lose." Filai repeated blankly, staring at Xanxus as if he had lost his mind, because he indeed, had just lost his mind. Or maybe gained one, along with some actually humanity, but what were the chances of that? "You want me to lose. You WANT me to lose." _Who are you and just what in the name of God have you done to Xanxus?_

"Oi, scum..." Xanxus began, with much foreboding in his voice. Filai paused. "Shut up."

"Y-yes sir." _Son of a bitch. I can't believe you'd give up just because of some freaky android kids. _Well, she would, if it was her, but Xanxus was different, if anyone hadn't noticed by now. He was actually GOOD at fighting and killing and utterly demolishing everything in his way. Filai...yeah.

Bel gleefully wacked her on the back of the head. "Idiot, the Boss has obvious got some plan." He said, with his trademark laugh. "And what's with the androids?"

Filai was sad. _N...never mind. _

Xanxus gave her his usual bored, evil glare that almost made him look sleepy except it was Xanxus and he was practically an insomniac without being the part because there's something wrong with him and of course, he's had eight years of sleep already in a freaking block of ice...oh wait. She didn't say that. She did not say that. "So if you've got the info in your shitty head, then move your ass already."

_Alright, alright. Jeez, what the mind fuck is wrong with you? Do I need to go to the nearest hardware store to find pliers large enough to get that giant pole out of your as- _She ducked as a toilet was thrown at her. Levi was subsequently pawned. "Um...Xanxus, you haven't been...going to the anger management sessions I signed you up for, huh..."

And he glared.

ANYWAYS, as Filai unhappily dragged herself and her metallic companion to the designated battlefield, she mildly wondered what her opponent would be like. Dino had said something about a complete brute who lives for blood and guts being tossed around his imminent surroundings, and red painted and splattered and screams filling the air and...

Interesting guy. Maybe he'll look like one of those gangsters, with the tattoos and multiple piercings and sunglasses, all dressed in black leather and boots and waving giant machetes. Ooh, maybe he'll have a Mohawk. Not like Lussuria's prissy, flat one. The kind that sticks up at a vertical 90 degree angle from his head, all dyed green and blue and yellow and red and stuff. He'll probably have lots of chains and skull key chains and rings and shiny chainy necklaces and...

Following that unique train of thought, Filai was a bit surprised to see Hibari Kyouya leaning against one of the machine guns set out around the field, metal tonfas held loosely in his hands and impatient expression etched all over his cutely murderous face.

Oh, and Gokudera and Yamamoto and Ryohei. Hey, there was a little eye patched girl too, in the near distance, along with those two Kokuyo guys Tsunayoshi had been talking to yesterday. What a coincidence.

Wait. What?

Filai stared at them. They stared back. Something clicked in her mind. And it wasn't pretty at all.

Meanwhile, Xanxus and co. were being mildly confused about the awkward silence that had taken over the area. Bel laughed nervously. "So what the hell's going on?"

And because it was Bel, and because the situation was rather peculiar, well, to put it simply...

_Holy shit. _

All hell broke loose.

"IT'S YOU!" Gokudera screeched, pointing rather rudely at her, his other hand wielding a fistful of lit dynamite while Yamamoto good naturedly held him back (or attempted to, at least). "I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING FREAKISH ABOUT YOU! YOU WERE ON THE ENEMY'S SIDE THE WHOLE TIME, WEREN'T YOU, YOU XXXXXX-ING XXXXX XXXX XXXXXXXXXXX!"

"Um, sure."

Gokudera gave her the finger.

Yamamoto, being the kind and stupid soul he was, merely laughed. "Come on, Gokudera. Filai probably didn't do it on purpose."

"SHE WAS SPYING ON JUUDAIME!"

"Really? It's not like she asked anything about him or his training."

Silence. "SHE WAS BRIBING HIM WITH SCIENCE LESSONS!" Alright, that guy just didn't know when to quit. Or maybe he was just pissed that Filai actually managed to successfully tutor his lost cause excuse for a boss while he failed so miserably that Tsuna got even worse scores than he did without Gokudera's help. That by itself took a lot of talent, by the way.

Xanxus glanced at Filai, who was still mildly (_Seriously? SERIOUSLY? I'm fighting that...that...urg, I hate the world)_ disturbed at the prospect of killing or being killed by Hibari Kyouya. They were wasabi buddies! Oh the horror of the bonds being treaded on like burnt waste disposal. Xanxus's eyes narrowed. "How do you know those trash?"

Filai paused, frowned. "So what would you say if I told you that they're friends of that kid I whimsically tutored in science for the past week or so?"

"You WHAT_?"_

"Well, it's probably just a coincidence." _Lower your voice, isn't it bad enough that Squalo's...er...wait, yeah. He's not alive at all. Ignore what I said. _She said, hastily making amends at the sight of the uttering homicidal expression that Xanxus was sporting at the moment. "Besides, it's not like I was really hanging around with your actual opponent, right? It's just his friends. Coincidence, maybe, but what can I say? It's not that big of a town." _So get a grip on yourself before you combust or something. _

Miraculously enough, that seemed to calm her boss down just a little.

Then again, self preservation WAS pretty overrated. So she just had to continue, albeit very thoughtfully and not really directed to Xanxus, but nevertheless..."Then again, it'd be kind of funny to see him fight you. Tsunayoshi kun's-"

Ah, that did it. "Tsunayoshi." Xanxus repeated, and his voice turned just very soft, and...dangerous, like when he went on one of his infamous killing sprees of whatnot doom that usually left little to no remains by the utterly demolished splatters of blood that were once in the vague form of human bodies, and... "Sawada Tsunayoshi."

_Oh right. That was his last name. Damn it, what is with every freaking Japanese name and having a gazillion syllables in their names anyways? Tsunayoshi is way longer than what any name has the right to be. Sawada's just fucked up and- _"How did you know his name?" Pause. "Do you know him?" Pause. "Wait, he's not..." Pause. "He's your opponent, isn't he?" Pause. Filai facepalmed. _I hate life. _

And let it be known, she should really feel grateful for those weird pink haired Cervello for showing up when they did, because otherwise she really would've been reduced to minced Mafioso by Xanxus, and that really wasn't how she imagined her life would end. Well, maybe she did, because technically she's been within that range of possibility for quite a while. But she didn't WANT to die like that.

Xanxus had just enough time for a very irate "Go die in a hole."

"...thanks." _Jeez, glad to know I have such a supportive boss behind me. Bitch. _Filai ducked as a refrigerator was hurled at her. Bel was subsequently pawned. _Just where did you get that?_

Xanxus shrugged nonchalantly. "The kitchen had extras."

ANYWAY, the Cervello showed up, in all their freakish...freakiness. No, Filai never really forgave them for giving her the ring half via marriage proposal position. It was disturbing, alright? It really was!

"We will now commence the Cloud Guardian battle." Once announced, gravely, like she was heading a funeral procession. Those ladies really needed to lighten up. It must come with the job of being neutral and assholes simultaneously. "Will the contestants enter the ring and display their ring halves?"

_I don't want to go. _

Bel didn't give her a choice. "You don't have a choice!" See? He giggled very uniquely, grabbed her by the shoulders and cheerfully shoved her into the field, which was very beautifully, impeccably decorated. With machine guns and land mines and explosives and all sorts of deadly goodies that sparkled and shined metal even though there was hardly any light around and yeah, that was just creepy. And yeah, she was screwed. So very screwed.

She resignedly dragged along Gola Mosca, and walked up to Hibari, who was still coolly observing her. "You don't look very surprised."

He shrugged as they both showed the Cervello their ring halves. "I already knew it was you."

"What? How?"

"You trespassed on school property." He said stiffly. "After the battle with Yamamoto Takeshi. I happened to be there at the time."

Filai frowned, randomly sifting through her memories. "Oh, you mean the rain battle. Right. I was talking with Dino, and..." _This is seriously just some sick comedy, isn't it? _"Y'know, technically I can't really fight."

Hibari was disgruntled. "I know."

"You're still going to kill me, aren't you?"

"You trespassed on school property." He supplied benevolently. Something flashed in his hands, and Filai paled just barely at the sight of two tonfas fitted in his fists. Well, at least there were no chainsaws or axes in sight. "I'll bite you to death."

She winced. "You really should change a catch phrase. That just sounds so suggestive, it's not very health for fifteen year olds like you."

"I'm sixteen."

_Aw. The little boy wants to play adult. Great. DO I CARE? _"My bad. Sixteen. Actually, that's not much better." Filai sighed. "In fact, it's not good to be a pervert at any age, come to think of it."

Once again, Filai should thank those Cervello for intervening at the time they did, because Hibari was pretty sure she had just implied that he was a pervert. And that was just something he wasn't going to take lying down.

"We've confirmed the validity of the two ring halves." The Cervello announced, right before Hibari attempted to maul Filai down. "Are the two guardians ready?"

"No." _How about we just never start?_

Hibari said nothing.

The Cervello. "In that case, we will begin the Cloud Guardian battle. Starting now-"

"Wait what?" _I TOLD YOU I'M NOT READY, YOU ASSHOLES! IF YOU WERE GOING TO START ANYWAYS, THEN DON'T BOTHER ASKING THE DAMN QUESTION! _

Right on cue, the machine guns started firing away, quite merrily too. Hibari jumped out of the path with ease, and Filai stumbled aside, barely avoiding losing a limb or two.

_So I guess I could use Gola Mosca right now, but... _Something crackled in her hand. Filai looked down, and resisted the urge to just give up and run off before she was really killed. She dropped the now useless killer robot controlling remote onto the ground; it had been hit by the machine gun, and was now just a sporadically sparkling lump of metal junk that wasn't going to do her any good anymore.

_Alright, so I can't use Gola Mosca anymore. Great. _Filai dodged another barrage of bullets, and stopped her step just inches away from a bump in the ground that more likely than not indicated a land mine.

Only to accidentally trip and trigger another one. Did she mention that she hated life? No? Well, she hated life.

It exploded, sending her tumbling unceremoniously to the ground. Filai covered her mouth with her sleeve to avoid inhaling the dust. _I hate life. I hate life. I hate life. _A sharp streak of pain made her look down. The sleeve of her uniform (Xanxus had made her wear her Varia uniform, despite virtually everyone's constant denial of her membership in the squad; she just didn't understand him sometimes. Or ever) looked a little damp. She felt it, and found that her left arm was bleeding. Gingering lifting the torn fabric, Filai found that some sharp bit of metal was lodged in her arm. _I REALLY HATE LIFE. _

Lucky her. Years of living with violent assassins had given her at least some degree of resilience to pain. With some difficulty, Filai tugged out the metal and quickly picked herself up and ran off right as another mine exploded behind her.

And where the hell was Hibari anyways?"

Once the dust from the mines cleared, Filai spotted him. He was on the other side of the field, battling...Gola Mosca? That thing could move on its own? Damn, killer robot taken to a whole new level.

Clamping a hand over her arm injury, Filai used her free hand to reach for...it should be there somewhere. She couldn't have forgotten it, oh there it was.

Filai clumsily withdrew her small handgun from its holster. She didn't use it often, considering how every time she was taken along for a mission, one of her colleagues would finish things off before she even realized that they were under attack. But it was useful for situations where she had to fend for herself.

Such as right now.

_Basic training does pay off. _She aimed, mindful of her injury, and fired at a feasible landmine area near Hibari's feet. She missed by a good foot or two, but it was enough to set the explosive off. Oh, and that slightly surprised expression of Hibari's right before he vanished in the dust? Made her just a little guilty. Even sadism had its limits. It wasn't like Hibari was some crazy assassin who had eternal homicidal tendencies that never shut down (in stark reality, she had no idea).

Something shot out of the dust. Filai didn't react fast enough, and some sharp object knocked the gun out of her hand. The next attack was connected to a chain. It cut deep into her leg_. _Her stand gave away, and seconds later Filai found herself sitting blankly on the ground._ Yeah, I hate life. _

And what was that scary figure stepping out of the dust...oh dear god, it was Hibari. And was that...? Dino was right. His tonfas DID have chains armed at the ends.

Not her best day. "...Hi." She scooted away.

Hibari glared. In the background, Gola Mosca laid as metal waste, one of its limbs severed. Alright, so Hibari WAS a killer child android after all. Not something she really needed to know.

Filai surreptitiously glanced at Xanxus. _So what should I do now? _Hibari, luckily, didn't catch her message. Haha! These freaky auras did have some usage after all!

Xanxus held up a hand at mid level, motioning disinterestedly at her ring half. Filai hesitated, and pulled the ring off her neck, tossing it to Hibari. Or, tried to. Hibari was ten feet away from her. She only had enough strength to throw it three. "Congratulations. I give."

"You're pathetic." Hibari remarked, walking over to pick up the ring. Filai didn't respond; it was sort of hard to argue with his point, and she did expect some snark anyways. She didn't expect his next course of action though. After clicking the ring halves together, he tossed it to a rather shocked Cervello. "Don't need that."

"Hey, what are you-"

He turned to Xanxus, and pointed a tonfa at him. "Get over here. You're next."

Filai and Bel and Levi both stared at Hibari. "You have to be shitting me."

"Does the brat have a death warrant on him?"

"Hey Kyouya, maybe you shouldn't..." _Yep. You're a fucking lunatic alright. _

Xanxus raised an eyebrow at the challenge. He smirked.

Filai only saw Xanxus truly smile a few times in her life; the last time being eight years ago, when he...he...that time...anyways, the point was it was scary.

She subconsciously backed away, feeling a lot sorrier for Hibari Kyouya than she should be feeling. Who ever knew the kid was suicidal? He sure didn't seem like it at first glance.

* * *

I felt like giving a preview. So here. **Preview:**

"Filai san?"

"Tsunayoshi?" _You really are the other side's leader. Who would've ever guessed. Oh wait, actually, I did guess, huh? I am never making crack predictions for fun ever again. Just look what happened this time. _She looked around. There were many bratty faces around and about. "Where's Xanxus?"

"Gone. He...left with the rest of his people. Um, Filai san. Are you alright?"

Filai closed her eyes, and shrugged. "Well, to be quite honest, no. Do you know why?"

Tsuna thought for a moment, and suggested innocently. "Because you have a metal pole stuck through your ribs?"

Pause. "Well, that too. But also you're radiating utter pure and good will and you do realize how detrimental that is to my health, right?" Pause. "Wait, what did you say?"

Another pause. "Filai san, you might not want to look down."

Filai looked down. "Ah, I see what you mean now."

* * *

**A/N:** And of course, Filai loses in the lamest way possible. At least she gets a gun, because all good Mafioso has guns. Oh, and Squalo was probably just a little weird here. But I figured if it's a SqualoxOC thing I should at least write SOMETHING pertaining to it. Plus I think I'm focusing so much on Filai's adventures of utter failedness that people are sort of forgetting the (must I say it? ARGS!)...roman...uh...non platonic part...of the fanfiction. So there's his failed attempt at consolation.

And the Varia arc is so far from done. Don't get me wrong, the Varia arc is my absolute favorite in the whole manga (except for that bit, also with the Varia, in the future arc), but I want to finish it soon, though, and get on with the next one (not the future arc quite yet though, unfortunately). What else. Oh, review? Please! It makes me happy!

Regardless, since I finally have summer vacation, I think I'll be updating more often. :D Thanks for reading!


	10. Chapter 9

**A/N:** I updated. Really fast. I also rewrote the prologue (I left parts the same, but the beginning especially is pretty different now), and made a shitload of spelling/grammar edits for chapter's one to four. Okay, now I'm going to go feel extremely proud of myself and celebrate the happiness that is summer vacation. (in actuality, I looked at the date records and realized this story is over a year old and still hasn't gotten past the Varia arc yet. Neither has she even shown the remotest hints of hooking up with Squalo yet. Facepalm is warrented).

See? Told you when I said I was going to update sooner (is very smug and is shot again).

Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 9**

When Filai turned twelve, Lussuria bought her a pet rabbit for her birthday. It ended up on Bel's dinner plate a few weeks later. Alive.

Not that she had been especially fond of bunnies, per se, but after the gruesome death of her first (and last, up to date) pet, Filai felt like a pretty bad pet owner, especially considering how _she _had been the one in charge of cooking dinner that day too.

Right now, approximately five years later, she felt pretty shitty too, a lot like that time, and that was just screwed up since it wasn't like Hibari was her pet rabbit, and it most certainly wasn't like Xanxus was going to _eat _him. Then again, it was Xanxus. You could never tell with him anymore, especially when he's grinning like the Grim Reaper chasing prey _after he lost his fucking title as 10__th__ Vongola boss_.

_Either he lost his mind, or he has something evil planned. _Filai winced as she tried to stand up, her injured leg collapsing on her again. _In any case, Kyouya should really go run for his life. NOT FUCKING CHASE AFTER XANXUS! DO ALL JAPANESE MIDDLE SCHOOLERS HAVE UNHINGED SENSES OF SELF PRESERVATION? I GET THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE TO REASSERT YOUR MASCULINITY AND ALL, because you really do look like a girl, especially at this angle, BUT STILL!_

Machine guns sounded. Filai spun around, only to have her head shoved flat to the ground.

_Ow, fuck. What's the big idea, you stupid son of a- _Filai stopped. "Yamamoto?"

"Ahaha, that was dangerous, wasn't it?" Yamamoto Takeshi said merrily, as if they weren't stuck in a field with bullets raining and dynamites exploding like there was no tomorrow. Catching her dumb look, he added. "It looked like you need some help."

She winced as the idiot teenager pulled her to her feet, benevolently mindful of her injuries. "Are you supposed to be here?"

"Hibari already won, didn't he?" Yamamoto pointed out, gesturing to where the resident rabid tonfa wielder was attempting in vain to pummel Xanxus. "The match is over-" Another mine exploded on cue. "And maybe we should talk about this later."

_And I'm agreeing with an imbecile. What has the world come to? _"Sure."

"Great. Come on."

Filai glanced at Xanxus and Hibari as Yamamoto dragged her along the rigged field. Hibari was doing surprisingly well, considering who he was up against. But then again, Xanxus wasn't attacking. _Because otherwise he'd be accused of treason against the main branch of the Vongola Family and sentenced to many ugly things. _

...she lost. Which meant Xanxus lost. Which meant...

"You alright, Filai?" Yamamoto asked, as they stopped before a stream of bullets before continuing.

"I don't feel very good." _I feel like throwing up. _

Suddenly, the sound of Xanxus and Hibari fighting stopped. Yamamoto and Filai turned around. Hibari was kneeling, clutching at the side of his leg, with Xanxus looming triumphantly over him.

_Did Xanxus attack him? The bastard seriously can't control his homicidal impulses, can he? Now what, he'll be accused of attacking the Cloud guardian and tried for..._ Wait, something was wrong. Xanxus didn't have his guns out. Did he cut Hibari with his hands? But there weren't any blood stains on his fingers, and they were standing way too far apart for Xanxus to pull off any close range attack.

"That robot thing's still alive." Yamamoto said.

"Robot? You mean Gola Mosca?" _Are you blind? You saw tonfa boy take it down- _Filai blinked as Gola Mosca, very much functioning, stood back upright and aimed its ammunition studded fingers with its remaining arm, right at Hibari. _You have got to be shitting me. WHERE DOES XANXUS GET THIS STUFF? _"Kyouya's dead at this rate."

Yamamoto hesitated, eyes widening in panic as he watched Gola Mosca about to fire again at the now virtually screwed to shit Hibari.

"Go help him."

"But you're still-"

Filai wormed her way out of Yamamoto's aiding grip, stumbling a bit but otherwise managing to keep her standing position. She sighed exasperately. "Honestly, what kind of retard goes around saving enemies instead of allies? You won't last long in the Mafia with that kind of idealistic mindset." _So don't screw with me and get your fucking head straight. _"Now shoo. I've got better things to do than being pulled around by you like a limp noodle."

Yamamoto actually had the nerve to laugh, albeit hesitantly. "Y'know, Filai. You're actually pretty nice, huh?"

She shot him a deadpan frown. "Of course. If-" _your nonexistent brain "_-you haven't realized yet, I hang out with some very unpleasant people. It's all relative, you see." _And move your ass already. You're an eyesore. _Quite literally. His goodwill was murdering her. Slowly, painfully, bit by bit. She'd rather be burned to a crisp by Xanxus than stand this kind of crap.

"Yeah, but still..." And the worm was STILL reluctant.

This was getting ridiculous. The brat really called for serious measures. Filai grabbed the unsuspecting teen by his shirt collar and dragged him down to her eye level (why was a fourteen year old that much taller than her? WHY?). "Hey, you know I'm really bad at fighting, right?"

"That's why I can't just leave you-"

"Everyone else in the Varia's really strong. They're always saying cool stuff when they're fighting, too. Like in those action movies, where the protagonist is like 'leave it to me. You go first.'" _Except the Varia say it with a lot more colorful vocabulary and whole lot less good will, but that's not the point. _"I never got to say stuff like that before. So now I'm telling you to go save your stupid friend's ass before he's killed and let me fend for myself before you and your utter stupidity gets the both of us killed."

Silence, expect for the bombs exploding and whatnot, but you get the point. Finally, Yamamoto said in awe. "Wow, you were actually kind of cool."

_What do you mean "actually"? _"...thanks?"

Filai didn't get an answer. "Be careful, alright?" Yamamoto called, already running over to Hibari, who was barely scrapping by with his life at the moment.

Alright, sure, she was cool for a moment. How nice, except she forgot one tiny, yet crucial detail; the tiny, crucial kind that was easy to miss, but at the same time so ridiculously important that life surely couldn't move on without it.

She never had chances to say cool stuff like "I'll be fine by myself so go save yourself." For a good reason. Because she _never WAS FINE BY HERSELF._

Except by the time she realized that, Yamamoto was already gone. Filai was left stranded with an injured arm and leg, in the middle of a battlefield where every step was a one way ticket to the afterlife.

She really needed to plan these things out more often.

Then something completely miraculous happened. Sawada Tsunayoshi appeared, in a flurry of smoke and flames. Five seconds. He owned Gola Mosca in five seconds flat.

Understandably, Filai stared as Gola Mosca stopped its ministrations, and exploded. _Holy..._

She didn't get to finish her thoughts. Gola Mosca's malfunction also had the detrimental effect of setting off almost all the rest of the explosives surrounding it. Considering how Filai was happening to be standing roughly two feet away from one...well, the results...they weren't pretty.

::::::::::

"Is she dead?"

"Idiot Tsuna. Can't you tell she's still breathing? Did you call for an ambulance yet, Dino?"

"I had my men get one. I don't know if they'll make it in time though. Her injuries are horrible. What happened?"

"Land mine jacked her up. She's already lost a lot of blood from the injuries that Hibari gave her."

"Kyouya, I thought I asked you to take it easy on her. She's a girl, you know."

"Shut it, Herbivore."

Filai opened her eyes. "Kyouya, your nicknames just get weirder and weirder the longer I know you." _Bite to death and herbivore. I don't know if you're just flat out perverted or you have some kind of eating disorder._

Her vision was blurred, but she could dimly make out many brats' faces, Dino and Reborn among them. Tsuna was there too, eyes wide with concern (damn you). Yamamoto and Gokudera were somewhere in the background, arguing heatedly. Maybe it was her imagination, but her body felt terribly pained. "W-where's Xanxus?" It might also be her imagination, but there was a very nauseating sort of coppery taste in her mouth too. Blood? Oh great, now she knew for a fact that she was nailed one way or another.

Tsuna answered apologetically. "He left, along with the rest of the Varia. Why?"

"Because he's my _boss._"

"...oh, right." He said nervously. "Um, Gokudera filled me in."

Five minutes ago...

"WHAT?" Tsuna all but shrieked. "FILAI'S PART OF THE VARIA? THAT CAN'T BE POSSIBLE!"

Yeah. Back to now

"You don't look very pissed."

"I'm not." He said hastily. "I'm sort of surprised and all, but I don't think you're really a bad person. It's not like you tried to hurt me before anyways." Guess he wasn't too annoyed about her spilling her piping hot coffee over him too many times to be called accidental. Not that she was going to remind him. "But that aside, you're in really bad shape. You must feel horrible right now."

She was, actually. "Because you realize that your good will's like radioactive poison for me, right?"

Pause. "Er..." Gokudera was the one pointing things out this time. "Actually, it's because you have a metal pole sticking through your ribs right now."

Another pause. Filai impatiently brushed it aside. "Well, alright, fair point. But I'm still vouching for the good will thing." _Your altruism is going to be the end of me some day- _"Wait, what?"

The twits exchanged nervous glances. "Filai," Dino began strainedly. "Can you not look down for a second?"

Being the obedient soul she was, Filai looked down. "Oh, I see." Silence. "WAIT, WHERE DID THIS POLE COME FROM?"

"Er, is that really the issue-"

"I DIDN'T SEE ANY STRUCTURE WITH THIS KIND OF POLE BEFORE! DID IT MAGICALLY APPEAR? DOES THAT MEAN THIS PLACE IS SOME CURSED SCHOOL WHERE RANDOM POLES COME AROUND AND NAIL UNSUSPECTING PEOPLE IN THE RIBS?" She was a little dizzy from blood loss, by the way. Just putting that out there.

To everyone's surprise, Hibari was the one who provided the answer. "It's from the underground water system." He muttered coolly, studying the bloodied up metal pole. "The explosions probably caused it to shift-" and what kind of understatement was that? "-from its original position." Hibari frowned, and added darkly. "They'd better pay for the reparations."

Filai raised an eyebrow. "So you have a school fetish." _That's not much better than an eating disorder, or perversion. _

Hibari glared.

Tsuna glanced at the two nervously. "Anyways, we have to stop the bleeding." He said awkwardly. "We'll have to pull the pole out first, right?"

That wonderful suggestion earned him a whack on the head from Reborn. "Can't you see the pole is the only thing keeping her from bleeding to death? Pull it out and she'll die within minutes."

"Then what do we do?"

_Are you guys stupid? _"Burn it." Filai supplied helpfully, and all attention was directed to her. She became defensive. "What?"

Reborn smiled. "You're a foul mouthed jerk, Filai. But you're right. Burning will do the job nicely."

_Fuck you._

Tsuna had his own objections, as usual. "But burning it would hurt so badly! She's already in enough pain as it is."

"Better in pain than dead."

Though as much as she hated to admit it, Tsuna did have a point. Filai frowned, as Tsuna shakily prepared a flame with...ironing gloves? Oh good god no. He was not going to touch her with that, at least, not without her high on drugs or something. Actually...drugs? "My leg..."

"What about it?"

"There should be a pouch tied to my left leg." Filai offered blankly. Dino unstrapped it, and showed it to her. "Yeah, that one." _So you can do something right after all. Lucky me. _"There should be some...some injections in there. Take the one with the blue label."

"What is it?" Dino asked, holding up the small injection in the dim light.

"Painkiller." She mumbled, and added as a response to their curious expressions. "There's snake poison in there, if you want to know. That and guts and liver. A dash a parsley, maybe. And potatoes."

Yep, now they were looking a little sick. "You're joking."

Filai rolled her eyes. "Of course I am. It's just a mixture of already existing drugs." _I can't believe you actually fell for it. Snake poison doesn't dull your nervous system, you fucktards. It stops it. _"It's an arm injection. Apply appropriately, please."

Yeah, she hated shots with a vengeance. Just like all good (little) kids did. But she hated having to feel being burned by an ironing glove even more, so Filai wasn't too pissed off when Dino stuck the damn needle into her arm. _Ow. I hate life. Oh jeez, just how many times have I said that tonight? _

She liked this special brand of painkillers; they work a lot faster than morphine, AND you don't get addicted to it as a side effect.

"Feel better?"

"Much." Like when she had one of those terrible migraines (no thanks to Bel and Squalo and their eternal battles going on at 3 am in the morning) fading into blissful nothing; alright, that description sounded a little like she died, but that wasn't the point.

"Alright, burning time."

_Huh? Fuck. _"Wait, it doesn't work that fast-OW! FUCKING SON OF A XXXXXXING XXXXX XXXXXX!" _XXXXXXXXXXX! DAMN YOU SAWADA TSUNAYOSHI! _Filai flinched as the piercing hot surface of Tsuna's ironing gloves (he'd make a very convenient househusband, armed with those things) easily eroded whatever effect the painkiller had managed to build within the short time.

Tsuna pretended to ignore the swearing. His image of Filai as a normal, laid back high schooler was really falling apart. "S-sorry, Filai san. It'll be over really soon."

"Don't say that." She muttered dully, deciding that struggling was useless. "You sound like you're going to kill me out of pity or something."

"You're a real pessimist, aren't you?"

"Taking care of six killer Mafioso (most of whom were older) for half you life does that to you."

"Yes, but-"

She scowled. "I had to pick up after _Bel. Imagine that._"

Silence. Tsuna gulped. "Point taken."

_About time. And you do realize that _"You should pay more attention when burning people? I think you're going to reach my ribcage at this rate."

That knocked him to his senses. With a startled yelp, he jerked his hands back (accidentally hitting an unsuspecting Ryohei in the face; ouch). Filai raised an eyebrow. "Sorry."

_Normally, I would say thanks for saving my life, but... _"You kind of forgot to pull the pole out of my rib."

"OH CRAP!"

With that, the second time went more successfully; 100 percent pole free, Filai was left to gingerly observe the marred, burnt skin covering a large fraction of her stomach. For the most part, it had stopped bleeding, but some blood still leaked from the broken cracks on the surface. Not a very pleasant sight, especially since it was kind of part of her body. _That's going to leave a mark or two. _"Um, can I...sleep now?"

"...sure?"

"Ah, okay." Filai said faintly, and _I...hate...life..._without another word, collapsed.

:::::::::::::::::::::

There were many reasons why Superbia Squalo disliked being stuck to a bed, not the least of which he was _stuck on a fucking bed. _If nobody could tell by now, he liked having his freedom of movement; not having it made him jittery, kind of. Except the word he'd prefer to use was restless, because jittery sounded like an adjective used for an ant or something, but jittery in this case actually worked quite well too.

So for once in his life, he didn't really blame Dino for being startled at his (over) reaction upon hearing the reason for the sudden commotion going on in the hospital.

"SHE WAS KILLED BY A METAL POLE? A FUCKING METAL POLE?" He all but screamed, his lungs not at all aching at the unusually strained effort. The lights rattled. Dino immediately clapped his hands over his ears. "THAT IS THE MOST PATHETIC THING I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!" Actually, the way he phrased it, it may very well be so.

"Filai's not dead. She's really badly injured though." Dino said, worriedly checking to make sure that Squalo's restraints were still intact. "The doctors said that-"

Oh, alright. She's still alive, barely. Mildly better? Yes? No. "SHE _ALMOST _GOT KILLED BY A METAL POLE? THAT'S STILL THE MOST PATHETIC THING I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!" Squalo retaliated without missing a beat. "HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GET KILLED BY A METAL POLE? SHE WAS FIGHTING THAT TONFA BRAT, NOT A POLE! THE POLE'S NOT EVEN ALIVE, GOD DAMN IT! IT DOESN'T FUCKING MOVE BY ITSELF!"

Yes, Squalo was an idiot. No questions asked.

"Voi, so what did the doctors say?" He muttered grudgingly, after finally calming down long enough to let Dino fit some words in.

"Well, I don't really know the details." Dino admitted. "But Filai's lost a ton of blood. Some of her organs were punctured, and most of them are non-essential, but her right lung was damaged pretty badly. She has a hard time breathing right now. That plus some of the other minor injuries she got from the match itself...To put it frankly, well, she's still in danger."

Right now would probably be the perfect time to act like a sentimental priss, and start crying or something. Except he was Superbia Squalo, fucking vice head of the Varia, most epic swordsman alive OR dead. Not some angsty teenage girl who broke down at her tenth ever rejection or whatever. Even if he was, it wasn't like he gave half a shit whether that creepy woman bit the dust or not. So naturally, he should by all means settle for a nonchalant "Oh well" and move on with life-

"Let me see her." Alright, maybe the angsty female side of him (that didn't exist) won out this time.

Dino was startled by the demand. "That's impossible, Squalo. You're hardly in any better shape. We can't possibly-"

"VOIII! I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU FUCKERS CAN OR CAN'T DO! I FUCKING SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON'T UNTIE ME RIGHT NOW I'M GOING TO MESS YOU UP SO BAD EVEN YOUR FUCKING MOM WON'T RECOGNIZE YOU!" Squalo screeched, struggling in vain against his restraints.

"Stop moving! You're only going to get worse at this-"

Squirming enough, Squalo managed to clip Dino at the edge of his chin, and within seconds, men swarmed into the room, and Squalo found himself at the end of many guns and sharp objects. Damn Dino and his overprotective family.

Slightly dazed, Dino quickly waved them off. "It's fine. He won't do anything." He said hastily, and Squalo bristled. The stupid bucking horse made him sound like a pet dog (though perhaps he's done enough on Xanxus' thankless behalf to warrant the comparison). "Er, well. Someone get a wheelchair."

One of his men, Romario, was it? Some shit like that. He spoke up. "For Squalo?"

"Yeah."

"But he shouldn't be moved around too much."

Dino sighed, running a tired hand through his mop of hair. "Yeah, I know."

And Squalo tried his very best not to look too hopeful. He compromised with a sullen glare. "Voi, what's with the change of heart?" Then, as an afterthought. "You're still too soft." There, safe. Not too femininely relieved sounding. Or grateful. God no, anything but that, ESPECIALLY towards the bucking horse fucker.

"You think?" Dino chuckled sheepishly as his men cautiously began to undo Squalo's restraints. "Well, maybe so. But it can't be helped in this situation. Just calm down after this, alright?"

"Che, no promises."

Five minutes and many broken ear drums later...

"...voi, Bucking Horse."

"Yeah?"

"I thought you said _she was alive_."

"Well, she is. I mean, just because she has a broken arm, and a damaged leg, and many other non life threatening injuries, oh, and four broken ribs, and a rather worse for the wear lung, it doesn't necessarily mean she's-"

"ARE YOU BLIND? YOU CAN'T GET ANY DEADER THAN THIS!" Squalo half heartedly glared at his comatose colleague, feeling very unsettled at the sight. Guilty, almost, except, well...

Damn, at this rate he'll turn into one of those very decrepit people found in soap operas made for housewives with no livable lives; the kind where the main character wallows in self hatred over the death of one person or another, despite the completely undeniable fact that it _wasn't his fucking fault. _

Yeah. This is what happens when a Varia member is kill-deprived for three days. As such, you can't blame them for being homicidal maniacs.

And Squalo HATED soap operas.

**CHAPTER END**

* * *

A/N: I'm happy with the review speed this time! That and I'm still being happy over the Varia's showing up again (though Enma and co are officially on my hit list now), so another few reasons why I decided to get a move on with this fic. I guess a few more chapters and the Varia arc'll end (finally) and everyone can move on with life. Anyways, I'm not going to threaten anyone, but reviews motivate me to update faster! So do so, foolish mortals! (gets shot; hey, I never said I wasn't mortal)


	11. Chapter 10

**A/N: **Another happily long chapter. Reason? The Shimon Family and the new arc in general is annoying me to very high extremes (to take from Ryohei), because no matter how epically awesome Tsuna and co. get, they will ALWAYS BE PAWNED BY ONE PERSON OR ANOTHER IN THE MOST CURBSTOMPING FASHION EVER! No exceptions. Just how strong can they get in the KHR universe? Not to mention the Varia, which is just basically being used as fodder for just about everyone. What happened to their epic "Varia quality" thing anyways? (sobs)

Anyways, because I somehow find writing to be very stress relieving I decided to type very madly and finish this thing in not so short time.

* * *

**Chapter 10 **

**Namimori Junior High, Sports Field**

For the record, Filai was not exceptionally well adapted to waking up in the middle of some crappy school, hooked up with IV needles and oxygen masks while not in a hospital, and lying rather helplessly on a hospital bed that was most certainly not in a hospital, dressed in hospital wear despite not being in a hospital and sporting many bandages and broken bones and organs and other items of hospital motif and (I might've not mentioned this before) not being _in a hospital, fuck!  
_

And there was a killer cyborg/tonfa pervert/school complexed freak of nature standing nearby. Also slightly injured and not in a hospital. That plus much bad mood just made things a little more unpleasant that they already were.

_He's cute though. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not, but he's cuter with his ax happy image than the Yamato Nadeshiko thing he had going before. Yamato Nadeshiko's supposed to be for girls though. The fact that he gave off that vibe before is implying unfortunate things for his masculinity level. _

Hibari glanced at her coolly, arms folded with tonfas dangling loosely in his hands. "So you woke up."

Filai shifted, pushing off the hospital blanket that was on a hospital bed that was not in a hospital as she tried to sit up. Her ribs still felt a little more than just sore, so she made extra sure not to tear herself a new breathing hole. She warily scanned the field. "Um, so there aren't going to be poles coming out of the middle of nowhere again, are there?"

In all his cold, murderously ice prince grace, Hibari deemed that unworthy of a response. Like almost everything else she said.

_Bastard. _Filai noticed that he was fixated on something on his wrist. From her distance, she could vaguely make out a small white watch strapped on his arm. Looking down, she found one tied on her wrist as well. It sported a mini screen, with—

_Oh my god, its Tsunayoshi kun and Xanxus. _The most unlikely pairing in the whole damn world. Yep, apocalypse time any moment now. She'd better get her legal documents sorted through as soon as possible.

"Is this...the Sky battle?"

Hibari shrugged offhandedly. "I don't really care."

"And I'll be taking that as a yes." _So stop sounding like you have a pole stuck up your stupid ass. That's my job. Wait, well, in the ribs instead. Damn, I really didn't have to remind myself about that. _Filai wondered if there was such a mental illness as metal pole-phobia. Oh shit, if Bel ever found out, he'll never let her live it down. "Hey, Kyouya. Tsunayoshi kun uses dying will flames too, right?" Again taking his non response as his quintessentially antisocial 'yes', Filai looked back down at her wristwatch screen. _If that's the case,_ _there's going to be a lot of dying will flames circling the area soon. Not good. At this rate—_

Something pinched down on her wrist. Hard. She blinked. It felt like an injection.

Fact #1: Filai was not immune to pain. But—

Fact #2: She's been living with maniacs with homicidal tendencies and vague gender distinctions for rough eight or so years, give or take a few months. And she survived it all.

Fact #3: Taking previous fact into account, she has relatively more resilience to pain than the average human being. That was why she was still conscious, despite not long ago being nailed by a metal pole. That was why she could still move around despite having numerous broken bones. That was why she was alive, despite being on the receiving end of electric umbrellas and killer robots and combusting hands and duct taped swords and peculiar knives. And everything in between. For almost a decade.

Really, it was.

Fact #4: Unfortunately, everything she's every gone through had absolutely nothing to do with poison immunity.

Fact #5: How coincidental! She just got injected with poison.

Conclusion: She hated the world.

Really, it wasn't all that bad. Sure, it felt like she was being burned/eaten/stabbed/skinned/chopped/_KILLED_ in the most excruciating ways ever conceived by humanity. Sure, it was kind of a sad thought that maybe the poison was expensive to make and that humanity in question devoted so much time and resource and effort to find new ways of killing each other (and when was morality ever an issue for her?). Sure, life sucked on a general basis and what did that even have to do with anything? And—

And...

Maybe it was that bad after all.

Those freakish Cervello ladies said something about the poison. What was the cure again? Ah, ring. Ring, the ring's on a tower, and the tower was tall and far and not breakable and...and...

Forget it.

_No! My legal documents aren't sorted through yet! My biology test! Plus I clearly stated in fifth grade that I wanted to die somewhere in a bloodstained corridor armed with a bazooka and a cup of coffee! Wait, I didn't even like coffee back then. How does that even make any se—_

A loud crash sounded in the background. A few seconds later, someone grabbed her wrist and pressed something against the watch.

Another prick. Filai blinked. The pain was gone. She looked up and found Hibari looming sullenly over her. Behind him was a pile of metal scrap junk. Filai blinked again. _Wasn't that the tower that the ring was on? _Then. _Holy shit. Kyouya managed to break that thing down? While infected by poison? _Her cyborg theory was gaining more and more validity by the second. _Never freaking mess with middle school kids ever AGAIN. _

"Thanks, Kyouya."

Hibari rolled his eyes and said disinterestedly. "It's just for the sushi."

"Are you saying I'm worth as much as sushi?" Before Hibari could agree wholeheartedly, Filai reconsidered things. "Then again, Bel always compared me to pizza. Sushi's more expensive than pizza, right?" Pause. Then, almost brightly. "So that means I have been elevated to a higher being of existence!"

And no, the Varia did not promote boosting of self esteem. Belphagor in particular. Just in case you're wondering.

"Useless." Hibari muttered, and began to leave.

_Don't call me useless! I can download illegal stuff off the internet! _Wait, Filai was already in an illegal organization. No, scratch that, the Mafia was by definition _the _illegal organization to end all illegal organizations. So the download illegal stuff via internet was actually not that impressive? Oh whatever. "You're leaving?"

"You don't expect me to stay, do you?" Tonfa kid replied shortly.

_About that. _"Well, I don't." Filai frowned. "But you're taking me with you."

"Oh? And says who?"

Pause. "Uh, says me? I mean, I'm not sure if you have bad eyesight or something, but I'm the only other person around here. Who else are you expecting to say?"

Hibari left.

Filai glared, but considering how its intended receiver wasn't present to receive it, it fell a little flat. _School complexed jerkass. _

Explosions vibrated through the air. If one fancied looking up, they would find to their viewing pleasure a pretty crescent moon, a beautiful starry sky, and Sawada Tsunayoshi and Xanxus duking it out via flying ironing gloves and guns powered by desire to protect friends and take over the Vongola family. Respectively.

The dying will flames were permeating all over the place.

Filai sighed and leaned back on the bed. _Just what I need. _

* * *

"Remind me again, baseball freak." Gokudera grumbled. He and Yamamoto trudged along the Namimori school grounds, injury inhibited and much worse for the wear. "Why the hell are we going to check on that stupid Varia woman again? When she betrayed Juudaime?"

"Come on, Gokudera. She didn't really trick Tsuna and purpose. Filai's not a bad person." Aforementioned baseball freak advised cheerily as they made their way towards the sports field. "She's funny too. Even her sarcasm's funny." Yamamoto laughed. "Well, I usually can't tell whether she's sarcastic or not. Hahaha."

Gokudera groaned, muttering something entirely redundant like 'stupid idiot' before reaching inside his pocket and pulling out the Cloud Ring. "Che, why can't that asshole just do his duty as a guardian and stop pushing his job on us?"

"Well, now we can heal Filai if we have to."

They reached the sports field, and saw Filai slouching on a rather out of place hospital bed. Not moving much.

Yamamoto and Gokudera quickly ran up to her. Her eyes were closed, breath slightly strained. She didn't seem to notice their arrival. "Crap, were we too late?" Yamamoto said worriedly, as Gokudera fumbled with her wrist watch.

"She's already been given the antidote."

"Really? She looks—" Yamamoto gently prodded her shoulder.

Filai opened an eye, and half heartedly gave him a sideway glance. "Oh...hello, Yamamoto." She said faintly. After another shaky breath, she muttered "What're you doing here?"

"We came to see if you're alright. But Hibari already healed you."

"...yeah. I'm surprised too. I guess...he really likes sushi."

Blink. "Sushi?" Then. "You're sweating a lot. And you don't sound very good either. Are you alright?"

She scowled as Gokudera and Yamamoto helped her to a sitting position, mindful of her injuries. "Dying will flames." Filai said bleakly, wiping sweat off her brow only to remember that her arm was loaded with needles. She irately pulled them out. Needles. Ick. "Not...the most beneficial thing for me. I'm used to...what Boss...what Xanxus usually gives out, but the..." She coughed. Much blood was involved, thank you very much. She was going to have to wash her hands later. "Tsunayoshi's flames. There are more flames in the...atmosphere than what I'm accustomed to."

Gokudera frowned. "You're weak to them?"

"Extremely." Was the dry response. "...and that's putting it lightly. It's...a...a family thing."

"Family. That's...weak to the dying will?" He repeated, eyes narrowing in suspicion. "Oi, you—"

Filai cut him off. "I don't want to talk about it." She said shortly, breath hitching as another wave of flame from one of Xanxus' attacks blasted through the air. "Learn some sensitivity, will you?" _Unruly little brat. I have a right to privacy!_

Gokudera seemed like he wanted to pursue the matter more, but Yamamoto cut him off. "We don't have time to talk here." He said hurriedly, bending down and scooping Filai into his arms. "We need to go check the gym. The Mist guardians." He added to Filai. "It's dangerous by yourself. So we'll take you there too."

_Mist? Marmon? So they found the wily little twit. _Somehow, it was a bit of a relief."Alright."

"Wait." Gokudera called. He tossed her some black article of clothing. Filai floundered slightly as she found herself holding a coat with the Varia insignia on the sleeve. It was her uniform. "It was under your pillow. I don't want you to look like you're one of us."

"Um, thanks?" _Fuck you. You should be HONORED, you bastard. _

* * *

**Gymnasium**

_So it's here? _They were standing in front of a large complex that would've been perfectly rectangular had there not been a noticeable chunk of the top corner missing. Courtesy of Xanxus, no doubt. The building and its surroundings were quiet enough; no sign of battle. Well, except for previously mentioned hole. That's not the point. No sign of battle as in, no enemy, and...

_No, that's not right. In the end, enemies are still Tsunayoshi kun and his guardians. _For the umpteenth time that night, Filai sighed, feeling her lung straining at the effort. _I don't like hurting kids, even if they are killer androids. Why is it my conscience always chooses to develop at very inconvenient aspects of life? _

Placing a hand on the door handle, Gokudera said hesitantly. "Be careful. We don't know if the enemy's been here or not."

"And since when was walking into a previous illusionist battle area called 'careful'?"

They readily ignored her, and Gokudera wrenched the door open. They stepped inside.

Filai automatically facepalmed at the sight. "Good grief, Bel. I never would've pegged you as the hostage type." _Or the perverted kind, for that matter. What happened to your "killing is perfectly fine replacement for sex" motto? That was one of the few redeeming points about you, you freakish little excuse for a prince. _

Bel's grinned widened exponentially, digging one of his strange knives deeper into the cheek of a young girl with an eyepatch on her right eye. She was currently being suspended in the air by Marmon. In a very awkward position. "Ushishishi, so you survived after all. And I'm not a pervert." He smugly pointed at Marmon. "He's the one doing the tentacle thing-"

"Yeah. Too much information." Filai snapped. "Thanks."

Marmon had begun negotiations (rings for scantily dressed girl, the usual). Filai took the chance to glance at her colleagues' little hostage. She was thirteen, around, dressed in a scanty green school uniform, and sporting a dark blue tinted, pineapple like hairstyle. _As I thought, Japan's fashion senses are just plain weird. _And that uniform. Oh god, Filai had never been so happy to be Italian.

The eyepatched girl weakly opened her visible eye. She stared back at Filai, and her brow seemed to wrinkle a little in confusion. Her mouth moved, something unintelligible spilling out of her mouth. Began with an 'M'. Mu? Mu something.

She said it again. Mu...sama? Mu sama? What the fuck? No, wait. Mu-ku-ro...Mukuro...sama?

_Mukuro? Mukuro, as in Mukuro Rokudo? _Filai was pretty sure that was the name of that famous escaped Mafia convict who had recently been plastered all over the frontline news. Now that she thought about it, the girl did have a faint resemblance to that man. It was seriously the hair. How many people in the world showed up at hair salons and presented the stylist with a pineapple?

Then the strangest thing happened.

Very suddenly, Filai was not stuck being carried by some idiotic baseball brat with an idiotic laugh and idiotically nice motives of utter idiotic niceness. She was not in a gym, watching her beloved (arguably not) associates threaten little kids with more little kids. Over shiny rings. She was—

—in some bright grassy field. With flowers. And trees. And flowers. And trees. And what the hell is this was she hallucinating again? Urg, those damn nurses at the hospital probably used morphine on her for painkillers! Shit, she didn't cope well with morphine. Shit, shit, shit as if it wasn't enough that she was already legally addicted to coffee!

Filai really wanted some coffee right now.

Then she realized that a man was sitting in front of her. As in, Mukuro Rokudo.

Great, first school complexed idiots, then baseball freaks and bomb bait/users, then crazy colleagues, and now a fucking serial killer wanted by the _MAFIA. _Life was a beautifully shittastic thing. Filai fought the urge to groan. "I thought you were locked up in the Vendicare."

Mukuro chuckled. Creepily, just like his hair. What kind of laugh was _Kufufufu_ anyways? "I am, actually. Not a very pleasant place, I must say. I don't recommend it."

"It's a prison. With water. It's not supposed to be pleasant." Filai deadpanned pointedly.

"Ah, touché." He clapped his hands together cheerfully. "Well, that aside, I assure you now we're not really somewhere I would call a corporal place. It's just a little land of my own, to pass the time while little Chrome chan runs around in the real world. Oh, Chrome chan is the girl who's at the moment being held hostage by your dear friends."

Filai twitched. "Very cherished colleagues."

"Acquaintances." Mukuro improvised.

She shrugged. "I'll accept that." Filai stood up, finding with some surprise that her injuries and the weight of the dying will flames were gone. Convenient. Made her not really want to go back to the so call real world, but like hell she was going to be stuck with a psychopathic lunatic in a dream world created by said psychopathic lunatic. She'd rather keep her broken ribs and lungs. And the remains of her lifespan. "So I'm guessing you're stuck in the body of this Chrome of yours?"

"Regrettably."

"She's a girl."

Mukuro's smile took a mischievous turn. "Not so regrettably."

Filai rolled her eyes. _Pervert. _

"Oh? I really beg to differ. It's perfectly healthy for a man to have interest in the standard female body." He said complacently, innocently unaware of the fact that she lived with gay and asexual assassins for the past decade.

And Filai would've really just smacked his head at the comment, if it weren't for the fact that- "Hey, you can sense my telepathic auras?" She asked perplexedly. "That's unusual. Most of the time it takes at least a week or so."

Resting his chin on his palm, Mukuro leisurely brushed aside his bang, which had been obscuring his right eye the entire time, and now it as gone, revealing a strange red eye with a black character hovering ominously in the middle. There was something disturbing about it, something just not quite...human. Unearthly, hellish, even, if she had to say, so Filai frowned, and automatically looked down, focusing on an exceptionally pink flower waving happily in front of her that in other circumstances she wouldn't have given shit about.

"A special ability?"

"Quite so, yes." Mukuro said. "Courtesy of my old family, which you actually might be familiar with." Seeing her questioning look, he added "Not that I'm going to tell you, though. You might be a little surprised."

Filai was irritated. "Heighten curiosity and then deny information. Classic asshole act."

"Your family had connections with them." Mukuro offered, smiling. "You are from the Viavideche family, am I correct?" His expression turned sly as he leaned uncomfortably close to her face. Filai backed away. "Only those from the main branch have that eye color."

Pause. Then. "The most girly shade of neon pink ever synthesized by _mankind THANK YOU VERY MUCH." _Filai groaned, subconsciously bringing a hand over to cover her eyes. "As if Squalo trying to use me as a flashlight when we first met _wasn't _enough of a reminder."

Mukuro was amused. "Oh, interesting. Did that work out?"

"I don't even want to answer that." Filai said bitterly, in a way that sort of meant _yeah, it did. Fuck you_. And don't think Mukuro didn't know it. "And I'm from the Varia. That's all."

A small chuckle. "You're not on good terms with your family?"

"There are no terms involved. I was dragged into the Varia when I was eight." Filai began thoughtfully counting on her fingers. "Let's see. I saw my mother five times, three of which were in the far distance. I talked to my brother twice. Oh, and I don't even know what my dad looks like." Thumbs up. "You call those terms?"

Mukuro paused a beat. He relented. "Point taken." He patted her sympathetically (fake! FAKE!) on the shoulder. "You poor thing. It must've been hard." He said with such fake kindness that Filai had to gag.

"One, not really. I was spoiled rotten. Two, please don't do that. The nice guy act doesn't suit you AT ALL." _Creepy does not begin._

Drawing back, he crossed his arms, a tad bit offended. "You could've given me some credit for trying." He muttered, almost irately.

_Che. _"And failing."

In a fit of sporadic wisdom, Mukuro chose to ignore that. He sighed, leaning back and balancing himself on nothing at all (well, it was his made up world; he takes playing house to a whole new level). "Anyways, I think I've had enough of your company for now." AKA I'm tired of you. At least he knew how to sugar coat speeches. The Varia could really use some lessons from the guy. He flashed another placid smile, and Filai flinched. "I just wanted to meet a member of the Viavideche family."

"You sound like you have a grudge against them."

Something flashed in his eyes. Something very sinister, that promised many bloody things and unprintable horrors that Filai didn't see quite so often, even in the gore strewn underworld that was the Mafia. This person was beyond the status of a simple murderer. Why was it she so suddenly understood why the Vendicare had gone through so much trouble to lock him up?

She felt a chill, and then looked up, and it was gone without a trace. Mukuro merely shrugged at her statement, relaxed and easy as ever. He closed his eyes, waving a dismissive hand. "Something like that." He flashed her another gentle smile, as soft and warm as hell frozen over. Behind his tousled bangs, his right eye flickered.

Filai blinked.

The trees and flowers and happy blue sky dissolved. The school gym came spiraling back into view.

The scenario was vastly different from before. Somehow, while Filai had been spacing out in Mukuro lala land, Yamamoto and Gokudera had managed to force Bel and Marmon away from Chrome. The former was aiming a katana at Marmon's neck.

_Wait, katana? _Filai was quite sure that Squalo's opponent had been a sword wielder as well. _Yamamoto was Squalo's opponent? _Pause. _YAMAMOTO WAS THE ONE WHO FED SQUALO TO THE FUCKING SHARK? HOLY SHIT ON A JUMPING STICK!_

Alright, issue number one. If Yamamoto's smile ever turns upside down, _get the fuck away from him. _Issue number two. Squalo was beaten by some stupidly naive middle schooler who couldn't tell the difference between joking and sarcasm (yeah, she was still a little bitter about the incident). She wasn't going to let him forget this. EVER.

Overreactions aside, Filai dimly wondered if she should do anything. Not that she could. Her injuries were back, and the flame concentration in the air was stronger than ever, but Filai was quite sure that just watching Bel and Marmon being held captive by two dimwitted school kids would leave a bad aftertaste in her mouth.

And Gokudera in all his paranoia was eying her like a bloodhound on crack, so maybe doing anything was pointless after all.

"Ushishishi." Filai looked to her side and found Bel crouched next to her, still grinning maniacally. "Don't look so freaked out now. It's already decided."

"...um, is that a good thing?"

Five seconds later, Gokudera and Yamamoto found themselves trapped in so call Varia quality illusions. Tentacles. Or, Filai was pretty sure it was tentacles. At least, Marmon liked them, but she really didn't need to know the details.

Bel noticed her confused expression. "Oh right, almost forgot. You can't see illusions, can you?"

"Eh? Oh." Filai reluctantly nodded. "Yeah." He was right. To her, Yamamoto and Gokudera looked like they were squirming and choking on nothing at all. They were in pain, she could tell that much, but... "No, I can't." She said, reluctantly looking away. Guilt was not a very convenient thing to have in situations like these.

Cocking his head sideways curiously, Bel peered down at her through feathery bangs. "Y'know, I never got that. I asked Marmon and he says it's a subconscious part of your mind that blocks them automatically."

_Che, so the prince can't handle technical terms now, can he? _"It means I don't have to actively block them. I just can't see them, whether I want to or not...it's like they don't exist for me." _And I always thought royalty was supposed to be smart— _Filai ducked as an array of knives were thrown at her.

Illusions. She didn't like them very much, so she hardly complained. _Though..._She lowered her eyes, absentmindedly putting a hand to her head. _I don't really know what it is that's shielding me from them. Talk about bad feeling. Maybe I'm cursed. Or missing a chunk of my brain. That's not good. I'm going to give myself nightmares again at this rate-_

"MAXIMUM CANNON!"

"What the-" Filai's head shot back up just in time for one of the gym walls to promptly explode. _The voice was from outside? That boxing kid..._

Someone grabbed her wrist. She was quickly pulled away just as the entire gymnasium shuddered under the impact, and promptly collapsed. Destroyed. Into a pile of rubble. What the hell?

When she finally regained her senses, Filai realized that she was sprawled unceremoniously on grass, a good way from the gym. Next to her, Bel was giving out an impressed whistle as he watched the building going up in smoke and debris. "Wow, that Sun kid leveled the entire place with one punch. Ushishishi. Even Luss couldn't have done it that quickly."

Rubbing her head where it had collided with the ground, Filai shot resident prince an annoyed scowl. "And...you should really be complimenting the opposite side?"

"At least I wasn't being babysat by them."

_Oh fuck you. _"And speaking of that...where's Marmon?" Filai looked around, and right on cue, Marmon came floating into view. He was a little lopsided, disheveled, and clutching six custom made Vongola rings in his midget gloved hands. She raised an eyebrow. "Nice handwork."

"Was that sincere?"

A shrug. "If you want it to be." _Nah, not at all. _"Shouldn't we go to where the boss is now?" _Ow! _Filai flinched as Bel roughly dragged her back up, supporting her rather carelessly. Her rib was bleeding again. _You royally suck shit. _

"Ushishishi. Not my fault you're as weak as a slug." He began hauling her after Marmon, who had begun floating off towards the back area of the school.

"I highly resent that analogy." _And I love you too, girly bastard. Or not. _"Hey Marmon." She called up front to their levitating senior. "So we're supposed to bring the rings to Xanxus?"

The little twit didn't even bother turning around. "I suppose you were unconscious during the announcement. Yes, the single requirement for winning is to collect all the rings."

"...then, he'll become the 10th, huh?"

And Bel just said something snarky, because he always had something snarky in that convoluted head of his. Filai didn't hear him very clearly though. _So then Xanxus will finally become the head. _She sighed. Somehow, during the Cloud and the Sky battle, she had been too preoccupied with scraping through alive. That and all the other things that happened, she almost lost track of the point of the entire tournament.

Or maybe it was because they've all be waiting for eight years. That it was this close to coming true was just...hard to grasp.

_That's good, isn't it? He's gone through more than enough. Xanxus will make a good boss. __I wonder what comes after that?  
_

A startled yelp jerked her out of her thoughts. Filai looked up in alarm, and found Bel's face right in front of hers, gawking with mouth semi open in a most ludicrous fashion. Teeth sparkled with no visible source of light. "Holy crap. Did you just smile?" He said in utter shock. "You seriously just smiled."

Even Marmon turned around to stare at her. "Did you hit your head on something hard by any chance?"

"What? Oh, I mean, it's just that..." She wasn't smiling. She wasn't. It was a completely neutral line. That was all. Why was it even though she was without doubt not smiling, she felt so hopelessly saccharine that she was quite sure she was going to make herself sick at any moment. "...Squalo...might be happy."

Silence. Filai found herself slightly startled by what she said. _Squalo? Why did I say Squalo? I was sure...I thought I meant...I was going to say Xanxus. Weird. _

Then.

"Though to answer your question, yes, I did hit my head on something." _Thanks to you assholes. _"Actually, I hit my head on a lot of things, now that I think about it. That can't be good."

Bel and Marmon immediately relaxed.

* * *

**(A/N:** A little side attachment. I wrote it beforehand and then realized that it was a little out of place in the main part of the chapter. I didn't want to throw it away though, so I tossed it in the back. Just something with Squalo and Dino being the old, happy schoolmates that they really aren't.)

**Meanwhile, at a hospital in the middle of nowhere**

There were not many things in the world that Squalo appreciated. They mostly fell into the broad categories of Xanxus and Killing, and he was quite sure Dino Cavallone suddenly deciding that his dear old classmate needed some serious talk about his (lack of) love life didn't fall in either of them. Simply speaking—

"Did you just tell me I need to get laid?"

Dino smiled awkwardly. "You really do know how to choose your words, Squalo." And misconstrue shit like there was no tomorrow, but that's irrelevant. "And what I meant was that I don't think that you acting like a frustrated teenager for the rest of your life is a very good thing—"

"VOI! I'M TWENTY TWO, YOU SHITHEAD!"

Twenty two and acting like some failure of _girl_. The moping kind you find in shojo manga, or (god forbid) _TWILIGHT, _and even Dino never would've associated the comparison with his madman shark of a friend until quite recently, when it became painfully clear that sparkling vampire fetishes and nicely groomed hair aside, Squalo possessed as much self awareness as a squirrel high on sharpie and white out and opium masquerading as painkilling tablets and _crap, _as a relatively outside observer, Dino just couldn't NOT feel sorry for the guy.

And following that unique line of thought, amid deafening rants of curses and death threats, Dino not at all suicidally deemed matchmaking intervention an absolute necessity and effectively shut Squalo up with a smile and concise "Um, so you like green hair?"

Squalo's reaction might've been halfway amusing, if Dino wasn't quite busy worrying about his life. His expressions varied, quickly, from blank, to, well, blank, to blank, and then to blank. Then more blank. And blank.

For a moment, Dino was almost afraid that he had inadvertently killed Superbia Squalo. Then Squalo (blankly) kindly warned him to start arranging for life insurance and sort out posthumous paperwork before he, in the very near future, takes a pencil and breaks his neck in half.

How strange. He took it better than Dino had intended to give him credit for. Eight years without Xanxus' horror influence did wonders, he supposed.

"Voi, Bucking Horse."

Dino looked up nervously, not sure whether to start preparing his coffin or just plain run for his life. Sure Squalo was at the moment tied and wrapped fit to mummify, but he was still Squalo; the guy had his ways of getting things done if he put his mind to it. Through any means necessary. "Y-yes?"

Squalo sounded so uncharacteristically quiet, and maybe Dino should call in some more men. Just for precautions. "Do you have some secret wish to be my fucking _mom _or something?"

"What made you think that? I'm just concerned that you're going to be very unsatisfactory with your life at the rate you're goi-"

"YOU SAVE MY FUCKING LIFE. YOU TELL ME TO GET A GIRLFRIEND! YOU EVEN TRIED TO COOK FOR ME ONCE!" And let it be known, that incident didn't work out too well. "GOD DAMN IT, CAVALLONE! YOU WERE THE ONE WHO GAVE ME THE FUCKING _TALK! WITH PANDAS! PANDAS!" _Also let it be known, that incident turned out even worse. Toiletries were involved.

Reserving a moment for a slight cringe at the memory, Dino amended sheepishly "Well, I thought you'd be offended if I used sharks. I was worried after you said Lussuria tried to teach you with skeletons, so..." His voice wavered as he caught sight of Squalo's livid glare. Swallowing hard, Dino began backing away. "Um, maybe you shouldn't exert yourself too much-"

"I'M GOING TO STRANGLE YOU, YOU SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!" Was the unruly scream and Dino had no choice but to deem his ploy a complete failure.

Not that he had been expecting much in the first place.

* * *

**A/N:** The usual. A little past revealed, encounter with Mukuro, Filai finally seeing Squalo as something other than the resident homogay shark. Oh, and no offense to people who like Twilight. I just find sparkling vampires very...peculiar. And if you want anything to look forward to, the Varia arc's finally ending next chapter. I swear, it will, no matter how long the chapter turns out, I WILL end this (which has been going on for more than a lovely year).

**WARNING!** Everyone should know that the end of the Varia arc was rather serious, well. Yeah, I think you people should be prepared for a little less crack and a little more...well, not angst, but just not too much humor. I got lots of reviews this time. As thanks/bribery, I'll (finally) be putting in more (more? What do you mean more? There wasn't any in the first place!) romance in the next chapter! Or, try (and fail) to, at the very least.

It only took me one year and more to finally get to that. Nothing big. At. All (shot).


	12. Chapter 11

**A/N:** WARNING! LONG CHAPTER !

The Varia Arc's end. After more than one year. Someone shoot me now (shot, as per usual; it's a routine thing now). It's not at humorous as usual, but the beginning and end have some. Hope nobody minds.

* * *

**Chapter 11**

**Namimori Junior High**

"We're going to drop you off near the observation area." Marmon announced loftily. "Regulations state that you can't enter, as a participant of the ring scramble. But—"

"Yes, the system's been connected to our server. No need to ask." _Sabotage galore! _Filai stumbled as Bel purposely screeched to an stop, almost knocking her over in the process. _Fucking prince. Can't you just walk like you're NOT high for once in your life? _"You're being oddly considerate today, Marmon. Did your fight with Mukuro Rokudo knock a few screws loose in your head, perchance?"

Marmon gave her a strange look. "How did you know that girl was Mukuro Rokudo?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You don't seem very happy."

"I suppose you can say that." _YOU try chatting with a perverted psychopathic asshole in a happy, sunny place with birds and trees and flowers created by said perverted psychopathic asshole who, by the way, made it more than clear that he wants me dead despite not being my fault that I'm related to my relatives. It's as bad as it sounds, alright? _

Bel and Marmon exchanged bemused looks. Bel grinned happily as Marmon shrugged. "Did the 'it' creature say something? Cause all I heard was blah, blah, blah. Ushishishi." Filai stomped on his foot. He didn't notice, and was about to make another snide comment when his voice was drowned out by another blast from the fight overhead.

Filai half gagged again as dispersed flames permeated the air. She shot the airborne pair a frown as she wiped her mouth on her sleeve. Thank god the Varia uniforms were made to be blood stain durable. Except—

"You know, the original idea was to get _other_ people's blood on those uniforms."

_Shut up. _

They were somewhere near the side of the school when Filai shoved Bel and his shitty support away from her. "I'm fine here." She said as she leaned against one of the building's walls, a hand pressed against her ribcage. It was stinging again, probably close to reopening. The doctors at the hospital obviously never heard of super glue. "Go find Xanxus already. The sooner this is over, the better."

"Noble, aren't you?" Marmon said dryly as Bel happily reveled in his newfound freedom that was not supporting the weak idiot that he wasn't quite fond of.

_Compared to you greedy bastard, I'm a fucking martyr._ "You've kept Xanxus waiting long enough, haven't you?"

"Muu, perhaps." Marmon murmured thoughtfully, convinced. He nodded to Bel. "Let's go."

_Ow, ow, ow, owww. _Filai slowly sunk into a messy sitting position, still pressed unsteadily against the wall. She watched the (_idiot) _infant and the (_idiot_) prince's retreating backs, and despondently checked her injury. She couldn't see past the fabric, but the hand she was clutching the wound area with was dripping blood all over the place. _I really need to wash my hands. _

Moving on.

No, wait. She couldn't move on. Damn it, she couldn't even move.

A cluster of footsteps crunched through the grass. They grew louder, before stopping very close to her. "Filai?"

That voice. That oh so very sweet and nice voice. _Of all the people in the world. _She raised her head to find a slightly shell shocked Dino Cavellone standing in front of her.

And Superbia Squalo, who was slouching bitterly behind him, covered with as much bandages as she had seen him last with. His wrists were bound tightly to a wheelchair, guns aimed ominously at his severely patched up head. The scene just called for shameless staring.

A moment of pause. Dino was the first to speak up. "Filai, I think you're bleeding."

"Yeah, thanks for noticing." Filai waved a bloody hand at him in confirmation.

The Cavellone boss was tentative. He seemed very embarrassed. "No, I mean your nose. Not your ribs."

Filai blinked. She put a hand to her face. Oh, so she was. "Ah, well." She said muffledly, pressing back of her sleeve against her nose. "I guess sharks are better make-up artists than humans." _The guns to the head don't help. Neither does the wheelchair bondage theme. I should've brought a camera. _"You shouldn't be that indecently (too cute to stand) dressed, Squalo."

Squalo scowled, slouching in his seat.

"It's highly inappropriate for you to be wearing so many bandages. It's too cute. That plus the bondage and gun to the head themes are too blatant, aren't they—?"

"Ow, fuck!" Squalo ignored her, wincing slightly. "I think the stitches reopened." Being the brilliant creature he was (not), Squalo tested his statement by stretching experimentally, effectively ripping the wound wide open. "Yeah, they reopened."He confirmed ingeniously. Calmly too, as if there wasn't blood rapidly soaking his bandages, spreading in messy spirals down the length of his neck, and past the layered white fabrics that outlined shades of his collarbone, down his coat, and his shirt, and—

SPLURT_. Shit. _Thud.

A prolonged silence followed. Then, Dino whispered in a most horrified manner, "Damn, Squalo. I think you just killed her."

* * *

**Observation Area**

"Are you alright?"

Filai didn't answer for a moment, still a little sluggish, both from blood loss and from having just woken up mere seconds ago due to said blood loss. Apparently all Dino had to do was show the Cervello her dead/dying body to convince them to let her into the observation ring, so here she was sitting cross legged on the ground, neatly squashed between Squalo and Dino, in the company of brats and doctors and baby hitmen.

She tilted her head towards Dino in a small nod. "I'm fine. But..." Filai drifted off, sparing a private glance to her side.

She couldn't follow Tsuna and Xanxus' actions easily; they were too fast. But every once in a while they would slow down, just seconds at a time, maybe to plan attacks, or to anticipate them. Whatever. That then she could tell that Xanxus wasn't doing too well. He wasn't losing, per se, but he wasn't really winning either.

As much as she didn't like the idea, Filai was starting to think that maybe she should've killed Sawada Tsunayoshi when she had the chance. She was well aware that she was fractionally nicer than the rest of the Varia, and the constant (and unwanted) reminders from her dear coworkers didn't help. But between the Varia and innocent little kids, the former still won out (they were cuter).

Well, whether or not she regretted things, there wasn't much a point in moping about chances long gone completely extinct. But Filai's only seen Xanxus lose once before, and the sensation she was getting right now was rapidly gaining some melancholy feeling that made her want to throw up very badly.

And then there was Squalo.

The man in question was watching the Sky Battle silently, disturbingly rigid, except for his eye retinas that flickered after every movement, chasing the flame streaked path that their fearless leader drew through the sky.

(why couldn't they just use permanent marker when they wanted to draw? It lasts a whole lot longer)

He reminded her of something. Filai absentmindedly tapping the edge of her coffee cup, staring down at the muddy reflection. She frowned. _That's...right._ _It'll be troublesome if Xanxus loses here. _

"He's not going to lose." Squalo suddenly said.

There was some strangely solid note of faith in his lowered. Filai lowered her eyes uncertainly. So that was where the nostalgia's coming from. _Because he's Xanxus._

Squalo shrugged. A tacit affirmation.

"That's...what you said eight years ago, wasn't it..."

That struck a nerve. Squalo's shoulders stiffened, real and prosthetic fists visibly clenching around the wheelchair's metal armrests. He didn't answer, and Filai was about to pull a forlorn withdrawal when he finally forced out through gritted teeth. "This time's different."

"Alright."

Squalo glanced askew at her, eyebrows arched skeptically. Or expectantly, perhaps. "That's it? No other bullshit to spit out?"

_You just don't know how to take what you get, do you? _Filai stifled a yawn; it'd stretch her injury too much otherwise. "Pretty much." She said mildly. "I guess I'll just believe you this time."

Then Sawada Tsunayoshi and Xanxus collided.

There was a flurry of flames. A sharp explosion rang as Xanxus and Tsunayoshi both crashed into the ground, all but splitting and crumbling and blowing up and virtually obliterating everything within a twenty meter radius.

"You best take some cover." Reborn called through the commotion, hand over his hat to keep the impact's resonating force from blowing it away.

Filai felt a certain sense of doom as waves of emitted dying will flames started blowing towards the spectator's area. _Yeah, great timing to get utterly fucked up—_

"Hey, you alright?" Dino kneeled down next to Filai who had suddenly assumed crouching defensive position; face buried in her knees, hands over her head, etc. It didn't hit him until the gust of flame radiation hit them. "Oh, crap. I forgot. You're—"

Deciding that spitting out a shitload of blood was _NOT _going to get the Cavellone off her case, Filai swallowed. Hard. God, that was nasty. She then muttered under her breath. "I'm fine. Piss off." And the guy wouldn't get out of her sight. Xanxus. She needed to see what happened.

In the center of the field, dust was still billowing thickly. Tsuna and Xanxus couldn't be seen, damn it. Xanxus. She had to see if he was alright, and—

Then the dust thinned.

A tall figure was hazily visible inside the cloud.

If she hadn't already been sitting, Filai might've just collapsed in relief. _Holy crap, I'm going to murder that guy once this is over. Not that the bastard cares if he gave his subordinates a freaking heart attack. Well, all the more reason to kill him. _

The field cleared out more. So did the problem.

Filai rubbed her eyes. She was hallucinating, wasn't she? That had to be it. _Why does he look so angry? Is something wrong? If it's something like he wrecked his favorite pair of pants, then I'm seriously going to run him over with a bulldozer. _

"Voi, don't look."

She looked at Squalo. "Pardon?"

Then all hell broke loose.

"GOD DAMN IT, WOMAN! JUST LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE IN YOUR MISERABLE LIFE! _DON'T FUCKING LOOK!_" Squalo strained against his binds, ignoring Dino's alarmed demands for him to stop. Filai stared at him confusedly, and almost instinctively turned towards Xanxus. Then he became nigh hysterical with anger. "DON'T TURN AROUND! GODDAMN IT, FILAI! CAVELLONE! KNOCK HER OUT OR SOMETHING!"

"Eh? What? But..."

There was something truly desperate in Squalo's voice now. It clung and clawed, and when was the last time he had sounded like that? Just once, long time ago. She sort of knew when, actually, and she didn't want to think about it. "FUCK, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO! JUST GET HER AWAY FROM THIS!"

"...yeah." Dino gently took her wrist. "Squalo's right, Filai. You shouldn't see this."

_Squalo used to slaughter people right in front of me. So what's your problem? _

And Xanxus was fine, wasn't he? He was fine, and standing, and...just, fine. He—

All but screamed bloody murder.

Dino and Squalo might've said something else. Really, they must've of. But Filai ignored them. She turned around.

Squalo had told her something before. Eight years ago. Something like how Xanxus was unstoppable, and how him being Xanxus just automatically made him the highest power in the entire universe. Something like that.

"Fuck." Squalo muttered strainedly. Defeatedly. "I've never seen him this angry before."

It didn't really work out in the end.

He said it again this time. He shouldn't say that kind of thing anymore. It was probably a jinxed phrase. It was jinxed, wasn't it? That was why this happened again, even though the Ninth should've been the only one who knew that technique. Even though Xanxus was freed only not so long ago. As if he hadn't lost enough of his life already.

Filai clutched at the nearest thing her hand touched. One of the metal poles on Squalo's wheelchair. Iron pole? Just what she needed. "I-I feel sick."

"Do you need to throw up?"

"W-wha? Throw up? No, I-I don't need to..." She needed to. And she did, all over Dino's shoes, in fact. She'll buy him a new pair later, if she ever remembered. He'll have to remind her. She couldn't possibly think straight enough to commit that to her long termed memory. "So...rry."

Dino didn't mind. He said so. What a nice person. She suddenly appreciated Dino infinitely more so than usual.

_It's alright. _Holding her breath, Filai stole another weak glance at Xanxus. _It's alright. I'm just overreacting. It's just his hands. He can't evoke his flames anymore, but...but he's not trapped in..._

It got worse from there.

Tsuna was standing in front of Xanxus. His expression was set determined as he lifted his gloved hands towards his opponent's shocked face.

"Tsunayoshi kun...he can't be serious..." Filai felt that perhaps crying like an absolute idiot would be appropriate, but she didn't. Crying was for absolute idiots, so she opted for staring, still like an absolute idiot, and perhaps crying might've been better. It was hard to see with crying. The tears tend to blur the vision, you know? And she didn't want to see Xanxus being frozen again, when his red eyes widened in mad hatred and anger as the unmelting ice crept up his body. Not even fear. Even now, he wasn't afraid. A fearless bastard who hated everything and destroyed everything he hated. Xanxus in a nutshell.

And he was frozen again. For god damn good.

"LET ME OUT OF THIS SHITHOLE!" Squalo struggled angrily in vain, as Dino's men looked at their boss hurriedly for help.

Dino rushed over to the raging swordsman. "Stop it, Squalo. You'll only hurt yourself at this rate!"

"FUCK YOU TO HELL! LET ME GO!"

"Filai, where are you going?"

"Out." Was the short, extremely bad moody reply as she stormed over to the laser mechanics. Before anyone could enlighten her that there were in fact, fucking lasers ready to vaporize her on contact, Filai gingerly turned them off.

Reborn was suspicious. "How did you do that? Those machines should be under Cervello control only."

And yeah, he had a right to be suspicious. _Because we sabotaged the mechanics. Like hell I'm telling you that though. _After stepping out of the box, Filai clicked the lasers back into place. Because modern technology was a beautiful thing to behold.

"Because I'm smart. And no, I'm not taking you with me, Squalo." She interrupted as Squalo angrily opened his mouth.

"Fuck you, that's not what I was going to say!"

"Well then, what?" She said impatiently.

He was incredulous. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO?"

Filai winced. With all the explosions and screaming and whatnot, her hearing sensitivity was at an all time high. "Isn't it obvious?" When the look she received was a clear 'fuck no', she sighed. _Idiot. _"Sawada Tsunayoshi kun." She said. Simple and clear. That, and she was in a bad mood. That was all there it was to it. Filai sighed tonelessly, running a hand through her curtailed hair to smooth the bangs out of her sight. "I'm just going to go and kill him. That's all."

Too bad Dino didn't notice his own gun was missing until it was too late.

Ah, they caught up. How nice. Now that was that, Filai observed them, amusedly, or perhaps they would say malevolently. Maybe both? Well, she did, and just watched as a horrified Dino ordered his men to, quite plainly, stop her.

Or if you want a more poetic, proceed to turn her to Swiss cheese. They could do that. Bullets are quite scary.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." Was the deadpan advice "Those equipment are pretty advanced. They sense any firearms being used inside and they'll blow you all to kingdom come. Of course, I wouldn't mind, but I left Squalo in your care, and I'm already in a very bad mood. If Squalo dies, then I'll be in something worse than a bad mood."

Of course that was a lie.

The machines only exploded if someone tried to destroy them. Idiot people, there wasn't any kind of technology in the world advanced enough to react on bullet heat from so many feet away. But it worked quite well. They lowered their guns, sporting terribly unhappy expressions, the unsportive people they were.

They say that there was a fine line between pissed beyond sane reason and plain homicidal. An invisible fine line, if she might add.

Tsuna was sitting wearily on the ground, panting heavily. He looked up weakly as Filai stopped in front of him, his brown eyes soft and doe like as ever. "F-Filai san?"

Her finger absentmindedly flickering the safety switch of the gun behind her back. On, and off. On, and off. On, and not off. "Yo, Tsunayoshi kun. Congratulations on your win. I'm impressed."

"Eh? Oh." He shot an impudently pained glance at Xanxus' frozen body not too far away from them. As if he was in a position to feel sorry for Xanxus. "You-you're not angry? I thought that..."

"What are you saying, Tsunayoshi kun? I'm very angry." Was the short response as Filai gingerly sat down next to Tsuna's fallen form. "I love Xanxus very much, after all." Then, as an afterthought "Platonically. Always platonically. Do I even have to add that anymore? Hm, I should. Just in case you get the wrong idea. I don't like it when things become unnecessarily complicated, and misunderstandings tend to do that very well."

Tsuna was starting to look cautious. "Are you sure? You're acting very strangely." He mumbled. "I feel like there's some kind of bad feeling coming from you."

How rude. "Really? What feeling? I can't tell at all, so you should tell me. It'll be like fortune telling, except, well, not fortune telling." She contemplated things puzzledly. "Did that even make any sense?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I really don't know—"

Tsuna stopped. Dead.

"Don't get me wrong, Tsunayoshi kun." Filai leaned back, one arm propped taut against the ground. The other pointed the gun at Tsuna. "It's not that I don't like you. When you're a wimp, you're cute. When your forehead's harboring dying will flames fit to kill, then you're kind of cool. But then you decide to make Xanxus suffer even more than he already had, and then that's just-"

"I'm sorry."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm sorry. That I took your boss from you." Tsuna mumbled. There was genuine sorrow and guilt in his eyes, the kind that Filai's never really seen before outside of movies and TV dramas. "I guess I won't be able to understand why you follow him, even though he treats you so badly. But I know he meant a lot to you! And I know that...it's painful for you. I'm really sorry."

Skeptically, Filai raised an eyebrow. "You sure you're not saying this because you've got a gun pointed at you?"

His cheeks reddened, and suddenly he was just normal cute Tsuna. That kid she spent hours pounding chemical formulas and scientific facts in, verbally abusing, reducing to babbling tears; cute and sweet, being his ever so fumbling little self. Where did that barbaric thing go? The one with the ironing gloves and the burning forehead.

Filai almost lowered her gun.

"Well, I guess I'm scared of that too." He admitted, embarrassed. "But you're still my friend. I never wanted to hurt your feelings."

Filai stared at him in complete awe. "My. God. You little twit. Just how many," She raised her gun. "fucking dramas," Tsuna's eyes flashed in fear. "DO YOU WATCH," Then they eased into sad resignation. Acceptance of death, it appeared. Such a stereotypical Mafia boss trait. Pity the few who displayed it didn't live very long. "ON A DAILY BASIS?"

She pulled the trigger.

_Click._

_Click. Click._

_Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click._

Pause. "No bullets."

Another pause. Tsuna slumped in dumbstruck relief.

_Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click._

"Eh, Filai san." Tsuna said hesitantly, voice trembling so badly that she could hardly make out his words. "Wh-what are you doing?"

She shrugged, finger still pulling away at the empty gun's trigger. "Calming myself down" _Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click._ "Listening to empty guns do wonders for the temper." _Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click_ "Plus its fun." _Click. Click. Click. Click. _"You should try it too sometimes, if you ever get overly pissed. Just make sure the police don't catch you."_ Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click._ "I think it's illegal to hold firearms, even empty ones, around here."

Tsuna was reluctant. Then he asked. "Were you really going to kill me?"

She stopped pulling the trigger; her fingers were hurting too much. Filai didn't answer for the moment, before setting the gun down next to her. "Even a partially trained assassin can tell the weight difference between a loaded and unloaded gun." She finally said.

His eyes brightened.

Filai treated him with an exceptionally psychopathic look of amusement. "But I didn't notice it at first. I initially had full intentions of killing you." It was cute, how fast Tsuna's cheeks paled like chalk. "Sorry, Tsunayoshi kun." She was apologetic for once. Authentically so. How rare. "I showed you an ugly side of me."

"Aw, so you snapped? Too bad we missed it, Ushishishishi." Belphagor called from behind her, hobbling a little. Still had that irking stride of a noble. It must've been an innate thing; if that were the case, she was glad the rest of the family was dead. "You don't wanna go nutty and kill the Sawada brat anyways, do you?"

Filai irately fired her empty gun at him. _Click. _"Where's Marmon? We need to..." She glanced at Xanxus again, grimacing at the sight. _What are we going to do with Xanxus? _

"Melt him."

Marmon came floating into view, just being his ominous, baby self. He was holding out the six Vongola rings in his hands. "The preparations took some time." He said, floating towards the boss. "I did some research. This is the Zero point breakthrough ice." Behind him, Bel gleefully swooped the Sky ring from Tsuna's neck. The other six rings began glowing in Marmon's hands. "If I am correct, then the Vongola rings hold the capability to melt the ice."

One, Christmas came early. Two, _Marmon, I love you. Fucking marry me. _"So Xanxus will be alright?" Crying tears of happiness would also be appropriate in this situation. Filai opted for devising plans to forge Marmon's signature on the marriage certificates.

The rings' glows eventually spread to the ice covering Xanxus' body. Slowly, but surely, the ice began to melt. It gained speed as it spread downwards. Within a minute, Xanxus was completely unfrozen. He laid sprawled on the ground, a bloody wreck, and nonetheless alive and, good god, unfrozen.

And as much of a selfish asshole as ever.

"T-The ring." He spat hollowly, blood spilling out of his mouth with every word. "Give...it."

_He's still a complete, bastard! I never thought I'd be that happy about it. _Filai knelt next to him. She smiled, not cheerily but it was getting there; a little wavily too, since defying gravity properly took much practice. "Don't strain yourself, Boss." She pressed her hand against his shoulder as Xanxus painfully attempted to sit up. "Bel has it."

The prince skipped over, the Sky ring dangling precariously at the edge of one of his knives. "Here you are, Boss. Fresh from that shitty brat's scrawny little neck." Xanxus lifted his hand up, and Bel slipped the ring onto their leader's scar strewn finger.

Much glowing, and much laughter. All there was that came with inheritance of epically proportioned powers.

There was a flash of light.

And then the ring rejected him.

Filai blinked as Xanxus' blood suddenly scattered in the air.

"...Xan...xus?"

He collapsed, breath heavy and harsh, his entire body racketed with agonizing coughs that splattered blood and spittle everywhere. The Sky ring slid from his hand.

_Son of a...oh shit, Xanxus? _Filai didn't know what to do. The ring, why did it...? Her eyes narrowed at the blood strewn all over him. Blood. No, this wasn't cute. This wasn't cute at all.

Marmon and Bel were in similar states of shock. Behind them, Tsuna stirred feebly. "The ring rejected him." He murmured softly, straining to keep his half lidded gaze on Xanxus' torn person. "It rejected his blood."

Xanxus laughed. Hysterically. Never mind that he was tearing himself apart, or that he was giving his entire squad the fucking creeps, or that he had just been so call "rejected" by the only thing that deemed him the successor of the Vongola crime empire. He just laughed, and kept laughing like the lunatic he is until the shabby remains of his lungs nearly gave away, leaving him like fucked up waste gone wrong.

"Yeah, just as the fucking brat says." He spat, blood spraying. "I don't have the fucking Vongola blood. I have no blood relation with the senile old shit whatsoever!"

Senile old shit. As in, the 9th. He was Xanxus' father.

His father...

Something clicked. His...father. Xanxus' father.

His...adopted...father.

And then hell froze over.

Well, no it didn't. But it very might as well have.

Unlike many, Filai didn't need an improbable amount of time to register the fact. This was just it. Xanxus couldn't become boss anymore, no matter what kind of holy divinity in the world interfered. Forget the rival candidates, who he could just kill (he did). Forget Sawada Tsunayoshi and his bratty guardians, who he could also kill. Forget the tournament, which he can rig and win (well, the rig part he did quite well), and damn it even forget the ice thing, which he can apparently MELT. Which he did. Twice, apparently.

Xanxus couldn't change his blood. Never. Ever. It wasn't going to happen. It never will happen. It was just straight and flat resignation of eight entire years of being blocked in a slab of ice come to waste, and fuck, did it put a damper on the already screwed mood.

Nobody in the Varia took it very well.

* * *

**Three Days Later, Namimori Hospital**

_Sure, just make fun of me and get it over with. _Filai squirmed in her hospital bed (which was, thankfully, in a hospital this time), glaring daggers at Squalo. Of all people to visit her. _I fainted. Like a bloody wimp. For three days. Alright, yes, I'm a wimp. Rub it in like the dick you are. God knows you've done it enough already. _

Squalo snapped irately. "Voi, just because you're fucking embarrassed, don't go shoving it on me!"

Filai bristled, before folding her arms crossly and indignantly avoiding eye contact. "Fine." _I'll let you win this time. Be grateful. _

They fell into an awkward silence. Hesitantly, Filai inclined her head to take a peek at Squalo. Finally, grudgingly. "Are you...alright?"

"Of course I am. Who the fuck do you think I am?" Squalo, being his Squalo self, had already graduated from (bondage!) wheelchair to crutches. His face was still ridden with bandages, though less heavily. His right arm had healed. His left was still trapped in a cast, sword-free prosthetic hand hanging limply at the end.

Damn him and his inhumane healing speed. Filai had barely recovered from anything, not even the scratches on her face.

"That's because you were fucking running around the entire school like a lunatic." Squalo pointed out generously, as if she wasn't exactly aware of that herself. "You nearly split your rib injury halfway across your stomach! How the fuck do you expect to recover from that in three days?"

_I could always hope. _"Alright, so you told me everything that happened after I was unconscious." _You guys set fifty Varia members on a bunch of teenagers. You ARE bastards. What's more, you FAILED. _"So why are you still sticking around here? Lonely?"

"You wish." Squalo snorted at the baseless accusation, glancing askew at the lavish decoration of flowers overflowing from Filai's bedside table. He frowned as he read the tags. _From Dino, from Tsuna, from Yamamoto. _He grimaced at the last name, and busied himself with forcibly shoving the bad memory out of his head.

"Are you alright?"

"Are you stupid? You asked me that ten seconds ago."

"I'm not referring to your injuries this time."

Silence. Squalo uneasily slouched in his seat. His prosthetic hand busily twirled strands of his hair around his finger. "I don't get it."

"You knew that Xanxus wasn't the 9th's real son." She stated, unsure. "You could've only found it out during the Cradle Affair, right?"

"So?" Squalo spat.

Filai frowned, well aware of the darkening tone in his voice. She persisted carefully, innocuously preoccupying herself with picking at stray threads in her blanket as she did so. "You should've told me."

"Why?"

"I could've helped."

"What the hell could you have done?"

"I don't know."

"You're being an idiot."

"Was it painful?"

Squalo's shoulders shifted abruptly in a barely controlled flinch. Unsurprisingly. The only thing worse than salt on old wounds was salt on reopened old wounds. Freshly so, with the blood still spilling in cracks and places. "What are you getting at?"

"You were the only one in the Varia who knew." Filai said, picking idly on the peeling green edges of her biology book cover. Shimmery plastic dye fluttered off, coating her fingertip. "Even though it would probably hurt you more than anyone else. It's ironic. You know, Squalo. I think maybe I should become a psychologist instead."

Squalo kept his gaze down, still half heartedly. He muttered with forced disinterest. "You decided on biology when you were ten. Why'd you change your mind in, what, five minutes?"

"I'm not good with situations like these." Filai stated, shoving her book away defeatedly. It slipped and fell messily onto the floor, pages bent and smeared against white tile. "You know, Squalo. After Xanxus was frozen, you carried a very abysmal expression for a long time."

Squalo didn't answer. It didn't mean he wasn't listening though. He shifted and shuffled in his seat, uncomfortably, at all the right times.

"It kind of reminded me of the expression you always had before you met Xanxus. Only worse, because at least back then you had your convoluted ambition to go and slaughter every swordsman alive. It wasn't much, relatively speaking. But it was something. And then..."

He didn't need to hear the end. They both knew it. Then Xanxus was frozen. A sad story. Nobody wanted to finish a sad story if they knew it was coming.

Filai propped a knee, precariously balancing her chin on her palm as she studied him. "I wasn't sure what to do at that time. I thought that it'd just come to me some day, but eight years later the same thing happened again and now it did and nothing really changed. It's depressing."

"So that's why you want to be a shrink?" Was the toneless statement.

Not a career that she had ever seriously considered, truthfully enough. "I'm not a natural at comforting people." _It's a byproduct of living with the most insensitive humans on Earth for almost a decade. You should try it sometime._ "I can't learn it myself—"

The chair legs screeched unseemly against the tile floor as Squalo stood up abruptly. Ignoring the blank look he was receiving, he leaned over.

"What are you—" She had no way of seeing it coming.

_CRACK._

He slammed his forehead against her, force full and blunt and holy shit did it hurt. It was a miracle she didn't faint again.

"There." Squalo said plainly, voice easily rising over Filai's mad stream of swearing as she painfully clutched her bleeding head. "I feel better now."

"Wha...what in the...?" Filai sputtered, in too much shock to formulate a full sentence. She opted for floundering hopelessly in place, unsure as to how to make the extent of her bewilderment fully clear. _What the fuck was that?_

"Stress relief." He snapped with ill placed triumph, as if his head wasn't also trickling blood fashionably down his face. "And I do not need a fucking dork of a shrink with a PhD framed in his office for stress relief."

The sheer idiocy of the statement was enough to unhinge any trace of rational that the (completely unwarranted!) head ram had failed to knock out in her mind. "Squalo, you can't dismiss years of (effeminate) moping as merely 'stress'—"

"FUCK OFF." Squalo snarled, eyes flashing dangerously, evidently pissed at god knows what as he furiously shoved a tissue in her face. A weak attempt at reconciliation, perhaps. "AND YOU ALWAYS THINK YOU'RE _SMART? _DON'T FUCKING MAKE ME LAUGH!"

"What does that have to do with—"

"DID YOU NEVER CONSIDER" He continued. "THE GOD DAMN POSSIBILITY THAT IF YOU _WEREN'T _FUCKING THERE, I'D TURN OUT EVEN _WORSE?" _

Filai opened her mouth, reeling for a counterargument, and realized that for once, she had absolutely no viable comeback in mind. She couldn't even _think _straight anymore, and she was beginning to suspect that half of it wasn't the head butt's fault.

"I don't give a shit if you quit biology." Squalo imperiously pointed a rude finger at her, the tip a threatening inch away from her nose. "But if you take psychology as your fucking major in college, I'll break your fucking neck in half."

Filai stared at him, wordlessly, for the very longest time. How strange. She was sure that her aesthetic tastes were innately confined to blood and gore and matters of the psychotic sort alone. Nothing wrong with her tastes of course, personal as they were. But why was it Squalo suddenly seemed that much more attractive than normally so? As in, less as a homicidal crackpot of an assassin and more as a...just a person; a member of the opposing gender, to be more specific. Was it the bandages? No, it wasn't the bandages. It wasn't the blood either. Funny. She's known him for nine years and she's never really noticed how handsome he was beyond those killer faces he had habits of putting up. Was her eyesight getting better or worse?

She spun away uneasily, forcibly directing her attention the blank wall on the other side of her bed. "I-I'll stick to biology." She gave in reluctantly, or was it embarrassedly? "So make sure you get hurt a lot, so I have a reason to patch you up more often. Go, I don't know, pick a fight with Xanxus or Bel every now and then. I don't want to waste my life in med school for no reason."

Squalo contemplated things.

Hey, sounded good to him. He grinned the shark grin.

* * *

**Omake**

Filai had accidentally smeared a copious amount of blood on her homework once before, when she was in elementary school. Filai couldn't remember if it was hers or not, but either way she had turned her homework in without noticing the stains. Consequentially, Milan obtained a new replacement staff in its social welfare's child abuse sector.

Or, more like, Filai's teacher called the police after seeing the blood. Squalo was subsequently arrested despite being wholly under aged_(_since technically he was the closest thing she had to a legal guardian at the time), dragged to the government offices dealing with domestic abuse, and was so rudely manhandled that he lost it. And slaughtered the entire staff. Without a sword. No, in fact, with a safety pin and three paperclips. And the receptionist's nail clipper (the guy wasn't going to need it anymore). And the lobby's fish tank, which became home to more than just fish.

Actually, Squalo took the fish. Lussuria had one less person to cook for that night.

After that incident, Filai washes her hands a lot.

* * *

**A/N:** First things, for anyone who wanted to see Filai's reaction to the scenes in the manga after she fainted, I apologize. But Squalo confessing that he knew everything about Xanxus' past was seriously one of the very touching scenes in the manga. And I just didn't see the point of ruining it by putting Filai at the sideline making snide comments the whole time (snide comments or just being like "holy shit holy shit holy shit the armagaddon has arrived", which isn't much better).

Second, the Future arc isn't here quite yet. I was going to put her family business AFTER the future arc, but 1) I guess people want to know about it now and 2) the future arc's fucking long, and 3) without family thing, she'll just be a lump of person being shoved around like an idiot during the future arc.

Third, sorry about the slightly longer update. It was the end, I wanted it to be good (or at least scrappy decent). Sue me (is sued). Damn. Oh, and did anyone catch the romance?

(review? Cause this chapter was evil/slightly serious and I'm not sure if it suits people's tastes as much as usual)

Thanks for reading!


	13. Chapter 12

**A/N:** I blame the late update on writer's block and summer homework. On a side note, I ended up making a very big change of plans on this story. Uh, I'll elaborate on that at the end of the chapter.

And is it me, or are these chapters getting sappier and sappier? (facepalm) Must insert more crack somehow. The seriousness is becoming overwhelming! Otherwise I might have to resort to shitty omakes to preserve the light humor. DON'T HURT ME!

* * *

**Chapter 12**

There were many things about Mukuro Rokudo that one needed to know to scrap through with limbs attached and lifespan only shortened minimally (as in, twenty years if you're lucky) after an encounter.

He was scary. Likeably evil and evilly batshit insane; nightmare fuel personified, if you wanted to reduce him to a mere string of letters and words and fanfiction galore. He's been to hell and back, bearing a pretty red eye that laid bare all the fears in the world and then shoved them in your mind like applesauce being channeled through an IV needle into the tongue. And you know what? He'd be smiling during the whole process. Smiling the sweetest smile that could reduce any girl into a puddle of swooning blob while he figuratively and not so figuratively picked your brain apart and packed them for Ken to lick up next morning.

Point was, creepy eyes and unique hairstyle aside, Mukuro took badass to a very high level.

And he also hated Sawada Tsunayoshi.

Which was why a Mukuro Rokudo _voluntarily_ arriving at the Sawada household with the generic slasher smile on that pretty face of his was the mother cue of all cues for Tsuna to get the _fuck out of the country_.

That was probably what the poor thing was planning to do too the moment he opened the door to find his psychopathic Mist guardian standing on his front porch. Until Reborn decided that it wouldn't do for the future Vongola boss to be afraid of his own guardians and proceeded to beat the living shit out of his student and place him on the couch with restraints fully utilized.

Gokudera wasn't too pleased. But as he was busy being dangled from the ceiling via ropes and chains and all manners of torture devices, he was in no position to complain.

Yamamoto smiled happily and stupidly.

"S-So, Mukuro." Tsuna tried and failed to ignore the prickly sensation of doom down his spine everytime he was forced to make eye contact with his surrogate guardian. He squirmed, and squirmed some more, and finally Reborn dropped a vase over his head and he all but shrieked "You wanted to talk about something?"

Mukuro pressed a finger against his temple, head shaking wryly. "I still cannot fathom how I actually lost to you, Vongola."

Reborn smirked. "You and everyone else and their dogs to boot." He said, and Gokudera was being as unhappy as fanatical right hand men could get. Such a shame he was being ceiling decoration at the moment. "So, what's your business? I doubt you'd be paying a visit to Tsuna's house for any petty reason."

"Straight to the point, as always, Acrobelano." Mukuro murmured, trademark _kufufufu _sounding ominously as he shoved his chin on his palm. He studied Tsuna slyly, sending the future Mafia boss into gibbing fear. "Though to be fair, I doubt your usefulness will extend very much in this situation. But I'm sure I came make something of your little friendship with that Viavideche girl."

Tsuna blinked, momentarily pausing his struggling. "Viavideche." He repeated, thoughtful. "Er, that's Filai san's last name, right?"

"Too bad for you, Mukuro. She returned to Italy along with the rest of the Varia. She was very insistent on returning." Reborn, you asshole liar. She was threatening disembowelment and entrails ripping when Dino Cavellone dragged her out of Xanxus' hospital room.

"Well, that's not too much of a concern as to where she is-"

"If you're interested in her in _that _way, I suggest you prepare yourself."

"Oh? Jealous boyfriend?" Mukuro proposed, amused, despite the notion being exceedingly far away from his real intentions.

"More like the jealous surrogate shark parent." Reborn noted. Seeing the puzzled looks, he explained. "Squalo took care of her for the latter half of her life. He also happens to have bad taste, from what I observed."

That explained a lot of things. Especially the coffee addiction. In fact, Tsuna was privately starting to wonder why she hadn't resorted to alcohol and drugs yet.

"Oh, and then there's the mother hen necrophiliac and her psychopathic boss who probably won't let his makeshift secretary/servant/slave go without doings of massive destruction." Reborn supplied mischeviously. "Almost forgot about them."

Mukuro groaned, face burying in his hand. "Dear god, it's like the Mafia version of Meet the Parents."

Tsuna was curious. "You seem to know a lot about Filai san, Reborn."

"I had a good chat with her before she left." Reborn responded smoothly. "With some persuasion, of course. So don't be too hard on the girl if you ever see her trying to stop nosebleeds with a tampon."

"I'm going to ignore that." Tsuna muttered. Then something dropped on him like a deadweight. "Wait a moment, did you say _jealous _shark?"

"Yep."

"So, you mean Squalo?"

"And Filai."

Looks were exchanged. Coughs were made. "Never would've expected that."

"That's got to be the most dysfunctional couple I've ever heard of."

"I thought Filai san was asexual."

"Well, granted, she _does _have that S+M thing going on."

Sympathetic cringes and prayers were made for Superbia Squalo. Then.

"5000 yen he gives up on her after six months." Mukuro called happily, slamming the bill on the coffee table.

"You are a complete bastard." Gokudera snorted, shaking his head at the utter cruelty of the statement. "And a damn cheapskate." Five seconds later and much money shuffling later. "10,000 she rejects him." Alright, he was a bitch too. No questions asked.

Tsuna blinked in disbelief. Were they seriously betting on this? Wasn't that just too inhumane. Then he thought about it. Aw, whaver. She's given him enough misery already. He dug into his pocket. "I think they'll probably get together, at least." He admitted, shoving another 10,000 yen bill onto the table. "But they'll probably break up."

Yamamoto blinked obliviously. Then he laughed. "Really? I think they'll do well together. 15,000 they get married and have kids!"

Dead silence. Tsuna's mouth might've slackened a few inches more than what was normally considered possible. Mukuro snorted. "Yamamoto Takeshi, you're much too optimistic for the Mafia." He muttered, the rest nodding in agreement. That and the idea of having little shark babies running around the world was just too horrifying to imagine.

"Oh, really? Hahaha. Alright." He amended. "15,000 for just getting together then."

More silence. Then. "Still not happening."

"And before we can trail even more off topic." Mukuro interrupted, before more commentary on the poor subjects could be made. As if he wasn't the one who brought the whole damn thing up in the first place. "I'd like to return to my request."

"Which is about?"

"Revenge." Was the simple answer.

The rest slumped. Yeah. Just what else were they expecting from the little bastard?

* * *

**Two weeks later, Italy**

Filai squirmed awkwardly in her plush, oversized chair, shifting every now and then against tightly wound duct tape as she felt the 9th generation Lightning and Cloud guardians steadily boring holes in the back of her head. No, not with glares. With guns. Not the most pleasant sensation in the world, to be perfectly honest.

In front of her, separated by a ridiculously huge desk, sat the Vongola Nono; still a little worn from the life force sapping, understandably enough, but just a bit more cheery than what should be humanly possible (after being trapped in a freaking _robot_ for shit knows how long).

The Varia had been on virtual house arrest ever since their return to Italy; trapped and guarded heavily inside their own HQ. It was heart wrenching, really. And yes, doing that sort of thing to a group of homicidal, but more importantly restless and exceeding pissed assassins doesn't tend to lead to good results. Xanxus especially; nobody could even approach him within a fifty feet radius without getting nailed by a chair, or a piano, or a chunk of the roof.

He especially got pissed when Bel asked him why he had taken to preoccupying himself with reading Shakespeare. The damn prince's medical bills weren't funny at all!

And then a few days ago, the Ninth requested a meeting with Filai.

Alright, maybe not. Requested tended to have the wholly secondary connotation of being _optional. _From her experiences, being jumped and tranquilized by three 9th generation guardians, unceremoniously blindfolded, shipped off to another part of Italy via FedExpress (which she was certain was an _American_ transport company; at least they had the decency to poke in breathing holes), only to wake up to find herself tied to a chair with guns aimed at her head, in front of the boss of the strongest Mafia family in existence was nothing close to _optional_.

On the plus side, apparently the Ninth was not at all mad at her for siding with Xanxus during the Cradle Affair.

"So you're saying that you're _not _mad at me for siding with Xanxus during the Cradle Affair." Filai stated in dry skepticism.

The (senile, she coughed privately; she wasn't bitter at all, as you can see) old man chuckled warmly, ever the kind grandfather like figure that she never really imagined him to be. Given their loose history together, plus the fact that he was the boss of the strongest Mafia family in the world, she had harbored a little more, well, stereotypical image of Vongola Nono. As in, oversized cigar, evil mustache, horribly colored pin suit of sorts, evil looking kitty in hand, etc.

Well, she got the cigar part right (not oversized; still gonna give him cancer though), and the mustache (more bushy and old fashioned than evil), and the pin suit (it actually had a pretty snazzy color scheme), and kitty (it was fluffy and cute).

"Not at all, my dear child." He said. "It's an event long past."

"So I don't have to pay for hijacking your favorite helicopter and crashing it into the side of your mansion, right?"

Pause. His nose crinkled. "That was you?"

Oh, he didn't know that? Shit, she shouldn't have said anything. "Hey, it's not my fault Xanxus felt like blowing you to pieces." Filai said. Privately speaking, she was still sore about that incident. The Ninth was a person. People weren't supposed to survive being nailed by helicopters, god _damn _it! "It's also not my fault that your pilot was sexist."

"My old pilot wasfemale_._"

Food for thought, it seemed. She frowned. "Really? I couldn't tell with the helmet on." Then. "Actually, that's even worse. She was a sexist AND a hypocrite. She let her guard down the second she saw me. You can't blame me for being an opportunatist."

Rubbing his forehead tiredly, the Ninth supplied "Are you sure that wasn't because you were nine years old at the time?"

Ah, well, he had a point there. Thus, Filai coughed diplomatically and muttered. "That's irrelevant to the discussion at hand."

"Of course."

"So before we move on, are you sure that you sent someone to take care of my colleagues?"

"My Storm and Mist guardians are on their way to the Varia HQ as we speak—"

Filai cut him off warily. "Lussuria's still bedridden. Can your guardians cook?" _If I come back and find that they've been living on TAKE OUT, then I'm really, really, REALLY going to bust something up. Do you know how unhealthy restaurant food is?_

"I do believe so." The Ninth's thick brows wrinkled in thought.

That was good. "Well, can you tell them that Bel only takes chocolate cake for dinner on Wednesdays, don't mix any black and red in Levi's food, and makes sure that Squalo's food never has any fish bones in them. Oh, and don't give Lussuria too much meat. He's more of a vegetable kind of person. Oh, and Xanxus likes plenty of wine in his food—"

Half an hour later.

"Do not let Bel into the kitchen when they're baking. In fact, it'd be better if he was on the other side of the mansion, if at all possible. If they're feeling uncomfortable, tell them they can knock him out. Xanxus needs to have at least three bottles of French cognac available on Fridays. Marmon hates apple sauce. He'll go on an illusion destroying spree if he even sees the container label. If they ever want to feed Squalo steak, it has to be done rare. As in, extremely rare. Actually, raw wouldn't be too bad either. Oh, and when they're putting away cooking knives, make sure they have them all. Bel tends to try and steal them when I'm not looking. I'm not sure if he'll do the same for them, but..."

Two hours later. As in, two hours and fifty nine minute (and fifty nine seconds) later.

"And then just set it outside of Xanxus' room. Wrap foil around it, so it won't get cold. He gets pissed when he's fed cold food. Always use expensive ingredients for Marmon, even if they don't have to. Trust me, the little creep can tell the difference. Put plenty of wasabi with Squalo's dishes too. Wasabi and ginger, because if he dies of some scary parasite from raw fish, I'm going to seriously string your guardians up by their throats and gut—"

The Ninth cleared his throat, interrupting her politely. "I assure you, I won't be keeping you for as long as you think. But for now, I'd like to move on with matters."

"Alright."

The Ninth was silent for the longest of moments. Was it her imagination? He suddenly seemed to darken, brows creasing and wrinkles appearing more prominently on the forehead. Closing his eyes, the Vongola boss let out a pained sigh. Finally. "Filia. I have a particularly...hard request for you. If I may?"

"If it's an assassination mission, I'd recommend Squalo or Bel. I'm the last person you'd-"

"No, it's not a mission." He murmured, chin propped gravely on folded hands. "I...realize that you've grown very attached to my son and his various subordinates."

_Something like that anyways. _Filai decisively shoved all images of psychopathic sharks out of her head.

"Which is why I understand that it would be difficult if you were to..." He hesitated, voice faltering. The he murmured the last few words softly, quietly, as if afraid of being overheard.

Filai would've facepalmed had her hands been free. Really, she would've. She should've known this meeting wasn't going to turn out well.

* * *

**Two days later, Varia HQ**

It wasn't the random explosions from her room that alerted Squalo.

Nor was it the dead animals left in the bathtubs ("I'm not a vegetarian, right?" She pointed out, blankly). Not the odd permanent marker drawings on the walls ("The markers are for drawing" She supplied, blankly), the mysteriously missing mind auras, the notable increase of coffee powder in the pantry and the notable decrease of coffee consumption ("Coffee makes you grow shorter" She offered, blankly).

Not the biology books either, abandoned on the dinner table with milk and juice carelessly soaking the pages ("The textbook had the word 'milk' in it" She provided, blankly. "I think it wanted to drink milk"), the gratuitous accidents in the kitchen that resulted in much takeout dinners recently ("the oven's supposed to burn stuff, right?" she said, blankly, holding the charred remains of Squalo's blowdryer), the miscellaneous articles of furniture super glued to the ceiling (alright, just how the _fuck_ did she manage that anyways?), the laptops overflowing with purposely provoked viruses ("the button said 'click me'" She reasoned, blankly), the laundry which through unknown means caught fire (while being_ WASHED). _

It was when Squalo was watching Filai vacantly messing through his undergarment drawers when he realized that there was the slightest possibility that something was bothering her.

Actually, first things first. "Voi, why the fuck are you looking through my underwear?"

Filai paused, staring strangely at a pair of black boxers clutched in her hand. As if it was the first time she had ever seen a pair of boxers in her life. "Uh." She said, more blankly than awkwardly. "My pajamas burned down with the last batch of laundry."

"YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO USE MY BOXERS AS PAJAMAS!" Squalo screeched in horror. He stormed over, snatching the articles of underclothes from her hands before tossing it back in the cabinet and slamming the drawers shut.

She blinked, and cocked her head sideways bemusedly. "That's...right, huh?" Pause. "I thought they were pants."

"HOW DO THEY EVEN LOOK LIKE PANTS, YOU TRASH?"

"They're short pants." Filai explained, voice flat. "Really, really short pants." She frowned, expression strangely vacant. "I mean, really, really, really short."

Squalo subsided. For a moment, he contemplated the notion that his boxers were indeed short pants. Because she had a point. Then he dismissed said notion and knocked her legs over. "Voi, shithead. What did you talk about with the Ninth?" He demanded, crouching down next to her.

Filai reached up and courteously pulled his hair. Squalo twitched, and retaliated unnaturally_._ "I can't remember."

"If you don't tell me, I'm going to shove a pole through your rib again." He offered muffledly, teeth clamped contently on her finger.

"I hate you." Filai said. Her head lifted upwards a few degrees, enough for a glare of lukewarm magnitudes. She hadn't slept for a while, Squalo noted. Those shadows couldn't be healthy. "Um, wait. You're not being serious, right?"

Being the shitheaded jerk ass he was, Squalo took the opening with much efficiency and little grace. "Not unless you fess up."

"Why're you biting my finger anyways?"

Blinking, Squalo released his hold. "Payback for the boxers." He reasoned with much ingenuity as Filai stared dumbly at the bleeding bite mark on her hand.

"I thought I was the younger one here."

"Hey," He was defensive. "You used to bite me too when you were a brat."

Filai facepalmed with the wrong hand, and unwittingly smeared blood all over her head. Squalo snerked. "My god. Learning from a ten year old now, are you? I've never felt so proud of you before."

And that was about when Squalo threw a cactus at her. "I'm not going to win this, am I?"

"No." Filai replied, sounding almost smug. "You're not."

Squalo twitched, and whacked her head. "I hate you." Pause. Then. "We're going out. And fuck, I KNOW we're on house arrest." He snapped as Filai began to point out that they were indeed, on house arrest. She closed her mouth dutifully. "We can leave as long as we're not armed, alright?"

She shrugged. "I guess. But where are we—"

"Nowhere." Squalo provided irately, already dragging her back on her feet. Filai stumbled, still-raw injuries trailing pins and pricks up her skin. "Just a walk near the park or something. Hurry the fuck up already. You're too goddam slow."

* * *

Within five minutes of stepping outside the Varia HQ, Squalo had successfully destroyed two stores, caused six policemen to quit their jobs on the spot, sent seven others to the hospital, somehow (unintentionally) converted a bunch of drug dealers to Christianity (they were yelling something about the coming of the Apocalypse), and basically dealt millions of euro's worth of destruction to the surrounding blocks around their headquarters. Without a sword.

He also cleared out the local park. Dead bodies didn't count as company, right?

"The coffee wasn't _that _overpriced." Filai muttered, nevertheless accepting the steaming cup that a very disgruntled Squalo was holding out for her. It was almost winter, not really snowing kind of weather, but it was almost dark, and the frost was definitely thick in the air. She didn't want to sympathize with Xanxus' eight years of icy solitude on a practical scale if she could help it.

"Shut up." The very moody swordsman growled. He flicked hair over his shoulder, shoving his hands in coat pockets. "I'm not emptying my damn wallet for a shit cup of coffee."

"I could've paid for it myself."

Squalo snorted, muttering something under his breath. Curses and profanity, most likely.

Filai sipped her coffee. It didn't taste as good as usual. She glanced at the park; it was one of those very old playgrounds, where the slides were metal and rusted at the corners and the see saws squeaked like they were going to snap in half at any given moment. "You used to take me here sometimes, didn't you?"

"Can't remember."

"I always ended up in the hospital because of you." Filai said thoughtfully, earning a sullen glare from Squalo. "Like the time you forced me down the slide. It was during one of those hot summers, so the metal slide was heated enough to give me third degree burns."

He might've choked on thin air at that. "Voi! T-that was only once, wasn't it?"

"Then there was the time I was on the swing. You pushed me too hard and I ended up falling out of the swing midair. I broke my leg and my arm." Yeah. Falling onto solid concrete ground tended to have that kind of aftereffect.

Feigning much disinterest, Squalo resisted the urge to flinch. Now the memories were coming back. "Uh."

"Something wrong?"

"No." He said, a little too quickly. "You deserved it, so fuck off."

"Actually, I might be inclined to agree with that." She confessed, unsmiling as ever, but there might've been a grin in her voice if voices had expressions at all. "Especially after what I did to your tenth grade science project."

Squalo was much annoyed at the reminder. "I had to retake that class because of your damn penguin raid." He groaned. It didn't help that Dino Cavellone was his lab partner for half a semester. How the _fuck _did that little shit destroy half the school just by mixing up the chemical formula for salt with fucking _iodine? _

Must've been the same way Squalo caused a national crisis by putting a speed bump in the middle of a major highway. Nuclear warfare was rendered very obsolete after that.

What? He was _bored, _alright?

"Well, I didn't like you very much at that time. And I was quite sure you didn't like me either, so there wasn't any love lost between us." Filai said, tossing her empty cup in a nearby trash can. Her fingers were already starting to stiffen from the cold. Damn that Bel. Next time the little bastard decides to steal her gloves and she was going to bring out the rocket launcher. The prince and his shiny teeth _will_ _eat it. _

The sky was completely dark now, and really, Squalo could've spared the street lights during his little psycho rampage spree. But no, he just had to knock them out along with his poor victims, so now it was pitch black and Filai was having much fun tripping over her own feet while Squalo unwillingly made sure she didn't crash into a bench and break a bone or two.

Damn assassin and his inhumane night vision. As if she didn't have enough reminders that she got the short end of everything.

"Voi," Squalo suddenly spoke up, after minutes of silence. "Why'd you stay?"

"What do you mean?"

"Right before the Cradle Affair." He scowled, unpleasant memories drifting back and forth. "The Ninth gave you a choice to go back. You didn't take it."

Filai grimaced. "Of course I didn't. I had no interest in returning to my family." She mused, eyes lowering as her mind drifted to that distant life that was her own family. "The Viavideche, huh. I suppose I didn't really dislike my life there. But..." She shrugged. "What? You wish I went back?"

"Tch." Squalo snorted, eyes rolling. "Would've saved me half my fucking lifespan if you did. I still can't believe I had to play your damn _mom _for eight years." His hair probably would've turned white from the horrors of it all if it wasn't white in the first place.

"Theoretically speaking, you took care of me for three years." Filai reminded him, something quite malicious in her eye. "After that, I was the one who took care of you. And the rest of the Varia. And Xanxus, after he was melted. If you really want to call yourself my mom, I'd have to label you as one of those abusive, slave driving parents—"

Child abuse did not BEGIN.

He swiped at her irately. Filai ducked. "You..." No viable comeback came to mind. "You suck." Then he grabbed her left hand and shoved it in his pocket.

Filai blinked, almost startled. His hand was warm. Why was it even his damn hand circulation was better than hers? Life was truly a shitty thing indeed, was what she wanted to say; but she didn't really mind it right now though. Her hand melting in his wasn't a really bad feeling. "What're you doing?"

"Making sure you can still cook." Squalo said, as if she wasn't blatantly right handed. "The 9th's guardians made the shittiest crap when you were gone. Levi and Bel nearly threw up half their organs."

"Really? You should've recorded that."

"I did."

Filai was happy. "Marry me."

On the contrary, Squalo was not happy. "Don't even joke about that anymore." Someday, he was going to accidentally say 'sure' and then that'll lead to the most awkward situation ever expounded on by the woes of shitty fanfiction about maniacs with homicidal tendencies and vague gender distinctions. Seriously.

She shook her head, vaguely amused. Then. "I think I decided on something."

"On what?"

"Nothing you need to know." And before he could elaborate on just how much of an utter bitch she was, Filai said "But I'm glad that you took me out today. It was nostalgic. Not in a bad way, I mean. It's like the ending credits for the last episode of a TV drama or anime. You know, when they show you a bunch of scenes from past episodes while they're playing the opening song instead of the ending. Sort of like a summary. It's a good conclusion."

Squalo frowned uneasily. He stopped walking, and if his fingers might've tightened its grip around hers just barely, it was only with sole intentions of breaking her bones into mint sized splinters. Nothing suspicious about it. "Conclusion to what?"

Her eyes lowered. "What I mean is, I don't think it really matters from now on whether I can cook or not."

"What the fuck does that have to do with anything?"

Filai was wry. "Nothing. Nothing at all."

There was something off in that tone of hers, what he didn't know, and Squalo wasn't sure he liked it. So that was why he blamed the mysterious alien virus that he may or may not have caught at some point in life (He heard somewhere that altruism was contagious. In other words, he was going to strangle that fucking Sawada) when he wrapped an arm around her shoulder and dragged her back home.

* * *

**A/N: **Anyways, remember my previous note saying that I'll do the family arc first? Well, I LIED (shot). Alright, more like I thought about things and I decided to stick the future arc in between the family arc. Why? Because just like how everyone wants to read the future arc, I want to write the future arc. Fail, yes, I know. But I can't help it! Nature impulse towards the longest arc in the whole series is pulling me!

Thanks for reading. Drop a comment or two if you have the time! (shot and gutted)


	14. Chapter 13

**A/N: **This could possibly be the most serious chapter thus far. It's got boring history explanations, mentions of torture, mild angst (which is kind weird since it's not even Filai doing the angsting), and shitty philosophy. I think my humor ability died off in this chapter, and since this story is kind of in the _HUMOR _genre, I obligingly tossed in an omake.

The family arc and future arc are all so serious planned out in my head, so I'll probably be resorting to omakes to keep the humor in. Meanwhile, you get to deal with Filai being the deadpan snark while being tortured. Self preservation is obsolete.

* * *

**Chapter 13**

**Namimori, Sawada Residence**

Once upon a time, there was a Mafia family called the Vongola. Then there was another Mafia family called the Viavideche. They were very good friends for centuries and centuries and centuries.

If "very good friends" had some hidden connotation of blood feuds and property raids and sporadic shootouts. Think Montague and Capulet. Only Mafia. With bombs and guns instead of skinny rapiers and bludgeons of archaic advancements.

Then there was the Vongola's valiant attempt to nuke the Viavideche's HQ (those who consider Gokudera Hayato explosive happy probably never knew Vongola 2nd very well), and the Viavideche's gratuitous effort to shoot down the Vongola 4th's ship while he was traveling to his successor's inheritance ceremony (cannons and Viavideche 8th made a very happy combination. If you were on his side, that is). And after all _that _is when we can talk about that ten year long war in which the two families completely duked it out in the most extravagant fashion ever.

The Viavideche never did quite forgive the Vongola for the curb stomp trashing they received that one time. Which was why after the war there was the centuries long cold war that—

"Is the main reason why Filai fell into Varia hands early on in her life." Reborn finished, busily shuffling through his photos before putting them back in his suit. "But that's irrelevant at the moment."

Tsuna twitched. "H-how did you have pictures from the 2nd's time era? Cameras shouldn't have been invented back then." Xanxus did look like the 2nd (strange, considering how they weren't even related). And the image of Xanxus happily watching people scream in horror as they were blown to smithereens wasn't something he wanted drifting around in his head.

"The Vongola have their ways." Reborn replied mysteriously.

Head hung in defeat, Tsuna muttered "So? What does all this have to do with Mukuro?"

The mist guardian's "vengeance" request had been unexpectedly simple. Deliver a letter to the 9th. And a free round trip ride to Italy, but that's irrelevant.

The missive had been utterly trap free, personally examined by Reborn. For convenience sakes, Tsuna had given it to his father, who, after dropping by back in Japan to check on his son's status, was returning to Italy anyways for his own business.

It was just too simple. Considering Mukuro's past agendas of final conquests and WWIII, Mafia style, you couldn't blame Tsuna for the bad feeling he was harboring in the back of his head.

"I'm not too sure of the details myself." The infant hitman admitted. "But before their alienation from the Mafia world, Mukuro Rokudo's original family, the Estraneo, were allied with the Viavideche. I can only assume Mukuro's vendetta has something pertaining to that."

"E-Estraneo?" Tsuna sputtered, horrified. "You mean that one family with all the child experiments? Filai san's family was with them?"

"Don't be surprised." Reborn said darkly. "The Viavideche is completely different from the Vongola and the Cavellone. Completely militaristic. They're widely regarded as one of the most violent families ever to exist, which explains their considerable influence despite their narrow scope."

Not crept out at all, Tsuna ventured a timid "So if they're so strong, then how did they lose to the Vongola so easily?"

Here, Reborn smirked smugly. "The Viavideche uses a different energy source from the Vongola. It's extremely powerful under normal circumstances, but when put in contact with Dying Will flames, it's almost completely useless, and the fact that it's pretty much connected to their life energy means that the user's health also suffers." He explained. "Filai's from the main family, so she's especially vulnerable."

"Eh, so that's why Xanxus and I almost indirectly killed her during the Sky battle?" Tsuna supplied tentatively.

"Pretty much."

Great, now he was going to go and feel very guilty. "But still! Filai san doesn't seem like the type who'd do something terrible like human experimentations!"

Sure, disregard the fact that she happened to be a biology fanatic with a profuse S+M fetish. Also ignore the fact that Squalo had been slightly afraid of waking up with his organs located in the wrong places ever since she showed him blueprints of the process. With his own body as the model.

Reborn rolled his eyes exasperatedly at his student's idiocy. "Filai may have blood connections to the Viavideche, but she was still a part of the Varia for a good part of life. She's not nearly as bad as the rest of them."

"S-so," Tsuna squeaked. "What if Filai goes back to her family? She'll turn even more violent?"

"I wouldn't worry so much about that." Reborn said nonchalantly, sipping his cappuccino. "Don't misunderstand her too much, Tsuna. Filai _loves _the Varia." Which made her a masochist by default, and no amount of denial was going to change that. "She'll never leave them."

* * *

**Vongola HQ**

"YOU WHAT?" Squalo all but shrieked, thrashing violently as 9th generation Lightning and Mist guardians bodily holding him back from slicing down the 9th right here and now.

Standing next to him, even Xanxus was looking a little pale as he glanced back at the utter destruction that his sharky subordinate had caused in his rampaging path of homicidal horrors. Maybe it wasn't too late to break his habits of throwing beer glasses at his head. Pause. He shook his head. No, it was definitely too late for that.

The Ninth winced as he clutched his ears. Squalo paused for a breath, and the 9th quickly said "Listen, Squalo. I know you're upset. But it was her own decision to go back, and—"

"YOU SENT HER BACK TO THE VIAVIDECHE." Squalo said, wide eyed with some lunatic anger of painful proportions. "ARE YOU INSANE? WE'RE AT FUCKING WAR WITH THOSE BASTARDS AND YOU GO AND YOU SEND HER—"

"There wasn't a choice otherwise!" The Ninth cut him off, exasperation heavy in his voice. "It was either she went back or—" He hesitated, and shook his head. He couldn't tell them that. "In any case, what's done is done, Squalo. I know it's painful, but she can't come back anymore."

Squalo grit his teeth. "I'll drag her back." He spat. "She can't fucking leave just like that. She's part of the Varia—"

"No she's not." The 9th said sharply. "After the Cradle Affair, Filia disappeared. You didn't file a report on her whereabouts, nor did you elaborate on her part in the coup. Consequentially, she was deemed deceased on official documentary, until I received reports from the head of the Cavellone family just recently. She was scheduled to go back eight years ago. She was never officially a part of the Varia, and I assure you, if she wanted to return, then I have no right to stop her."

They really shouldn't be talking about the Cradle Affair in front of Xanxus. As if the poor guy needed any reminder.

"But—" Squalo began, and sensing the futility of it all, groaned. "You seriously...did...not do her any favors by throwing her back into that freak house." He finally forced out, throwing his hands up in miserable defeat. "She's screwed. Fucked to shit, I tell you. God, the next time anyone sees her she'll probably be some unrecognizable walking corpse or some shit like that."

The 9th's brows furrowed in confusion at the swordsman's mutterings. "Squalo, I'm quite aware of the Viavideche's brutality, as you are. But I find it doubtful that even their boss would be so cruel as to harm his own child. Filia herself never mentioned any sort of abuse, am I correct?"

Squalo scowled, arms folding bitterly. "Voi, get to your point already."

"So what are you so worried about? I know there is some emotional attachment involved—"

"_Finish that sentence and you'll be counting to cloud nine, you old shi—" _Clicks sounded in the air. Squalo was unhappy. The gunpoint to the head was really getting old.

The 9th continued without missing a beat. "You seem nervous about something, Squalo." He said kindly. "If you want to tell me anything, I could help—"

Squalo twitched. "HE," He pointed a gloved finger at Xanxus, who blinked confusedly. "Is your fucking son. _I'm _your fucking son's damn slave. Get your identity facts straight, you old shit!" So even he knew that he was Xanxus' bitch. That was just pathetic. "And god damn it, nothing's wrong. I'm not nervous. What the fuck makes you think I'm nervous?" Squalo muttered, not at all nervously. Before the Ninth could respond, he snapped "I thought you wanted to see Xanxus."

"Well, yes, I do, but—"

"Then you can have fun with your damn family reunion. I'll wait outside." Turning heels, Squalo stormed out, slamming the doors shut behind him.

Fucking old fart. He rolled his eyes angrily as he leaned against the wall to wait for Xanxus. What 'nervous' shit was he talking about? The man was obviously hallucinating. Overdose on painkillers and all that. _Fuck. _It was just—

Not that he was going to miss her or anything. Not at fucking all. Emotional attachment was bullshit misconstrued, nothing fishy about it; just the 9th acting like Sawada Tsunayoshi Sr. after a soap opera marathon. It wasn't anything important. Just that...

It wasn't so much the 'she was gone' part that was disconcerting as it was the 'she was now with her family' issue. The Viavideche familia. Nothing good ever came out of those bastards. It wasn't a place where she should be. It wasn't healthy.

Squalo closed his eyes, a ditch attempt to fight the urge to hit his head on something hard.

* * *

**Meanwhile, Viavideche Familia, HQ**

"You're joking." Filai deadpanned.

"I'm completely serious."

She bristled. "No," She elaborated slowly, and generously, she thought, because most others wouldn't waste time repeating something that should've been understood the first damn time. "I don't think you understand me. _You. Are. Joking. _Whether you like it or not."

The man sitting in front of her was not at all what she had been expecting. Forget the fact that he had a seventeen year old daughter; the guy had a twenty six year old son, and yet didn't appear beyond his late thirties. She knew that members from the main family aged slightly slower than the average human, but this was just ridiculous.

Soma Primavera Viavideche, age 42. The 16th boss of the Viavideche crime empire.

Also, Filai's biological father. Who she never really met before now. She should've known something like this would've happened when she was called for immediately after her return, despite him never showing any interest in her before.

"No." She said flatly. "No way. No negotiations whatsoever."

Wearily sighing, Soma reached into his cabinet. "You seem a little flustered, Filia." He said kindly, pulling out a cigarette pack and offering it to her. "Would you like one?"

"I'm seventeen. You know, under aged." Filai said testily. _Some parental influence he is. _"And I don't like smoking." _Even if I did, I'm not accepting that from the head of a family who poisons the candy they hand out on Halloween. _Rumors circulate, alright?

"Never stopped me." He commented, lighting one for himself.

_Yeah, just wait until you get cancer. Then we'll see who's laughing. _Filai continued. "Anyways, have I sort of successfully conveyed my message of utter rejection at your proposal? Because if need be, I have other ways of doing it."

Completely unperturbed, he blew out a stream of smoke, pocketing his lighter casually. "Well, I was expecting the need for a bit of persuasion anyways, so—"

"I take that as a no." Filai cut him off irately, wondering how she could possibly be related to someone with such failed comprehension abilities, because what part of '_shut the fuck up and accept the fact that you're joking' _didn't the man get? "So let me be a little more frank, if I may."

Soma waved a hand, mildly amused. "Be my guest."

And thus, with all the filial piety and devotion in the world to her avail, and of course, none to show, Filai kindly flipped him off. "_Go rot in hell."

* * *

_

**Back to the Vongola HQ**

Speaking of filial piety...

Xanxus didn't believe his dad. He really, truly, didn't believe him. "Are you fucking trying to mock me?" He snarled, eyes flashing dangerously. The guns aimed at him pressed harder in warning, and he ignored them as he slammed his hands down on the Ninth's desk. "What kind of shit are you trying to pull here?"

Clearly expecting the reaction, the Ninth reached into a drawer, pulling out a thin black folder. "It's been settled already, Xanxus." He murmured tiredly, offering the folder to the enraged Varia boss, who snatched it rudely.

The old man wasn't kidding, Xanxus realized in disbelief. He almost had to laugh. "Outright acquittal of all the shit the Varia's pulled." He stated, scanning the documents. "Everything. From the Cradle Affair to the Ring tournament."

"That's pretty much it."

"_Throwing you in a fucking ROBOT._"

Pause. "Er, well, it was rather cushioned inside, so it wasn't that bad-"

Xanxus threw the folder back down on the desk. His eyes narrowed as they scanned his father coldly, and he leaned forward, hissing "You think I'm a fucking idiot? Even if you let family sentiment get the better of you, there's no way in hell the high echelons of the family would let me go like this."

"They've settled with the request of a promise of no other disturbances from you or the rest." The Ninth affirmed mildly.

He snorted. "Even Sawada Iemitsu? Without that bastard's consensus, you wouldn't be able to do jackshit—"

"Iemitsu has already placed his agreement."

Xanxus stared at his father for seconds. He wasn't lying. How was that possible? The Vongola's higher ups were full of assholes who would shoot someone for breathing the same air they did. How the hell did—

Something hit him. He froze as it all clicked in his head. Slowly, reluctantly, Xanxus withdrew, still eying the 9th warily. "So that's how you did it." He said. Of course, why didn't he think of it earlier? The timing was perfect, and it would've easily pacified the rest of the Vongola. At least, those who mattered. The Mafia head didn't reply. "Let me guess, it was Iemitsu who suggested it, wasn't it?"

A pause. "You're always so perceptive about the wrong things." The Ninth muttered, running a tired hand through his graying hair. "But no, it was from Iemitsu. He sent it to me via letter. I was actually rather surprised by the proposal. It didn't really seem like his usual speech..." He drifted off thoughtfully. "Keep it a secret, will you? You weren't supposed to find out either."

"I have a fucking right to know when my squad's being screwed with." Xanxus snapped rudely, and that was that.

* * *

**Three Days Later, Viavideche Underground Prison Cells**

It was that kind of sacrificial aftermath she was feeling right now.

The type where you'd agree to sacrifice one thing or another for your parents, or your siblings, or ex-wife who you honestly didn't give a shit about anymore but wanted to impress anyways. Take a bullet for them? Sure. Sacrifice an arm so they'll emerge with sanity unscathed? Great. Sell your organs to the black market so you can get that oh so expensive surgery that'll expand the average life about half a month? Sounds good.

Except, then the time will come when there is indeed a bullet rotting in your gut, or your arm bleeding on the ground, or your lungs and kidneys and heart circulating through the underground trade, and that would be when you get to contemplate the shitty natures of life.

But in fact, Filai did not find a bullet in her guts, or her arm lying decrepit on the ground, or her lungs and kidneys and heart being surgically removed without fucking anesthesia to stone her dead.

Nope, instead, she found herself cheerily _locked in a fucking unsanitary prison cell in chains and shackles and manacles after going through a not so humane process of interrogation and blackmail and FUCK did she hate the world. _That bastard took parental abuse to a whole new goddam level. The aftereffects were showing.

"No, it didn't hurt at all." She had irately informed the interrogators the second day, vision slightly blurred by blood and concussion effects, because she tended to get those kind of aftereffects when having something heavy dropped on her head.

Her sentence had remained unfinished. "Because the Varia could do better." Or "The Varia has more imagination than you shit heads." And "The Varia's cross-examination sessions are more impressive." "Squalo always wanted to teach me how to swim, and when I agreed, he almost drowned me." "Squalo tried to cook dinner once, and nearly killed off the entire squad. Bet you can't do that, bitch."

There was a shitload of things she could tack on, but didn't. Just thinking about it gave her a headache a whole lot worse than the crap the Viavideche could ever do to her.

Alright, maybe this was a little different from aforementioned sacrificial aftermath. Because in those cases, at least you _knew _what was coming. That yes, there is going to be a bullet coming to you, or a machete ready to slice your limbs to bits, or cookie cutters ready to dig out your kidneys to put on a slab of metal to wrap. And you _knew it damn well_ what you signed up for.

If Filai recalled correctly, her deal with the 9th included returning to her own family permanently for her side of the bargain. Then he'd take care of his own promise and all will be well.

There was nothing in the deal about her dad being the fucking prick to end all pricks about things and _threatening cooperation to destroy the Vongola, _and then kind of putting her through the wringer when she rather bluntly told him no, and I'm sure you can imagine how that ended. And if you can't, well, why don't you check out Filai's X-ray scans right now and count how many broken bones are in there?

To be fair, it wasn't really the 9th's fault. Even he probably wouldn't have predicted the extremes to which the Viavideche would take to get what they wanted. Moral restrictions obviously had no place here.

She wouldn't have agreed to the proposal if she knew something like this was going to happen.

For the record, "this" wasn't referring to her injuries. Or her not so happy torture sessions, or her prison terms of indefinite years at the hands of her own parent. Those she could handle. For the Varia's ungrateful sake, those she'll take with minimal bitching.

"This" was referring to said parent's attempt to destroy the Vongola once and for all. And that apparently he needed her help to make it so. And that no, Filai signed up for this for (to be hopelessly saccharine) the Varia's sake and she wasn't about to sell them out along with Tsuna and Hibari and rest of the damn idiotic family just because her ribs were in pieces and her blood level was decreasing rapidly by the second, and her limbs were twisted in strange ways that couldn't be natural. Period.

Filai sighed, using her unbroken arm to brush blood from her forehead before it dripped into her eyes. Miraculously enough, she was rather grateful for all the miseries she's gone through, courtesy of Squalo as her makeshift guardian for half her life. Pain resistance was being very useful at the moment. Thank you, daily Varia abuse.

Didn't change the fact that life sucked royal shit.

Maybe telling the head of one of the most barbaric Mafia families in existence (who was not at all accustomed to being dissed with such unique choices of language) to go fuck off wasn't the smartest idea in the world.

Pause. Abusive parent's dumbstruck expression came to mind.

Oh to hell with self preservation. It was totally worth it. But for the record, the Varia's "what the mind fuck" reactions were _much _nicer to look at. Especially Squalo's—

Filai internally wilted. It was official. She hated the world.

_**Meanwhile **_

"So you mind explaining to me how she managed to convince seven of my best interrogation (AKA torture) supervisors to quit, and another eight to voluntarily turn themselves into the police within a time span of three days?" Soma inquired curiously, more amused than irritated as three men squirmed uncomfortably in front of him.

His nameless subordinates exchanged dumb looks. "Some of them kind of got scared off," One admitted.

"They had to be given therapy." Another nameless subordinate piped up. "They kept rambling about how they've lost their purposes in life. Uh, thanks to your daughter's version of Aesop's fables, I think." Which was strange, since he was quite sure fables didn't include killer toilets or man eating pencil sharpeners.

Pause. "Oh, and there were a few who became chronically depressed. Apparently your daughter spent every chance she got going into lengthy details about how they fail at life and that's why they'll turn into crabby old bastards because they never get laid." Nameless minion three chirped helpfully.

"With a lot of references to the human reproductive system."

"And pictures."

"She seems to be able to pull out a biology book no matter how many times we take them away." Silence. Shudder. "It's scary."

And that, my dear friends, is why torturing someone who's lived through trigger happy folks and evil sharks and killer android kids and perverted tonfa wielders and psychopathic Mafioso prisoners and ironing gloves and killer poles and caffeine addiction was always an effort wasted.

* * *

**Airplane ride, from Japan to Italy (courtesy of the Vongola)**

"You're not going contact that person yet, Mukuro sama?" Chrome asked timidly. If Mukuro wasn't in a spiritual realm, then he probably wouldn't have heard her voice over Ken's happy prancing. Yes, Mafioso prisoners didn't get many chances of riding in first class private jets. Go figure.

Mukuro shook his head, mind practically overflowing with the plans for his delicate operation of sweet vengeance. So far, everything was moving along with complete perfection. Filai should have entered the Viavideche's HQ by now, and it'd be a simple matter of manipulating her to enter the records library stored somewhere in that fortress. With her blood status, it would be an easy matter for her to gain access to the more secretive areas of the archives.

Sawada Tsunayoshi's naivety had been played to his advantage. Mukuro found little difficulty in persuading the boy to slip in an unopened letter into his father's luggage. Upon discovery, the contents would've been inevitably brought to the Ninth, whose soft heart was no doubt searching for a way to ease the punishments on his son, as well as a method of appealing the rest of the Vongola who were not so politely crying for Xanxus' blood.

The letter had contained a simple and elegant proposal that would satisfy virtually everyone. It would save the Ninth much grief, and simultaneously offer an alternative appeasement to the other higher officials of the family. Filai, with her silly emotional attachments to the assassination squad, also would've had no objections accepting it.

All was perfect. Just perfect. And now the girl was back in her original home, the last of his pawns finally set in place for him, ready for usage. And disposal.

But before all that came, he had to make a little detour.

**Estraneo's Former HQ**

"Yeesh, this place is as gross as ever." Ken shuddered as they traveled through the ruins of their old home. Mukuro had decided to spare Chrome the nightmarish images, and swapped places with her. They walked in silence, save the echos of debris crushed under their feet as they made their way through the decrepit hallways.

Skeletons were still scattered around, some wearing decrepit lab coats with dried blood still stained on the fabrics.

They were all tense. Mukuro didn't blame them. Bad memories and all that. Every once in a while, they'd come across a smaller set of bones, sometimes limbs missing, protruding in wrong areas. Deformed and scattered, dumped near trash like broken dolls.. The last vestiges of old companions in suffering. Most had already been unrecognizable before they died, mad tests and experiments turning them into gruesome things.

Down two stories, they passed by the rusted experimentation rooms. Machinery of bestiary size lined the walls. Some still contained corpses, others just traces of severed limbs. Almost all were splattered and crusted with dried blood.

"What's wrong, Ken?" Chikusa murmured quietly as his friend stiffened.

Ken immediately looked down, fists clenching angrily. "N-nothing, pyon." He gritted out, furiously kicking at a piece of debris. "It-it's just, that was my room. Where they put the..." He trailed off, eyes faltering. Forced injections, every day, second, while their bodies were overloaded with substances that should've never been created. Ken turned earnestly to Mukuro. "We're gonna kill those bastards, right, Mukuro san?"

Laughing lightly, Mukuro waved a casual hand behind him. "Death wasn't quite what I had in mind, actually." He said as they headed towards the next set of stairs leading towards the depths of the basement. Where their objective was waiting. "I was planning something a little more painful, if you don't mind."

They were both eager for blood, he could sense. Ken and Chikusa.

It was at the fifth floor where Mukuro slowed to a stop. Behind him, Ken and Chikusa gazed at his back questioningly. "Something wrong, Mukuro san?"

He didn't answer for a moment, eyes fixated emptily on the contents barely visible through a slightly ajar door. That deathtrap mechanism was still there. Of course it was. Machinery didn't rot nearly as efficiently as he would've preferred. Those shackles, broken at the end. The tubes still hanging from the equipment.

Faintly, he could see erratic scratches on the metal armrests. He remembered those, remembered his nails digging into the cold surface as he was killed over and over again in that chair. As if clinging hopelessly for someone to save him. Fairies and pixies helping good children, Santa Claus giving them an early present in the form of freedom from this hell on Earth.

Fanciful tales getting the better of him back then. Such delusions only made things worse. Nothing ever came, and all he had to look at when he regained consciousness was the broken and bleeding nails coating his fingertips.

"-kuro san? Mukuro san?" Chikusa's voice jerked him out of his thoughts.

"Oops, drifted off a little." Flashing a rather quick smile, Mukuro gestured forwards. "Shall we continue?"

Exchanging worried looks, Ken and Chikusa obligingly hurried after him.

Mukuro's eyes narrowed as they rounded the last set of stairs. Humans were those kinds of monsters, after all. Selfish, consumed by avarice, just like that silly infant from the Varia. Expecting help from any of them was an effort wasted.

Underground level six. It had been the most secure floor in the entire building. Wind and water couldn't hope to leak in, even after all these years. The Estraneo's archives; every single action of terror the family has committed, made paper and ink. It was by far the most expansive room, and the shelves stretched on and on with seemingly no end. Mukuro smirked humorlessly. It was an appropriate size.

"Start looking." He said, leisurely reaching over to open a cabinet drawer. Files overflowed. "Find anything pertaining to the alliance with the Viavideche. Financial records, trade agreements, letters. In fact I want anything with just the name."

Mukuro watched as Ken and Chikusa scuttering into action. They were never ones for patience, and soon papers and files were scattered all over the air and the floor.

He had saved himself that time, years ago. That had only been the first half of his retribution, an unfinished masterpiece, and after all these years, he could achieve completion. It'll be his magnum opus. Really, it will. Blood and guts spilling, and all that. The usual routine.

Three days. Three days, and the Viavideche can go _bye fucking bye_ to life.

Oh, life was just such a pretty thing sometimes. Kufufufu.

* * *

_**Meanwhile, Prison cell **_

In which Filai cracked and decided to finish a sentence properly.

"THE VARIA CAN DO BETTER THAN YOU FUCKING SODS." She called benevolently as men in white medical coats wheeled out another nigh hysterical interrogator. The latest in the long run. "I guarantee the fucker won't ever be able to see another highlighter without diving into the nearest sewage entrance."

The Viavideche weren't really making much progress with her.

* * *

**Omake**

Fifteen year old, post health class Squalo's theory on women (AKA reason 101 why he doesn't mind being Xanxus' bitch nearly as much as he should): "I'm not going to fucking trust somethingthat can bleed for five days straight without dropping dead."

Ten year old, ignorantly pre-puberty Filai blinked. "Females can do that?" Then. "I want to go try it." She scuttered off to the kitchen in search for a cooking knife, and Squalo almost didn't realize in time just what the fuck had happened.

Later, Lussuria's shrill voice rang out "Squalo! What did you say to poor Fifi? She's been awfully suicidal recently. Or is it masochism? I usually can't tell the difference when it comes to her, but she looked a little too happy to be normal." _Clatter_. _Crash._ CRACK. Silence. Ten seconds later, Luss sighed. "I'll go call the ambulance."

Squalo feigned much apathy.

Xanxus threw a beer glass at his head.

* * *

**A/N: **It all turned so serious on me. I'm feeling rather disturbed. OBEY YOUR WRITER, YOU EVIL FANFICTION! (shot)

The scene with Mukuro and co. has got to be the darkest bit in the entire fanfiction (which isn't saying much, but meh). I know he's probably not the angsting type, but the fact that his purpose in life is to take over Tsuna's body and destroy the world does earn him many evil points.

Now I'm kind of wondering if anyone got it clear on what was the proposal the 9th offered her. If nobody did (cause everything's scattered all over the place), don't worry. Everything will be explained sooner or later. Until then, you're all welcome to guess/wonder/throw a cactus at me because it's shit obvious.

Oh, and crap, I got so many review this time! Thank you all! I'm thinking the chapter after the next will be the beginning of the future arc, which is probably why it seems like I'm trying to rush everything. In any case, look forward to it!


	15. Chapter 14

**A/N: **This is still failure of all failures, but I rewrote this chapter! I personally think its better, but my humor switch is still turned off (and broken), so it's longer, and still pretty cheesy at some points or the other. On the bright side, Squalo shows up a tiny bit more. And Mukuro attempts to give Filai a lesson in love. Attempts, being the key word. Needless to say, Filai does not take it well.

**WARNING:** Longest. Damn. Chapter. Yet. 7000+ words, not including author notes and the ridiculously long omake. Grand total of 8000+ words, long and short, shitty and shittier. So for anyone who's cleaning their brains off their keyboards by the end of this (brain liquidation!), you have been warned. I will also be selling virtual brain bleach at a cheap price. So don't sue me.

* * *

**Chapter 14**

**Prison Cell**

Filai's made a list. By memory one, of course, since they didn't give her any writing material, and using her blood as ink wasn't somewhere she wanted to fall to just quite yet. The option was always there for her though. Ever since half her nails were forcibly pulled out of her hand (the Varia could've done better; they would've used a cheese grater), there were cracks in her fingers and they wouldn't stop bleeding. She figured if she wrote big enough and made sure the blood didn't drip too much, the words could almost be legible.

There were ten things she was going to do if she ever made it out of this alive.

1) Get Squalo to watch Titanic with her. Play the Jaws theme song in the background.  
2) Transfer half her bank account to Marmon's.  
3) Use the rest of her money to spoil the Varia rotten.  
4) Take pictures. Lots of pictures.  
5) Increase her daily caffeine intake by 200 percent.  
6) Tell Sawada Tsunayoshi he's an idiot. Then drill science facts into his puny brain until he gets a 100 percent on his test.  
7) Ask Bel to hit her in the back of the head until she forgets her full name.  
8) Drag Hibari Kyouya to Yamamoto Takeshi's sushi restaurant again. Extra wasabi, of course.  
9) Buy Xanxus some stronger cologne. The one he was using doesn't cover up the alcohol scent very well.  
10) Get color contacts.

It was never in that specific order. Her memory wasn't that good, so the arrangements changed every time she ran the list through her head.

But there was a reason why Titanic and Jaws were always on top. It came to her mind first, every single time.

_I have too much free time. _Filai decided, grimacing. She must be going insane, because Xanxus didn't use cologne in the first place, and Tsunayoshi getting a perfect score on his test was like Sasagawa Ryohei abandoning boxing in favor of ballet (Ryohei in a tutu. That's just, urg, scary). Bel didn't hit people. He stabbed them. Hibari and Yamamoto were both practically on the other side of Eurasia. Squalo hated Titanic almost as much as Saturday morning cartoons.

And above all else, Filai never _was _going to get out of this dingy prison cell with its dirt and shackles and the decrepit human bones of previous unfortunates lying in the corners, so what was the point of her half delusional directory again?

The last few days have fallen into a basic routine. Torture, then interrogation, then sleep. No food or water, though sometimes through the multitude of gashes and cuts strewn across the skin, Filai could make out small red pricks on her arms that might've been from IV needle injections. Probably applied when she was unconscious, and for that she was grateful, because needles really sucked shit.

And of course, no coffee. The only reason why her caffeine addiction was never a problem was because she never went without any coffee for more than a day.

Then came now, where withdrawal symptoms weren't helping at all and Filai was faintly sure she was close to throwing up at a time when the only things available in her body for puking were her internal organs. No, throwing up on an empty stomach was not something she recommended.

"So, Titanic?"

_What? _She immediately lurched up in shock, only to remember that the vast majority of her ribs were indeed broken or fractured, and thus the next half minute had Mukuro's soft chuckles floating through her head in noxious gases as she collapsed back down on the floor and ran profanity through her head like rolling headlines on the six o'clock news.

"You look like you're having fun."

Ten seconds later and Filai was observant enough to find herself staring not at a prison cell ceiling, but instead at the root of all that was evil and vile, otherwise known as the quintessential freak of nature Mukuro Rokudo. All the while sprawled very unseemingly in a field of soft grass and flowers with petals so damn pink that she was quite sure had this scene been in real life, they'd have MADE IN CHINA tags sticking from the stems. Nature's imagination wasn't fucked up enough to invent that shade of shit excuse for color.

"I am." Was the deadpan response. "Want me to show you all my merit badges? I worked hard to get them." Filai raised a hand up, and blinked when she found that there wasn't a scratch on it. It was then she realized belatedly that all her injuries had disappeared. For the moment.

A condescending smirk swept across Mukuro's face. "You can announce your undying gratefulness to me now."

_Not happening. _Filai pushed herself up. She almost forgot what it was like to move without feeling like there were knives jammed in her joints. "You know, I think you should change this place's style. I mean, shouldn't Mukuro wonderland have guillotines and severed heads instead of trees and birds?" _Unless you're so stupid you can't tell the difference. I'm waiting for the day you try to chop off someone's head with a tree branch._

"I have a funny anecdote about that, actually." Mukuro was malicious. "True story."

_Doesn't that serve my point that you are in fact too much of an idiot to distinguish a guillotine from a tree? _

"No, It serves the point that I don't need a generic head chopping device to actually chop your head off." The ex-Mafioso smiled, mismatched eyes flashing innocuously in the sunlight, and Filai automatically scooted away from him. "Anyhow, as much as it's hard to believe, I actually came here for a reason other than listening to your pleasant tongue lashing at work."

"Good to know my existence is that appreciated."

"You're welcome." Mukuro offered, and before Filai could flip him off, he continued smoothly. "I have a proposal. One that I feel you might be inclined to accept."

And that was the cue for Filai to become paranoid. Or, not paranoid, because no amount of caution was too gratuitous when it came to dealing with Mukuro Rokudo, so she frowned, in a way that almost implied she didn't trust the conniving bastard at all. Because really, she didn't. "If it has something to do with your plans of world destruction,"

"No, it doesn't."

"Not taking over Sawada Tsunayoshi's body?"

"Actually, I don't really need your help for that, so that's not really the issue at the moment."

"I happen to like pandas, so if there are plans of destroying China running loose in that twisted pineapple head of yours..."

Here, Mukuro's smile flickered just barely. Was it annoyance? No, never. "Just what kind of impression do you have of me, exactly?" Alright, maybe it was. Why wasn't Filai running for her life yet? "Actually, never mind. I don't want to know. I'm afraid stupidity might be contagious."

_That would explain a lot of things. Your subordinates noticeable lack of intelligence, for example. _

That was around when Mukuro threw a dead tuna at her (with a picture of Sawada Tsunayoshi on it) because he was pretty sure she just implied he was stupid and that he was just not pleased about whatsoever. Hypocritical bastard.

* * *

**Varia HQ**

Life was not fair.

And no, Squalo did not care about the birds and bunnies in Aesop's fables stating the contrary, or half assed soap operas with the grade A bastards actually getting the shit they deserve. The guy working fifteen hours a day in a food joint would never make an income larger than the allowances of that rich kid who couldn't tie his own shoelace to save his fucking life. The sweetest creature ever to grace the continent could die from food poisoning with ten years of life to his name. The psycho killers with Murder Happy Mondays circled and marked on the calendar do actually get away with it half the time.

Filai's shit excuse dad was closer to her than the homicidal assassin who used to help her on her math homework, and make her lunch, and show up at school registration because she didn't have a proper guardian. Fuck, the mailman and the garbage collectors were closer in proximity to the biology addicted sadomasochist than the guy who nearly drowned her in a pool and wouldn't talk to her for days when she beat him at Street Fighters. And that was just unfair. Completely, undeniably unfair—

"—Squ kun? Are you sure you're alright?"

Probably not, if he was brooding over Aesop and S+M fetish—

Squalo blinked, then he blinked again, because Lussuria's face was much too close to his for comfort, and even when he had shot a leg out and sent the martial artist crashing through the wall, there were still shivers going down his spine in spirals and _fuck _they just won't go away.

A girly titter, and Lussuria gingerly pulled himself out of the rubble pile. "It looks like you're fine after all, Squ kun. Moping aside."

Squalo bristled. "Voi! I'm not moping." He snapped defensively, because he was indeed not moping. The denial fell rather flat, however, because it was then that he instinctively prepared himself for some deadpan snark from one Filai or another, only to look at the empty seat next to him and return to moping. "I'm not moping."

Lussuria sighed. "Squ kun, you tried to brush your teeth with chocolate syrup yesterday."

Silence. Squalo twitched. _Shit. _

"And tried to clean your sword with polisher, only to realize to late that you were actually cleaning a butter knife with super glue." An exasperated sigh. "It was my favorite utensil too."

More silence.

"Not to mention blow drying your hair with a rocket launcher." Good thing he missed (at point blank range, which is sad, but hey, you take what you can get)

To which Squalo ventured a half hearted "They sort of have the same shape."

"You're moping." Lussuria stated flatly.

Squalo was indignant. "Voi! I fucking told you already, I'm not moping!" He screeched, grabbing his sword and shaking ominously it in Lussuria's general direction. Lussuria stared, and Squalo was just about to ask what the hell was wrong when he noticed that his sword was indeed not his sword. He blinked again. _Oh shit._

Two seconds later, Dino Cavellone walked cheerily into the room. "Sheesh, Squalo. I was looking all over the place for you—"

The grenade exploded.

* * *

**Prison Cell (Mukuro-Land)**

Filai was incredulous. "You really thought this out, didn't you?" She said in disbelief.

"I take that as a compliment." Mukuro flashed her a quick grin. "So how about it? Doesn't sound like a bad deal, right?"

She took a deep breath, closing her eyes as she chained together the pieces of information the ex-Mafioso had just dumped on her in impolite droves. "So let me get this straight." She stated, finally raising her head to stare at Mukuro. "You want to arrange for the Viavideche's downfall."

"Please don't tell me that's all you got from my half hour lecture."

Resisting the urge to kick him, she continued. "You were a part of the Estraneo family. The one with the child experiments."

Mukuro brightened. "So you were listening after all. I feel rather proud of you."

No, Filai graciously did _not _skewer the man with a random tree branch. Which isn't to say she didn't try. Anyhow, continuing. "Recently, you paid a visit to your old home, and uncovered scattered documents with vague hints, but no definite statement that it was the Viavideche who not only secretly financed and supported the development of the possession bullet, but also the multiple experiments carried out AFTER your family's alienation from the underground world." Filai sighed, feeling her breath wasting away. Tiredly, she muttered "And you believe that my family would keep records of these associations with the Estraneo?"

He leaned in, eyes shining with some strange anticipation. And that would be just fine, except it was motivated by such a maniacal hatred, of insane proportions, so Filai drew back, feeling faintly sick. "Think about it." He whispered, voice deathly gently. "If such documents were exposed, the Viavideche would be ruined. Destroyed, in the very same way that the Estraneo had fallen. Not only that, but such activities are highly illegal. In the best case scenario (well, worst for them) even the Vendicare would come after them."

"And let me guess. You get revenge. I get to go back to the Varia. Everyone's happy." Filai rolled her eyes. "Mukuro, what in the world would make you think that I would betray my own family, assholes as they are I admit, just to risk everything with some psychopath who may or may not abandon me the first chance he gets?"

Pause. Mukuro blinked bemusedly. "You won't?"

Filai was offended. "Of course I will."

* * *

**Varia HQ**

"So," Dino began awkwardly, as the last of the bandages were applied and a very patched up Squalo was slouching miserably in the couch next to him. Trust him to come over just to give his (not moping!) old classmate sweet little pep talks with TV drama logic. The twit. It was good to see him. "I heard Lussuria saying you were moping."

Pause. Squalo took a cushion and threw it full force in Dino's face. Not so good to see him after all.

Painfully rubbing his nose, Dino put a comforting hand on Squalo's shoulder. The swordsman swatted it off like a fly. "Listen, you know Filai really loves you guys." Squalo might've choked at that. Moving on. "Just think of what'd she'd say if she saw you like this."

She wouldn't say anything. Just take pictures and use them as blackmail leverage. The jerk she was.

Dino thus cringed. "Uh, that's beside the point." He amended by way of apology, and Squalo shot him a dirty glare. "The _point _is that I don't think she wants you of all people to be so gloomy. I mean, it's not like she'll disappear on you forever, right?" Disregarding the fact that they were now officially on opposite sides of a family feud that has been going on for generations. No problem at all.

"Why the fuck did she leave in the first place?" Squalo muttered under his breath.

Here, Dino hesitated. The details. He did know them, actually, but the 9th's orders had been clear. Not a word to the Varia (though rumor has it that Xanxus already found out). Especially not to Squalo, and shit knows what'll happen if Dino so much as breathes a hint on it. So instead, the Cavellone boss swallowed his pity and forced a cheery smile. "It's Filai. She's smart. She must've left for a good reason."

Pause. He frowned as an odd idea struck him.

"Uh, why don't you just call her?"

Silence.

Squalo was miserable. He dumped chocolate pudding on the idiot's head. Then he went to go find his cell phone.

* * *

**Prison Cell (Real World)**

"Are you ready?"

"No, not at all."

"Well, that doesn't really matter." Mukuro was disturbingly gleeful as his red eye flared with energy of uncomfortable nature. The black '1' kanji gleamed, and five seconds later, the bars of Filai's prison cell shattered into miniscule dust.

Filai blinked, and almost suspected that pissing off Mukuro Rokudo was in fact, not a very good idea. "E-er, you can work on nonliving objects too?" She muttered awkwardly, shielding her eyes with an arm as the particles scattered in the air. _So, that's the same thing you did with my body too, isn't it? _

"Correct." Mukuro mused leisurely, voice reverberating uncomfortably in her head. "Since something's preventing your mind from being able to sense my illusions, I instead chose to apply them directing towards your bones and injuries. That way, they will be able to move."

She stumbled out of the cell, wincing as needles and stabs ran up her limbs with every minimum effort. "Except since illusions _still _don't work on my nerve sensories, I can still feel all my injuries like nothing's changed." She sighed, leaning against the wall for support. "I hate the world."

Before Mukuro can insulate something snarky that she didn't want to hear, footsteps cut him off, clattering loudly from the near corner.

One of the prison guards came into view. He immediately stepped back in alarm as he saw Filai standing in front of the destroyed cell. "How did you—" He stopped dead.

Filai was confused. "What?"

He pointed at her fearfully, finger shaking with some ill placed terror. Filai had to raise an eyebrow. Even if Mukuro's illusions had covered up all the blood and cuts, she didn't recall appearing that intimidating. Then. "Y-you. What's wrong with your eye?"

"My what?"

Too late. With his usual ax happy tendencies, Mukuro's powers activated again. Five seconds later, and the guard subsequently became one with the wall paint. Gruesome. Filai was almost amused. _And Tsunayoshi kun calls me a sadist. _

And moving on. "So what was that guy saying about my eye?" Filai muttered, gingerly stepping over the decrepit, bloody corpse.

_Kufufufu. _Mukuro's chuckle was full of genuine mirth. That usually didn't bode well for her. "There's a mirror over there. Why don't you go take a look?"

Filai was skeptical as she dragged herself over to the alleged location of said mirror. "And why would there be a mirror down in a basement prison?"

"Same reason why we're both conversing in Japanese when we both have Italian as our native tongue." Mukuro provided with a grin. "It's convenient for plot—"

_Don't you dare break the fourth wall, you bastard. _Filai was irritated. She rolled her eyes before glancing disinterestedly into the mirror. She stared. Then stared some more. And internally died. _Holy shit on a stick. _"I don't know what to make of this, exactly."

Her left eye was fine. It was completely normal, well, as in it was still its usual sickly neon pink. Nothing different about it at all. It was her _right _eye, however, that had been responsible for a near heart attack. Filai was in much awe. "I look like your and my dad's lovechild." She sputtered as she attempted a glare at the familiar blood red, kanjified orb that now served as her right eye. Mukuro's right eye. She was freaking sharing an eye with Mukuro. _That _was just messed up.

Obviously that wasn't the response that Mukuro had been anticipating. He mentally whacked her on the back of the head. "Anyone I even partially possess will gain it temporarily." He explained, as Filai tried in vain to clutch her head with a broken arm.

_You ARE a narcissist bastard, you know that?_

"A healthy dose of self confidence is necessary to attract enough support to pull off World War Three." Mukuro advised slyly. "Especially when you're planning on using Sawada Tsunayoshi's pathetic body to pull it all off."

Filai really wished she could shoot him. "So if we want to dig out any old records, we'll probably have to go to the library. It's on the other side of the mansion. First floor." She trudged by the guard's desk when she spotted something lying on top of a stack of papers and books. _Are you serious? _

Mukuro followed her glance. "Your cell phone?"

"So I'm not hallucinating." Filai decided with some relief as she picked up the small device. "It was turned off when they took it away from me. It'll probably have some batteries left." She pressed the ON button, and seconds later it vibrated to life, the screen flashing dimly with monochrome patterns and letters.

"It looks archaic." Mukuro examined the phone with some amusement. "The model's at least six or seven years old."

_Oh shut up. _Filai dropped the phone into her one intact pocket. _I didn't want to replace it. _Pause, and she added almost reluctantly. _Squalo bought it for me. _

"That explains why it's such a cheap version."

_What the fuck is that supposed to mean, you pineapple haired ass? _She began stumbling towards the prison exit, only to pause. _Alright, how am I supposed to get to the other side of this place? There's at least just about half the damn family between me and the fucking library. I'll be mauled to death before I get halfway through. _

Mukuro frowned contemplatively, mind gearing in thought. _Is the Viavideche resistant to illusions like yourself? _

"No, I'm an exception. The rest suck at seeing through them." Was the deadpan response.

He sighed. "And you had me worked up over nothing." Was his disgruntled muttering. "If that's the case, I could easily cover you with—"

_I know. _She interrupted, only missing half a beat as she continued on her way. _I just wanted to screw with you. _

Pause. Mukuro was much annoyed. "You really are an irritating creature, aren't you?"

_You have no idea how mutual the feeling is. _Filai grimaced as she trudged on.

To her relief, the first corridor she entered was empty. "I know the way to the library." She said as she struggled painfully through the vast hallway, slouching against the wall every now and then for a short rest. "I used to go there to read."

Half her life was spent in that library. It was an enormous room, cold and bitter, and nevertheless the only place worth exploring in the manor. Years of wandering, reading books and files, getting lost in the most random places. There were corners where she'd just set down snacks and cushions and read a crappy book. Something banal like that. Back in the days where she didn't have wine stains to wash out of Squalo's shirts (Xanxus never did like making things easy for her, the bastard) and sporadic 5 a.m. kitchen duty swaps with Luss-

"Are you love with Superbia Squalo?" Mukuro inquired. Rudely, Filai thought, because usually asking that sort of thing was against social norms. Then again, Mukuro's entire existence was pineapple and mind-rape themed, and if that wasn't against social norms, then she didn't know what was.

Approximately three point five seconds later, something clicked in her mind. "What?"

Mukuro smirked. "Oh, just curious." He said harmlessly enough. "You seem fond of him."

"Oh." Said Filai, struggling to quicken her pace. She ran the notion through her head and successfully drew a blank. "I don't really want to talk about it."

"Because you're embarrassed?" He was delighted.

"No, because the idea of _you _giving me a love lecture is just too traumatizing." Filai reasoned. She paused long enough to notice that the wallpaper had turned from a soft, velvety green to penguin patterns. She thus spent the next five minutes scrapping a penguin design off while Mukuro registered the implication that he was indeed not the ideal love counselor. Being the prideful thing he was, the illusionist was very determined to prove her wrong.

Which was why seven minutes later:

"You do realize the fact that in the event that Superbia Squalo does reciprocate non platonic feelings for you, your notable lack of personality makes it so that you're pretty much reduced from a female to a mindless object of sexual usage."

Filai was skilled enough to appear affronted while staring at a chunk of penguin wallpaper. Nevertheless, she chose not to respond to that.

"It would also imply that he's homosexual, because your sexual appeal seems more directed to girls than to guys. Especially the coffee addiction. Just think of what poor Squalo would do when he confronts the issue of his sexuality."

_Can I pay you to shut up? _

_"_"Normally, yes. But I'm having too much fun pissing you off, so no." He provided charmingly.

After an infinitely long period of time, Filai finally made it to the entrance of the library. Not the most impressive entrance in the world, really (the Varia HQ's library doors were better. Wait, the Varia HQ didn't have a library. Shit). The wood was nice and posh, and the carvings were pretty. But there was the matter of the giant sign tacked on the front that ruined the whole image.

DO NOT ENTER

"Way to be blunt." Pause. _Er, how do I open this again? _

Mukuro mentally waked her on the back of the head.

_I remember now. _Filai cringed, and she reached over, running a hand against the side of the door. She frowned as Mukuro watched intently. _It should be here somewhere. _

Her fingers grazed against a small niche in the smooth flat surface of the door. She steadily applied pressure. With a whirl and a click, a small hatchet opened up at eye level from the door. A retina scan buzzed out, protruding and ready for usage. "The Viavideche's most common identification is their irises." Filai offered, sensing Mukuro's bemusement. "It has something to do with their energy usage. I'm not too sure of the details myself, but apparently the higher your energy level, the brighter your eyes are."

Here, Mukuro arched an elegant, if not skeptical eyebrow. "Yours are practically radioactive." He pointed out, puzzledly.

"So?"

"Well, you are the weakest creature I've ever met in my life so far-"

_Oh shut up. _"Energy accumulates in the body if unused, unlike the Dying Will flame." She bent down and let the retina machine scan her left (un-Mukuro-fied) eye. A small beep emitted from the device, and seconds later, the doors slid open with a metallic hiss. Frigid air seethed out in pale wisps. _I forgot how cold it was. _Filai scowled.

"Why did you never use your abilities?" Mukuro asked.

"My family had a lot of coups in its history." Filai said, stepping into the frigid room. Her feet were bare, but her footsteps against the frozen metal ground were enough to echo. "After the twelve generation boss was killed off, his successor decreed that to maintain stability, only one heir could be selected and taught the skills necessary to inherit the position. That way, there'll only be one person powerful enough to gain the support of the entire family. In this generation, my older brother was chosen." She scowled. "I was never taught how to use anything."

"Is that why you want to return to the Varia?"

Filai stumbled. No answer.

Mukuro lowered his lashes, and suddenly, the multi color eyes that glittered underneath were bittersweet; promises of sugar and acid to burn transparent, as if their owner was privy to some entertaining secret. Because unknown horrors were always made known to him. He was a scary guy.

Filai long decided that if everyone had eyes like his, then there wouldn't be any need for X-rays. Nevertheless, she shrugged, and walked on gingerly. "I owe Xanxus." She said shortly, running a hand through the steel borders and edges of the shelves crowded together for end on. The books and files were crammed so tightly that she couldn't hope to wedge her finger in between them.

The illusionist tossed his head back and laughed softly. "I expected as much."

"What do you mean?"

Dimly, Filai felt Mukuro slide a slender hand around her shoulder. It was cold. "I'm sorry, Filai." He said cheerfully, leaning down from behind, until mint cool breath curled against the shell of her ear. "Nothing personal really, but somehow I just can't bring myself to believe that you would do so much for such a silly emotion as 'love'."

She edged away, as Mukuro withdrew with that smile. The kind peppered with sticky, clingy sugar. The kind that accumulates the more you try to rub it off, and everyone knew that too much sugar will rot the soul straight out in splatters of black bile and pus for the maggots to feast in.

"Nihilism is going to turn you into a crabby old bat someday."

"Ah, but I'll be the crabby old bat who will have a firm control over the entire world."

To which she sighed, and moved on to the next shelf.

For most people, libraries had the negative connotation of books and homework, late night studies and textbooks of miserably epic proportions.

For Filai, they had the equally negative connotation of something barren and metallic. Or, not negative, per se. Just uncomfortable, in that it was really the only place she had for herself back in the Stone Age (AKA pre-Varia; same thing). But it was barren and metallic, so to speak. Dimly lit, because there weren't any windows, and the light bulbs hanging by threads from the ceiling were mostly shattered or broken. Filai used to cut her feet on the shards scattered on the floor, because you could hardly see anything in here. Filai could never find the bandages.

She hated nostalgia. They gave her headaches.

"Estraneo, right?" _I feel like I've read some of them before. They should be located in the uncategorized records. I was the only one who came here daily, so these files are usually not touched again once they've been entered in. Most likely, everything's still in the same place since the last time I came here. _

Though it probably wasn't convenient that the unmarked records section was the largest section out of the entire damn room. Oh, and it was _un-fucking-alphabetized. _Someone shoot her now.

"On the basis that I probably won't be stepping back here whether or not your (_shitty) _plan works," Filai muttered, and tossing all instincts of organization out of her mind, began grabbing folders and throwing them all over the place (they didn't make it too far, but you get the idea). _Mukuro, you're helping me this time, whether you like it or not. _

Wrinkling his nose in slight distaste at the crudity, Mukuro reluctantly gave in. "It doesn't seem like I have much of a choice otherwise." Of course, as he was conveniently non-corporal at the time, his aid was limited to searching through the papers flying in the air for any glimpse of his old familia's name.

"I remember it being filled with financial charts. And bar graphs, I think."

He offered her a strange glance. "And why was an elementary child be reading finance dealings between family alliances?"

Filai grimaced. "You have no idea how bored I was back then."

"And I don't think I very well want to."

Then Filai's cell phone rang. She blinked. Mukuro blinked. _How the fuck do I have connection in here? The walls are solid steel and concrete! _Must be the workings of illogical deux ex machina. Pausing in between her E's and S's papers, Filai pulled out her worn out cell phone. She stared at the caller ID. _Squalo? _

Mukuro was much entertained as she flipped the cover open and promptly held it away at arm's length.

Pause.

Pause. Filai frowned. No shouting. Forget that, she couldn't hear anything at all. Warily, she brought the phone closer to her ear again. "Uh, Squalo?"

Few seconds of silence. Then. "Oh." Pause. "Uh...you answered."

_Alright, just who are you and what have you done with Superbia Squalo—_

"VOI! GO FUCK OFF, YOU XXXXXX XXXXX XXXXXXXX!"

And Filai was much consoled. She returned to her paper searching with her significantly less broken right hand, her significantly more broken left hand clumsily keeping the phone up. "It's good to know that you haven't changed much." _Then again, it's only been a week or so. If you really did get a 180 degree personality switch, then you really do have pms-ing issues. _

A clatter in the background. The sound of something valuable smashing. A vase, maybe? Squalo's low voice hissing _oh shit; _probably realizing belatedly that there wasn't anyone to reflexively attack in a fit of stupid homicidal rage and general pissy-offy-ness.

Descartes, Plato, vending machine, toasters, Barney. Shit, these records really are labeled "uncategorized" for a reason.

"Make sure you don't hurt yourself, Squalo. Abusing you without logical justification is Xanxus' special privilege only."

"You fucking try to trash me every chance you get!"

"That's not unwarranted abuse." _Just revenge_ _for the crap you always put me through. There's a difference, you know. _

Charles Darwin, Harry Potter, articles by Bill Gates and Mandela, Godfather II, some manga called Hitman Re—_shit, _was that Twilight? _Uncategorized my ass. They probably just put a bunch of random shit in and labeled it—_

"Voi, what the fuck are you saying?"

"Nothing."

Silence on the other side. Awkward silence. Well, it would've been if Filai hadn't been preoccupied with shoving past a series of videogame walkthrough guides. But evidently, Squalo found it so. "...how's...your famil—"

The papers slipped out of her hand. _Squalo. Finish that question and you will die a most painful death. _

"What the fuck are you—"

"That topic is off limits." She stated flatly, as Mukuro snickered silently in the back of her head. Damn pineapple freak. "Never bring it up again."

"Why the fuck are you being so touchy about your famil—"

_DON'T CALL ME TOUCHY, YOU HYPOCRITIC ASS! _"It's not the family part." She insisted, her efforts of searching now rather half hearted. _You're fucking supposed to stick with mindless insults and swearing and being an all around bastard. _

Squalo was bewildered. "I don't even know what the hell you're talking about—"

_Yes, you do. Shut up. You're going to start to ask dumb questions, like "how's your family?" and "is your life alright"? And then after that you're going to be "how's the weather" or "how's school, even though you don't fucking TAKE public school?" Then we're going to have to say "hi, how're you' every time we ever talk, and then the silences are going to be awkward and we'll always feel like we have to keep the conversation going except we don't know what to say because we'll become worried that we'll offend each other and then I'm not really sure what happens next but IF AFOREMENTIONED SHIT EVER HAPPENS I'LL SHOOT YOU AND NAIL YOUR SKIN TO THE WALL AND—_

"Voi..."

_NO, I WILL NEVER LET THAT HAPPEN—_

"Will you listen—"

_IT'S A FREE WORLD. I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE ABLE USE YOU AS A FUCKING PILLOW WITHOUT HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT WHAT TO SAY TO YOU WHEN I WAKE UP, GOD DAMN IT! CALL BACK WHEN YOU THINK OF SOMETHING ASSHOLE-ISH TO SAY TO ME! _And before Squalo could recover from his momentary bout of shock, Filai hung up.

Five seconds later: "Hey, I found the file."

* * *

**Varia HQ**

"I don't get her sometimes." A completely bewildered Squalo said as he stared blankly at his phone.

Next to him, Dino was curious. "What did she say?" He asked. Squalo told him, almost word for word, in the most innocently confused (and fucked up) tone, and the poor swordsman was much unhappy when Dino spent the next five minutes clutching his stomach and laughing fit to kill. He might've continued for longer if Squalo hadn't gotten fed up and tried to strangle the Cavellone boss with his sword. Which turned out to be not his sword. AKA a power cord.

* * *

**Viavideche Library **

"Good to know you're so passionate about something." Mukuro chuckled as Filai sulkily flipped through the folder, which contained papers outlining every single detail of the financial transactions between the Estraneo and the Viavideche. Illegal ones included.

So maybe she had cracked on Squalo just then. It was completely justifiable of course, given that she's been going through days of horrific torture with minimal mind damage.

Pause.

Then again, maybe it wouldn't hurt to give the guy an implicational apology or two. Just for proof that she was nicer than him, so she can rub it in his face. That's all. Nothing suspicious about it, thank you very much. "It doesn't hurt to be cautious." She muttered in irate response to Mukuro's glee. "Since I'd rather die than let Squalo turn awkward." _Can you imagine how horrifying the image of him not yelling like an idiot is?_

"You do realize you have a remarkable ability of spouting cheesy lines with the flattest tone and expression. I don't think you've yet to learn the art of discretion." Mukuro rolled his eyes. "Then again, given Superbia Squalo's dense nature, I suppose discretion would be redundant."

_One more word and these papers go down the damn sink. _Filai painfully trudged towards the library exit, clutching the papers to her chest with all the failed strength she had left. _And I don't recall signing up for relationship counseling. _Especially from some devil's spawn like Mukuro.

"Well then—"

Whatever the mist guardian had to say was forever deemed unnecessary. The alarms went off.

Filai twitched. Was she so important they had to alert the entire damn mansion? She didn't know if she was supposed to feel honored or not. _Now is the time to run. _Pause. _I can't run. _Nevertheless, she did find it within her (limited) capabilities to speed up her failed staggers, thank you wall support. _Mukuro, please tell me you have a plan. _

Mukuro frowned. He was troubled. "I don't, actually."

She almost tripped. _You're joking. _

"They reacted faster than I expected. I haven't even managed to gain a full layout view of the manor yet."

_Which still translates to I'm screwed. _

"No, which translates to 'the files are screwed'. You're insignificant."

_And THAT in turn translates to 'Filai, will you please rearrange my face for me? Plastic surgery is much too expensive for a poor ex-Mafioso student prisoner like me.' _ Filai stumbled to a messy halt as men in black suits began swarming the whole damn place.

Mukuro sighed, and Filai felt a sharp pain in her right eye. No, she did not know why suddenly said black suited men were being gruesomely eaten by a lion. She twitched.

"Second ability." He smiled, a '2' kanji hovering in his eye.

_Creepy. _Filai shook her head before moving on. "So you sure you can't use that WWIII planning brain of yours to think of something? Unless you can somehow kill off everyone I pass by, which will probably be most of the family, in case you're wondering."

"No, I've expended too much energy already." Mukuro muttered darkly, and he was right. She could feel his presence wavering slowly. "Unfortunately, I can only hold on for ten minutes—"

_Then I'll throw these files down the sink. _

"Are you still saying that kind of threat?"

Filai blinked oddly. "It's not a threat." She said, and it was then Mukuro realized that they were indeed standing in bathroom. Not bothering with explanations, Filai busied herself with locking and bolting the door shut. She set the papers down momentarily, walking over to the trash can and pulling the trash bag out. She dumped the contents onto the ground, and picked up the files, rolling them into a tight thin tube before shoving it into the plastic bag.

Mukuro stared. "Are you possibly..."

"Your slaves (AKA mindless subordinates) should be somewhere nearby, right?" Filai crouched down next to the sink, and began unscrewing the tubes. _I'm assuming you can contact them one way or another. Tell them to go wait in the sewers. _

Silence. Wait for it. "...what?"

_Just what it sounds like, you stupid pineapple. Sewers, SEWERS. _Miscellaneous sink parts clattered on the ground as Filai finished loosening the last screw. She held up the documents, now completely wrapped in the black plastic. "I'm going to drop this into the sewer system through the sink's passageway. You might want to put a tracker or something on this so you won't lose its location." Catching Mukuro's near dumbstruck expression, Filai scowled. _It can't be helped. I can't get out of here anyway. Anyway, you were going to abandon me at some point, right? _

Pause. Mukuro was irate. "Actually, this was the one time I WASN'T planning on disposing of you." So this is what happened when he actually tried to be considerate. And you blame him for being such a conniving jackass.

_Why do I doubt that? _"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I wasn't expecting any of this to get me out in the first place." Filai offered. She shoved both paper and plastic down the tube opening.

He thought about it. "I admit, that does make me feel better." Asshole. "Though I'm rather hurt that you have such little faith in my plans."

Filai rolled her eyes. "It's not really that." She stated deadpan. "The point is, once you're in the Viavideche family, you can never leave. There's no written _rule _on it, per se. But for some reason, a family member successfully leaving just never happened before. Either you come back voluntarily, get dragged back, become involved again through random events." Pause. "Or you die. Or get killed, whatever. That's probably the only way you can leave. If you look at my case, I managed to screw around with the Varia for nine years, but in the end I'm still sitting back here half dead." _Because of that stupid deal with the Ninth. Just who the hell came up with it anyway? _

Mukuro feigned much ignorance. "If you knew, then why did you still agree to help me?"

She smiled. Barely. And wryly. But it was there (and no, Mukuro did not get a near heart attack from the shock). "I wanted to spend at least a little more time outside." A dead shrug, and she lowered her eyes. "But I guess it was still too much to ask for."

For the moment, Mukuro remained silent. Then he chuckled, almost ruefully. "You're an interesting girl."

"I'll take that as a compliment." Filai was amused. _Though don't call me girl. I'm two years older than you. _

He wasn't there to hear it. Mukuro's presence was gone, and Filai found herself indeed very much jacked to shit and alone. She slouched against the wall, and her smile slipped upside down. God, why did she do that, of all things? She had defied gravity! Just for the sake of maintain a different expression! Her priority system was falling into shambles.

Outside, Filai could hear footsteps and yelling. Because apparently everyone was too brainless to check the damn bathroom, and just how sad could they get? Yes, it was very much pathetic, no questions asked.

Then her cell phone rang again. She stared at it, and internally died.

"...you again?"

"I had the Bucking Horse translate the bullshit you spouted minutes ago." Squalo muttered reluctantly.

Filai might've choked on thin air. You didn't hear it from her. _You seriously asked DINO of all people? As in, the only guy in the world who managed to cut himself with a stuffed animal? _It was the price tag's fault. Spare the guy._ Isn't that just a little sad? _

"Shut up!" He snapped, and she could pretty much imagine him subconsciously stabbing the nearest object. "I'm just calling to tell you that you're a fucking idiot!" And before Filai could insinuate any objections for the contrary, he continued. "You really think you can kick out nine fucking years of nonstop bullshitting communication with just one week?"

She faltered. "Well it was to be on the safe s—"

"We don't need it!" Was the cutting interruption. "And fuck, you really think I'd run out of insults for _you? _Even if I didn't want to, you're so goddamn annoying it's fucking impossible."

_I don't think I should be taking that positively—_

"WHY THE FUCK WOULD I GIVE HALF A SHIT ABOUT THE FUCKING WEATHER? OR YOUR DAMN SCHOOL? AND I NEVER FUCKING USE PROPER GREETINGS, YOU SHIT FOR BRAINS!"

_That wasn't my—_

"AND!" Then, he hesitated, and his words fumbled. "Uh, that's...er..." Pause. "You can be a blanket."

Filai blinked. "What?"

"Well, that's...VOI! FUCK, YOU SHITTY PRINCE, GET OUT OF THE ROOM!" There were sounds of crashes, and Bel's 'ushishishishi' somewhere in the background. More crashing, some cracks and explosions. Much swearing. Finally, a door slammed, and Squalo's voice was back in the receiver, slightly more strained than before. "What I meant was since I have to be your fucking pillow, then you can be a blanket." Pause. "It's only fair, isn't it?"

_I don't even understand what you're talking about. _Filai said in dumb disbelief.

"I hate you." Squalo groaned. "And for the record—"

"I have to hang up." Filai cut off. The footsteps were getting louder. Heavier, and more frequent. It was like some sick countdown to her ultimate, inevitable demise. Not the most pleasant thing,a to say the least."Sorry, urgent business."

"Bastard." Was the irate response. He was probably frowning. "I don't know your schedule. Call me tomorrow."

Filai was startled by the request. She also wasn't sure how to answer it without somehow explaining her craptastic position of domestic abuse and violence. The last thing she needed was a five hour rant on her failure choices. "Actually, I don't think I'll have a cha—"

"_Call. Me." _

"I don't even know if I'll have my phone—"

"CALL. ME."

"But—"

"VOI! HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS TO GET IT THROUGH YOUR SHITTY HEAD—"

"Fine. I'll call you." Filai said exasperatedly. "B-but, I'm still not sure if...well, fine. I'll..." She took a shaky breath. "I'll see. I mean, yeah."

"If you call late and wake me up, I'll kill you." Was the short answer. There was a click, and the line went dead.

Filai stared at the phone for seconds. Her fingers loosened their grip. The cell phone slid out of her hand, clattering noisily on the tile ground. _Wh-what was that? That person always seems cuter every time I talk to him._ Weird. Maybe it was the blood loss. Now that Mukuro was gone, she was having no problem bleeding her guts out onto the ground. She wondered who was going to mope it up.

It wasn't fair. As if the feeling wasn't bad enough already, but thanks to that sharky bastard, she really wanted to go back to the Varia.

* * *

**Omake**

One day, many, many years ago.

"VOI! WHAT THE FUCK, XANXUS?" Squalo was hollering about one insignificant thing or another at his disinterested, already slightly dozing boss. "You know I can't fucking fly to Antarctica in half a fucking hour, you fucking son of a—" The point is, lots of 'fuck, fuck, fuck', and you get the idea (just who the hell is there to kill in Antarctica anyway? Penguins? Is it penguins?).

A light tap on his arm made the rabid swordsman pause briefly in his incessant yelling. Both he and Xanxus glanced down and found a nine year old Filai staring at them curiously. Her head cocked to the side in child innocent bemusement. "What does 'fuck' mean?" She asked, voice flat. Completely harmless, of course.

The two men exchanged blank looks. With a cough, Xanxus wordlessly slid out of the room, leaving his unfortunate subordinate to deal with the even more unfortunate issue. The bastard.

Exactly two minutes and sixteen seconds passed. Squalo squirmed. "Uh," He said uncomfortably, and internally wondered if murdering children was in any way against social norms. "I don't think I should tell you that." Seeing Filai's disappointed expression, he groaned. "Fine, FINE. I'll tell you what it means." Pause. Pause. Maybe he shouldn't give her the real definition. "It just...uh," More pause. Finally. "It's just another way to say 'talk with', alright?" Squalo spat out, gesturing vehemently. "I was just talking with the shitty Boss, got it? Now go away. Go get Luss to make you a cookie or something."

Before Filai could answer, Squalo hastily seized her by the shoulders and shoved her out. He sighed in relief. Awkward explanation avoided.

Five minutes later,

"So what was Squ doing in the Boss' office anyway?" Lussuria chirped as he merrily stirred the bowl of cookie batter. Chocolate chips. Lurking somewhere nearby, eight year old Bel eyed the bowl with some maniacal streak of utter delight in that grin of his. Predatory was always his thing, apparently.

Filai blinked, contemplative. Wait, now was the time to show her enhanced vocabulary! "He told me he was fucking Xanxus."

Silence.

It got worse after that.

* * *

**A/N:** The Future arc is next chapter. Prepare for more Filai torturing, because sadists are usually created by sadists. It's a relative thing.

For anyone who read the original version, I hope this is a little better. I think Mukuro was a little more in character this time (though I just HAD to compensate for the lack of crappiness, so I had to go and make Squalo OOC instead; someone can maul me to death now). Any comments on this are welcome too (even though it's so insanely long that I think your minds should be overloaded with random crap by now).

And the omake: Misconstrued SX instead of XS. You people can go torch me to death now.


	16. Chapter 15

**A/N:** For those who haven't read the rewritten version of chapter 14, then please do so. There're a few references in this chapter to things from the previous chapter that wasn't in the first version, so you might get confused. Though the new version is insanely long, so I don't know how anyone will put up with that.

* * *

**Chapter 15**

**Northern Italy**

Snow crunched loudly under the heavy soles of Squalo's boots as he trudged through the half dead landscape. Behind him, Bel gleefully left a trail of bright red stains as he dragged along an unidentifiable corpse/makeshift toy that he had picked up a couple towns back.

(After wrapping up the gory conclusions of their seventeenth police chase (which by then had included army tanks and about half the national air force) Squalo had generously offered to buy him a Barbie substitute. But no, said the royally spoiled asshole. It _had _to be a human body, and it _had _to have its guts trailing from the stomach and _no, _stuffed animals with its stuffing protruding from the seams did _not fucking count_)

"Oi, are we there yet?" Bel drawled complainingly, unwittingly smearing blood on his sparkling tiara as he brushed his dirty hands against it. "We've been walking for two hours. I don't get why we can't just take the car."

"Luss can't drive in this weather." Squalo snapped, gesturing vehemently to the foot deep layer of snow clouding their legs like some sick nauseous gas. "Fuck, _nobody _can drive half an inch in this shithole without killing off the engine."

"Bet I can, ushishishi." Bel said wickedly, teeth flashing as his lips twisted in a maniacal grin. Thoughts of horrors and destruction filling his mind, no doubt.

Squalo swiped at the impudent fool with his sword. The prince spiraled out of reach. "Voi, don't be stupid. You don't even have a driver's license."

"Not my fault those cardboard people they used on the test were too realistic." Bel protested. "Did you _see _that one with the old lady and the walker? You can't _not_ run that one over. Besides, at least I didn't blow up the engine four times in a row, like the Boss."

"Seven." Was the tortured answer, Squalo's brow wrinkling in frustration at the mere memory of it. "He already took the exam a few times before you joined." Not to mention the two other attempts that had resulted in near annihilation of Milan.

"Better than Levi, at least. How many times did he take it?"

"Forty three."

Bel whistled. "Forty three?"

"Point seven." Squalo added reluctantly, mentally reaching for the memory bleach.

An edgy silence. Bel might've blinked. "I don't even want to know, do I?"

The Varia second in command was beginning to think that there was actually a reason why Lussuria was the only one in the Varia to have ever successfully obtained his driver's licenses. Maybe he should follow the damn necrophiliac's example and invest in counterfeit after all.

Maneuvering leisurely, Bel, being the practical creature he was, went and stuffed the dead body in a hollow tree. "I'll give it to Luss when we come back." He laughingly surveyed his handiwork. "If I feel like it. Ushishishi."

"Was that thing even a guy?" Squalo furrowed his brows in disgust.

"Can't remember." Bel glanced behind his shoulder. He crinkled his nose in frustration. "Can't tell anymore either. Wanna go check?"

Squalo threw a cactus at the little fucktwit. "Hurry up. You're goddam slow."

* * *

**3 weeks later**

Filai blinked.

Within three minutes of waking up, being the genius sort of mind she was, she had successfully deducted two things. 1) She was in a bed. 2) There was a peacock at her bedside. A giant, glowing peacock. Seriously. It was glowing. She stared at it, and for moments, it stared back. Then, its feathery light dimmed, and then gradually died down. The bird turned heels and trotted busily out of the room.

_What was that? _

Deciding that she must be high on morphine, Filai readily moved on with life. Turning away from the doorway, she swept a glance through her surroundings. And internally died. IV needles jammed in her arm, medical machines perched ominously next to her bed. Why the hospital again? Why the unnecessary déjà vu? It was too cruel.

At least it wasn't because of a metal pole. Hopefully.

She put a hand to her head. Or, at least, tried to. It took Filai almost seven seconds to realize that her arm was having much difficulty being lifted. She could move it. But the wave of exhaustion that washed over her arm was too unnatural. _So I've reached a new level of physical decay? That means theoretically, I've somehow made a historical occurrence? _She could imagine the newspaper headlines. GIRL UNABLE TO LIFT WEIGHT OF HER OWN ARM. A STARTLING DISCOVERY!

Pause.

Filai twitched. _Like hell I want to be famous for something like that_. She mentally kicked a rock. _Just what am I thinking? Of course I'm in this state. My arm's broken. _Though it didn't hurt, so maybe it healed by now.

Pause.

Wait, her arm's not broken. As in, well, _NOT BROKEN HOLY SHIT WHAT WAS THIS? _

After concluding that her arm was indeed not broken, Filai decided that this was much food for thought. For she was quite sure that her dad would never let her arm to heal. Or put her in a hospital room, for that matter. Much less one with not dead flowers in the flower vase, and not dead fish on the dinner plate next to her.

Hold on, wasn't fishsupposed to be dead on the dinner plate? Filai checked it again. Sure enough, the fish was moving, flopping feebly in a small slop of ketchup and mustard, parsley decorating the sides. She went slightly pale. _So now those bastards are going to use feeding torture on me? Well, then again the Varia could do better. _Silence. Right, who was she kidding? _LIKE HELL THE VARIA WOULD'VE THOUGHT OF SOME CONVOLUTED TORTURE LIKE THIS! _

To think, she had bore all those horrible interrogation methods without losing it, only to meet her end through mercury poisoning.

"Ah. She woke up." A very monotone voice. "She took her time, huh?"

Frog.

That was the first thing that rudely intruded Filai's mind when she turned around. It was a giant, pitch black frog. With big froggy eyes, and a froggy grin. And it was eating a person. There was a _person _clamped his mouth. "So, I'm assuming you're some weird mutant creature that the scientists back in the lab created just for the hell of it, right?"

The frog did not move. The unhappy guy clamped in the frog mouth was, as one would expect, unhappy. "Senpai, I think you're looking at the wrong thing." He drawled unenthusiastically, and Filai glanced a step down. Flatly returning the look was a young male of unidentifiable age, green eyes laced with small black markings on the corners and matching hair sticking out from under the frog mouth.

"I see, so they synchronized your brain with the frog's brain so now the frog can communicate with humans." Filai expounded knowingly, somewhat fascinated by the gruesome notion. "In other words, you're basically playing puppet for a frog, right?" _Dear god, the stupidity you must feel. How do you put up with being such a low level existence? Life must be so boring. _

He tilted his head at an angle, studying her curiously. "As expected of the stupid long hair senpai's friend." He declared with much finality. "You're weird too."

"Say that again and I'll shove your face in a blender and press dissolve."

"Ah, but that sounds painful." Froggy admitted, head shaking at the prospect. "Besides, the fact that you said something gross like that with such a normal expression means that you're even more of a freak than my master. At least he has a scary serial killer smile when he says it." He pensively considered, before reasoning. "I don't think our blender has a 'dissolve' button."

She was getting a headache. _That's not really the point. _

Froggy insisted on being helpful. "We have a liquefy button though. Umbrella senpai got the corner of his sleeve caught in the blade, and almost lost a finger." Before Filai could answer, he nudged a cup of coffee into her hand. She blankly stared at it. "Captain senpai told me to give it to you." He said by way of explanation.

Warily blinking at the dark liquid, Filai was surprised to find that the coffee looked and smelled normal, but, "And this isn't poisoned?"

He shook his head stubbornly. "If I poisoned it, then the scary captain will probably chop my head off. Since he likes you a lot, and he's always waving his giant blade around like he's high on drugs. Like this." He made some erratic swishing motion with his left hand, as if wielding a sword. "It goes _whish, _and then _swoosh, _and then after that something usually breaks. He broke our scarier boss' wineglass once. The hospital bills were scarier than the captain AND the boss though."

"Ah, I see." Filai was very irate. _Just what kind of madhouse is my family? The Viavideche's dangerously approaching Varia's level of insanity. _She reluctantly took a sip from her coffee. Strange, it was good. Or, not good, but familiar. She was pretty sure Lussuria was the only one who could pull this flavor off. Uncertainly returning the cup to its saucer, Filai snapped her attention back to—"So what's your name?"

Froggy thought for a moment. "Bel." He said finally.

Filai stared.

"Ah, don't worry." He put a consoling hand on her shoulder. "It's natural to be confused. I just got a really big makeover."

_What kind of sick humor is this?_

"It's the truth." He insisted defensively. "Lussuria senpai is just creepily good with make-up."

"Like Lussuria can do anything like—" Filai faltered, drifting off when the frog's words registered in the back of her head. _Did he just say Lussuria senpai? _"You know Lussuria?"

He nodded. "Lussuria's my senpai, after all. You don't remember him?"

"But I thought you're from the Viavideche."

"Please don't talk like a brainless loser, senpai." Froggy muttered under his breath, and pointed at himself. Or namely, at his uniform. "Please pay close attention to the ugly design of my clothing. I think visuals might be easier for you to understand than actual words, since you're an imbecile."

_YOU have a FROG eating your brains!_

Much offended, froggy put a desolate hand on the frog eating his head. "It's a hat." He said glumly. "Bel senpai wouldn't let me take it off."

"I thought you said you _were _Bel."

"Oh, well." Froggy blinked, and announced monotonously "Ah, I have blown my cover."

_As if I believed you in the first place, you frog fetish— _She ignored his unhappy expression, and glanced down at his uniform. She promptly fell out of the bed. _As I thought. I'm definitely hallucinating. It's that Mukuro bastard, I just know it! Next time I get my hands on the little shit—_

So just what DID happen after Mukuro's insane scheme? Bathroom. She had been in the bathroom from what she could vaguely remember. The files down the drain, and all that. What had been after that? Fainted? Did she faint after that? If that were the case, then she should be with the Viavideche right now. Locked away in the cell with the rats and shackles and lack of coffee, not lying in a hospital with a guy in a modified Varia uniform sitting next to her.

The Varia emblem was sewn on the upper side of the froggy's left sleeve. The front of the uniform was still black, with the sides colored a whitish tan. There was a hood, hems heavily lined with fur, and Filai very much hoped the guy's frog hat wasn't a part of the clothes regimen because Xanxus in a frog hat was just mind raping enough to put Mukuro Rokudo to shame.

"You still don't get it, do you, Senpai?" Froggy said in resignation, shaking his head as Filai somehow managed to drag herself back onto her bed. "This is the Varia headquarters. I'm Fran the magician. See, I can pull stuff out of my hat." He made movement to remove the hat from his head.

As if on trigger, knives came flying. With dull thuds, they landed deep inside the back of the hat. And presumably its owner's head.

"Oi, Fran, didn't I tell you to keep that hat on?"

The voice reached her mind. Filai promptly dropped both saucer and coffee cup. Hot liquid splashed all over her lap, and she effectively ignored it in favor of staring at that familiar presence slinking into the room, pearl white teeth flashing and knives cradled between his fingers as he ominously advanced on his prey.

Now properly identified, Fran shrank back and ducked behind Filai's bed. As if there weren't knives digging cheerily in the back of his head. "Filai senpai, save me from the rabid senpai. He was never loved enough as a child and now has violent megalomaniac issues to compensate for his sad childhood—"

And Bel, the not illusion/delusion/hallucination that was Bel, launched another set of knives. They shot past Filai's face and lodged themselves into the front of Fran's hat, knocking the poor guy over. "Ushishi, I told you not to keep making up that kind of crap about me." He pulled out another knife, but paused as he noticed Filai staring at him. "Oh, you're awake? About time. It's been weeks since we nabbed you back." He said imperiously, plopping down on the end of her bed and sitting on her legs. She winced. "A prince went all the way to North Italy to fetch your sorry ass, so be grateful."

_Uh, yeah. Sure. _Filai blankly took in Bel's altered appearance. His hair looked like one of Gokudera Hayato's bombs had made its way into it, and he might've grown taller. It was a bit of a drastic change for such a short time. No, just how long had she been asleep? _Why are you here? _

"What? This is the HQ, isn't it?" The prince remarked snidely, fingers twirling in a rude gesture. "Of course I'm here, ushishishi."

The headquarters. Was he referring to the Varia HQ? "So you rescued me?"

"Yep, that's right."

Filai was doubtful. "But the Viavideche's main base isn't in Northern Italy."

He shrugged offhandedly, tiara sparkling in his hair as he gleefully began tormenting Fran into the pits of lunacy. "Who ever said anything about those freaks?"

_I think I lost track of the conversation. _Filai tried to push herself up, only to decide that the energy draining that came along wasn't quite worth it_. Something feels wrong. _"My body feels like all the muscles wasted away."

"Well, that's to be expected." Fran offered with some difficulty as he struggled against Bel's death grip around his neck. "Since you've been dead for the past te—"

"Oi, you're blabbering, you stupid brat." Bel tightened his hold, and Fran was much displeased. "If she starts hyperventilating because of your commoner foolishness, then we'll never hear the end of it from Squalo. Next time think with your frog head before you start talking."

The frog hat slid lopsidedly over Fran's eyes. "Senpai, please let me go. I can't breathe."

"Ushishishi, that's the point."

"Please stop talking, Bel senpai. Your idiocy is damaging the IQ of the entire mansion."

Leaving the pair to their own insidious activities, Filai lowered her head to once again contemplate her situation. The Varia couldn't have broken into the Viavideche base by themselves. That would've been virtual suicide. And in the first place why would they even bother trying to pull off such an insane scheme just for her? Unless maybe Lussuria lost his cooking ability somehow and they all got tired of takeout food? That might be it.

"And why would we risk our lives because of takeout food?" Fran droned perplexedly, as if the Varia hadn't almost singlehandedly annihilated South Italy's liquor industry on orders of Xanxus just because his tequila orders were mixed up with apple juice. It was good apple juice too.

"Well, it _is _takeout food." Bel mumbled under his breath, sweat sliding. "The calories."

And Fran dutifully proclaimed "And that's why good kids should never eat out too much unless they want to die a gruesome and uncool death of diabetes and cancer." He turned to the screen. "So please limit your dietary to home cooked meals. It'll save your wallet too. Wallets are cuter when they're fat, after all. Just like Bel senpai."

Bel knocked over Fran's legs.

* * *

Leaving them was a good idea, Filai decided as she pulled herself through the outside corridor at snail's pace, leaning heavily against the wall for support.

She wasn't sure how long she had been out and away. A couple months, maybe? Filai would say around five to eight months, judging by her hair. It had grown at least eight or nine inches, and wasn't quite straight, in a strange, neglected, been-submerged-in-water-for-decade manner. Bangs were too long now too. She should get a haircut as soon as possible, this time _not _by Squalo.

_So, eight month coma. Fun. _Filai sighed, tugging irately on some of her hair. She should've expected something like that, but as mortifying as the idea of losing almost a year of her life was, it could have been worse. Her kind and generous father would have had little trouble putting her to sleep for decades, or maybe forever. The asshole.

Then that Fran, if he called Bel 'senpai', then he must be the Cloud replacement. Even though he didn't seem particularly strong. But then again, neither had Hibari Kyouya, and look what happened there. Gola Mosca. Killer robot. One hit, one _second _K.O. As cute as he was, that guy Filai never wanted to meet in a dark alley. A sushi shop, maybe. But not an alley.

The manor hallway hadn't been altered all that much (though she didn't recall that ten foot diameter crater in the floor being there). Then again, nobody was ever remotely interested in interior design anyway, so she supposed the place would look the same even if she had been gone for one or ten years.

Barely managing to pull herself to the second floor, Filai found that her room was still, well, her room. Well, the door was still her door, at least.

_And when I open it, I'm going to find it's converted into an indoor theater or something. _She put a hand on the knob. _Xanxus always wanted one. Booking the entire movie theater every time he went was getting too expensive, I guess._

The moment the door entered, a massive cloud of dust filled the air. Filai stepped back. She covered her mouth with her arm as the gray particles permeated the air around her. She coughed. _Is this seriously just eight months of dust accumulation? Even five years wouldn't get this kind of build up. _

The entire room was dark, the curtains drawn in front of the windows and, it seemed, nearly glued together with layers of grime. The light that spilled in from the hallway was barely enough for Filai to feel out the light switch.

_Click. _

Pause.

_Click. Click. _

Pause. The lights didn't work. Alright, so she hated the world. What else was new?

"Somehow, I'm beginning to wonder if I've been really gone for only so many months." Filai mumbled as she walked back out of her decrepit room, shutting the door behind her in a flurry of dust and flying filth. _Ah, this is bad. I'm getting tired. I'm going to fall asleep in the middle of the hallway at this rate. _

Nevertheless, she walked on. Or, more accurately, half walked half dragged herself on. Her conscious durability could hold on a bit longer. Well, not like she was giving it a choice. No way in hell she was going to sleep in that germ infested area that was the former glory of her bedroom.

Five minutes and twenty feet later, Filai knocked contently.

A moment's pause. The knob turned, and the door was forcibly wrenched open. Right on time.

Pause. "Hi." Pause. "Good night." Filai said faintly, at approximately ten in the morning, before crumpling soundlessly into a startled Superbia Squalo's arms.

* * *

**Infirmary**

"So that was Filai senpai."

"What, you don't seem surprised." Bel commented as he happily dumped the remains of Filai's abandoned coffee over Fran's head.

Fran shrugged dully as the brown liquid dribbled sluggishly from his hat and hair. He scrunched his brow into an unsettled thinking position. "She's just like how my master described her." He admitted resignedly. "Sort of stupid, but at the same time not."

Bel rammed a fist against his head. "As if that makes any sense!"

"It can't be helped." Fran winced, miserably rubbing his head. "It's not my fault that your mind is too small to comprehend anything with depth, Bel senpai. Please don't blame other people for your own pathetic faults. It's very off putting."

"You bastard, do you want to die that much?"

* * *

It was dark. Nighttime, she guessed.

Filai gingerly pushed herself up into a clumsy sitting position, thick plush covers sliding off her in droves. Rubbing her eyes sleepily, she cast a disoriented glance at the surroundings. Large, with little furniture or decorations. Half barren and remotely impersonal, except for the occasional sword accessory scattered carelessly on the floor.

_As usual, he doesn't have any tact when it comes to aesthetic matters. _Swinging her legs over the edge of the bed, Filai looked at the glowing red numbers of the digital alarm clock perched on the bedside table. 3:57 AM. _Squalo's not here. Did he have something to do? _

Standing up, Filai started walking towards the door. There wasn't any light peering from the cracks of the entrance; so everyone else was asleep too.

_Can't see too well. Shit. What if I step on one of his swords? Won't I lose my toes? Actually, that'd be kind of interesting. But I don't want to go through something that miserable just because it's interesting! Besides, it's so dark that I probably can't see it fully—_

Her foot hit something on the ground. _Oh shi—_She promptly tripped, and fell onto something—

"Ow, _FUCK. _What the hell?"

Or someone.

Filai might've died on the inside. That voice. It couldn't be. "Squalo?"

Groaning groggily under his breath, the swordsman reached a hand up to push strands of his hair out of his face, loose threads of white sliding from his eyes as he shot her a half hearted glare. Not that she could see that clearly, but there were killer vibes to go on with. "You think?"

So it was him.

"'s the time?" He groped blindly to his right, remembered a tad too late that he wasn't in his bed, and his clock was in fact nowhere near arm's reach.

"Almost four."

"In the _morning?_"

_It's pitch dark. Use your head. _

Squalo's arm flopped back down with a faint thud. Some resigned defeat. Well, sort of. "I hate you."

It's been months since she last saw Squalo, and well, maybe it didn't seem like it for her but Filai felt some need to do some catching up; jibs, insults to exchange like mini presents with ticking time bombs sealed under the wrappings. Except now he was tired, half asleep, not in the best condition for any intelligent conversation (as if he ever was).

So instead, "Why're you sleeping on the ground?" Filai asked, staring at the wrinkled uniform coat that he had been using as a makeshift blanket. It was sporting the same erratic design as Bel's and Fran's.

"Couch's taken." Was the barely intelligible reply. He yawned, gesturing sloppily. "Papers'n shit. Fucking Boss shoved all the work on me."

Xanxus, compassionate to the core (to himself) as always. _But that's not my point. _"What I meant was why don't you sleep on the bed?"

He flinched visibly. "You shitting me? How the fuck am I supposed to share the damn bed with you?"

"You never had a problem with it before."

Squalo tiredly propped himself up on his elbows, shooting her a half asleep glare. "It's not like you're still seventeen, you know."

Filai blinked, and shrugged. _Right, right. I guess I should've turned eighteen by now. But still, _"Seventeen, eighteen. Is there that big of a difference?"

Squalo didn't answer. He laid back down, irately turning his back to her. "Go back to sleep." He muttered, sounding infinitely more exhausted than what was acceptable of social norms applied to ruthless assassins with feminine hygiene. "I'll tell you what's going on in the morning."

"Why not now?"

"Because I _don't WANT _to."

"That's narcissist reasoning, you know."

"Shut up." He groaned miserably. "Just go to sleep already. I don't want to talk."

Filai frowned, reluctantly giving in. She surreptitiously scooted over, curling on the carpet next to him and closing her eyes. It wasn't that she wasn't happy. That she was back with the Varia, she was, really really really happy, for the lack of a better term. But there was something different. Something felt off. She had a bad feeling.

* * *

**A/N:** I don't know why, but Fran has become my favorite character to write. Which is sort of sad because it's fully possible I messed up on him horribly, but it's amusing imagining Fran's monotone voice being the pinnacle of all that is evil and insulting and then getting pawned by Bel for it.

And this chapter was also slightly rushed (which is sadder given MY ONE MONTH DELAY HOLY CRAP I FEEL MISERABLE! SORRY ALL!) and I wanted to put in the explanations in this chapter, but, well, stuff. School has started for me now, so updates might become more erratic.

Thank you for reading and reviewing! I hope you'll enjoy future chapters.


	17. Chapter 16

**A/N: **Back from the depths of one place or another THAT INCLUDES COLLEGE APPS DON'T HURT ME. Anyhow, I needed a break, decided to force this out within an hour or so after at least three other rejected versions. And that's about it. Sorry for the delay. But winter break is almost coming up. If I'm lucky, I'll fit in one more update before the New Year comes around.

* * *

Chapter 16

Filai was in a bad mood.

Squalo knew that Filai was in a bad mood.

He realized that Filai was in a bad mood when Lussuria told her that she had to take another month of rehabilitation (Varia style, which is BRUTAL, I must say) to restore her wasted muscles and regain full usage of her body. She had reacted almost violently. Her hand spazzed rather painfully. She had spilt sixty four percent of her coffee over her shirt, rather than the predicted twenty point seven. The mind waves surrounding her had intensified to the point of inducing nausea. The flowers in the room did not wither and die only because they were already dead to begin with.

Filai also gave him a cookie. Tried to, at least.

"Fuck off." Squalo had stated, quite bluntly. To his surprise (or worry for the state of her mental stability), instead of pursuing the matter on grounds of him being an ungrateful bastard who should just stick his head under a guillotine, Filai had politely fed the cookie to the goldfish tank.

Turned out the cookie was poisoned. How did he find out? Well, two hours after the cookie feeding, Squalo had ended up forcing Fran to dig little graves for the K.I.A'd goldfish.

Must've been her way to relieve stress.

Anyhow, Filai must've been in a very bad mood, he later decided, so utterly confused that he didn't even notice one of Xanxus' filled wineglasses crashing into his head. He walked on ignorantly with hair sopped with grape wine. Maybe he should ask why she was in a bad mood.

In any case, the main issue at the moment was that Filai still thought she had been knocked out of active Mafia duty for about a year.

When in reality she had been knocked out of all things living and _life _for a little less than TEN (fucking) years.

"This is rare." Filai said.

Squalo blinked, and looked up from where Filai was sitting on her bed. "What?"

"You look like you're actually trying to think." She raised her coffee cup up slightly, as if congratulating him. _I never knew you had it in you._

There was a twitch in his arm. He could feel it. "Voi, you do realize the only reason I haven't fucking spiked your head on the wall is because Luss is too busy playing nurse to cook, and Bel's scared of takeout food, right?"

So the food _was _the reason why they nabbed her back. How thoughtful of them, the self-centered bitches. "But I can't cook right now. I can only hold up an empty frying pan for about ten seconds max."

Squalo cringed. Details! Who the fuck needed them?

Apparently Filai did, and Squalo brandishing his sword blade in her flatly expressioned face obviously wasn't going to change things. He did so anyway, because it was good stress relief. Filai was mildly annoyed. But screw her.

"Anyway, I've been meaning to ask you. How do you stand maintaining your hair?" She pointed accusingly at his pretty soft tresses as if identifying a criminal on trial. Now that Squalo noticed, Filai's hair wasn't as horribly disheveled as it was yesterday; it was neatly pulled back in a low ponytail. _Do you know how long it took me to comb my damn hair? Two hours. TWO HOURS. _

Squalo paused in his mindless sword waving, thought about it, and suggested. "You just fail at being a girl."

_I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT FROM YOU! _"I'm going to cut my hair as soon as I—"

_Slice. _

Filai stopped.

Squalo blinked. It must've been the twitch. His left hand had slipped slightly. Just very, mildly, ever so slightly. Barely noticeable, except, well, not barely. Just, uh, really, really noticeable. Partially because his hand had angled a bit at an odd direction, but mostly because—

She sighed a very exasperated sigh, as if attempting to swallow all her murderous impulse and convert it into some boundless sea of patience and forgiveness and no, that didn't really work out too well. Since it's Filai. _Squalo, you did that on purpose, didn't you? _

"Uh," Squalo said intelligently, as he stared blankly at the fluttering jagged edges of Filai's now horribly curtailed hair. The rest and majority had spilled gracelessly over the bed. He stood up resignedly. "I'll go get the superglue."

_LIKE HELL I WANT TO GLUE MY HAIR BACK, YOU IDIOT. _

He thought about it. She was right. Superglue might come off in the shower. Then again, he was Superbia Squalo. He could make it work. Oh, wait. He had a better idea. "Luss should have a sewing machine somewhere—"

Filai seemed very ready to call the psycho ward on him. _YOU CAN'T SEW HAIR BACK! _

"We've got bandages in the first aid kit—"

Something seemed to snap in Filai. _GO RUN IN FRONT OF AN ARMY TANK._

So this what he gets for being fucking _considerate _for a change? And people wonder why he loved being a bastard. Screw this civilized shit. He gave up. "VOI! YOU WANTED A GODDAMN HAIRCUT IN THE FIRST PLACE! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU COMPLAINING?"

_I WAS TALKING ABOUT SOMEONE WITH ACTUAL HAIR CUTTING CREDIBILITY, YOU HALF WIT. NOT SOME MACHETE WIELDING SEXUALLY AMBIGUOUS ASSHOLE WITH VAGUE GENDER DISTINCTIONS. _

"VOI! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO COME BACK TO THE GODDAMN VAGUE GENDER DISTINCTIONS?"

_BECAUSE IT'S TRUE! Oh shit— _Filai ducked as Squalo threw a chair at her.

Only to accidentally fall backwards and topple off her bed. The crash was much music to Squalo's ears. "Ow." Pause. "T-that was a cheap shot." And then. "You do realize you're a bitch, right?"

"Yeah." Squalo walked around the bed, bending down as he easily dragged Filai up from the ground. She was light. Unhealthily so. "You're not eating."

"Yes I am." Filai pointed to the wastebasket in the room, which was filled to the top with empty chicken soup cans. She caught Squalo's deadpan look. "What? Something wrong?"

He thought about it. "Yeah. You." Without further ado, he shoved her over his shoulder. She floundered rather pathetically like rubber. Curse this muscle deterioration. Bits of hair still floated drearily from the edge of her still connected hair. "You need to eat more. We're going to the kitchen."

"But I like chicken soup." Filai objected. "It's healthy."

"You need to eat something else." Squalo stated flatly.

"I don't want to."

"You don't have a choice."

"Yes I do."

Squalo thought about it. Force feeding probably wasn't the best solution in this case, since the last time he tried to force feed one, the unfortunate victim had ended up dead (it didn't help that the food was poisoned). Then an idea came to mind. He dropped her back onto her bed. "Wait a minute." He told her and stalked out of the room.

A while later, he came back and shoved a heated can of chicken soup into Filai's hands. She stared at him. "What is this?"

"What the fuck does it look like?"

"I thought you didn't want me to drink any more chicken soup."

He glared at her venomously, once again angrily waving his sword around in emphasis. "Just _drink it, _goddamn it!"

Deciding that trying to understand Squalo's train of thoughts wasn't going to help her mental stability, Filai stared down at the soup. She frowned. "Hey," She briefly looked back up at him. "I don't have a spoo..."

Her voice drifted off.

What the fuck.

Maybe she was hallucinating. Or was this some twisted dream? Did Lussuria give her too much drugs? Was this what it's like to be high? Or maybe she was just going crazy, because why in the world was Squalo _holding a live chicken in front of her face? _

Aside from the chicken's squawking, the silence hung like a dead weight in the room. Squalo was looking rather triumphant, for whatever reason his crackpot mind had conceived. Filai wondered if all those glasses to the head he had taken over the years had finally caused his mind to break.

Minutes ticked by.

Finally. "S-Squalo, what are...you...doing?" Filai had to struggle to force the words out. She had surely developed some psychosomatic issue that had caused her speaking ability to cease its proper functions. It must be the trauma. Or maybe a stroke. Or maybe a heart attack. Was she going to die of a heart attack at such an early age?

Brows scrunching at the question, Squalo shook the forlorn chicken around. It gave a complaining cry. "Voi, isn't it obvious, fucktwit?" He snapped as-a-matter-of-factly. "You think the chicken's cute, don't you?"

Filai's mind was at shattering point. D-did Squalo just say "cute"? As in Superbia Squalo? That's it. A stroke. She _must _be getting a stroke now. S-so people start hallucinating when they're dying, huh? This is how it's like to be on the verge of death? Or was this some divine punishment for being a complete bastard over the course of her life? _Maybe it wasn't too late to repent. I see now. I was too evil over the course of my life. I now see the error of my ways. Please forgive me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. _

Puzzled at her state of near catatonic shock, Squalo waved a hand in front of her face. "What the hell's wrong with you?"

_So it's true. I'm going to die early. Here. And now. _

"Voi, are you listening?"

_I haven't even made a will yet. Maybe if I scrape up a quick one in my mind right now, I can die in peace. U-uh, Tsunayoshi kun can have my biology textbooks. Bel can have the kitchen knife set that's not really mine. Squalo can have my copy of Black Ops, even though I haven't even gotten around to opening it yet. I'm sure even his stunted mind can enjoy the zombie mode. He could relate—_

"DON'T FUCKING INSULT ME LIKE I'M NOT HERE, YOU ASSHOLE!"

She ignored him. _Please give me another chance. I'll donate to charity. I won't call my dad a bitch ever again, even though he deserves it. I'll never attack Tsunayoshi kun with hot coffee ever again. I'll be a good person. Please forgive me—_

Squalo dumped a bucket of ice over her head.

"..." Filai blinked as ice slid down her head and shirt. She was not pleased. _Just where did you get that? _

He shrugged, tossing the empty bucket aside. "You were busy saying sorry to whoever the fuck you were talking to. You probably didn't notice me leave." Sitting back down, he resumed waving the poor chicken around in front of her. "Anyway, this should've worked by now."

Filai was on the verge of a breakdown. "Just what are you trying to do? We've known each other for years. If you wanted to kill me, you could've at least chosen a less painful way. Like beheading, or shooting. Or lethal injection!"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Squalo said confusedly. The chicken flopped haplessly in his grip. "I'm just trying to get you to stop drinking chicken soup and eat something else."

_That makes no sense whatsoever._

Squalo groaned, rolling his eyes. "Fine. I'll fucking explain it to you, since you're too stupid to understand yourself." He gestured at the chicken. "You're supposed to think the chicken's cute. So you'll get attached to it. Then you'll look down at your chicken soup and realize that the soup is probably made out of this chicken's cousin or something. Then you'll feel guilty. And then you'll never touch chicken soup ever again! Got it?"

Dead silence.

Squalo shifted uncomfortably "W-what?"

Pause. Filai resisted the urge to hit her head on something hard. "Squalo. That was the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life."

Squalo threw the chicken at her.

* * *

"Wow, Senpai." Fran was in awe. He shot Filai two thumbs up. "You got a good haircut. You look at weird as ever."

Somehow, Filai didn't see any reason to be pleased with that remark. She bleakly tugged on one of her erratic side bangs, which trailed slightly longer than the other side. There had been enough length to tie part of her hair back, but much of it was fringes and bangs too short to be tied up. So now they hung rather painfully in front of her face and eyes, like little needles bent on poking her eyes out.

Squalo, the bastard. Why was it always his fault that her hair got so screwed up? Some sick irony this is.

"Do you need something, Fran?"

Fran sat down on the chair next to her head, frog covered head tilting curiously. "Nothing really. I was just wondering if stupid long hair senpai," This guy's nicknames were just getting lamer and lamer. "told you how long you were gone from the Varia."

_How long I was gone? _"He didn't tell me specifically, but I personally estimate it's a little less than a year." Filai said. "Why, is there something that happened since then?"

Thoughts ran through Fran's head. Something like, rise of Millifiore, all out Mafia war, near destruction of Vongola, death of Vongola Nono AND Decimo, dwindling of Vongola alliance, death of almost all Acrobelano, destruction of Vongola rings, etc. He should make a list. Fran shrugged and said flatly. "No, not much."

And life moved on.

"Speaking of which, Filai senpai. I heard you were in a bad mood in the morning." He said thoughtfully. "Did something happen?"

"Bad mood?" Pause. "Oh, right. That, I wouldn't necessarily call it bad mood." She said, bleakly sipping from her coffee cup. How in the world did coffee manage to taste stale? That couldn't be right. "It was more like I had a bad feeling. Purely intuitive, so it died off by itself. Why?"

Fran nodded, as if confirming something. "As I thought. It wasn't because it's that time of the month again, was it?"

Filai spat out her coffee. _WHY IS IT YOU PEOPLE ALWAYS ASSUME THAT THAT'S THE REASON? IS THIS SOME FORM OF SEXISM OR SOMETHING?_

He was defensive. "According to my master, that's the number one likely reason for females' bad moods. Of course, master isn't a girl himself, biologically at least. So I'm not sure how he knew." Though he did lock himself up in a girl's body for a while. Maybe that had something to do with things. "Speaking of which, I wonder how you dealt with your period when you were locked up in the Vendi—" He stopped. "Oops. I wasn't supposed to say that."

"Vendi?"

Pause. "Oh, by vendi, I mean—" Fran paused, deep in thought. "Ven-vendi, uh, vending..."

Another pause. "Vending?"

"Machine." Silence. Fran repeated with more confidence than he should be having in this kind of situation."Vending machine. You were in a vending machine. You know, the drink machine with the sodas and stuff. Yours had a Coco Cola logo on it. With a gerbil mascot." Pause. "It was a brown gerbil. It had sunglasses." He caught Filai's stare, and said almost resignedly. "You don't believe me, huh Senpai?"

_WHO THE HELL WOULD BELIEVE THAT BULLSHIT, YOU FROG EATEN BASTARD? _

* * *

**Hallway**

This was bad. She was definitely going to suspect something now.

After his grand escape (which involved a lot of turtles and bricks and hotdogs on a stick; explosive hotdogs), Fran skidded to a stop in a more isolated part of the mansion. He glanced behind his shoulder. Nobody was around. Sighing tiredly, he seated himself neatly on the floor before lightly patting his hand against the side of his head. "Master, are you there?"

_Kufufu. So you have news, useless student of mine. _The disembodied voice rang in his head like some creepy loud speaker directly to the ear. Fran sighed. It was getting sad how natural it was beginning to feel. _What is it? _

"You lied, Master." Fran complained. "A period isn't the root of all women related evil. Filai senpai said so. As I thought, you're the kind who likes to brag about your knowledge without anything backing you up."

The voice's response was wry. _You do realize that my imprisonment is the only thing that's keeping you alive at the moment. _

Fran nodded, despite his master not being able to see it. "Exactly. That's why I'm trying to fit in as many insults as possible while I still can. I hope you understand, Master. It's because you're really annoying, so I have to do it no matter what. Anyway." He added quickly before his master could reply with more threats of eternal pain. "Senpai still hasn't realized that she's been in a coma for ten years. You never told me how stupid she was."

_No, I believe it was less her stupidity than the rest of the Varia's. Mental damage is a contagious phenomenon, after all. _

"Oh? Master, did you just defend Senpai?" Fran asked in mild surprise. "That's rare, isn't it?"

His master scoffed, as if the very notion was nigh blasphemous. _Don't be mistaken, idiot apprentice. I wasn't defending her intelligence. I was insulting the Varia's. Yours included, of course. _

"No, that was undeniably an attempt at defense." His student stubbornly confirmed. "And if you're so annoyed about us not telling her, then why don't you do it? I'm sure you can easily access her mind like you can for me and that one girl with the eyepatch."

For a few seconds, there was no response from his master. Finally, _I'd rather not waste my time on such a trivial matter. _

Fran flatly clicked his tongue. "Master, you're currently stuck in a pickle jar. How can you have anything else to do except raid Hibari Kyouya's mind with weird pink flowery and sparkly images?"

_It's NOT a pickle jar, foolish apprentice. _His voice had an edge of annoyance ominously lacing his words. _It's a prison cell. _

"Filled with water and preservative chemicals and other unnamable liquids." Pause. "In other words, a pickle jar. From the pictures you sent me, the liquid's even green sometimes, with the right lighting. You're essentially like a pickled pineapple, aren't you, Master?" He wrinkled his nose. "That sounds sort of gross. At least you don't have to worry about anyone eating you—"

Mukuro Rokudo mentally sent a trident spearing straight through Fran's frog hat. And possibly head.

"Ah, Master. You've revealed your identity—"

_Shut up._

And thus, Fran continued on with life, without skipping a beat, the impressive little frog head he was. "Anyway, it seems that everyone's too scared to tell Filai senpai the truth. Boss is too lazy, Bel senpai and Levi senpai wouldn't do it either, Lussuria senpai insisted on shoving the job to Squalo senpai, and Squalo senpai just can't spit it out. Is Filai senpai that scary?"

_Oh, of course. You haven't been thoroughly acquainted with her S+M fetish, have you? _

"Huh?"

* * *

Filai flopped miserably on her bed, staring up at the white ceiling as her mind wandered back to the strange gut feeling she had been harboring in the morning. She had ignored it at first, but then Fran had brought it back to mind with that little spat of theirs. Now it was back and, judging by how long it's been around, more persistent than before.

She wanted to go for a walk. Except she really shouldn't, mostly because her legs were busy being wasted, and she had expended most of the energy she could afford today. Lussuria's odd peacock treatment had sped up her recovery rate considerably, but even a giant bird with cell activating properties could only so much when it came to muscle decay. Filai wasn't sure of the exact time span, but by now she had figured that maybe her coma had lasted longer than just one year.

For some reason, nobody would tell her anything. Maybe they just wanted to catch her when her mouth is full or something, so she'd choke on her food. The assholes they were.

_Geh, the bad feeling, bad feeling bad feeling bad feeling. I want to hit something. Except I'll probably only end up hurting myself instead. Of course, I can barely lift my arm for that long anyway. _Usually she'd at least have a rough idea as to what was annoying her. But in this case, it was literally coming out of nowhere.

_Bad feeling bad feeling bad feeling bad feeling bad feeling._

She was going to visit Xanxus.

It was the only option she had, now that Squalo was too busy acting weird to dish out information. Bel, Levi, and Lussuria were ruled out before they even made it to the list. Fran obviously couldn't keep a conversation halfway without either digressing or making her lose her temper. Her second choice normally would've been Marmon, but after these few days, she hadn't seen him at all. She highly doubted the infant would just miraculously appear when she needed him.

And, as much as she hated to admit it, spoiled personality and drunken habits aside, Xanxus could be classified as one of the saner members of the Varia. Or, no, sane wasn't the right word. At least he had simpler tastes in life; he liked alcohol, violence, sleeping, and himself. It made his mood swings a bit easier to predict.

So when Filai finally managed to half stumble half drag herself to Xanxus' room, she was much relieved to find him armed with tequila. His favorite drink. He's probably in a not bad mood right now. Or, maybe he was at least too wasted to aim furniture properly. She really wasn't in a state to dodge right now.

He spotted her at the door, and he scowled irately. "What do you want, trash?"

_You'll never learn manners, will you? _"Uh, not much. I just wanted to ask some things."

Xanxus paused, as if deciding whether or not he was in the mood to grace his hapless subordinate with any answer at all. But he was high on tequila and he hadn't had to touch any paperwork at all, thanks to the fucking shark. He'll relent today, and only today. "Make it quick."

Inflated ego all the way. Filai sighed. "Thanks, I guess." _So, let's see. _"I wasn't held at the Viavideche HQ. So where was I the whole time?"

His answer was unhesitant and merciless. "Vendicare."

The Vendicare? Oh right, that infamous Mafioso joint with the water prisons. Now that she thought about it, the Vendicare prison could be analogous to a vending machine. Except instead of holding cans of soda, the prison held cans of killer Mafioso. She was even sure that people can bail prisoners out with enough money (as in, REALLY ENOUGH); maybe they had slots for the billion dollar checks to be inserted into. Oh wait a moment.

_T-THE VENDICARE? _Filai would've spat out her coffee again, if she had any in her mouth. "What was I doing THERE?"

Shrugging, Xanxus took another graceless draught from his glass. To this day, Filai still wondered why he hadn't died from alcohol poisoning. "Floating in water and preservatives. What else is there to do in that shithole?"

_But WHY? _

He shot her a burning glare, and Filai immediately shut up. "Like I'd give a fuck what happened."

In other words, he didn't know. He could just say it flat out. "But the Vendicare's a lot more dangerous than the Viavideche." _Yet you somehow dragged me out. Should I be touched? _

"I don't like owing people." Xanxus stated simply.

_Wow, that almost made you sound like you had a conscience. Or are you just that wasted? _A couch whizzed past her ear. _Alright, alright, it was the conscience. You know, if you want people to say that honestly, it wouldn't hurt to have some human decency once in a while. _"What do you mean by owing?"

"Figure it out yourself."

And Filai took a moment to do so. Owing, owing, since when was Xanxus ever in debt to her? Maybe when Xanxus couldn't get into the sealed room the 9th was in during the Cradle Affair and she had managed to crash a helicopter through it? No, that was too long ago. He would've tried repaying her earlier if that was it. The cooking? So far, all evidence for a reason points to her cooking.

Or maybe, "You mean the deal the 9th made with me before I left?"

No answer from her boss. _You could just move your jaws for once and say yes. _

"Go fuck off."

_THAT TOOK EVEN MORE EFFORT THAN SAYING 'YES', DIDN'T IT? _

Speaking of which, the 9th's plan had been a strange proposal. Made sense in retrospect, of course, because otherwise she would've tried to shoot the old man rather than agree, but it just didn't seem like the type of plan that the 9th, or Sawada Iemitsu would've thought of. Especially considering how they barely knew she existed before said incident.

The basics were simple. They thought that tensions would ease between the Viavideche and the Vongola if the Vongola sent her back, like a peace offering of sorts. If she agreed, then the Varia could be free of treason charges and all will be happy.

Of course, she never really considered the fact that her dad was such a bitch until it was too late. Oh well.

"As always, you're too soft." Xanxus said irately. "Some fucking Mafioso you are."

_And you're very welcome, dear ungrateful bastard. _Filai gloomily shook her head at her boss' tenacity, before offering a half hearted shrug. "Well, to be honest, I don't really regret much, so I don't mind being a terrible Mafioso. After all, if I fill my schedule shooting people, I wouldn't have time for schoolwork and domestic slavery."

Xanxus snorted.

"That's all I needed." _Since you seem to be deprived of the rest of the info I wanted. And I think I'm about to faint right now. _She turned to leave, but stopped at the doorway. She glanced back at the Varia's boss. Looking at him always reminded her how the Varia never seemed to change. The nostalgia. _Ah, I think I'm tearing up. _

Xanxus caught her staring, and flashed back a vicious death look. "What?"

That jerked her out of her thoughts. She shook her head, suddenly feeling better than she had all day. _Nothing. _She clumsily ducked out of the room.

Xanxus as a counselor. She must be insane.

Right outside, she saw Squalo walking through the corridor. She might've been delusional, but he was clutching what appeared to be a stuffed animal. A chicken stuffed animal, to be horrifically specific.

He stopped as he passed her, looking rather confused. "Voi, what the fuck were you doing?"

_Just asking the boss something. _

"You're _alive?_"

Filai was smug. "I'm smart enough to catch him in a good mood." Before Squalo could object, she pointed almost warily at the stuffed animal in his hand. "Don't tell me you haven't given up that half wit plan of yours."

"SHUT UP." Squalo hissed, and subsequently shoved the stuffed animal into her face. "I'm going to fucking duct tape this piece of shit to your face the next time you even touch your fucking chicken soup."

Again with the chicken soup. Since when did Squalo become an expert on food nutrients anyway? He was an assassin. He chopped stuff up and yelled a lot. Food advice just wasn't in his field of expertise, and even if it was, she was not going to take it from someone who nommed on raw fish.

Filai wanted to facepalm as Squalo waved the innocuous stuffed chicken in front of her, spewing death threats and whatnot. Even though this was one of the rare times when Squalo's intentions were actually halfway decent (unless he was doing this just to piss her off, which she really wished was the case), this was getting kind of sad. "Hey, Squalo." She stated deadpan. You're my mom, aren't you?"

On cue, the chicken stopped waving. Squalo was much confused. His mind probably still hasn't successfully decoded the words yet, or else he would've put a crater through something by now. "...what?"

"Nothing. You're hallucinating."

"Did you just—"

_Hey. _She began poking him relentlessly. "You came at a good time. I'm tired. Carry me back."

Squalo growled in frustration, thankfully abandoning the previous issue that was completely true no matter how much he denied it. "Voi! I'm not your fucking slave!"

_Neither is my car. Well, if I had one. _

"I hate you." Squalo said, rather immaturely. Reluctantly, he bent down and lifted her onto his back. Piggy back! The mom theory was getting more validity by the moment. Not that she said that out loud. "What the fuck were you doing here at this time anyway?"

"I just said, I was asking Xanxus some things." Filai felt sleepy; the fatigue that she had managed to ignore up until now was catching up. And Squalo's back was comfortable. That didn't help. "You didn't seem like you wanted to tell me anything."

"And what made you think the boss would?" Squalo grumbled.

She poked him again, rather mercilessly. Divine punishment for asking stupid questions! "Obviously because he was someone who wasn't afraid of giving me psychological trauma." _Unlike you who just couldn't spit anything out. I'd usually thank you for the gesture, but this time it was a bit inconvenient. _

Squalo might've stumbled over his feet at that. She could feel his shoulders cringing in some humiliated misery at the blunt statement as if it were a stab in the stomach. Should she be enjoying this as much as she was? "Go die in a hole."

Filai ignored that. "It's fine, isn't it?" She pointed out as-a-matter-of-factly. _Since you're being cute right now. _

As always, her definition of cute was completely off mark. No wonder the chicken didn't work on her. "And anyway, I thought you only liked stuff with shit like blood on them!" Squalo protested. "I'm not covered with blood right now, damn it!"

As if she really wanted to argue about that. As expected of the idiot shark, he just couldn't leave things alone when they should be. _That's right. You're not covered with blood right now. Then again, you're also a self-centered, arrogant, idiotic lunatic with homicidal tendencies and vague gender distinctions. BUT nevertheless I said you're cute because you're cute and as far as I can see, that's all there is to it. _

To be brutally honest, how the _fuck _was he supposed to argue with that logic? No wait, that wasn't something he could call logic. But theoretically wouldn't that mean that in Filai's eyes, he was cuter than a chicken? He didn't want that kind of notion in his head! In fact, why was he even thinking about this?

Blissfully unaware of Squalo's raging mental debate, Filai's mild trailed back to her conversation with Xanxus. _Now that I think about it, I forgot to ask him something thing. _"Hey." She tapped Squalo on the shoulder. "So exactly how long was I in the Vendicare for?"

"VOI! DID YOU SERIOUSLY LEAVE THE HARDEST QUESTION FOR ME?"

Filai winced. He was too near her. Her eardrums. _Just answer the question already._

Reluctantly reducing his voice to disjointed profanity and whatnot, Squalo resorted to glaring at the floor in front of him. After an uncomfortable moment of silence, he muttered something under his breath. "...en years."

_As if I can hear what you said. _

"Ten years."

Pause. "Eh?"

Squalo sputtered angrily "Voi! Why do you have to make me say it again?" No answer, and he twitched. "Fine. FINE. I'll fucking say it one more time! You've been gone for _ten_ fucking years, and let me tell you now! Any amount of complaining or bullshit isn't going to change it! So don't start—"

_Slide._

_THUD._

Filai promptly fell off his back. Squalo winced as she made a nice and cracked collision with the ground. _M-my biology degree. _That might've left a bruise or two._ Th-this...isn't...funny. Arg, bad feeling bad feeling bad feeling bad feeling bad feeling bad feeling bad feeling bad feeling bad feeling bad feeling. _

Squalo gingerly prodded her shoulder with his foot. There was no movement. Apparently she had fainted. Sighing, he ran a tired hand through his hair, looking around the empty hallway as if expecting someone to come and deal with the mess.

He looked back down, and raised an eyebrow.

She took it better than he expected.

* * *

**Ending Note: **And because I did this in a hurry, it was more of a filler-ish chapter than anything. Things will probably start moving on in the next one, if I get it all organized. I need to go resort the timeline before I write it. Thank you for reading.


	18. Chapter 17

**A/N: **So as many of you duly noted, I fail at updating. Let's just say I don't feel nearly as guilty as I should because the college applications and the last semester of high school grades and everything took too much time for me to update properly. However! I am officially back in summer vacation, although my inspiration and skill is at an all time low thanks to my hiatus. Sadness, I know. Therefore, prepare for a really, really bad chapter as usual! I think my sense of humor has fallen spectacularly, but the plot does start moving. Sort of. Vaguely. Uh. Yeah. Still, I hope you enjoy. This chapter, you meet Filai's eccentric older brother. I don't like putting too many original characters though. Sighs.

* * *

Chapter 17

"I didn't expect this." Filai said, staring at the very, uh, interesting scene in front of her.

Squalo walked up from behind her, irately flickering blood off the edge of his sword. Behind him laid a trail of dead bodies dressed in strange white uniforms. Something about Millifiore, Fran had informed her. Apparently they were killing off just about the entire Mafia world, Vongola included, their latest victim of annihilation being Filai's very own _very beloved shit excuse _for a family.

Naturally, Filai wanted to take a personal look at the condition of the Viavideche (nothing shows stupidity like marching through half of Italy while the Vongola was having its ass handed to it), and through amazing blackmail and threats of rearranging his organs when he was asleep, Squalo was miserably dragged along.

And that summarily led up to Filai standing in front of what appeared to be the Viavideche HQ under siege by the ever so assholish Millifiore.

While Squalo was busy in the background killing random mooks.

The whole place was, to put it simply, burning to the ground. Clearly the place held no strategic value to the Millifiore, because they seemed perfectly fine with causing as much destruction as physically possible when armed with flame powered animals that popped up from boxes (it took Fran a long time to make her understand why the infamous Italian Mafia was relying on boxes and rings and rainbow glowing animals to kill each other).

"I was wondering something." Filai was thoughtful, and Squalo paused in the middle of stabbing another Millifiore minion to death. "If practically the entire Mafia is using dying will flames as weapons, then shouldn't I have been, y'know, sort of killed from the sheer concentration of dispersed flames in the air? I am weak to flames, after all."

Squalo kicked yet more mooks out of the way before glancing at her. "It's probably Fran's illusions." He shrugged. "Something about a weird protective barrier around you. Shit like that. Apparently his 'master' gave him the idea."

"I see?" Pause "Fran's master?"

But Squalo was already continuing towards the mansion.

Filai stumbled after him, careful not to trip over one of the many corpses littering the ground. _Wait a moment, Squalo. We're not going to just walk into that mess, are we? _"You know, there's a battle going on there if you didn't notice."

"Voi! You fucking dragged me here in the first place." Squalo snapped, turning with something very murderous in his expression.

_Well sorry, princess. Not everyone call magically predict when a battle is going on from a hundred miles away. _"We're still all going to die. And it'll be your fault."

"Holy shit, how fucked in the head can you get?" He pointed his sword at her for useless emphasis. "If I'm going to let you die, then why the fuck would I go through much shit to get you out of that pisshole Vendicare prison?

"I'm sorry, but charging into this kind of scene armed with a sword-"

"And a shark." Squalo held up his box and ring.

"Fine. And a shark." She improvised exasperately. _Very reassuring. _

Rolling his eyes, Squalo seized her arm and dragged her along. "You complain too much."

_Just because you can't tell the difference between complaining and voice of self-preserving reason! _

It became worse once they neared the main mansion, which was once quite nice in the past, and now was reduced to some half wrecked fortress. Something right out of a World War II drama, to be honest, complete with the dead bodies and explosions and bullets and smoke. Only, in addition to all that lovely shit, there were flying glowing animals circling the place.

Kind of put a damper on the warzone-like area, to be honest. It was like the Power rangers' pets came and took over the fighting.

The Mafia's evil reputation really wasn't going to benefit from that.

"You know, maybe we should come back some other time." Filai was protesting over the sound of bombs going off and people getting their guts strewn on the ground. _When every step we take ISN'T some deathtrap that'll send us a one way ticket to hel- _

Squalo pulled her out of the way just as another grenade came whizzing by. It exploded a bit too closely to be comfortable.

"Voi!" He turned to her, face-to-face. "We make a deal. You stop you bitching for five minutes and I'll get you into the damn mansion alive and in once piece."

"Uh." Was all the answer Filai got to make before she was shoved along.

* * *

Theoretically, it wasn't supposed to be possible to actually get into the mansion. After all, Squalo was from the Vongola, which she assumed both the Millifiore AND the Viavideche weren't entirely fond of. Even if he did manage to pull them through the outside chaos, there was the fact that the people inside the damn place weren't quite willing to let them in.

Except of course that Squalo was Squalo, and thus there was little difficulty for him in carving (quite literally) a path to a giant hole blown in the side of the place, leaving in his wake many bodies from both sides.

Filai sighed. _No matter what happens, this shithole always gives me misery. _

"Voi, who was winning outside?" Squalo asked as they stepped into an empty hall.

"What, you didn't notice?"

"I was fucking making sure you didn't get your head sliced off!"

_Touchy. Touchy. _But admittedly, he did have a point. "It seemed like a stalemate." She said, glancing around their surroundings. It was empty, no doubt non-combantants evacuated and everyone else out there killing people in really ugly white uniforms (seriously; who designed those shit excuse for clothes anyway? Probably some marshmellow addicted meglomaniac). "Not quite sure though, since there were things blowing up very close to me."

Squalo scowled, his right hand still clutching her wrist tightly.

"So what're we going to do next?"

"What're we-" He spun to her angrily. "You're the one who wanted to come here! Why the fuck are you asking _me _that?"

_I only wanted to take a glance to see if they really were all dead! You're the one who dragged us all the way into this! _

"I thought you wanted to find your dad!"

"Why would I want to see him?" _Sorry, but I'm sure even you can tell I'm not going to win any awards for filial piety._

An edgy silence spread between them, as the fact that, well, after all the trouble they went through, there wasn't any reason for them to be here whatsoever. All Squalo's fault, naturally, so Filai kicked him, and he didn't even notice.

She hurt her foot though. Asshole.

"We should make sure he's alive though." Squalo finally said.

Filai was increduous. "Why?"

He shot her a deadpan look. "You're a shitty daughter."

"And you just noticed?"

They headed towards where Filai assumed her dad's office still was. Not that it made any sense why he would be there while the rest of the place was being blown to kingdom come, but it was worth half a try, at the very least. They didn't know where else he'd be anyway.

Squalo, being his ever so enthusiastic self, was perfectly capable of running past all the debris scattered across the ground. Meanwhile, Filai was reduced to cautiously stepping over the chunks of wall and occasional body as to make sure she doesn't fall onto something sharp and pointy. It'd be utterly pathetic if she managed to survive the Varia and the Vendicare for most of her life and then suddenly die via tripping onto a misplaced shard of glass.

Grimacing at the thought, Filai was about to yell at Squalo for going to fast, when he stopped.

She took the oppurtunity to catch up to him. He ignored her, seemingly focused on something else.

"Something wrong?"

He grabbed her arm with his right hand, roughly shoving her behind him. His left arm lifted, the tip of his sword pointed menacingly at, uh, something. Thin air, or maybe the random pillar that a strange man with stranger eyebrows was standing next to-

Oh.

"You saw through my illusion." He said simply, unimpressed as he glanced at Squalo's drawn blade.

"Oh, it's you." Squalo's scowl melted into an amused grin. "So you weren't dead after all. Thought something was wrong that time. You fought like a fucking pansy."

Filai looked at the mysterious intruder. He was dressed in a purple and black version of of the Millifiore uniform, his belt holding a grand total of four swords. Also, she had a feeling his eyebrows would have him kicked out of Namimori Junior High by a certain ax-crazy prefect. But that was almost irelevant. "You know him?"

"I kicked his ass a while ago." Was the simple reply.

"Or so you believed." He said calmly, eying the both of them with subtle distaste.

"Fuck you, Genkishi. I know you were faking the whole damn thing." Squalo snapped, obviously bitter about the whole incident. "Used it as an excuse to run off that piece of shit Byakuran, didn't you?"

Genkishi's expression darkened. "I wouldn't insult Byakuran sama in front of me again, if you do not wish for your death to be painful."

"I'll fucking say it when I want to. Byakuran. Is. A. Fucking. Piece. Of. SHIT. What're you going to do about it, fucking asshole?" Yes, Squalo. Way to emphasize your lack of maturity. The two men glared at each other.

_You guys don't look like very good friends. _Filai coughed, noticing the tension crackling in the air.

His interest in a pissed off Squalo already slipping away, Genkishi glanced at Filai with faint curiosity. "Those eyes of yours." He said slowly, a thoughtful expression creasing on his face. "You're Filia Viavideche, aren't you?" Before she could answer, he continued coldly. "If you came here in hopes of rescuing your father, I'm afraid it's too late."

_Uh, what? _Did she say that? Really? No, even worse, did he honestly think that she came all this way to check on that, that _thing_? Really?

"He's already dead. I killed him."

And hell if that wasn't the best news she's received all day. Filai brightened immediately. "Really? I'll be sending you flowers and marriage proposal then."

Pause. "What?" Genkishi was almost confused.

"Oh fuck off." Squalo groaned, facepalming.

"Did you hear that, Squalo? That strange person was kind enough to go murder my dad in cold blood. We've got to pay him for that."

"He's a fucking Millifiore!"

"So, does that mean the Millifiore are good guys?"

"You _really _are a shitty daughter."

_Well if YOUR dad got you locked up in a water prison for ten years, you'd be bitter too. You didn't have a problem with Xanxus going batshit on his dad, do you? In fact, you encouraged it and nearly got him stuck in ice. Again! _

Genkishi cleared his throat before Squalo could respond. "Are you done yet?" His voice was laced with thin annoyance.

"No! Shut the fuck up!" Squalo snarled.

"I don't recall taking orders from you, Superbia Squalo."

"And I don't give half a shit what you do, as long as you stay out of this!" The raging swordsman spun back towards Filai to continue their very mature and elegant conversation-

Until some purple blur of one thing or another came and sliced off exactly four strands of Squalo's hair.

And Squalo froze. Filai felt something inside her wilting. _Oh god. _

Behind them, Genkishi had unsheathed one of his swords, his entire body emitting some sickly purple aura (so this _wasn't _Power Rangers in the Mafia? Or teletubbies?). "I have no interest in wasting my time listening to your pathetic arguement-"

"My hair." Squalo said suddenly, his tone so deathly quiet that Filai could barely make out the words even from her close distance. She suddenly wished she wasn't so close. It might, you know, help her escape with a few limbs attached. She'd like that. She really would. "You cut my hair."

Filai inwardly cringed. _He shouldn't have done that. He really shouldn't have done that. He really, really, REALLY shouldn't have done that. _

Genkishi's expression didn't change, though he shifted ever so slightly in way that indicated he was a bit uncomfortable. "Are you trying to intimidate me?"

_Trying? I think he's doing a better job than just "trying". _Filai saw Genkishi backing barely a notable step away. It was strange, the fully armed Genkishi against Squalo who hadn't even pulled out his box weapon, and was just slowly stepping forward with only a sword to protect him. She couldn't see Squalo's expression, but judging from his opponent's reaction, it probably wasn't too pretty.

Cutting Squalo's hair, of _all things. _It didn't even make him bleed! Filai might've been just as disappointed as she was horrified. _My blood. _

"I'm going to kill you." He stated simply, stopping only a few feet away from Genkishi. His voice wasn't loud or angry, just something disturbingly calm, vaguely similar to how peaceful a bomb (really, it's just a lump of metal with the ability to put craters into the ground) could be before it actually exploded.

Genkishi drew another of his swords, eyes narrowing. "Feel free to try. I've been wanting a rematch for quite a while."

_Er, I don' think you want to provoke Squalo when he's in that state. Really. Even Xanxus wouldn't... _

Predictably, Filai was utterly ignored.

For a moment, Squalo stared at the battle poised Genkishi. Then he lowered his sword.

And Genkishi took the chance to swing his blade.

Squalo simply grabbed the edge with his left hand. The edge cut through his glove, but of course didn't draw any blood from his prosthetic hand. Before Genkishi could counter with his second sword, Squalo very cheerfully kneed him in the gut.

Genkishi coughed, eyes widening as he stumbled. He shot Squalo an infuriating glare. "Y-you."

Not exactly interested in whatever he had to say, Squalo immediately grabbed him by the collar and delivered a most friendly punch to the face, followed by a courteous elbow to the spine.

In any case, Genkishi slumped to the ground, very battered. He was probably in shock, judging from his limp position; or maybe the kick was taking its toll on him. Not that Filai could blame the man. Squalo's kicks were pretty damn strong. Especially when in berserk you-cut-my-hair mode. Really, he could replace the words with 'you-killed-my-father' and the effects on his sanity would've been the same.

She hung her head exasperately. _I told you not to piss Squalo off when he's like that. _It was ironic that even Xanxus couldn't stand up to Squalo's hair-wrath, considering he was the reason why he had the berserk mode in the first place, but, but, but...!

"So, Squalo." Filai grabbed him by the shoulder before he could proceed to chopping Genkishi into bits. "Shouldn't we leave now? I mean, we have nothing else to do here, right? You had fun beating the crap out of this guy, and my dad's dead." _Ahaha, can we leave now? _

"Kill him first." Squalo muttered absentmindedly, batting her hand away.

So he was completely dedicated to gutting Genkishi. Of course, Filai usually didn't mind that kind of thing, since Squalo _was _an assassin. But then, the person he was trying to kill, well, killed her father. That deserved _some _merit, or in this case, not getting disembowled by a rabid shark.

It can't be helped. She was going to have to take drastic action.

Filai lightly tapped Squalo on the shoulder. "So, Squalo. Did you hear about what happened to Fran the other day?"

* * *

_One minute later _

"You know, next time you might not want to go cut Squalo's hair." Filai was very deadpan as she sat next to Genkishi, who was lying motionlessly on the ground.

Genkishi moved his head to stare at her with confusion. "You saved me." He said. "Why?"

"You killed my father."

"What kind of reason is that?"

_Oh come on! I'm all for parental love when the fucking parents in question deserve it, but my dad was a total asshole! He locked me up in a fucking pickle jar for ten years, and I don't even know how he managed to do that, but you really think I'm going to go all "I love you Dad!" after the shit he put me through? _Of course, Genkishi wasn't nearly well acquainted enough to know what her raging telepathy was talking about. So, she decided to spare him the rant. "We didn't get along well."

Squalo was standing near them, in complete shock. He had obviously forgot about all intentions of murdering Genkishi, and was now muttering mindlessly to himself as if to reassure him that the things Filai just told him weren't true.

It wasn't, of course, but the intended effects had its intended outcome, and that was all she needed for now.

Though, she was going to have a hard time telling him that no, Fran was not a girl, and no, he was not pregnant, and no, Xanxus isn't the father.

Maybe she should've thought of a better lie. Less self-sacrificing. It really helped that Squalo was such an idiot. Who the hell would believe something like that anyway?

"So the leader of the Varia impregnated his subordinate." muttered Genkishi. "Pleasant."

Silence. Filai twitched. _You...I hate you._

"In any case, the Viavideche is over with." He said, painfully pushing himself up with his arms. "Their boss is dead, whether you like him or not. The family will fall into disarray. It'll only be a matter of time before the Millifiore takes over the remaining territory."

He had a fair point. The Viavideche's weakness was that it was a bit of a totalitarian organization, with everything centered around the boss. Without her dad, the whole structure will collapse, unless they can find a quick replacement. Speaking of which, the family would never follow her, not that she was interested, but she wasn't the only child of the previous boss.

"So did you manage to kill my brother too-" Filai looked up. Genkishi had already disappeared. She scowled. _Good bye to you too, rude bastard. _Standing up, she turned to Squalo, who was still wearing his disturbed expression. She sighed, and walked over to him. "Hey, Squalo."

He didn't respond.

"Let's go find my brother. If he's alive, he should be around here somewhere."

Squalo didn't offer any resistance as Filai pushed him towards the stairs. "Fran and Xanxus." He muttered deliriously under his breath. His face was as white as a sheet, all the color drained away. Filai felt almost guilty, and very annoyed. "Can you imagine what their kid would be? That's so goddamn creepy."

_You're the one who forced me to give you the mental image. Quit complaining. _

"I'm going to have nightmares."

"You know, some people have more appropriate ideas for bad dreams. Like bugs, or ghosts, or giant two headed lizards trying to eat your leg off, or Mukuro Rokudo, if you're feeling particularly daring. You however, waste your nightmares on visions of your boss and your colleague's improbable lovechild."

_"Voi! It's fucking your fault! _I'd be fine _not _knowing what the fuck is going on between those two! I was mentally undisturbed! My life was complete!"

_Sucks for you. _Filai was completely disinterested in his sufferings, so Squalo lapsed into a bitter silence, thoughts of bloody murder filling his mind. Not that that was something new though.

After finally locating a staircase that wasn't blown up by some random bomb, they slowly climbed upwards. Squalo being his ever so chivalrous self, always stayed a step ahead, just so he could always get to where the slaughter was first (Squalo: It's not fucking because I'm worried about you or anything! Obnoxious brat).

At the end of the stairway, he stopped dead.

Confused with the hold-up, Filai walked past him, and also stopped dead.

The hallway in front of them was not littered with dead bodies.

No, they were littered with _bodies, _just not dead ones. There wasn't any blood, for one thing. The Millifiore soldiers strewn across the floor were knocked out, alive and breathing nevertheless. None seemed to be in any condition to move, let alone fight.

And there were a lot of them.

"It seems," Filai finally said, breaking the silence between them. "The new boss of the Viavideche had been here recently."

Squalo's head quickly snapped to her. "Wait, you're telling me one person did this?" He demanded, before turning back to the scene. "And what do you mean the new boss? You're not talking about your old man, are you?"

_Of course not, you imbecile. That guy's dead, isn't he? _"I was referring to my brother. I suppose you should call him Alexander, but I believe he's used to be calling 'Sasha'." _I wouldn't know. I haven't met him all that much. _"However, I do know that he is a bit of a hopeless pacifist."

He pointed at the bodies. "Voi! You call _this _the work of a fucking pacifist?"

"Well, I don't think he likes fighting, but he's very strong. He was probably pushed into a corner in this situation, but no matter what, he obviously didn't want to kill anyone." _Hence the not-quite-dead bodies in here. _Filai observed with a careless shrug. "He's a nice guy, from what I remember. You'd hate him."

"Already do." Squalo furiously kicked a random not-dead Millifiore mook. "What the fuck is the point in leaving these pissholes alive?" And wasn't 'Sasha' a _girl's _name? What kind of guy would want to be caled 'Sasha'?

To be honest, Filai did think her mysterious brother was a bit of an oddity, considering just how utterly bloodythirsty the rest of the family was. "He should still be somewhere nearby. Let's go."

Delivering one final vicious kick to the poor not-dead body, Squalo stalked after her.

Of course, she was right. Sasha wasn't far at all. They walked for about two more minutes before a screaming Millifiore soldier was hurled past them, landing with a crash in a pile of wrecked furniture. Sounds of fighting came from behind the corner of the hall.

"That would be him." Filai said, reaffirming the obvious as was her talent.

An explosion quickly followed, a gust of smoke blowing out from behind the corner. Filai pressed her mouth against her sleeve, coughing. Seemed like a very lively fight.

"O-ow." An unfamiliar male voice groaned from inside the mess. Stumbling footsteps crackled on the floor, crushing glass and cement as if he was about to fall over his own feet. "I think I overdid it with the grenade. Ow, ow. M-my leg."

Squalo quickly looked at Filai, in disbelief. "That's him?" He hissed.

Filai raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, that's him."

With an audible crash, a disheveled young man stumbled out of the smoke, coughing painfully as he leaned against the wall for support. He gave a start when he saw Filai and Squalo. He tilted his head downwards, toward their uniforms. "Erm, you're from...the Varia?" With some difficulty, he straightened himself up, brushing his disheveled black hair of his eyes. They were the same color as Filai's, an unnerving neon pink, though not as bright.

Squalo was again, in disbelief. At loss for words, he pointed at the man again, looking back at Filai for confirmation as if he hadn't had enough already.

Naturally, Filai was getting annoyed. "Yes, no matter how many times I ask you, that guy _is _him."

Sasha sheepishly tugged at strands of his tangled hair. "So, is there anything you need? Sorry you came at a bit of a messy time." Clearly uncomfortable with Squalo's shocked expression, he turned to Filai. And was about to say something, when the words subsequently died away in his mouth.

"Hi, Sasha."

"You're...er...Filia...?"

"Yeah..."

"I didn't know you were alive."

"I get that a lot."

"I see. Aha, I guess you would. Most people assumed you died."

"I get that a lot too."

"I'm not quite sure how to greet you after all these years." Sasha admitted, troubled. He seemed a bit close to panicking as he fumbled through his mind for some way to deal with the situation that seemed to have come right out of a Korean drama. Seriously, long-lost siblings. How much more cliche could the damn situation get? And, yes, he was panicking now. Definitely panicking. "What do I do, what do I do, what do I do. I should've watched some Korean dramas if I knew this was going to happen." He then brightened up. "I know. Hug?"

"No."

"But-"

"NO HUG."

Squalo was immensely satisfied as Sasha hung his head.

* * *

~Omake of randomness~

Squalo noticed very easily that 8 year old Filai did not take long to brush her teeth.

When confronted with this, Filai had no idea what the hell he was talking about. As far as her bratty little mind was concerned, "teeth brushing" meant smearing toothpaste inside her mouth and spitting it out, all within the timespan of ten seconds. And the runt complained about getting fucking cavaties!

And that was why he was here, trying to keep a squirming Filai from running away as he, yes, attempted to brush her teeth for her.

"It's bleeding! It's bleedin-" Her voice was muffled as Squalo generously scrubbed the edge of her gum raw.

"Voi! It's your own fucking fault for not brushing it the right way. So stop complaining, damn it!"

"I'm going to die!"

"And you'll fucking deserve it. So shut up!"

By the time he finished, Filai was sulking in the corner of the bathroom, painfully covering her mouth as if afraid Squalo was going to go all toothbrush berserk on her again. Squalo glared at her and threw her toothbrush back in her cup before turning towards the door.

"I hate you." Pause. "...thanks. I think."

Squalo simply glared at her before storming out of the bathroom. He felt a little pleased with himself.

* * *

**Ending Note:** Sasha is a girly name, although it's common as an abbreviation for Alexander. He's a nice, well-adjusted guy. As well adjusted as someone from Filai's bloodthirsty family can get, at least. Squalo doesn't seem to like him very much though. Well, it was his fault for dragging them into the mansion in the first place.

Hope you could enjoy this really terrible chapter. I need to get my writing skills back into shape.


	19. Chapter 18

**A/N:** I'm late, I'm late, and I'm late. But I suddenly felt some inspiration from the latest Hitman Reborn chapter (when doesn't make sense considering the content) and I figured: after how many years of this fanfiction and there's still no romance. I'm like screw it. Here. Actual relationship progress, even if you can barely see it. And Sasha sort of takes over part of the chapter. My humor abilities have been killed off, and I think the rest of the story will be more serious just because of that. It's more character-centered than plot centered, but you find out why Filai was jailed.

* * *

Chapter 18

To Squalo's dismay, Filai insisted on bringing Sasha back with them. "He's tough, isn't he?" She reasoned, tugging on her brother's arm as if he was a pet on a leash. "I don't know just _how _bad this whole Millfiore thing is, but just in case, it's good to have him around." _Think of him as something useful we dug up from the ruins, like an expensive HD television that kills things. _

"I object to that comparison." Sasha protested. "I'm a pacifist after all. I'd much rather be a T.V. that just knocks people out gently."

"Voi," Squalo hissed. "She just compared you to a T.V. and you whine about _that?_"

"Well, to be fair, she did say it was expensive. And HD." He said reasonably. "Just think of the joy an HD TV screen can give people-" He was cut short and Squalo kicked him in the back, falling face flat onto the ground. "Please don't break my spine." He continued, albeit with his voice muffled by the snow.

"I'll do more than break your spine if you don't stop acting like a fucking dipshit!"

Filai shot them a wry look as she stepped through the rubble that was the mansion exit. "If you wonderful gentlemen" _pea-brained, shit specimen of humanity _"are done, I'd like to get out of this area as soon as possible, thanks."

"Filia, that language of yours is troubling me."

_And what are you going to do about it, wash my tongue with soap? _

"No, perhaps," He smiled disarmingly "Rip it out instead?"

Filai merely rolled her eyes. Squalo stared at him. "Voi, I thought you said you were a fucking pacifist."

"Well, to be more specific," He amended. "I'm against killing people. I believe that as long as a person is alive, he or she can find happiness. Even if said person is missing something vital, like a limb, or a tongue. Well, a tongue really isn't vital. But you know what I mean."

Squalo turned on Filai. "Just _one _non-fucking lunatic from your family." He hissed. "That's ALL I'm asking for."

"What are you looking at me for?" _You hypocrite. As if you Varia assholes are any better. You just threatened to break his spine. _"And didn't he creep you out when he was being nice?" _Unsatisfiable bastard, aren't you? _

Tension was running high on the way back to the Varia HQ. Or, Squalo and Filai were running it high and Sasha was being happy and occasionally avoiding Squalo's sporadic attempts on his life. It only took a few hours of acquaintanceship for Squalo to make something a hobby out of trying to kill Sasha. Filai, who believed that S+M was the finest basis a relationship could have, decided that they were getting along remarkably. Or maybe not, since Squalo just nearly threw her brother off a cliff, but in any case it would make a good video to post on youtube.

"You're _enjoying _this." Squalo said in disbelief.

_Perhaps. _Filai was content. "After all, watching you suffer is my greatest joy." She gave him a deadpan thumbs up. "It's a sign of my love, you see."

At that, Squalo looked like he couldn't decide whether to be pissed or oddly pleased. How was he supposed to respond to that anyway, 'thanks, I like watching you suffer too?' Oh wait, he did. So he settled for grumbling a little and whacking her in the back of the head.

* * *

Xanxus was in a bad mood.

And then that became worse when Alexander Primavera Viavideche stood in front of him, practically beaming as he said "You look tired. Do you need a hug?" A pause. "Oh, that wasn't an offer though. Sorry, you look too scary for me to hug. I can probably hire a kamikaze bomber or something if you really need it."

That was when Xanxus uprooted his desk and threw it at Sasha (and Squalo had even nailed the damn thing to the floor so he _wouldn't _do that). Sasha blinked before the desk came crashing onto him.

"Ouch." He said under the desk.

"WHAT IS THIS FUCKING TRASH DOING HERE?" Xanxus bellowed to Filai, who was standing at the side of the room.

She winced. "Well, uh," _I heard you liked HD televisions. _"And I also heard the Vongola had Millifiore problems. So Sasha's sort of from the mortal enemy of the Vongola. But so am I, and I think I turned out alright-"

"Though you do swear too much." Sasha added, still under the desk.

"Shut up, Sasha." _And will you get that fucking desk off? You look like an idiot talking like that. _

"Oh, forgot about that." With much strength, Sasha kicked the desk right off. Too much strength, maybe, because the desk went hurling into the air.

Right at Xanxus.

Filai facepalmed. _This isn't going to be nice. _

* * *

Xanxus destroyed his entire office. It was his seventh one this month.

But after much groveling, and her promising to take over Xanxus' paperwork duties for two months (which didn't make sense because she already WAS doing his paperwork; he must've been too drunk to remember), Filai convinced her terrorizing boss to let her brother stay for a bit. After all, the Varia mansion was large, not like they didn't have the room.

Squalo looked up as Filai dropped down on the couch next to him."I'm tired."

He rolled his eyes. "There's coffee in the kitchen."

She spun on him. _Squalo, you should marry me. Now.  
_

Squalo nearly choked, and angrily shoved her off the couch.

When Filai returned with her coffee, she found Squalo in deep thought. Strange, she never knew he was even capable of looking like he was thinking at all, let alone actually contemplating something. "Is there something wrong?"

"He doesn't look like he's related to you." He said.

_And it took you that long to figure that out? Honestly, sometimes I don't know if you're blind or just stupid. _She ignored Squalo shooting her a glare as she continued. "Anyway, we're only half-siblings. Different mother. I'm pretty sure he looks like his mom, while I" _unfortunately _"take after our..." _shit excuse for a _"paternal parent. It's a sad world, isn't it?"

"What the fuck," Squalo sneered. "Your old man gets around."

Just when Filai was about to answer, Bel burst into the room, grinning gleefully. "Shishishi, your brother's entertaining." He told Filai. "The prince approves of him."

"Wonderful, and should we be expecting a happy announcement any time soon?" I_ recommend Tiffany's diamond. _She narrowly avoided being sliced into pieces.

As Filai and Bel engaged in another of their grisly verbal matches, Squalo's mind went back to Sasha vs. Filai. As humiliating as the thought was, he had to admit, in the looks department Sasha won out so badly it was almost unfair. He was virtually the textbook example of tall, dark, and handsome, and that weird nice personality of his didn't exactly hurt his chances with women either.

Filai, on the other hand was more the kind who could go either way, depending on her level of hygiene. She could be quite something if she combed herself up a little, which she rarely did. And she _did _age nicely, which was impressive considering her living style for the past ten years; her face had a bit higher cheekbones than ten years before, and her legs had become longer, only a _little_, barely noticeable dammit, and oh god Squalo was starting to feel like a creep. Why was he thinking about this shit he had to stop thinking about this shit-

"Are you alright?" Filai asked with raised eyebrows as Squalo banged his head on the coffee table.

He needed a drink.

* * *

After convincing Squalo to not get shitfaced over whatever reason was screwing him over, Filai had the most brilliant idea. So somehow she got thrown into the Vendicare for ten years, and she didn't know _why_, and of course she wanted to know _why_. And what better person to ask than Sasha. He was after all, FROM that annoying Viavideche family after all. The successor to the Boss position, even.

Filai spent the better part of the afternoon prowling the mansion for Sasha. She found him walking out of Xanxus' new office, a little worse for the wear but alive and unharmed nonetheless. "What were you doing in there?" She asked warily.

"Some business." He said, dusting off his jacket. "Information exchange, mostly. He can actually be quite an efficient boss if he puts his anger aside for a while."

"I don't believe you." Filai said bluntly.

"Well, I can't quite blame you for that." He heaved a weary sigh. looking around the large hall. "Can we go sit down somewhere? I'm feeling tired, since we're in dying will flame territory."

Now that he mentioned it, Sasha wasn't as used to dying will flame exposure as she was. He had spent his life in Viavideche territory, which meant even the smallest concentration of flames in the air could wear him out.

"Our illusionist Fran put some sort of protective barrier around me." Filai said as they walked towards the nearest drawer room. "I'll see if he can do the same for you."

They settled down in a small room, and Filai let her brother catch his breathe before saying "So I had something to ask you about."

"Is this about how you came to be in the Vendicare?" He asked tiredly.

_How did you know that? _

"I was going to tell you anyway." He hiked a thumb up. "We're siblings, after all. Even if you don't want a hug."

Filai twitched. "Are you STILL hung up on that?"

"Those Korean dramas made it look nice." Sasha said wistfully, before sobering. "Anyway, there were some complications involving your imprisonment. But after some private research, I figured out the basics. You know someone called Mukuro Rokudo, correct?" Filai nodded, and he asked. "And you hatched a plan with him to leak information of the Viavideche's illegal activities to the Vendicare."

She gave him an incredulous look. "How do you find this stuff out?"

"Years of investigation." He retorted. "The material Mukuro released to the Vendicare carried some scandalous material concerning their involvement in funding illegal experiments. Especially collaborations with the Estraneo. It broke inter-family Mafia treaties left and right. It was a mass outrage. The Viavideche family would've lost all its allies if-"

"-they had any to begin with." Filai said dryly. _Amiable family as ever, I see. _

"So the Vendicare was about to show up and arrest Father. And Father was always quick in action." He shrugged, though his tone was a little funny sounding. "He devised a way to keep himself out of prison." Pause. "He basically put all blame on you."

_And holy shit is that the MOST shameless thing I've ever heard. _"Is that even possible?" Filai demanded. "If nobody's noticed, I haven't exactly been alive long enough to coordinate this giant illegal experiment funding. Mukuro's only two years younger than me, you know."

"But not many people even know you exist." Sasha reminded her. "You were, forgive me for saying, considered unimportant in the family. Aside from the servants who took care of you, you were off the radar. But it's easy to prove you exist. Enough people know that to confirm it. But hardly anyone has personal data on you. Father could make up your age to suit his needs. It's common knowledge that Viavideche members age slowly, so your appearance didn't help things at all. And you were just there, unconscious, right inside the HQ manor and up for grabs. It was too easy for him to have the Vendicare arrest you instead."

So Mukuro's plan backfired her, in the most splendid fashion conceivable. That. Utter. _Bastard. _Even if it wasn't his fault entirely, she still wanted to punch him in the face.

Sasha gently put a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry I didn't help at that time. I was out of the country when I heard about it."

"You couldn't have done anything either way." _Useless cretin._ Filai said loftily. "If you're going to become all self-loathing on me, I will deem you too ridiculous to talk to and leave you to your misery."

Taking that as her way of comforting him (hmph, the delusional fool), Sasha smiled and to her protests, pulled her into a tight hug. "It's good to finally see you, Filia."

Filai scowled, but put up with it for the sake of the sentimental idiot. "You could've turned out worse."

He released her and stood up. "I think I'll be taking a nap now." He said, stretching a little like a cat in the sunlight. "We're on the same floor. I'm there if you need me for anything."

Just as he was about the leave the room, Filai called after him. "Wait a moment." He stopped, looking at her questioningly. "Are you alright?"

"What do you mean?"

"He died, you know." She said. "Your father."

Sasha was silent, and the smile slide from his face. "_Our_ father." He spoke slowly, as if the words weren't something she could understand. The smile returned, but only barely. "We're siblings, aren't we?"

"No, _your _father." Filai said. "Figuratively speaking of course. Because I have my own family, insane as they are, and to an extent...I still do have a...mother." _Wherever she is at the moment._ "But you have your dad." _Even if he was a total bitch to me_.

Chuckling a little, Sasha stared down at the floor, a distant look in his eyes. They shared the same eye color. It was the only thing they shared, but it was something distinctive, something that a stranger could look at and, even with their different appearances and expressions and habits, he could know without doubt that yes, these two were brother and sister.

"You know what I think life is about," He said finally. "It's cyclical. You find something that makes you happy, and then you lose it. You cry a little, mope a little. And then you get over it. You keep the memories, but you dry your tears and move on. It's a big world. There are a lot of things to see." Sasha trailed off, and then looked embarrassed. "Sorry, that was..."

"Positively saccharine." Filai agreed. "But not wrong. Are you going to go cry?"

Sasha gave her an almost amused look. "Maybe, maybe not. Either way, it's not very manly, is it?"

_Manliness isn't a 24/7 thing. Everyone needs breaks. Even men._ Filai pulled out her biology book for some reading. "Tear glands exist for a reason." Just_ don't do it in front of Lussuria. He'll put a new meaning to "taking you home with him". _

* * *

Right outside in the hallway, Sasha passed by Squalo, who was trying and failing to appear as though he was just passing by. "Eavesdropping isn't the ideal habit." He told the assassin, who simply scowled. "Good afternoon to you too, Squalo."

"Go rot in a fucking hole."

Taken aback, Sasha tried to answer reasonably "Uh, that's an extreme request..."

Squalo flipped him the bird.

* * *

In turn, Filai also found Squalo outside in the hallway a few hours later. Again, he seemed to be in deep thought. _It's obviously a productive day for Squalo's brain._ As usual, he glared when he saw her, and Filai shifted her book under her arm. "Is something wrong...again?"

"Voi, answer me honestly." Squalo said. "Have I ever hugged you before?"

Filai really wanted to make a sarcastic comment, but noticing Squalo's unusually brooding behavior, reluctantly sifted through her memories. "No, not really. Unless you count grabbing me and throwing me, and injuring me in the process. But that's not what you mean, is it?"

"NO."

_Oh. Then, no. _"Something the matter?"

A moment of silence.

"You piss me off." Squalo said.

"And what else is new-"

"But it's not always a bad thing. I guess."

And before Filai could ask what exactly he meant by that, Squalo leaned over and clumsily pressed a quick kiss against the crown of her head.

When he withdrew, he glared at her, as if daring her to make a snide comment. Instead, Filai blinked, and patted her head experimentally. "I didn't expect that." Was all she said.

Squalo glared some more, feeling very self-conscious all of a sudden And that was just shit because Superbia Squalo did _not _feel self-conscious like a goddamn teenage girl, especially in front of a piece of trash that he had known for almost twenty years. "Voi, what's your fucking problem?"

Filai thought about it. "No," She said finally. "It's not...a bad thing either, I suppose." And she offered him an awkward smile, and suddenly Squalo felt less self-conscious and more like he had probably been killed in the middle of a fight and had gone...well, if there was a heaven, he wasn't going be there. But if this were hell, he decided it wasn't all that bad. Even if those burning eternal fires were going to pop up anytime soon, at the very least-

OH GOD, WHAT WAS HE THINKING?

"_I _am going to sleep." He snapped, before adding for good measure. "Go die in a ditch. Asshole. Yeah, die, DIE I SAID." He yelled over his shoulder as he stormed off in a quick retreat.

Filai watched him disappear with an eyebrow raised. _What a tactless guy. _She rubbed her head again, frowning thoughtfully. _Well, it turned out alright in the end._ With that, she yawned and went to the kitchen for a cup of coffee.

* * *

**A/N:** Sasha's more of a nice guy with a really bad/violent sense of humor. Still better than the rest of his family though. Squalo is out of character, but I can't do much about Squalo and romance and in-character.


End file.
